Hi there! @Kartikey_Sharma helped me with the grammar in my game. We would be glad to know your opinion about that. I put the prologue and the chapter 1 in the link below. What do you think about it?
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Missing a âtheâ at the very start before the first use of the word âUniverseâ. Also⌠You should stop using sooooooo many descriptive words. It feels like youâre trying to pad word count.
Example; âIts immense walls were towering high, holding its heavy ceiling. The hall was very spacious. It was full of white pillars and giant lusters that hung above the floor, lightening the hall. Beautiful and giant pictures were on the walls, scarlet-golden carpets were everywhere.â
It just seems like EVERYTHING is âvery thisâ or âmuch thatâ. It really drags out when you describe EVERYTHING. Are these things important? Do we need to know this ceiling is heavy? That these walls held it up? Sorry for the rant, itâs just me channeling my English Composition professorâŚ
Noted. Thanks! Any more typo or grammar problem?
Guys as you know the game had not the best grammar at launchâŚits been 1.5 years but we are still trying to improve. So any typo or grammar you find will be really appreciated.
If you are happy with my editing and style then it will also motivate me to the edit the sequel.
Any and every help is appreciated!
Hereâs an honest opinion.
Your editing isnât perfect, but itâs definitely readable, and itâs an immense improvement over the previous versions.
Having read a few pages of the initial prologue some time ago, plus the first chapter of the second book, I can tell you that it was hard to find a phrase that didnât have at least one grammatical error in it. Your version has maybe one error per paragraph, maybe less, and the errors that are still there are only mildly upsetting, and shouldnât stop you from reading, if youâve already paid money on the game.
If the initial product would have taken a great effort to understand for most people, if you continue to edit the book in this manner, it will probably become on a similar level to the more average hosted games in terms of grammar (while before that it was on the very low end of the spectrum).
So, what Iâm saying with this is that you are making a huge difference, regardless of the few errors youâre still leaving, and you should definitely continue to edit this, if you have the will to do it.
If you are going to embark on this titanic journey, hereâs a few editing tips for you to keep in mind, based on the little Iâve seen of this story.
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I think you may have removed the word varicolored from the story. If you did, good job. If you didnât and I just missed it as I skimmed through the text, then remove it at all cost. Varicolored is a terrible word, and I almost thought it didnât exist until I looked it up in a dictionary. The fact that it is sometimes repeated 5 times on the same screen makes it even worse. Try replacing it with a more used expression, like for instance âstars of many different colorsâ, and only say that once, at the beginning. Thereâs no use in repeating it over and over
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Limit the use of the word âazureâ as much as possible. Try and replace it with the word âblueâ wherever it fits. For example, silver-azure light could easily be replaced with silver-blue light, since azure is just a bright blue, and silver-blue light already conveys the meaning of bright. Azure is a word that shouldnât be used repeatedly, because itâs very rare to hear it used in english, and it feels shoehorned in.
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I would pretty much remove all instances of the word âincessantlyâ from the story. I donât think Iâve seen a single good use of it in the first chapter of the second book, and Iâm pretty sure it can just be removed altogether and not make much of a difference. The word âincessantlyâ should only be used rarely, and mostly when someone is repeatedly doing something that bothers you. It shouldnât be used for describing how leaves are shining.
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Try to limit as much as possible the use of adjectives that donât really say anything. Good examples of this are strange, mysterious, indescribable, unknown, unthinkable, inexpressible. These words are used far too often, and they donât really tell you anything about the things they are describing.
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Another related problem is that there is a very repetitive use of extreme adjectives like immense, huge, enormous, incredible, eternal, which again, should be used only rarely, because otherwise, they lose their impact. If everything is huge, then nothing is huge. A good example of this was when in the first chapter of the second book, the word huge was used both to describe galaxies, and a statue that was six meters tall. Also, the word eternal was being used wrong at least two times in that chapter. First was when it talked about âthe last of the Eternalsâ. This implies that the other eternals somehow died, but then, if they died, how were they eternal? Being eternal doesnât just imply you are very old, or that you donât age. It also implies that you canât die, and that youâve existed since the beginning of time, and will continue to exist until the end of time. This is the true meaning of the word eternal. Now, since Eternals is used as a name here, this can somehow be circumvented by an in world explanation about how they were named like that for some reason, but theyâre not in fact eternal. Only, the word eternal gets used wrong again, not much further, when one of the Eternals says to the statues: âWake up from your eternal slumber.â -> Again, if the slumber is eternal, you canât wake up from it. If you want to say that it was very long, you could try something along the lines of âWake up from your age-old slumber.â -> Itâs not a perfect substitution, but at least it makes sense.
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This isnât really my kind of game, so I donât have the motivation to look through all of the grammatical errors that are still left, but I can give you an accurate list of your errors on the first few pages, so that you can get an idea of the general number of errors you have per page, and their nature. As I said, most of them are only mildly upsetting, so while they wonât sound that good, I doubt there will be people that donât understand the meaning behind your phrases.
Hereâs the errors:
Page 1:
there was billions of them -> there were billions of them
you were somewhere in Universe -> you were somewhere in the universe
you passed billions and billions stars -> you passed billions and billions of stars
you felt your body was covered -> you felt your body being covered
Page 2:
there was no sound from them -> there was no sound coming from them
as if protecting from an unknown threat -> as if protecting you from an unknown threat
Page 3:
But you are not alone here -> Itâs not the phrase thatâs wrong, itâs the time used. Everything else in this paragraph is in past tense, therefore this phrase should be too. So this phrase should be: âBut you were not alone here.â
Suddenly you notice two tall figures -> Same as above. Should be : Suddenly you noticed two tall figures
They were stood up -> They were standing up
They were really taller than you -> The word really shouldnât be used in this context. The only context where it could be used in a similar way would be if someone told you before that theyâd be taller than you before you met them, and now youâd come to the realization that âYes, they really were taller than meâ -> Otherwise, you should probably replace that with âThey were a lot taller than youâ
it seemed it was desecrated by their powers -> it seemed that it was being desecrated by their powers
Page 4:
Why weâve come here -> Why have we come here?
the air itself began shudder -> the air itself began to shudder
Heâs ancient and it hides many secrets -> Itâs ancient and it hides many secrets (assuming that you are also talking about the world when you say ancient)
weâre still hidden? -> Are we still hidden? -> This seems to be a recurring issue, you should always remember to properly inverse the verb and the subject of the phrase when you formulate a question.
is there somebody that knows about us -> Not sure if this is grammatically incorrect, but it would sound much better if you said âis there somebody who knows about us?â
All forgot about our powers/ all forgot about us -> It doesnât sound very good when you use âallâ as a standalone word like that in this situation. You could try replacing it with âall of the worldâ or âEveryoneâ or maybe âThey allâ
we must gather troops from worlds -> This isnât so much incorrect as it feels incomplete. Iâd rather say something like : âWe must gather troops from all of the worldsâ or even âfrom all of the different worldsâ
Thatâs it for the first 5 pages (On the fifth page thereâs no errors since thereâs basically just three small phrases)
Hope these tips will help you improve your editing skills. Good luck!
7 Likes
I havenât had a chance to do an indepth read or make notes, but Iâd have to agree with Nemeean_lion, it did seem quite a bit easier to read with fewer errors so good job 
Iâm kind of surprised about âvaricolouredâ not being in common use. Maybe its frequency of usage is a regional or subject related thing? I wouldnât blink twice if I saw it in a paragraph as I definitely see it in use from time to time. (Maybe donât repeat it multiple times in the same screen though if possible though as could easily be overused, especially if itâs not a well used/known word everywhere). Iâd be interested in whether more people think itâs not an easily understood or rarely used word, if itâs widely unused in most places, then probably just get rid of it for ease of reading.
Same with âazureâ really, (I kind of find repeated use of âblueâ a bit plain and azure is a particular colour), although again donât overuse it. Maybe grab a thesaurus or reword to help remove multiple instances of the same word in a paragraph as it can get a bit jarring when that happens a lot. 3, 4 and 5 are all good advice to take on board
2 Likes
Interesting so far canât wait for more keep up the good work