Sword of the Elements. Grammar


#1

Hi there! @Kartikey_Sharma helped me with the grammar in my game. We would be glad to know your opinion about that. I put the prologue and the chapter 1 in the link below. What do you think about it?

https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/s/l5i22fopul7b5gx/The%20Sword%20of%20the%20Elements.Chapter1.html?dl=0


#2

Missing a “the” at the very start before the first use of the word “Universe”. Also… You should stop using sooooooo many descriptive words. It feels like you’re trying to pad word count.
Example; "Its immense walls were towering high, holding its heavy ceiling. The hall was very spacious. It was full of white pillars and giant lusters that hung above the floor, lightening the hall. Beautiful and giant pictures were on the walls, scarlet-golden carpets were everywhere."
It just seems like EVERYTHING is “very this” or “much that”. It really drags out when you describe EVERYTHING. Are these things important? Do we need to know this ceiling is heavy? That these walls held it up? Sorry for the rant, it’s just me channeling my English Composition professor…


#3

Noted. Thanks! Any more typo or grammar problem?


#4

Guys as you know the game had not the best grammar at launch…its been 1.5 years but we are still trying to improve. So any typo or grammar you find will be really appreciated.

If you are happy with my editing and style then it will also motivate me to the edit the sequel.

Any and every help is appreciated!


#5

Here’s an honest opinion.

Your editing isn’t perfect, but it’s definitely readable, and it’s an immense improvement over the previous versions.

Having read a few pages of the initial prologue some time ago, plus the first chapter of the second book, I can tell you that it was hard to find a phrase that didn’t have at least one grammatical error in it. Your version has maybe one error per paragraph, maybe less, and the errors that are still there are only mildly upsetting, and shouldn’t stop you from reading, if you’ve already paid money on the game.

If the initial product would have taken a great effort to understand for most people, if you continue to edit the book in this manner, it will probably become on a similar level to the more average hosted games in terms of grammar (while before that it was on the very low end of the spectrum).

So, what I’m saying with this is that you are making a huge difference, regardless of the few errors you’re still leaving, and you should definitely continue to edit this, if you have the will to do it.

If you are going to embark on this titanic journey, here’s a few editing tips for you to keep in mind, based on the little I’ve seen of this story.

  1. I think you may have removed the word varicolored from the story. If you did, good job. If you didn’t and I just missed it as I skimmed through the text, then remove it at all cost. Varicolored is a terrible word, and I almost thought it didn’t exist until I looked it up in a dictionary. The fact that it is sometimes repeated 5 times on the same screen makes it even worse. Try replacing it with a more used expression, like for instance “stars of many different colors”, and only say that once, at the beginning. There’s no use in repeating it over and over

  2. Limit the use of the word ‘azure’ as much as possible. Try and replace it with the word ‘blue’ wherever it fits. For example, silver-azure light could easily be replaced with silver-blue light, since azure is just a bright blue, and silver-blue light already conveys the meaning of bright. Azure is a word that shouldn’t be used repeatedly, because it’s very rare to hear it used in english, and it feels shoehorned in.

  3. I would pretty much remove all instances of the word ‘incessantly’ from the story. I don’t think I’ve seen a single good use of it in the first chapter of the second book, and I’m pretty sure it can just be removed altogether and not make much of a difference. The word ‘incessantly’ should only be used rarely, and mostly when someone is repeatedly doing something that bothers you. It shouldn’t be used for describing how leaves are shining.

  4. Try to limit as much as possible the use of adjectives that don’t really say anything. Good examples of this are strange, mysterious, indescribable, unknown, unthinkable, inexpressible. These words are used far too often, and they don’t really tell you anything about the things they are describing.

  5. Another related problem is that there is a very repetitive use of extreme adjectives like immense, huge, enormous, incredible, eternal, which again, should be used only rarely, because otherwise, they lose their impact. If everything is huge, then nothing is huge. A good example of this was when in the first chapter of the second book, the word huge was used both to describe galaxies, and a statue that was six meters tall. Also, the word eternal was being used wrong at least two times in that chapter. First was when it talked about “the last of the Eternals”. This implies that the other eternals somehow died, but then, if they died, how were they eternal? Being eternal doesn’t just imply you are very old, or that you don’t age. It also implies that you can’t die, and that you’ve existed since the beginning of time, and will continue to exist until the end of time. This is the true meaning of the word eternal. Now, since Eternals is used as a name here, this can somehow be circumvented by an in world explanation about how they were named like that for some reason, but they’re not in fact eternal. Only, the word eternal gets used wrong again, not much further, when one of the Eternals says to the statues: “Wake up from your eternal slumber.” -> Again, if the slumber is eternal, you can’t wake up from it. If you want to say that it was very long, you could try something along the lines of “Wake up from your age-old slumber.” -> It’s not a perfect substitution, but at least it makes sense.

  6. This isn’t really my kind of game, so I don’t have the motivation to look through all of the grammatical errors that are still left, but I can give you an accurate list of your errors on the first few pages, so that you can get an idea of the general number of errors you have per page, and their nature. As I said, most of them are only mildly upsetting, so while they won’t sound that good, I doubt there will be people that don’t understand the meaning behind your phrases.

Here’s the errors:

Page 1:

there was billions of them -> there were billions of them

you were somewhere in Universe -> you were somewhere in the universe

you passed billions and billions stars -> you passed billions and billions of stars

you felt your body was covered -> you felt your body being covered

Page 2:

there was no sound from them -> there was no sound coming from them

as if protecting from an unknown threat -> as if protecting you from an unknown threat

Page 3:

But you are not alone here -> It’s not the phrase that’s wrong, it’s the time used. Everything else in this paragraph is in past tense, therefore this phrase should be too. So this phrase should be: “But you were not alone here.”

Suddenly you notice two tall figures -> Same as above. Should be : Suddenly you noticed two tall figures

They were stood up -> They were standing up

They were really taller than you -> The word really shouldn’t be used in this context. The only context where it could be used in a similar way would be if someone told you before that they’d be taller than you before you met them, and now you’d come to the realization that “Yes, they really were taller than me” -> Otherwise, you should probably replace that with “They were a lot taller than you”

it seemed it was desecrated by their powers -> it seemed that it was being desecrated by their powers

Page 4:

Why we’ve come here -> Why have we come here?

the air itself began shudder -> the air itself began to shudder

He’s ancient and it hides many secrets -> It’s ancient and it hides many secrets (assuming that you are also talking about the world when you say ancient)

we’re still hidden? -> Are we still hidden? -> This seems to be a recurring issue, you should always remember to properly inverse the verb and the subject of the phrase when you formulate a question.

is there somebody that knows about us -> Not sure if this is grammatically incorrect, but it would sound much better if you said “is there somebody who knows about us?”

All forgot about our powers/ all forgot about us -> It doesn’t sound very good when you use ‘all’ as a standalone word like that in this situation. You could try replacing it with “all of the world” or “Everyone” or maybe “They all”

we must gather troops from worlds -> This isn’t so much incorrect as it feels incomplete. I’d rather say something like : “We must gather troops from all of the worlds” or even “from all of the different worlds”


That’s it for the first 5 pages (On the fifth page there’s no errors since there’s basically just three small phrases)

Hope these tips will help you improve your editing skills. Good luck!


#6

I haven’t had a chance to do an indepth read or make notes, but I’d have to agree with Nemeean_lion, it did seem quite a bit easier to read with fewer errors so good job :slight_smile:

I’m kind of surprised about “varicoloured” not being in common use. Maybe its frequency of usage is a regional or subject related thing? I wouldn’t blink twice if I saw it in a paragraph as I definitely see it in use from time to time. (Maybe don’t repeat it multiple times in the same screen though if possible though as could easily be overused, especially if it’s not a well used/known word everywhere). I’d be interested in whether more people think it’s not an easily understood or rarely used word, if it’s widely unused in most places, then probably just get rid of it for ease of reading.

Same with “azure” really, (I kind of find repeated use of “blue” a bit plain and azure is a particular colour), although again don’t overuse it. Maybe grab a thesaurus or reword to help remove multiple instances of the same word in a paragraph as it can get a bit jarring when that happens a lot. 3, 4 and 5 are all good advice to take on board :slight_smile:


#7

Interesting so far can’t wait for more keep up the good work