Just a couple of quick notes as I speed past (har har).
This:
“Alex get up! It’s your first day of being a hero!” Your mom’s voice from downstairs rouses you from your sleep. You grin as you remember yesterday. You roll of bed and throw on your superhero suit. You admire how you look in the mirror. “Get ready world…” You put on your mask, as is required by law. “Here Streak comes.” You rush downstairs careful to not burn the floor. The smell of bacon and eggs invade your nostrils. “Smells good mom.” You eat your plate in seconds and let out a burp. “Thanks mom. Love you.” You kiss her on cheek and bolt outside. “Be safe!” She yells after you. You grin and speed around the block in a second. You stop suddenly and sigh. This is great, but it’s time to make
some cash!
It could use being split up for ease of reading, I believe. Plus it still feels a bit rushed, unavoidable pun and all.
Later on we go to see Henry, but it feels like that comes ‘like a flash from a clear sky’, to roll with the puns. We read about Titan before, but then we go to see this Henry fellow. I half expected to go see Titan, to be honest, and was unfamiliar with Henry - unless he is this ‘retired detective’ mentioned in conjunction with Titan.
Evidently Henry helped me a mum, but how, I don’t know at this point, so I don’t know how to feel about him when asked to do so. As earlier, you no doubt know all this in your head, but as a player I don’t unless you clue me in.
Next the end of this fight, the rescue and the return of the daughter all happens in one paragraph. Much rush there be. Slow and steady, take your time to deliver this, and - to help show passage of time, if you will - use paragraphs.
Thereafter comes what feels like a missing scene, after I choose how I feel about meeting Titan. The next thing I know, Henry is mad at him because… No idea, but evidently Titan could have killed me?
Oh and Henry and Titan refers to my character as ‘he’ regardless of my gender choice throughout that page, including asking if I am ‘my father’s son’.
That’s it, got to run.