Story
The Protagonist is a trained assassin and has swore to kill everyone related to his parents murder. Although successful in doing so, however in the end he is caught by the blast and dies. But not everything ends there…it seems you get another chance at life…but the world is not the same. The world you were in was a modern world but it seems you slipped into a fantasy one.
What path will you take now that you get a second shot at life?
Corrections, tips and criticism are greatly appreciated! Just…don’t be an ass about it.
Don’t be afraid to say what you want, I might consider adding it in!
Update 1/30
Redid Prologue and added more events. Two characters added in so far and expanded Ch 1.'s beginning a bit.
A great start to what looks like a promising story.
Though i enjoyed what you currently have, i have to say the story felt a bit rushed; mostly with the life the MC had before their death.
You may want to try and expand on the life the MC had with thier foster parents; allowing the reader a better understanding as to how the MC felt about their parents death and why they sought revenge.
Another you may want to look into is how the MC reacts to their new surroundings; I think it would be more beneficial to the reader and to your story if the MC didn’t know everthing about their new life; maybe just flashes of memories. That way the reader can fell more connected the MC and gives you more opportunities to enhance the story.
I enjoyed this story, but like @Megus pointed out, it does seem a bit rushed and I felt like we were hit with everything at once with no decisions on how to react or feel about it.
One thing I was also hoping for was perhaps we could play out the first part with the orphanage and the parents. Instead of you telling us what happened and what not.
page 2
"You accepted them as your real parents and quickly settled in as their child. Although they were kind, when they were teaching, you it was another matter. "
punctuation in the wrong spot, it should go after “you”
Mostly good. I like the premise. There are some interesting things that can be done between the old life and the new one.
I’ll echo what the last two posts said. The prologue feels a little blunt. I think maybe letting us live in the first life a little would be a nice introduction. Or make it even more bare-bones and let us get the flavor in flash-backs. Or something else. …
By law, you don’t mean some kind of Ace Attorney-like fights, do you?
Also, you might want to, uhm, extend the prologue about MC and their family, like a mini-story before the actual thing, but i suppose you were going to do it anyways, right? The way it is right now makes it seem like some sort of summary before the game setting, or maybe you are going to develop MC during the story? Anyways, good luck with this. Seems like a cool concept
Thank you to everyone for their interest and thanks for finding that mistake @FutbolDude21586. Seems like everyone wants me to go into more depth at the beginning. Originally I planned for the Prologue to be blunt, short and to the point (so I could start the story) and I wanted to expand on this and give bits of information later on in the story, but I’ll try to figure out a way to incorporate some events at the Prologue.
@a_shoggoth What’s Isekai? Regarding the cheat skill, I’m still debating if I should make you have a kind of broken ability at the start or should you have to start from scratch.
@Zassuen No it won’t be Ace attorney like. It’s a power. Regarding the prologue, you’re right on that. I wanted it to be a summary, but it seems like I perhaps add some more details.
It’s literal translation is “other/different world”, it’s the “official” name for the type of stories where the MC is transported/reincarnated/summoned into a different (usually fantasy) world. It’s all the rage in Japan these days, I thought that your story was inspired by this genre/trope
I’d recommend you to check out Isekai Houtei: Rebuttal Barrister. I think it’s very similar to your story, might be able to get some idea from it. There’s a manga version and a light novel version. I know the manga is being translated and you can easily read it from the internet. As for the Light Novel, I think it is being translated as well but I’m not 100% sure
The prologue may be short, I think there’s already a connection like the Phoenix pendant must be the source of the MC’s rebirth.
And I like how we are a bad guy at first and a choice to continue to be evil, change to good or just don’t really care. And Law, as in the terminology for powers in the rebirth world?
Oh the cliffhanger xD
Anyways, sorry for my bad english
(If you need some ideas for powers or magic, try looking at the superpower wikia. You might get an idea that is not exactly common…just saying)
