Something like this?
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âShit, Gabriel tripped and fell again!â
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âShit, google digging for information againâ
or:
âShit, an author dropped their laptop againâ
to the story:
âwho gave planning permission to the devil to create a sun roof?â
@Sneaks
I appreciate the feedback!
If you could possibly tell me your choices (or what you expected from choosing a certain choice) that would greatly assist me in ensuring that there is plenty of stoic!Gabriel thatâs not standing there smiling like a fool the whole time. I will go back through this latest scene and attempt to address that.
Now this story at the beginning is fairly heavy on narrative with a lower interaction scale and I realize that can be frustrating. At this point in the game, I have no intention of reworking these three scenes extensively (which would be required to add more choices). Iâd also like to address a few things about Gabriel in particular as a character which is part of the reason for the way the narrative is so far.
A. So far we have seen a general overview of Gabrielâs development. However, Gabriel is several millennia old. In my mind, Gabriel at this point should be viewed as almost more of a construct than an individual. Danielâs presence and the inhabiting of a mortal shell is an impetus for change, or at least the true expression of theirself as Gabriel is no longer under close scrutiny and the control of Heaven.
What is coming that should address the feeling of lack of control: future scenes will have more choices (though most choices at this point are going to be limited to ~3 in number with multiple sub-branches. More than three choices starts to feel clunky to me, and possibly repetitive). Flashbacks in particular will help set up Gabrielâs relations with Heaven, other archangels, and their base personality. If after the next scene is added you still feel that itâs overly heavy on the exposition, please do let me know (and if you can point at specific areas where you feel there should be a choice, that would be fantastic!)
@silent15
Those triple A examples are actually some of the basis for me trying to balance narrative with choice and memorability of the character. Iâm also trying to avoid doing the âA reactionâ, âB reactionâ or âC reactionâ choices that essentially identify three emotional responses (archetypes) for each situation (Dragon Age II, looking at the icons with responses).
@Eiwynn
Yes, there is quite a bit of railroading going on, but Iâm not entirely sure how to readress the situation. If you donât go with Daniel, then thereâs no story. Non-nurturing attitudes arenât supposed to feel like fluff, and there will be plenty of interaction consequences for trying to kill Daniel, just not at the moment. (If you can point at specifically âfluffyâ feeling attitudes I will attempt to rework them).
As for contextual conflict⌠the first half of the story isnât really about conflict. Itâs about existing as a human and how you build relationships and your Gabrielâs identity. There will be conflict in flashbacks (fighting included) but in present time thereâs no major overarching conflict Gabriel is seeking a solution to (other than raising Daniel). Hopefully this will still prove entertaining and make more sense once I actually get more scenes into the hands of you all.
@avidreader
Yes, you are absolutely correct about Lucifer having had multiple offspring throughout the years. Note that demons were trying to kill Daniel in the first place. His death (as far as anyone knows before God intervenes) would be of no consequence.
@Zassuen
Depressed idealist⌠I may need to tweak some things for that particular approach. And I laughed way too hard at that photo. (Itâs not too far off the mark at certain points 
)
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@Dae-kalina The city the story takes place in is it in North America?
@avidreader
Technically, yes. However it is a fictionalized version and the geography of this world is not the same as ours (mostly, but not quite)
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I understand; I was more pointing out the obvious to lay the context for my feedback - acknowledging a structural fact that could explain some of the consequences resulting in the feeling of being fluffed - 
Iâm not sure this is possible because of the structural rail-road that Daniel just is. The choices may be consequential in stats determination and such but in terms of the story - at the point in the story the reader is at when they are made - the question is - does any of this matter? As you say, later there will be consequences - mommy, why did you try to kill me that night - is the types I suspect weâll deal with as we raise Daniel
Yet
From the readerâs perspective in the moment trying to role-play the consequences of later donât bear on what is happening now.
I will think on the choices and later try to provide pointed feedback on the choices but as of right now Iâm not sure anything can be done to properly address the issue. I think if in the future the choices are not back-ended as these are the story will be fine; the danger is if this happens too often then role-play gets funneled into meta-gaming.
Perhaps chronologically but more then 10% of the starting scenes are fashback contextual setting and as such, the structure is front-loading a lot into the readerâs hands right away.
I love your story - if I gave the impression I did not, that was not meant. It is very entertaining but the better the story in its released version, the better the feedback I can give, and if this seems harsh, it is only because I feel the author is more then capable of taking what I present and using it to further improve.
I hope you are planning on writing 1 million words because I like this that much 
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Why exactly can Daniel not recognize the PCâs gender? Are we glowing on the boy? Are we wearing armor that makes it difficult to tell? Is it dark?
@Eiwynn
The fact that you are taking this much time to write feedback is really helpful! I appreciate every bit, but Iâm relatively new to the whole interactive fiction part and trying to avoid issues that lead to meta-gaming. Itâs also difficult to discern because so little of the story in terms of depth is actually out, and Iâm trying to strike a balance between progressing the plot but taking time to explain the world and Gabrielâs place in it as well as their relationships with others who inhabit the world.
I was asking for specific points because right now it feels like trying to wrangle a boa constrictor with this last scene, and Iâm not sure Iâm winning. And I honestly have no idea how long this beast will be⌠but I feel like 1 million words isnât entirely out of the realm of possibilities 
. And thanks again for the feedback! I look forward to more in the future.
@stsword
From the game:
He stares at you for a moment, brow wrinkled as he examines your armor. âAre you a guy or a girl?â
The intent is that the armor is obscuring your specific identity. Itâs also night, and relatively dark, but the main idea is that while he can recognize that you are an angel he isnât entirely sure what you are, and he figures since you asked him itâs only polite to ask as well to be sure even if he does have a guess.
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Hi! This WIP is fantastic! I played through every combination of weapon/battle strategy and I am blown away by the amount of effort that went into making each one special. Israfel is adorable (I really hope we get to see more of him soon) and I love him and his comments/jokes/concerns so much, along with the tidbits of backstory and personality that come through for Gabriel. The interaction between them is so genuine. Really, really great work so far!
@Dae-kalina want to share my MC angel fanart (or not 
) this is basically my work for some competition, though unfortunatelly it seems i canât beat the other contestant 
if some of you want to see the full image, visit this link 
: Curious_Boy Angel V.S Devil art
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Hmm⌠then maybe Lucy looks like this⌠Bishounen looking Lucifer, ainât that half bad
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You got the amount of wings right plus as an Archangel Lucifer is probably conventionally good looking.
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I like to imagine my Gab as Avacyn from Magic The Gathering, the fact they both use spears only makes things even better! Plus the blood stains from either her enemies or patients⌠either way works. 
The only difference is that my Gab uses a full armor suit⌠unlike the art where her legs are exposed⌠and has 6 wings.
(Art by Bastien Lecouffe Deharme)
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Was there a spear in weapons selection in the game? the closest I remember was a staff
Doh⌠youâre right! Somehow i convinced myself it was a spear⌠oh well. Luckily theyâre related as far as weapons go so its still possible to twist it with some imagination!
Grabs a sharp piece, some duct tape and McGyvers herself a spear using the staff
Close enough!
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It sucks that in the story weâre fused with our mortal shells. Wonder what happens when we die do we revert back to our original form or do we end up as some hybrid human/angel soul?
Permadeath. 20 characters
Where was that mentioned? 
(I honestly canât remember if it was said somewhere, or Iâm just wishfully thinking that I read it somewhere :P).
But I believed that no one really knows what would happen if the MCâs shell is killed. Since what happened to the MC, with their vessel and soul outright fusing, havenât been seen before.
I remember reading that in one of the authorâs posts here, or at least something similar. MC is fusioned with human vessel and lost contact with Heaven, so that would be the best outcome anyway. If not i can only expect him to get stuck in limbo, painfully mashed in nothingness as he canât go to Hell nor Heaven afterlife as human souls.