Love love love the characters so far! Even with the beginning glimpses of them, the personalities really shine through. 
And really liking the Tether capability and how you’ve written those interactions.
I think the pacing is good to introduce and gather everyone up, and responses to the bold thoughts would only enhance and build things up more! (/I’m being a little selfish and also just want to learn more about those thoughts haha)
Looking forward to your next update! 
If you’re considering small additions to the choices currently available, the scene where we meet Daire has two followup choices when the MC tells her about the Tether.
Rather than agreeing, or refusing outright, having a middling option to ask “why?”–and right after letting the reader decide if their MC will agree, or refuse–would feel like a nice balance between the two.
Agreeing right off the bat comes off as somewhat rash, but promptly disagreeing, while certainly cautious, doesn’t really allow reader’s to change their minds after learning her why before she leaves the conversation entirely. Reader’s can still refuse, or agree after asking, it just takes Daire realizing she’s halfway put her foot in it before making the final decision on what the reader wants to do.
Of course, they can also just agree/refuse first thing with no regards to the why at all. That’s what options like this are for.
You can take, or leave this feedback. I just think it’s a sensible thing to open-minded, but not throwing caution to the wind by being overly trusting. 
Thank you! Always glad to hear readers are enjoying these people. 
I can definitely do that, and I think what you’re saying makes sense. I think I got hung up on writing Daire as intense and direct and forgot that the player doesn’t have to respond in kind, haha. I’ll try and add something like that in in the next day or two before I move on to ch3. Thanks for the feedback!
Elleth 
He can keep my heart.
I love all the characters you have introduced, they all have a spark but he is by far my favourite 
Okay, dash is frozen so…
I really like your writing, the story and mc too.
Thank you so much! I’m pretty proud of my characters, and it’s always good to see them getting some love.
…Also, I apparently never actually tried playing this all the way through on DD instead of locally, and yeah, it’s hanging for me right after Vianta introduces herself after the second fight. Is that where it froze for you? That’s where the demo is supposed to end anyway, but I’m not sure why it’s locking up instead of going to the “ending” page. I’ll check up on that.
-edit: Okay, I think I got it fixed. It should go to the proper ending page now. Like I said, you didn’t miss out on anything if it froze at that scene, but this way it should be clear that it’s the ending and not just a random hang. Sorry about that!
Hello! I really like the premise for this story, I’m very curious to see where it leads. I do have some thoughts to share though.
First of all, is it possible for you to add a save system? If you’re using CSIDE you can add *sm_init nameofgame | 3 to the first scene in your scene list.
I have it setup like that, anyways, I don’t really remember the details, though.
So there’s this part where Maya and the MC are eating at the inn and Maya says that she’s surprised that the MC was interested in Gaven so quickly, but my MC ignored him at first and not only that but Maya did most of the talking. I don’t think I warmed up to him or anything, besides we seem to be desperate for help so why wouldn’t I consider him?
Maybe it would be better if Maya asked us instead what we think of Gaven “Do you think we could trust him?” or something like that. I know it’s a setup to mention the tether, but I don’t know, it didn’t quite suit my MC I suppose.
Another thing. It might just be me, but having the option to ask Chall if we can tether to him just upon meeting him is… weird to me. We still (and by we I mean the reader, and by the reader I mean me) don’t really understand what the tether entails, we only had a small scene that had very little to show us of it. It also seemed to me like it was something for battle and they were just talking, seemingly safe. Maybe it’s the way it’s phrased? I didn’t really understand the meaning of the option, it seemed a bit out of place.
In the end I did tether to Chall, because if years of playing RPGs have taught me anything is that a campaign will be very difficult to complete without a healer or an inventory full of high grade potions.
I do want to recommend that we get more chances to react to things that are happening, to talk. For example, when Maya calls us Shabbie in front of everyone have the option to get embarrassed or ignore it. When Daire mentions she’ll take us to her hut, maybe be surprised (I was surprised when I read hut, I was imagining a regular house) and ask her more about her home or something (though maybe I would have gotten more information if I had actually offered to help her find that book). It’s just a suggestion though, if you don’t think it would fit the MC I respect that.
Some spelling errors:
“You and Maya head inside, noting that the innkeeper seems all the more angry with the two of you know that he’s seen you talking to Daire.” I think you meant now.
Two pages after, Maya calls us “Shabie” instead of Shabbie.
In other news, I love the characters. They feel alive, the interactions are fun, I really vibe with the cast; it’s a fun bunch. Elleth and I are going to be best friends, I can tell.
Also, that part after the first battle when Maya convinces the MC to go to Daire’s house… I was so embarrassed she called me Shabbie in front of everyone! I know that was not the intention of the scene, but it made me think that I would really like it if there were a moment in which Maya tells an embarrassing story about us. Even if you don’t add it, that part where she calls us Shabbie made me feel really in character, even if the MC didn’t react to it.
Another thing that I like, and I am completely biased is lady knights. I read that on the first post and the moment I did I was sold. We just met Vianta, but I don’t care, I lover her already.
I’m sorry for the long post 
I normally don’t comment as much, but I guess I had a lot to say this time around.
Thank you so much for the feedback!
-I’ve actually been sticking to plain old Notepad so far, but I can definitely bring in CSIDE if it will make adding in save options easier. I’ll give it a go and see if I can get it implemented with the next update.
-I agree the bit where Maya asks about their first impression of Gaven is presuming too much that MC reacted clearly positively to him. I was trying more to suggest that she’s surprised that MC hired him relatively quickly, but in retrospect that’s not really clear and, as you said, it’s kind of silly to have her be surprised that MC is considering hiring someone when they’re literally looking to hire someone. 
-I reread the option about Tethering to Chall, and I do think it’s maybe kind of abrupt? Especially since the scene where Daire asks you to Tether to her (if you let the conversation last long enough at the tavern) is intentionally portrayed as abrupt. I’ll see if I can rework that to feel a little more natural. Or just remove the option if I must (although I don’t want to because the scene where you tether to Chall at the chapel is currently my favorite, but I’m sure I can find another place for it that feels more natural if I need to).
-I can definitely add in more scenes about the MC reacting to things, and as I’ve reread the story myself I agree there could stand to be more. I guess my main worry is adding options that don’t do anything mechanically, but then there’s really nothing wrong with that if it’s allowing the player to express themselves, right? Anyway, I’ll definitely check that out and try to implement at least the specific ones you mentioned.
-Maya absolutely can share embarrassing stories about PC! I definitely want to bounce their sibling dynamic off of the other characters more as they get more comfortable with the rest of the cast.
-I really can’t get enough praise for the characters, haha. They’re very much the lifeblood of the story, and I’m glad people are finding them worthwhile so far. I’m really glad Elleth is proving to be a hit with people, it took me a minute to figure out how I wanted to handle his flair for the dramatic. I’m hoping I can keep Vianta up to your expectations as the story goes as well. 
And I’m going to put this bit under a seperate tag, because it gets into the kind of sort of spoilerish zone.
Maya referring to the PC as Shabie is…loaded. I don’t really want to get into the significance too much here, but basically I have an idea in mind for how I want that nickname to work and what it signifies. I can definitely add reactions to her addressing you that way in public, at least. I’m not sure how it would work if you actually asked her to stop calling you that, though…I might have to actually write that scene just on its own and see where that goes.
The half-spoilerish followup to that is while the scene you mentioned is a case where Maya is hardcoded to refer to PC as Shabie, one of the mechanics I’m trying to implement in later chapters is that Maya changes how she refers to the PC depending on her disposition. If her disposition is high, she calls you Shabie, and if it’s low she calls you by your entered name. It’s intended to be a subtlish barometer of what she thinks of you at any given time, and is ultimately pretty important to her character arc. So I’m not entirely sure how to manage PC’s reaction to her calling you that at various other points, because what she calls you isn’t consistent. I guess I could add a variable or seven for how you’ve reacted to how she addresses you in the past…Anyway, I’ll keep an eye on ways to react how she addresses you throughout the story and implement them if and how I can.
Thank your for explaining the Shabie thing (and for considering all the others! I’m looking forward to embarrassing stories with Maya), and I completely understand. There’s no need to change it, I understand now why you did it like this and I find it quite interesting, whatever you decide to do with I respect it, after all it does sound like a lot of work to implement having mixed feelings about the nickname
Yes, it was there when it stopped working and I’m glad I didn’t miss more content.
I’m very curious about the thief-slash-attacker, he didn’t look like that much of a treat or amazing in the flashback of mc but dude stole their soul.
It’s an update! Sorry it took me a lot longer this time, and I’m not sure if this is going to end up being all of Chapter 3, but it’s a decentish chunk I hope.
Please read this post before checking out chapter 3!
https://dashingdon.com/go/6400
This is pretty much all dialogue, not much in the way of plot progression which…is okay I guess, but hopefully that’s coming in the second half of the chapter or next chapter or however I end up dividing this. So far it has almost as many lines as the previous chapters did without even having a battle yet, although I’m sure it will feel shorter still since a lot of that is more complicated dialogue trees, so we’ll see how that pans out. I’ve made a couple of tweaks to the first couple chapters as well, although I’m still expecting to add more, especially in regards to more instances of player interaction and reactions and stuff.
That said, I wanted to go ahead and post what I have now because there’s some stuff I want to go ahead and get feedback on now before I get too much farther ahead (though feedback on anything else is also welcome!), so here goes.
Okay, I’m looking for all kinds of feedback here, haha. This was a huge challenge to write and where a lot of the delay between updates came from, partly because I have no idea what I’m doing am unused to writing intimate stuff, even as early of a fade to black as this is, but partly because I wanted to figure out how to handle Gaven being relatively forward towards the player.
So first off, this scene will only occur if…
-PC is male.
-Gaven’s disposition is 35 or higher (which is an intentionally low check but I might raise it)
-You choose to follow him into the grove
-And most importantly, if you make a particular new choice in ch1 suggesting you are interested, which I added to avoid this scene triggering for players that aren’t interested in pursuing Gaven. Also, said choice only occurs if you are a male and his disposition is 35+ at the time in ch1. I’m not sure if it’s clear enough, though…
That all said, I also added several different ways to turn Gaven down even before he really asks the question, so I…feel like I did it okay? But I definitely want some confirmation on that, because the last thing I want to do is make anyone uncomfortable here. Then again, maybe I also overdid that? So if you happen to end up in that scene, please let me know if you thought it was handled well or if it was upsetting in any way.
Oh, and just a final note, my intention is that turning Gaven down here or skipping the scene entirely will NOT lock you out of having a relationship later.
Two things here! One, I want to ask if the dream sequence is coherent and if the transitions between Maya’s and (other char with highest disposition)'s segments are too jarring or unclear or what, or if the italics versus bold is obnoxious. Two, I want to drop a couple trigger warnings in advance for specific ones, though I’ve updated the trigger warning list in general as well.
Elleth’s dream involves a child’s death
Chall’s dream involves brutality, LOTS of blood, and a whole lot of self-loathing 
Okay, having said all of that, I’m still feeling pretty good about the content as a whole, I just have some fairly specific stuff I wanted some feedback on. I hope you all enjoy it!
Nice. I just found this one but I’ll be sure to read it
elleth is an interesting guy
very fun wip! I’ll be sure to follow it’s progress
I’ve seen you hanging around the threads talking about respectful consent, and such for adult content, @Jayffel, so here’s what I have to say about the new scene.
You could feel the awkward energy in Gaven’s words when he said I don’t know how to word this, as though he were secretly wishing he were as smooth as his friend Elleth in that moment of his proposal. Mildly desperate, but completely willing to back off if the MC showed any doubts. It was very sweet! 
You should be very proud of yourself for that scene; it was handled as skillfully as any pro could manage it. Wonderful job! 
@LadyUmbreon89 Thank you! I’m really relieved and proud to hear that. I put a lot of thought into it, and I’m glad it seems to have worked out. This definitely leaves me feeling a bit more confident about writing the future RO scenes too, although we’ll get there when we get there I suppose.
Very interesting story I had fun reading it. Each of the characters is unique and have their own quirks although my all-time favorite is Gaven and I like the sibling bond between MC and Maya.
You did great with the description after the MC Tether, descriptions were so vivid.
Also, I died twice while Tethering Gaven 
One question not sure if you already answered… in the beginning, there is a choice that asked if you wanted to be Warrior, Mage, or Thief. I was wondering if that would have an impact on the story since I don’t see it in the stats.
Regarding Gaven’s route, I think you did good. I only wish that there was a little flirtation first lol… something like… an amused smile played across his lips as his gaze lingers on you more than necessary… MC… I… I want you. Here, tonight.
I Will def keep an eye out for this one. Keep on the good work
Hey, @CC_Hill! Fancy seeing you here. Thank you for the kind words! The part where you select your “class” should be impacting your stats, I’ll double check to make sure I coded that stuff in properly. It also boosts the disposition of characters related to that class, though that’s invisible to the player at the time since you don’t see characters’ disposition bars until you meet them.
Thanks for the feedback about Gaven’s route. I agree that right now that it’s a little mechanical, and it could stand a little more buildup and description and just…I dunno, steaminess? But I also do kind of want to keep it awkwardly, almost UNromatically blunt, just because that’s who Gaven is and kind of speaks to the sort of relationship he expects. At any rate, it’s something I definitely want to revisit and work on some more, so I’ll keep this in mind when I do that.
Hey, everybody! It’s been a while and I just wanted to give you all a bit of a progress update post thing.
I made a little more progress into chapter 3 up to the fight for that chapter, and decided that I have enough stuff to revise that I wanted to go ahead and stop and rework what I have already, kind of my first proper revision/reedit/rewrite/resomething. I’ve made my way through the prologue, which is almost completely different (the content itself is largely the same with an extra scene or two, but rewritten to be more engaging, actively participating in the character generation memories instead of just thinking about what happened). I’m thinking that chapters 1 and 2 will probably be more recognizable, smaller scale edits like word choice and passive/active voice and maybe rearranging some stuff.
I’m also taking this time to incorporate some of the critiques I’ve gotten about missing or odd choices, adjusting conversation paths, and things like that. So I’m still absolutely taking feedback on what’s in this demo so that I can use it to touch up the rework. I’m also planning to overhaul the combat scenes in particular and try to finally figure out how to make them a little more game-y and a little less, uh, arbitrary. Finally, I’m trying to sort a couple things out with MC’s relationship dynamics with the other characters, particularly Maya. I’m also ready to implement a point somewhere - probably at the end of chapter 1? - where the player can ask Maya to stop calling them by their nickname.
Anyway, I’m sorry I don’t have much to actually show today, but I’ve been silent for a while and I just wanted to let you all know that this project is still going, and I’m trying to clean it up and make it as good as I can. Thank you all again for your support so far, and I’ll see you around the forums!
Glad to see you back! I’m excited for those new additions you mentioned, sounds interesting. I don’t have much to say in terms of feedback (still haven’t played the latest update) but good luck with the rewrite, it’s always nice going back and revisiting scenes and I’m looking forward to whatever you come up with.
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