Red String of Fates (WIP) Demo

Thank you for the feedback! :blush: and also thank you for loving the magic system I build so hard on. :rofl: hopefully, I can deliver it with the even better later on.

Yes, thank you for your support! :blush: hopefully I can deliver the story well.

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I don’t know if it has been pointed out or not, but, the image for the ‘prologue’ says ‘prolog’ instead.

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Oh, I’m sorry about that. Ok, I’ve fixed it :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes:

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Hmm it’s interesting! I like the concept and I think Ellene is a cutie. Oh, and not to mention the amount of customisation available is very cool!

I’m not a native English speaker but I’ll have to say the punctuation, grammar and flow are pretty bad that it kinda distracts me from the story. Besides, there are a few errors regarding my MC’s gender. Sometimes it uses she/her and they/them instead of he/him which made me confused a few times.

IMO wouldn’t it be better to polish the available chapters first before churning out another? The writing can turn people off before they get through a chapter which is very sad because I actually like the plot. Just a thought. Sorry if that sounds rude!

Good luck with your WIP ( ╹▽╹ )

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oh, no it’s ok. I’m open with the criticism and opinions :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes: yeah I’m still needed to check it, some things just slip pass my inspection sometimes, and I still have don’t have an editor so I’m really sorry if it killed the overall atmosphere/ moods. Don’t worry I’m still planning for the next chapter while still going back and forth from the beginning. Also, it’s good to hear that you like Ellene :blush:

okay, I think I really need to check this out. :sweat_smile:

Thank you for your input :blush:

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Okay I will admit one thing I have picked water because I like water I did not expect my favorite attribute to lead to that much Carnage of being controlled by another entity all I got to say is you did a good job on chapter 3 on making me feel all these types of emotions and the secret dead end

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the ending of the demo was the best it leave me speechless :astonished: :astonished:
good job ten out of ten for me

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Hello everyone, it’s been a week after the 3rd chapter dropped. I hope you like it, so far. Now I’m working on all the previous chapter’s 2nd edits. I don’t know how long it will take to edit them all but I’m planning on dropping the edited version per chapter starting from the prolog and working my way up. But yes, I’m really sorry I cannot share or work on chapter 4 anytime soon. I am really thankful for everyone who gives this story a chance. I will update soon (maybe not once a week update), but yeah I’ll let you know if I’m about to drop the edited version later. Lastly, let me say thank you~ :blush: :grin:

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We thank you too I’ll be patiently waiting

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Hi, I’m here to inform you that, the Prolog chapter has been edited for smother reading experience, now on to the next chapter! :+1:

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I really love our sibling but I do have some feedbacks for the parents

Summary

If we chose the bad relationship it’s hinted that they beat MC at the start and it seem to not be the first time. Yet in game they seem to only be portrayed as neglectful and exploitative. The thing is even if both are awful,physical abuse personally make me want to make them suffer far more for it. If you wish to keep it as it is. I would suggest to give options for MC to act against their parent more. Because if they abused them like they did I’m sure I am not the only one that will want revenge sooner or later.
For example :

  • Have choices to have MC not care at all of what they think (the MC worry a lot about how mad the parent will be for this whole situation)
  • Change up some passage at the dinner scene where the MC use magic and wonder if what they did to their step-parent was deserve (I dunno if it may be personal but if my parent beat me I wouldn’t feel sorry at all for what I did) so they don’t necessarily feel sorry ? For I know that my MC would only be worry for their sibling and accidentally killing one of their parent (and that’s only because she doesn’t wanna go to jail)

I don’t know how to explain it but the text seem to portray the parent as only slightly neglectful and so when the MC act out after they make it seem as if they are also a bit in the wrong ? I’m certainly phrasing this wrong but basically I wished we could have options to completely hate the parent with the text validating us instead of making it seem as if we stand on equal footing.

Also I like the magic system and the worldbuilding seem really interesting (although I was also confused at what time period this was in so I think it would help to add more details to make it explicit)

Others feedbacks

Summary
  • I wished we could decide a bit more how our MC feel rather then it being already planned like, how do they feel about being forced to join the RG ?
  • Which lead me to finding it weird that it’s discussed multiple time if MC will or will not join them ??? As it’s clearly not a choice, it’s or join them or go to the sages which is basically ,according to Ivorry, a fate worse than dead. I found it even weirder that we didn’t have an options to tell everyone at the tavern that we don’t want to join them, we are forced to (same with the guy Sky or an option to be vague would also be great, not the type of thing you tell to a stranger)
  • I also have to agree with the others about the prose. On it’s own it’s good but all of the mistakes or typos make it difficult to understand. Multiple time I was confuse about what was happening especially at the scene where you serve the group of stranger at the bakery. I couldn’t tell who was who clearly. The same happened for when you meet the RG I had a hard time differentiate between them, or what object was where. Note, I am also not a native speaker so that may be on me. But I think it could greatly help you to have native English beta reader or smth like that to smooth out the prose and make it flow more clearly.

Overall I think your story have a lot of potential I will definitively follow. :slight_smile:

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Hi, thank you for your opinion and feedback, It really helps. :grin:

I know I need more descriptive about the writing and writing things too vague. But, yes I tried not to give too much information in the description to leave it a mystery to be answered later, that’s why. Because of that, I think I’ve left too many detail ppl wanted (sorry, :sweat_smile:).

I’m also doing the re-editing from prolog up to chapter 3 again so, stay tuned for that!

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You want to know why I picked water it’s a liquid most powerful thing on earth if you make good weapon of choice

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Yes, they are powerful, stay tuned for more water-related magic on ch 4! :joy:

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Is there a specific reason your step-sister/brother is always the opposite of what you choose? I’d love it if you could choose whether to have a sister or brother instead of it just being defaulted based on your choice of gender, unless ofc there’s a reason for this we’ve yet to find out :slight_smile:

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Thanks for reading :grin:, yes for the sibling gender, this is defaults based on your own gender. I cannot go into detail but it was related to the story itself so I hope you will wait for that ^v^.

By the way, I’m just releasing an extra scene for the sibling on my Tumblr.
This is for Ellene scene, Veluna Ryn : Winter Festivals [Ellene version]
This is for Allen scene, Veluna Ryn : Winter Festivals [Allen version]

I hope you enjoy it while I’m back at working on editing again :blush: :joy:

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Hi, so not sure if this would be an issue I would direct to you or if it’s a glitch/issue on ChoiceScript/Dashingdon side but every time I pull up the demo I get this showing up

Edit: also yes, I realize it’s 4:22 in the morning. Don’t @ me

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Do Electro mages control lightning or earth? Because I picked the choice where I use Lightning but Ivory says I can control the earth.

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Oh, There is a loading bar on the right side of the screen. You need to wait for that to load up first. :grin: I hope it help.