In My Eyes [WIP]


#1

Hi!

I’ve been working on this game for some time, and although it’s not the principal one I was planing to do, I would like to see what you guys think about it.

The writing it’s very simple, I am not a native English speaker and in my language I am used to have a million different words to refer to the same thing, as well as descriptions. So because of it, it may seem a litlle “childish”.

The history:

You are the princess of the Ohnos Kingdom and was born with magic, a very unusual thing in the world of Zera. From your eyes, you can heal people. Now you will announce for all the world what you can do, and live with the threat of the remainings of a previous war, and a unexpected betrayal.

Link: https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/s/1ctznpwirwk365w/In%20My%20Eyes.html?dl=0

Other things to know:

  • Gender locked
  • 2 Romance options
  • 334k in this sort of demo
  • I didn’t add many features (i.e. last name, gender swap) because of my poor knowledge of coding, and I also plan do to some things later on.

You should be able to get to the talk with your mother. Please point errors found, as well as grammatical mistakes, there should be a lot of them. :sweat_smile:

~~Carol


#2

Sorry (to) hear that perhaps you can make the vest of it.

I hurt my leg when I was waching the soldiers train, a thing that my dad has forbided me.
(Watching)


#3

Err… 334k for an average playthrough… in a -demo-? o.O That’s… longer than most complete games existing right now. Wow.


#4

Would you like me to comb your work for errors?

Also while I understand it’s gender locked is it also preference locked? I.E. HeteroFem? Or is the other romance option the maid? Just curious because I noticed a lot of the time was spent with Henry over the maid.


#5

“The writing it’s very simple, I am not a native English speaker and in my language I am used to have a million different words to refer to the same thing, as well as descriptions.”

There are lots of people on here who can help you sharpen your skills in English, so you shouldn’t worry about that too much. You should focus more on the programming skills you have. Also, I noticed some “comment” lines were visible during some scenes with Henry.


#6

Just played through the opening parts of your game, barring some generally minor spelling issues which is understandable given that English isn’t your native language I think this looks good. I especially love the unique take on character stats by naming them after seasons, and playing a story as a princess with abilities works well as a concept.


#7

Yes Like Beezlebub I am kind of curious as well. Can my character be attracted to females?


#8

“You look at the beautiful birds that pass through the infinity blue sky. " - “infinity” should be “infinite”
“Today is the day where you show the people your gift.” - “Where” is unnecessary
"There are some histories” - “Histories” should be “story’s”
“it was all they were: histories” - 'It" should be “That”, “histories” should be “story’s”
“Elderes sayed that once in a hundred years,” “Sayed” should be “Said”. “Elderes” should be “Elders”
“chooses a human being for carry it’s magic,” “for” should be “to”
“from that moment the person is capable of doing magic features.” - rephrase “doing magic features” i.e performing magical feats
"But whoever was the previous humans before you," - remove “was” between whoever and “the”, add “was” after “human”
“and soon these histories became legends” - “these” should be “the”, “histories” should be “story’s”
“it took a very long time for the kingdom conquer it’s peace.” - add “to” after “kingdom”, “conquer” should be “attain”(or a similar word), remove “it’s”
“the most trustfull teachers were brought to you,” - “trustfull” should be “trusted”, add “only” before “the”
“Kyla is your family loyal servant since you were born” - “is” should be “has been” , family should be plural
"always with a sweet smile in her face" - “in” should be “on”
“It’s been like this since you were five, and now, with thirteen years old woudn’t be any different.” - “it’s” should be “Its”, remove “and now, with thirteen years old”.
“the place where are the pictures of all the kings and queens from ancient times " remove “the place”, remove “are”, add “displayed” after “times”
“but they also the King has been very clear that this friend of yours it’s a distraction, specially in your special day. Do you agree with him? " add “know” after “also”, “It’s” should be “is”, “specially” should be “especially” “in” should be “on”
“Henry it’s not what you may call nobility, but he’s nice.” - replace “it’s not what you may call nobility” with “may not be nobility”(or something similar)
” Your dad don’t like it” - "don’t should be “doesn’t
"your mother is his good side towards Henry.” - “Henry has been on your mothers good side”


#9

first choice options
I was playing with my best friend Henry, and when he tried to pick an aplle for me, he trick and got hurt.
Aplle is apple, trick… i think you meant tripped

I hurt my leg when I was waching the soldiers train, a thing that my dad has forbided me.
forbided should be forbade if your looking for past tense in that sentence, waching was already mentioned by
faewkless to be watching

i hope you do well in your writing and don’t get discouraged English is my only language and my grammar is terrible.
a option you can try is opening a word document and typing it there and using its grammar and spelling checks to iron out most things, then you can just copy and paste.

sincerely drakeye


#10

Your English is very good, but there are errors on every page. (@Raulin has reported a small number of errors.) Writing and editing this yourself is too ambitious, if you really want to finish it and publish it.

I think you need someone who is fluent in English to go over your work and rewrite/edit a lot of it. That will save you many hours of making corrections. It will give you more time to work on your story. It might also help you improve your English even more.


#11

link if broke? unless you stop this i don`t know?