The inn’s bodyguard seemed like was going to be issue but you supposedly got lucky. Jester convinced Rahul, the innkeeper’s guard, to join our theft. Your brother was a little sceptical at the time but you just knew something was wrong. You warned Logan again but he still decided to ignore you.
I believe you meant "The inn's bodyguard seemed like he was going to be an issue..." and "Your brother was a little skeptical at the time...".
Maybe Jester did not sell you both out, but how had the guards known where your hide out was?
I think hideout is one word.
After you think of every dark though possible for what could happen to your foolish brother, and perhaps yourself for being the greater fool, you notice an outpost.
I believe you meant "After you think of every dark thought possible for what could happen to your..."
The reason why you did not kill anyone was because you knew that was a slippery slope. Sure stealing was one thing. Hurting and roughing someone up was another. But starting to kill for hire, not that, was soemthing you would never dream of doing.
I believe you meant "But starting to kill for hire, now that, was something you would never dream of doing."
They dragged him towards a well-used wooden pole near the noble. It looked like it had been used for a millennium. When the guards finished chaining the man to the pole, they ripped his cloth off of him using their hands. One of the guards ran up to the noble and gave him a black whip.
As the warden cleared his throat for the second time.
“Those who disobey shall be suffer. Those who show me no respect shall be humiliated.”
He uncoiled the black whip and says “Do not look away.”
Three things here that confuse me. First I believe you meant "Those who disobey shall suffer." Second I believe you mean "He uncoiled the black whip and said ...". Third I am confused by the word "cloth" in the first paragraph. You either mean shirt or clothes if you are saying what I think you are saying. Cloth may refer to something that is setting-specific that I don't think was explained.
He stared at the males and says “Any male who is above seventeen summers will have to mine. I will be the one saying who seventeen summers is and who is not.” He started to look towards the females and his smile grew even more crooked.
Two things here. I think you meant "He stared at the males and said...". Secondly, the second sentence comes across confusing. I am not sure if the warden is meant to speak a certain way, but if he is not I would change it to "I will be the one saying who is seventeen summers and who is not."
“Anyone who does not perform their tasks will be punished. I hope that you get the idea of what this means and as time goes by you will learn a few things that I am not going to bother teach right now. So, the adult men and women shall go for now.”
This is dialogue again so I am not sure if this is intentional but I wanted to point this out just in case. I think you meant "I hope you get the idea of what this means and as time goes by you will learn a few things that I am not going to bother teaching right now...". And the last sentence is confusing but I'm not sure how I would fix it as I don't know what you are trying to say.
You for the one time in your life was glad that you were not old enough to warrant for the mining camp.
I think you meant "You for the one time in your life were glad...". I would also add commas to make it more readable if I were you.
After a few moments of shuffling, a few tried to give some friction, which got them a nice smack with the wooden side of the guard’s sharp spears.
Most of those who remained looked about the same age and only two or three might have been younger than you. The warden walks closer to the remaining group, to inspect and to make sure of every single persons worth.
I don't understand what you mean at this part when you say that "a few tried to give some friction". This could be a setting thing, a idiom I just don't know, or I am not smart enough to understand. I just wanted to point it out in case it was a typo. In the second paragraph I there is a problem with your tenses. I'm not sure but I think it should be "The warden walked closer..." to agree with the verb "looked" in the previous sentence, and the other verbs in your game/story are in the past tense.
I don't want to come across as overly critical by copying and pasting more typos but there seems to be a lot of verb conjugation errors. You seem to switch between past and present tenses a lot in ways that make the game harder to read and confusing.
The game/story itself seems fine. While it isn't exactly my genre, I could see this becoming a very good game/story. I want to caveat my next point by saying that it is your story, you know what is going to happen, and you should write whatever you want. So the game seems to imply that the warden is a pedophile. I don't know if its because of story reasons. But I would argue that is probably in your best interest to not imply that. If its for setting reasons, you want to game to be darker and grittier, ok that is your choice. But your original post stating you were trying to make the game playable to a wide audience and if you decide to go down that path you are narrowing your audience (which is totally ok if that is the story you want to make). The game is already violent and has torture. So you start with an audience of only adults. If the implied pedophilia is story related, you are going to narrow your target audience even further (which again is totally ok if that is what you want). If its not story related, I would argue that it is unnecessary. The setting is already dark and gritty with the level of torture and violence you have. If you are trying to develop the warden as a character, I also think it is unnecessary. The warden is already put into the position as an antagonist because he already between the player/reader and their desire to escape. The warden is also already seen as despicable/hated because at around the same time you seem him whipping someone to death/near-death. I guess having the warden eyeing the sub-18 female prisoners gives an added level of creepiness, but I think torture is enough to creep most people out.
edits: added more typos and overall thoughts.
