Is the lack of speech marks on purpose? Because it drives me nuts trying to read it but maybe that’s just me, other then that I really like the concept and am looking forward to reading more,
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@ProjectEkerTest33 lol in a way yes, but that was because i’m in the middle of studying for a test to get my work license. The test is next week and I wanted to get something out cause it kept distracting me. After I take it I will be free and i’ll put them in there(somewhere)
I’m sorry but I can’t read it without quotation marks. Tried and I got serious headaches.
Ooh, I hope we can win with two out of those three, I almost always tend to focus on intelligence and magic, but I’m not so sure about malice.
Ooh, our own sexy hostage including Stockholm syndrome that turns into true love lust.
Or did you mean more we can go up against the prince too and if we “win” then defeat means friendship or did you mean something else entirely with “capture” there?
In any case I do like the possibility of being able to “capture” a sexy vampire lover and hopefully turn him into a true companion.
After all what’s tormenting, torturing taking revenge on a family so rotten they did not even let us eat of a plate or at the table if one cannot share the experience with sexy lover and what could possibly be more romantic than planning on how we are going to torture them together, right?
My mc certainly isn’t planning on spawning any offspring, I’m not that big of a fan of male pregnancy and it ruins your figure in a way I don’t see any guys ever completely recovering from. Certainly not with any of the horrible “alpha’s” that would just mean auto-abortion. I hope all that magic has some good anti-conception and/or abortion spells.
Yeah it’s a bit of a struggle to read it at the moment, but I still found it to be worth it.
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I’ll echo what has been said before about the lack of separated dialogue. It became so prevalent I had to stop reading after a while.
Wow. Don’t know where to start with this. I think the first thing I’ll do is go along with everyone about the grammar. I tried reading but I ended up with a headache in the end… sorry. To help with your dialogue, “my rule of thumb” for writing is each time someone new starts to talk, then that is the start of a new paragraph. Make sure you keep an eye on those quotation marks.
Another thing, is that this feels very, fanfic-y? Well, it’s probably because of the whole “omegaverse” going on that makes me feel that and it triggers me back to those fanfiction.net days, lol. But I think what would help out for this issue is to cut back with the description with characters? Fanfictions usually have over the top, paragraph long, descriptions for characters. Too much wordiness, which you got going on with some characters. It’s a hard pill to swallow. Description is a hard thing for any author to write. I advise trying to sneak descriptions in. I’ll make an example using Adanna. “I watch my companion from where I sat. How she brush back her black hair with her porcelain colored hand. Her name bubbled up in my mind as I watched the youngest member’s action. Adanna.” Well, that’s a bad example. But the point I’m trying to make is to make quick descriptions then action then quick description then action again.
Lastly, this is more nitpicking that anything. The MC’s hair color. Horrendous choice, I’m sorry. Strawberry blonde and silver highlights? I can’t. That is a color coordination disaster and rather mary sue-ish. If you really want to dictate the MC’s hair color, strawberry blonde is fine, but not with silver streaks. That is such a mess of colors, to be honest. Though, with choice of games, it’s better to let the player decide how they look like in the first place. The same goes with names. But I can’t tell you how to make your games. It’s your game and I can respect that. But I only beg you fix that hair color. I got this bad image in mind.
This game has a solid concept and I’m interested to see how it fairs. This is just some criticism since this game can improve alot. But… yeah. I’m rambling now. Work hard!
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I liked the relatively casual nudity 
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Wolves don’t wear clothes 
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Oh nvm i see what you mean…lol
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so far so good but one thing
“They sometimes seem like children.” Alecta was talking with some sadness in her voice. You asked her in the nicest way possible “is something was wrong?” She answers back “everything is fine, you worry to much about me.” You don’t buy that answer. Alecta is the only one of us that is some what magically trained or rather she possesses some basic knowledge. From what I could investigate, she is a wind user and those who control wind can sometimes get glimpses of the future. The “glimpses” are not as powerful as the magic of the gods called divinity which can be use to look into the future. She sometimes gets glimpses and won’t tell us what they were about. Alecta turns her to you “Last raid of the day, better make it count. We are running low on money, we should also consider moving south.”
this looks too much like a wall of text better give space when it’s different people talking, maybe?
Seems like a interesting read
“You know what?! We cant kill you but nobody ever said anything about knocking you out.”
can’t
“check him before we go”.
Capitalize check and the period belongs inside the quote.
“stop! Don’t put your hands on me!”
Capitalize stop
“not much I suppose, it’s not like we can sell it normally, at the black market price probably 300 gold.”
Cap not
It’s goanna take about an hour to get to your camp which is in the center of the forest. That gives you time to think and with that your mind wonders off.
gonna/going to
You turn your head forward just starring at the plate.
staring
“Does he have a name the little girl asked?”
Sentence is messed up. Question mark and quote belong after name.
Adanna asks What are we having for dinner?
Adanna asks “What are we having for dinner?”
“Food says Alecta, you know if you don’t like my cooking you don’t have to eat it.”
“Food” says Alecta, “you know if you don’t like my cooking you don’t have to eat it.”
You two began to walk away, “don’t stay out late” Alecta said.
You two began to walk away, “Don’t stay out late” Alecta said. This sentence also bugs me because it’s past tense and the rest of the page is present.
:No one, but you ain’t going nowhere until I treat the wound."
Miss clicked quote at start
“they are forbidden to come out of there”
Cap they
“it’s better than moving south, alpha hunters would be expecting such a move. The hunting of omegas has gotten worst in recent years.”
Cap it’s
Azakel pause for a minutebefore he continues
minute and before are together.
“guys have you ever you know, thought about leaving this place. Going out there to the unknown, visit places we only have read of in books.”
Cap guys
"it is reality knocking at your door.
Cap it’s
“interesting… Dear can you perhaps tell me where your companions are?” Alecta looked at him in the eyes, “you filthy alpha scum.” The man got a sadist look in his eyes, “wrong answer dear.”
Cap, Interesting, You, and Wrong
“of course not. What ever it takes for self preservation.” “Wrong!” Alecta said, “not because of self preservation, but because they couldn’t give two shits about me.” The alpha put his hands on his hips, "well it can’t be help if you don’t want to give away the location of your companions.
Cap of, not, and well
"oh a right a chalice.
Cap oh
“You know its a pity, I won’t get to see the face of who ever hired you when he finds out what a looser alpha you are. I mean you can’t even track a few omegas let alone a chalice.”
*loser
“pity really… You could have survive.”
Cap pity
She was histerical. “Maybe he was diffective” the man said
hysterical and defective
“What do you mean my acting is not on par” yelled Adanna. “Oh please darling, if this is the best you have got then you better turn in your letter of resignation said Azakel. The moment the carriage driver and guards see you, they will know it’s an ambush.”
“What do you mean my acting is not on par?” yelled Adanna. “Oh please darling, if this is the best you have got then you better turn in your letter of resignation.” said Azakel. “The moment the carriage driver and guards see you, they will know it’s an ambush.”
“Well if your so good at acting mister pig. Then why don’t you do the honors”
“Well if your so good at acting mister pig. Then why don’t you do the honors.”
"Darling are you crazy, getting down and dirty and *ruing this nice fur I just skinned.
*ruining
“Well there you go Adanna, Azakel smiled, that’s pretty convincing. Now don’t ever say I never helped you.” “Well there you go Adanna”, Azakel smiled, “that’s pretty convincing. Now don’t ever say I never helped you.”
“is something was wrong?” She answers back “everything is fine, you worry to much about me.”
“Is something was wrong?” She answers back “Everything is fine, you worry too much about me.”
“who did this to you?”
Cap who
“(I also noticed you like to group and quote thoughts like this, it’s more common to italicize them or quote them and indicate they’re thoughts.)”
Disclaimer: I’m not perfect, I don’t really know European grammar or vocabulary and I’m not perfect with my American English. So double check anything I said.*
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I love stories with the Alpha, Beta, Omega hierarchy… so you basically had me the second I read the title. The less than pleasant themes just sealed the deal.
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Well the edit button disappeared so I have to continue down here. October is around the corner and i don’t know were i’m going to host this, so this story might be canceled, i don’t know yet but will see.
Crap the story is taking so long to fix and write it aint even funny anymore.
PREVIEW CHAPTER 2:
Chapter 2 : History, 5 year training, Reincarnation
The gang’s past lives are revealed one by one, on a heartfelt night under the stars of the aurora Borealis.
History Part 1: The farmlands
Farmlands: Prefecture who’s only task is to provide the empire with food.
Phi the (M.C) tell us about Hir birth and about the series of event leading to Hir wedding night. Hir tells us about the rape and the reason Hir fled into the dark forest on a full red mood. Hir also reveals the deepest darkest secret of Hir own life and also tell us about what Hir did about it.
History Part 2: Warrior lands: cannibalism is for the weak
Warrior lands: Prefecture designated by the emperor or empress, who’s only job is to provide the empire with train soldiers by the excessive breeding of omegas.
Azakel tells us about his life in the warrior prefecture. He tells us about his dreams of wanting to become a stay at home omega. We get a look at why his a bit of a sociopath. He exposes us a bit to the cultural side of his birth home and about his punishment for failing to meet the cultural expectations of his clan.
He also reveals what small parting gift he left his family before running away from his home.
History Part 3: A cotillion girl’s heart
Imperial capital- A city so huge that its populace reaches 10 million citizens. It was built on 3 stone ring levels. The poor live at the bottom. The medium working class families live in the middle. Royalty and nobles live in the 3rd ring. Each ring is like their own little country with different rules and protocol.
A person doesn’t always have to go through traumatic events through out a long period of time to make them turn out into the person they are today. Sometimes it just takes one.
This is the case of pretty Adanna. Adanna was born into a life of extreme luxury and wealth in the imperial capital, to one of the most important houses of the empire. She reveals her life before the arrival of her twin alpha brothers and most importantly, she reveals the event that let her to change her perspective on life and made her become who she is now.
5 year training
After talking and choosing your path, the gang splits up so that they can work on controlling their powers and also on becoming lethal warriors and assassins.
Adanna- goes to the island of magma, were the normal temperatures are in the 100s.
Azakel- goes back to the part of the forest that is located near the slums of the imperial capital.
Phi- you go were ever your chosen path takes you.
Reincarnation
After years apart, the gang reunites on a night when the rare white moon is in full bloom.
This time they reunite to give a proper burial to their friend.
They reunite to burry the remains of their former selfs.
They reunite to begin their plans of revenge against all those who have wrong them.
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Stupid dropbox! I liked this story, at least the bit that’s been up. I was really looking forward to seeing how I get my revenge!
Not sure where you wanted to have it in the first post, so I just added it at the bottom.
Have you checked out dashingdon already? That site’s specifically designed to host ChoiceScript games.
Just ask one of the mods @Havenstone, @Cecilia_Rosewood or @FairyGodfeather or our friendly admin @jasonstevanhill to turn the first post of this thread into wiki format and then you can continue to edit it to your heart’s content.
You can try Dashingdon or Webs.com I believe. You can also put it up on your own site of course, if you have one, or if you’ve got an ISP that will still provide you one included in the standard cost of your service plan.
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Friendly? How dare you call me…friendly.
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Okay fine, I’ll change it to really, really, freakishly tall in the future. 
It’s funny that all the problems could essentially be solved if (in my version at least) if my Phi and Azakel could just switch bodies, cause all my Phi really wants is to be a real man and to be able to have sex without worrying about very much unwanted consequences, while Azakel apparently really wants those consequences.
Also if we ever get into power do we need to be a Queen, or even worse a princess? Cause my mc would absolutely hate those titles and never allow himself to be referred to as such, if he has any say in it. He will also never wear dresses or other feminine clothes, again unless physically forced into them.
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@idonotlikeusernames
If you are male then you will be wearing male clothes. If you are female than you will be wearing female clothes. Right now I’m leaving that aspect as simple as it can be. The only thing is because omegas are seen as weak and the inferior race. Their clothes tends to be a bit more bright and colorful with sometimes intricate ornaments. If you are a male, your clothes also might be made a little bit tighter to accentuate the svelteness of the body. Sometimes it might be cut into a bit of a feminine shape.
For example: if you have seen dragon ball z, the supreme kai or kai they wear those puffy sleeves. Your clothes might have that but who knows.
Omegas are definitely expected to dress a certain way vs Alphas or Betas who’s attire are a bit baggy and colors are muted with earth tones.
But don’t worry all the above you will only have to wear if you’re in some type of court. Since you will be on the road a lot, your attire will mostly consist of leathers and furs, unless you wanna wear something else.
Also one final thing is, you will have to wear kimono looking clothes if you’re attending some type of ritual.(its a respect thing)
That depends on which path you choose.
I don’t think I ever mentioned this, but the omega race 90% of the population is female. While the other 10% is male. Omega society is very matriarchal. Because of this even if you are male. When it comes to honorific tittles, they will always use female ones. But that is only inside the omega kingdom.
If you go that route, you will have to put up with it for a little while. We have to remember that this story is all about appearance and deception at first. Not only will you be dealing with an oppressive werewolf society, but you will also be dealing with discrimination inside your own race if you are male. People don’t know who you are or what you want, you can’t go in there and demand to be call a king or a prince or something else because you are going to tick off the wrong people which will get you lynch alive.
You will have to wait until you build your power and following before you start making changes. Until that happens, it’s best to go with the flow.
If you however decide to go on the path of religion or decide to climb to the top and get into the imperial alphas bed, then the type of honorific tittles that would be use are the ones that go with your gender.
I have looked into dashingdon but i don’t know yet. I’ll look at it again.
There are so many things I want to implement but im so indecisive.
Do you guys think it’s important to have sexual orientation on a game?
I don’t know I was thinking of using sexual orientation as a way to further make the M.C’s hate grow even deeper.
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