Project Legends: The Battlemage (WIP)

high-fantasy
gender-choice

#1

Project Legends: The Battlemage

Set in the fictional and High-Fantasy world of Aeradoth. As the Heir to a powerful and influential Magic House, you will someday lead the City-state of Aurora, the City of Lights. A beacon of peace in a land scarred by war.

Mages rule human society on the continent of Azora, but the world is slowly changing. New ideas are being introduced from foreign lands, the social order is being challenged, and grudges old and new are surfacing.

War will come, but who will ignite the flames? What will you do? What is Your Legend?

Project Legends is an incredibly large project that will take you through various Legends in the world of Aeradoth, a High-Fantasy world filled with fantastical creatures both old and new,

The Battlemage is planned to be a five part series. The Battlemage is currently being worked on in the background. I have no idea when it will next be updated but I’m shooting for a November update.

Link:
http://www.choiceofbox.com/NeoHeartless/LegendOfTheBattleMage.html

Did you love it? Leave a like! Any comments, concerns, or questions? Don’t be afraid and just ask! Community support and interaction keeps me driven!


Did you come from my blog? If so, stick around a bit and explore the creations of other talented writers and enjoy the supportive and helpful community.

What? You have a blog?
Yes I do!

What’s in it?
Oh, for now, short stories concerning the world of Aeradoth. Come by and read what I have, if you enjoy it share it with your friends, family, and fellow reading enthusiasts.

Umm… Where’s your blog link?
http://emperorheartless.wordpress.com/ is the link.


Which WIP would you bring back from the dead?
NeoHeartless - CS Comp Alpha Testing
Honest Trails - (WIP)
Preferability of "non gender segregation" world in CoG
#2

A blank line between paragraphs makes text easier to read btw :slightly_smiling:

“Simply wonderful Madame $!(lastname)” < you want the curly braces there :wink:


#3

Oops haha. Thanks for pointing those out! They should be fixed now.


#4

The surname is - still lacks line breaks between paragraphs.

Actually, you just have huge paragraphs. Consider breaking them up so that they are 4-5 sentences.


#5

Hmm yes one of my fatal flaws. When I write I keep going and going and forget to space it out a bit. I’ll rework it some more.


#6

It’s interesting so far, you’ve got some potential here. But LordOfLA is right, your paragraphs are too large, they need to be broken up a bit.

As for the spacing between paragraphs. It may not be present in books all the time, but in ChoiceScript games it makes it more appealing to the eye and easier to read. If you notice, every ChoiceScript game that’s been published does it.

I like the premise, being a legend is fun. Makes me feel like a bad ass. We live on the border of three separate magi countries, so does that mean we will be able to learn their forms of magic?


#7

Do you want my feedback?


#8

Yep i’m adjusting the writing. Trying to make it to where you aren’t assaulted with sentence upon sentence lol.
And yeah. Those three Magi countries influence a large amount of Aurora which will be shown more as you get further in the story. The magic each one wields can be learned by you and you’ll be able to focus on one specifically or try to be something along the lines of a Jack of all Trades.

@poison_mara Yes. Honest feedback on what’s wrong no matter if it’s perceived as harsh or not imo is better then "Oh yeah. It’s good."
I can’t improve without being knocked down after all :wink:


#9

Well you have an error on line 22 of stats because you did wrong the spacing.
Edit if you want I could cheeck later your code to helping you.


#10

Interesting! I’m excited to see what forms of magic we’ll have access to.

It’s not a big error, but I did notice that you spelled “carriage” wrong a few times. Think you mixed up the “a” and “i.”

Other than that I don’t think I saw anything, though my run through was pretty quick.


#11

Pretty good start. There’s an indenting error on the stats page just incase you didn’t know.


#12

This.
This is why I need beta testers lol.

@DarthDovahkin yep i’m expecting quite a few spelling errors as time goes on. My typing can be incredibly horrendous at times and I press random things just cause.


#13

Just Updated it some more. Question are the current paragraphs still too wordy and large or are they more bearable and reader friendly?


#14

In phone are a nightmare, but better. From a roleplaying perspective the beginning is a down through hill. No way a baby know about genders or half you say. Focus in ton feelings remember a baby not know what is person or gender. I portrayed in my mind something like this.

Cold… and light, blurring something observed me Wanting something? Where is the water and the smell all is dare and sounds… Different stronger the big bump has gone… A moving thing grabbed me closer his form change moving … a big hole and two light points opening and closing… .
What I do?
*choices.


#15

Very true. I tried to make it a more comedic route with the narrator explaining it, but then threw out the idea as it began to complicate it at least the way I did it. I may possibly end up reworking that entire scene.


#16

Well, It’s a good idea when you figure out how exactly wording. Normal in a alpha so don’t worry


#17

Hmm… I have been trying to update the game, but when I go to the link and test nothing has changed. Has anyone noticed any chances? (I basically reworked majority of the Prologue and some of the stat page)


#18

Yeah, the game is updated


#19

Is there a Percentage stat for “Dad”, “Mom” and “Jeeves” and the Skills on the stat page should be gone.
EDIT: Ah nvm. It just now updated for me. Phew.
Anyways I mostly reworked the Prologue. Please let me know if the paragraphs are too large and any spelling/grammar mistakes being pointed out would be very much appreciated.
I will be gone for about 2 or so hours for class, be back briefly for an hour or so and then be gone again for a couple hours due to work. Happy testing!


#20

Quick question is it supposed to be for the

Relationships to be

Dad: Dad%
Mom: Mom%
Jeeves: Jeeves%