Amazing rewrite. Absolutely love it and can’t wait to see where it goes
Found a few bugs: @Demigod_knight found the errors I was going to post
But overall a really great start
3 Likes
I love the new rewrite. It’s great that we have a greater understanding MC’s relationship with Drew before they die.
Below are a few spelling errors that I came across.
1 Like
like the changes. Adds more to the feels.
2 Likes
I love what you have so far! This WiP reminds me a lot of how I feel about my friends sometimes, so it’s a bit of an emotional ride for me.
2 Likes
hello! for now, i don’t have any big opinions on the story but
2 Likes
I just fell in love with this update… The story was already very emotionnal to begin with, but the way the mc interacts with Drew, talking about death, and when their aunt come to tell them their friend is dead, it changes everything. Put a deeper feeling in the story. I don’t know how to explain it, but it feels more real, and I cried. A lot. Thanks for this story and congratulations.
6 Likes
Welcome back @Lycoris! It’s good to see you, your presence has been missed. I hope things are better now. Take your time and know we’re all here for you if you ever need it.
An another note, your idea sounds intriguing! I’m going to jump into the demo right away 
Edit: Well I’m crying
3 Likes
wow. That was intense, to say the least. I fucking love it, you really went up a notch with this update. I’m glad we got to know Drew a little, it was certainly enough to care. There’s gonna be hell to pay.
6 Likes
i kind of almost cried skdjdkd this wip is literally my favorite rn like the writing,emotions the charas the mc everything is so fucking good 
2 Likes
My only issue I had were some of the responses don’t really go with what was said. Some of them feel like they are just there to check a box.
For example Drew ask, what you do if I died?
One of the answers is Murder someone back. Playing the demo before I know Drew probably gets murdered so murdering someone back makes sense. But at this point in the story, you don’t know drew will be murdered. And the question doesn’t ask anything about murder. So to me the response doesn’t make sense.
3 Likes
It could be simply out of anger, you know, lashing out at whoever . Not necessarily at an specific somebody. It’s like saying “I’d kill for some ice cream” but actually meaning it.
5 Likes
Just as @wanamingo said, the MC’s perception of Drew is a bit… idealized. Given their circumstances (which will be revealed as the story goes on), the MC is extremely attached to Drew, either because they think of them as their only and true friend and/or vicarious realization. In any case, a strong level of affection is needed, as Drew’s death is what sets everything to motion (and it wouldn’t make sense to take revenge for someone you didn’t care about, right? 
)
Although, did Drew seem too… unrelatable? Not inspiring enough sympathy? Because if that’s the case, I have to work to make them more likable 
@Megus Thank you a lot! 
@Demigod_Knight, @loomy thanks, and thank you for the spelling errors! English isn’t my first language and I’m kind of a messy writer, so you’re of great help! I’ve corrected them, they should apper in the demo anymore 
I’m glad to hear that! Friendship is meant to take a very important role in this story, so it’s good you can relate with it. 
Thank you for reading it! I hope I can keep up and deliver all of you a great, emotional story
Hello!! It really has been a while, real life has been crazy and I’ve had some issues over time, but yes, things have been better. Thanks for worrying and enjoy the demo! 
You’re too kind! And don’t worry, you will have plenty of opportunitites to take revenge on those responsible
@khzma thank you!
Good catch! It was mean to be like @Baam mentioned, more like out of anger, but I see why it can be confusing/sound artificial. I have worded it better, so instead of straight up “I’ll murder someone,” it’s more of a “If it was murder, I wouldd hunt someone down,” to make it more of an hypothetical question. Thank you!
13 Likes
@Lycoris Oooh, I was a little late reading the update, but I’m definitely glad I did. 
Great job.
The MC’s over-idealization of Drew was perfect. Not only does it show the amount of affection and caring they have for the person they’re going to go a-killing to avenge, but it also provides a fascinating level of doubt, particularly when paired with Drew asking what the MC would do if they died. Is the MC a reliable narrator when they insist that Drew MUST have been murdered? Did Drew have depression? Maybe Drew actually did commit suicide, but the MC refuses to accept it, and is going to go after “murderers” that never actually killed anyone. Then again, if you bully someone to the point of suicide, is it really any less you killing them than if you pushed them off a ledge?
Explaining the MC’s backstory also really helped make the story believable. Most people don’t do something like this, even if their friend is murdered/commits suicide. But the MC isn’t most people. The MC’s nearly-entire family is dead, they were bullied so severely that they dropped out of high school…and likely have limited career prospects now and a slim to nil chance of ever going to college. Drew was perhaps the only reason they had to keep going, and now he is suddenly and shockingly gone too. Classic case of someone who’s VERY freaking likely to develop PTSD.
Most of the time when I play a COG I have many many different MCs, but weirdly, this time I think I have a singular vision of my MC in mind. Seeing Hazel develop from the innocent, sweet girl she is in the Prologue with Drew into the embittered, defiant, guilty-as-can-be murder suspect in the police interview is going to be fascinating.
Hopefully you don’t give up on this one halfway through. You make such great stories that I…never get to see play out fully. 
12 Likes
Hey, Buggy!! Thanks for stopping by and playing! You’re as sharp as ever, but I can’t quite give away everything, can I? I’ll only say you’re very insightful, and that maybe, maybe everything is not what it seems
But you’re spot on with the MC’s motivation; unlike other stories I started, the player character can’t be as blank-slate as others, there are some aspects that are unchangeable and closely entwined with the plot. It’s very interesting trying to work out the balance between player agency and set story
The thing is, the MC doesn’t start with straight up killing their ex-classmates; they do pretty awful things, but murder is still a long stretch. The initial plan is ruining their lives using non-lethal means. But as we know, revenge plans tend to get out of hand… which might mean death 
The first objectives are not meant to get killed, injured or maimed yes, but not killed. For example, the first objective will pretty much end in a catatonic state after the MC is done with them.
I plan to finish this one! My other projects aren’t scratched either, they are on hold and I’ll eventually return to them
11 Likes
Oh this is so good! By the end of chapter 1 I’m ready to break through the school door and take revenge on Drew’s name.
Grammar review:
‘I’ve been thinking’ would be correct.
5 Likes
Thank you @lynossa! You’re right, I have already corrected it 
Just dropping by to say I’m still working on the game! About two weeks ago college started again, so I’ve been a bit busy, but I’m working through chapter 1. It will use part of the old demo (some of you might remember some of the scenes) but I’m adding new things and I know the perfect point where the end it, and how chapter 2 will go.
You will have to wait 'til chapter three to get into the High School and get ti know most of the cast and victims 
Some spoilers about chapter 2 (I like a lot what will be going on there): you will met your first victim, and although murder isn’t an option, you will arrange some events that can lead her to get hospitalized for a time. Can you guess what it will be?
Have a good day!
17 Likes
huh, no straight up killing for a while huh? can we at least scar them for life or even potentially drive them to suicide for what they did? they deserve at least that much (from the mc’s perspective)
4 Likes
Yes; while there’s a clear intent to harm their ex-classmates, murder is still too big. At least initially; new discoveries about Drew’s death can cloud the MC’s judgement, and/or things can get out of control, who knows
Even if you want to play the most bloodthirsty character possible, I decided that killing from the get-go is not a good move: it would alert the authorities fairly soon of what’s going on. And well, having the police snooping around from the beginning ups the difficulty a great deal, and believe me, there’s a lot to do.
Yes, that’s the MC’s initial idea; make them suffer so much they will regret it the rest of their lives. Killing isn’t always the best revenge, but of course, there might be some exceptions.
By the way, don’t take this personally (it’s not a rant!); it’s just a thought I want to share with everyone
About potentially driving them to suicide: suicide is a delicate matter, I want to treat it carefully and with the dignity it deserves, and try to be as thoughtfully and sensitively as possible. I don’t want to use it as a light resource or as an “answer” to every one of the player’s problems, or give the message that those who we don’t like should just kill themselves. It might spoil part of your fun, but you won’t drive any of them to suicide 
9 Likes
yeah that’s perfectly responsible. suicide is no laughing matter and shouldn’t really be portrayed recklessly. heck, if we want it that badly, we could just have headcanons that they’ll do it in the future without having anything explicitly mentioned in the game. glad you have the insight not to go too deep on the matter and sorry for suggesting it if it was a little insensitive.
4 Likes
@snas oh, don’t worry about your proposal, I can see where you’re coming from! Don’t feel bad
Update:
I added two thirds of Chapter 1 (about 6,5k words of new content) and I only have left one big scene to finish the chapter! I can’t say for sure, but I think that it will take around 3000-5000 words, making Chapter 1 a bit longer than the prologue.
Some scenes were a bit complicated to code (not because they have overly difficult game-mechanics, but the conversation itself) so if you find something that doens’t make sense, please tell me so. Also, if your stats don’t match the kind of MC you’re playing, let me know so I can recalibrate them
Have a nice day!
24 Likes