Need feedback on a scene I’m stuck writing with.
•PC seduces priestess.
•Priestess warns that she isn’t actually human and sees a romantic relationship between them as impossible.
•PC tells they still love her nonetheless even if they are not who they seem to be.
•Priestess warns PC once more but tells PC that if they still decide on insisting, she’ll be waiting for them inside her tent.
•PC proceeds to not back off (possibly succumbing to the horny)
•Following scene ensues.
*page_break You step into the tent…
You step into the tent, allowing the darkness to shroud your figure as you journey into the unknown. One step, two steps, three steps, and so on, the uneven floor creaks as you move, creating a melody of uncertainty. In this place where danger might possibly pounce in any moment, your body persists without a care.
This persistence is carried even in the face of peculiarity. How long have you been walking? One minute? Maybe a few? You know with certainty this tent isn’t big enough for such a venture, and yet… Even in the face of such a disturbing revelation, again, your body continues to move forward despite it all.
Not because you desire, but because you’ve passed the point of no return.
You’ve strayed too far.
You’re no longer in control.
A mysterious force is compelling you…
Your body only stops when a voice echoes from within the shadows. “So, you’ve chosen to step inside—into my domain, rendering yourself to me,” the priestess says. A moment of nothingness passes between you two before, eventually, her voice echoes the room once more. “Thank you, (name), for everything—for always listening to me, for always lending a hand, and… and for loving me. I’m glad to have met you, and though I don’t want to, it’s time to end this masquerade.”
With those words spoken, the surrounding space turns exceedingly cold…
In this silent darkness, a blinding light abruptly shines. Beneath the spotlight, above a grassy mound where poppies grow, stands a grotesque pillar of stitched corpses. There, looming atop this eerie totem lies a weary clock, ticking loudly as the pendulum swings side to side. The priestess you know is no more, having transformed herself into this macabre form, becoming the embodiment of all mankind’s suffering—the Harbinger of Tragedies in her divinity.
*page_break Lady Misery greets you…
Some things I’m looking for:
Is this scene effective in conveying an eerie atmosphere and engaging to read? If possible, please give reasons on why you like or don’t like it, so I can know what I did right or wrong.
Any suggestions to improve it are also welcomed.
- The scene is effective & engaging
- The scene is not effective & engaging