Need feedback on a scene I'm stuck writing with

Game Development Writing and Content
1

Need feedback on a scene I’m stuck writing with.

Context:

•PC seduces priestess.
•Priestess warns that she isn’t actually human and sees a romantic relationship between them as impossible.
•PC tells they still love her nonetheless even if they are not who they seem to be.
•Priestess warns PC once more but tells PC that if they still decide on insisting, she’ll be waiting for them inside her tent.
•PC proceeds to not back off (possibly succumbing to the horny)
•Following scene ensues.

*page_break You step into the tent…

You step into the tent, allowing the darkness to shroud your figure as you journey into the unknown. One step, two steps, three steps, and so on, the uneven floor creaks as you move, creating a melody of uncertainty. In this place where danger might possibly pounce in any moment, your body persists without a care.

This persistence is carried even in the face of peculiarity. How long have you been walking? One minute? Maybe a few? You know with certainty this tent isn’t big enough for such a venture, and yet… Even in the face of such a disturbing revelation, again, your body continues to move forward despite it all.

Not because you desire, but because you’ve passed the point of no return.

You’ve strayed too far.

You’re no longer in control.

A mysterious force is compelling you…

Your body only stops when a voice echoes from within the shadows. “So, you’ve chosen to step inside—into my domain, rendering yourself to me,” the priestess says. A moment of nothingness passes between you two before, eventually, her voice echoes the room once more. “Thank you, (name), for everything—for always listening to me, for always lending a hand, and… and for loving me. I’m glad to have met you, and though I don’t want to, it’s time to end this masquerade.”

With those words spoken, the surrounding space turns exceedingly cold…

In this silent darkness, a blinding light abruptly shines. Beneath the spotlight, above a grassy mound where poppies grow, stands a grotesque pillar of stitched corpses. There, looming atop this eerie totem lies a weary clock, ticking loudly as the pendulum swings side to side. The priestess you know is no more, having transformed herself into this macabre form, becoming the embodiment of all mankind’s suffering—the Harbinger of Tragedies in her divinity.

*page_break Lady Misery greets you…

Some things I’m looking for:

  1. Is this scene effective in conveying an eerie atmosphere and engaging to read? If possible, please give reasons on why you like or don’t like it, so I can know what I did right or wrong.

  2. Any suggestions to improve it are also welcomed.

  • The scene is effective & engaging
  • The scene is not effective & engaging
0 voters
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Hi I’m Inconclusive, I don’t if you have already gotten the help you need but I’ll put in my two cents either way just in case.

So everything I write from this point on is just my personal opinion, I hope I don’t offend you in the process of making it.

Anyway to me the scene wasn’t eerie nor that much engaging but it did feel like it was reveal for a villain or powerful entity, which is pretty cool btw.

So I’ll start with the first on why it wasn’t eerie, the story was a bit too fast paced, the PC had no reaction to losing control over his body. Maybe he was enchanted or something but idk, he seems to be just there rather than react to his surroundings, especially if it’s something as Misery herself (Love the name btw, if you have a demo can you send me a link)

The second reason is engaging, like above the PC doesn’t react, feel or do anything, maybe this is how the second pov is written, idk :person_shrugging:

Okay so here’s how I usually write my stories…or story since I’m only working on one, I love your idea of misery, making her the harbinger of Mankinds tragedy. It’s great she’s perfect…but how does she and the PC relate to each other.

Unlike the priestess with which the PC had build a connection with, Misery seems different, terrifying, etc (I don’t want to least all the reasons why Misery sucks.) My suggestion would be to link her to the PC trauma, honestly go as dark as you can. I would also suggest not giving players a much of choice but to yk hate her, to me my characters aren’t just characters, they are people who feel, love, hate and have lost.

You could give them a choice to pick what type of trauma it was but other than that, give them nothing.

You must be wondering why I would suggest that, well my good sir, you see this creates more of a bond between the two. Here I’ll give an example of what I mean.

Misery aka priestess: After eon’s of spreading suffering and pain, she has grown tired and by now I’m guessing she’s either a hated figure or a loved one. Which would add more to her feelings, she decides to become a humble nun (Priestess is to long so I’ll use nun from now on) The she meets the PC, most likely passioned, shy or whatever personality he has when being played. She grews fond of him and eventually this fondness grows to love, but she’s scared because no one can love Misery.

PC: is probably an adventurer or your local village boy, he experiences some deep trauma that he has been ignoring for years (for this example let’s say PC character witnessed the brutal murder of family) he probably gets a suggestion to talk to the nun, she can help ease the burden a little. When he talks to her, he feels like she understands his pain more than anyone else he’s met. He falls for her quickly, she warns him about getting too close but he ignores the warning because he is willing to take the risk, to love someone who could love him even when he is broken. Then he finds out she is misery and his world falls apart, (for this example everyone hates her), he isn’t angry or sad, he just hates how much he loves her.

The above example will give tension to the revealing scene, since we know everyone hates misery and the world believes she is the cause of tragedies then we know how he’ll react. He’ll snap at her, angry, even doubting if she cared about him.

The nun on the other hand expects this reaction and she just watches, no explanation, just a you get what you get moment, from then on players could keep chasing her or choose not to, but I think a lot folks would be interested in seeing what would happen in that situation. To summarize make the PC react to things happen around him.

Edit: I should have just said make the PC react to the scene

But seriously if you have a demo send me a link, watching from this scene it looks pretty good. Happy writing

Note: This is just my opinion, don’t mean any offense if I overstepped

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In my opinion the scene is well written, the point is that you are telling us how to feel and not showing it.

It’s that thing: Show, don’t tell.

Example of show don’t tell for this scene: You can’t stop, something is forcing your limbs, pushing, wrapping around your body. Every step, every breath, every movement of his body… as if invisible strings were tied to each limb. Your heart beats faster and faster as you try to stop, try to control it, but you can’t, not even your eyes obey. There was heat in your head, as if someone was pressing hands on it, keeping your eyes open, keeping your breathing controlled even though your heart wouldn’t stop racing.

Then you hear. “So you have chosen to enter my domain.” Your ears burn, and your legs stop abruptly, and your entire body stops moving as the soft voice continues. “Giving yourself to me…” a laugh sounded, low, calm, but with a clear tone of mockery.

don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to offend, I’m just giving an example and tip, and you can use the example in the scene if you prefer and like it. That’s it, but your writing is good regardless.

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Thanks for the feedback guys! And no, you don’t have to worry, neither of you offended me, and even if you did the moment I made this post is the moment I willingly subject my self to the possibility of offense, so even if you did offended me, that’s fully on me and definitely not on you guys.

In regards to the pacing, after reading it over again, I can get what you mean Inconclusive, I decided to add more audio cues to spice up the scenes, and restructure some words here-there.

I also switched my writing style, decided to withold the folk-lore + rpg writing aesthetic in favor of a shcizo + biblical storytelling presentation.

What do you guys think? Also for additional context and to confirm your suspicion Inconclusive? yeah, this is a character introduction scene, more of a character introduction, to be honest.

*choice I enter the tent.

You have made your choice, and so you step inside, letting your figure be engulfed by the darkness beyond.

Cold. It is oddly cold here as you venture across this unknown. And yet, it doesn’t bother your body from going forward a single bit.

One step, two steps, three steps, and so on, the uneven floor creaks as your body moves, creating a melody of uncertainty—a melody not meant to last…The deeper you go, a sound becomes clearer, becoming more dominant, dampening your steps and breathing.

Tick—Tock—Tick—Tock—Tick—Tock…

Is that the ticking of a clock you hear? You can’t see, so you can’t really comfirm.

More questions arise… How long have you been walking? One minute? Two? Maybe a few? You know with certainty this tent isn’t big enough for such a journey.

How odd, undoubtedly so… In light of such a disturbing revelation your body doesn’t mind one bit, moving forward despite it all.

Your body moves not because you want, but simply because you’ve past the point of no return.

It is something you long realize the moment step foot inside.

You’ve delved too far.

You’re no longer in control.

You’re a prisoner in your own body.

A mysterious force is compelling you forward…

Your body only stops when a presence acknowledges you from within the shadows. “So, you’ve chosen to enter my domain, rendering yourself to me,” the priestess says—soft-spoken as always.

The ticking stops, a moment of nothingness passes between you two.

You stand unmoving. Nothing to do, and nothing you can do.

You are simply there… You are simply standing.

“Thank you, (name), for everything—for always listening to me, for always lending a hand, and… and for loving me."

A fleeting moment passes more.

Then, it comes in a sudden series of burst, a plethora of terrible sounds that pierces your ears.

The tearing of flesh…

The cracking of bones…

The ticking of the clock resumes, and more loudly than ever…

In this moment, you can again do nothing but endure.

The priestess speaks, almost whimpering. "I’m glad to have met you, and though I don’t want to, it’s time to end this masquerade.”

Without further ado, the darkness vanquishes as a pillar of light abruptly shines and blinds your sight.

Blinding you for the briefest of moments…

When your sight did return, there, you see it within this domain of shadows.

Underneath this pillar of light, above a grassy mound where poppies grow, stands a grotesque pillar of a thousand stitched corpses, and looming atop this eerie totem lies the source of the ticking, a weary black clock, its pendulum swaying side to side. The priestess you know—the person who you love is no more, having transformed herself into this macabre form, becoming the embodiment of all mankind’s suffering—the Harbinger of Tragedies in her divinity.

*page_break Lady Misery greets you…

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The done rights would definitely be the idea and the imagery. I don’t think I saw anything even vaguely similar any more than a couple of times, which is very good. The imagery is also interesting, the symbiosis of animate and inanimate (clock and corpses) to create the entity is very strong.

If there’s anything I’d improve, it’d be the phrasing choices. Colloquialisms tend to lower the “eerie” factor of a narrative. It’s just a personal opinion though, I may very well be wrong (I quite often am).

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I don’t mind the scene and enjoyed reading it. There’s a few parts that are clunky or (IMO) inadvisably phrased, like “without further ado” in way the wrong context, but I like the imagery.

That said, it falls into a really common trap that amateur writers often fall for: you describe your intention for the scene rather than the character’s real experience.

That’s just stating your intention. That’s what the author wants and feels, not the character. Would the MC actually be thinking and experiencing these thoughts?

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Hey Penguin, that’s great and what I was trying to say is similar L.D. Nunez Show don’t tell.

Let’s take the short story you posted for example:

You have made your choice, and so you step inside, being guided more by your heart than mind.

The nun is an awfully secretive woman, she’s as mysterious as her beautiful eyes. You haven’t noticed the cold, you haven’t noticed the nun.

One step, two steps, three steps, and so on, the uneven floor creaks as your body moves, venturing across unknown at what’s waiting for it. And yet, it doesn’t bother your body from going forward a single bit.

It creates a growing melody of uncertainty in you—a melody not meant to last…The deeper you go, a sound becomes clearer, becoming more dominant, dampening your steps and breathing.

Tick—Tock—Tick—Tock—Tick—Tock…

Is that the ticking of a clock you hear? You can’t see, so you can’t really comfirm.

More questions arise… How long have you been walking? One minute? Two? Maybe a few? You know with certainty this tent isn’t big enough for such a journey

Note: I just changed a few things, making the character interact with the scene and his emotions, although they aren’t put out there that much. They do give a certain umpf to the scene. Hope this helps (AND AGAIN DO YOU HAVE A DEMO)

Edit: nvm found it

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Thanks for your feedback Will!

Though I have to ask, and I mean no disrespect, but I don’t understand. What part in that excerpt made you say that? The only thing I can find that you might possibly think that’s the case is from the line “the person who you love is no more.” Because when I read it again, yeah, I can see the double meaning in it and admit my mistake for lack of clarity. That line is to be treated as something quite literal; it’s not that the PC stops loving her now cause she shows her true form or that the PC considers the being & priestess as separate individuals. It’s literally that the being right in front of the PC is literally no longer a person.

So essentially I had intent to convey this:

"the person who you love is no more, having transformed herself into this macabre form, "

=

“Hey you know that girl you have the hots for and been trying to date for the last 10 years? Yeah, she’s a flesh pillar now.”

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Thanks for the example. Inconclusive!

Wait, how? I don’t have a demo yet.

Edit: I just checked my notification. The thing you liked is actually not the demo, that’s an entirely different IF. :sweat_smile: Feel free to give feedback though, that IF is a monster to polish and playtest—the CIA probably force inmates to check for bugs and writing mistakes of it as a form of torture. Any help would be nice.

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Tell me when you make a demo tho, I’m interested

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But does that really mean she’s not the person you love? “Romancing the Flesh Pillar” would fit right in with the other RO subplots in Will’s first CS game. :slight_smile:

I think a couple of things would help establish an eerie atmosphere: first, the choice to feel something when you realize you’re out of control of your body. Second, not having Lady Misery offer comfort. She gives you a safety net with her first para of dialogue; you know that she feels affection for you and doesn’t want to harm you.

I don’t feel any fear or particular apprehension reading the passage as it stands, because I’m not given space to when things start getting creepy, and because before Misery becomes a hideous eldritch horror, she makes it clear that she’s a kind person and that you’re in safe hands, however weird things are about to get.

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Again, and I’m sorry for lack of clarity from my writing, it’s not that the PC stops loving her now that she’s a flesh pillar. They can definitely still have feelings & attachment to the flesh pillar.

However, what stands before the PC can’t be regarded as a person—yes, her consciousness is there, but she is functionally inanimate, having shed their human body into a concept or the embodiment of said concept.

It’s not the loss of someone you love.

It’s the loss of humanity, or the appearance of humanity, of the person you love. That line is an acknowledgment of a transformation—a caterpillar that becomes a butterfly is no longer a caterpillar.

Thanks for the feedback!

:ok_hand: Got it, back to the writing board for me, I’ll keep what you said close to my head.

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Sure – I understand what you were going for. But I’m pretty sure the gap between what you’ve just written and “The person you love is no more” is the answer to:

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