Can you guys review my story? I really need feedback

Hello guys, I’m writing a story where you play as the god of time. And I just recently finished the prologue, can you review it for me, because I really need feedback on my writing. I want to improve and feedbacks are a critical part of that. I’ll post the story right here, its about 1000+ words long. Note: if I’m violating some rules, then you have to excuse me I really don’t know what’s the rules are on this forum, even though I’ve lurked here for about a year now, without creating an account.


The smell of blood permeates the air with a metallic scent, entering inside your nostrils and sending shivers down your spine. For the first time in centuries, someone has finally injured you. Yet instead of feeling terrified, excitement courses through your veins. A few centuries ago, you would have panicked and desperately rushed your opponent – a rookie mistake, one that would have cost you your life. Now you stand here, looking at your injured arm as crimson blood slowly leaks out from the wound. You would smile menacingly if you could, but the immense pain prevents you from doing so. It was a swift slash, one that you’ve barely spotted. You were busy attacking so much so that you didn’t set up a proper defense. Next thing you know, the blade of your enemy has penetrated through your flesh.

“Don’t tell me the great god of time is terrified of a mere wound,” a voice says, breaking you from your reverie. You look at the source of the noise, and sure enough, a man in his mid-thirties stands a few meters away from you. He wears gleaming armor, now covered in blood. On his right hand, you could see the trenchant spear that was used to injure you – the tip of the weapon radiating with brilliant energy. On his left, a shield. He has jet black hair, the length stopping just behind his ear, and is heavily built. You could swear he’s smiling, based on the glinting of his teeth.

“This,” you point at your injured arm. “Is nothing.”

He doesn’t reply, only smiles.

Nothing but the sounds of crackling fire envelopes the battlefield. The wind caressing your skin, leaving a tingling sensation behind. You stare at your opponent with ferocity; he stares back. Time seems to have halt, even if you haven’t commanded it. Then after a few seconds of glaring at each other, predicting each other moves. The tension cracks.

He darts towards you, with never seen before celerity. With great force, he thrust the spear towards your body. The sharp point of the weapon shimmering at the sight of light. You avoid it, and send a punch right to his head. Obliterating the ground and sending specks of dust flying into the tumultuous atmosphere. He dodges. Before continuously slashing the spear at you.

Three hours tick by without a clear winner, and you’re running out of stamina. If this battle rages on for another hour, you’re going to be in a tight position. You need to end this. Fast. You can’t afford to hold back. If what he’s telling is the truth, then you don’t have much time left. It’s better to die at the hands of your own power, than to meet your demise to some unknown weakling like him. Frowning, you back off from your adversary. And release a burst of pure light, capable of blinding even the most cautious opponents. He covers his yes, as you continue to gather the divine energy trap within you. Once it’s all over, he part his eyelids. Astonishment evident on his countenance at the godly being that stands before him. You stand before the mesmerized person, with the clear intent to snuck out his life. Longsword being held firmly by your right hand. You are upon him in an instant. Breaking down his defenses slowly, but surely, cutting him down like the piece of trash he is. He doesn’t budge, for the first few attacks. But gradually he gets overwhelmed and he starts to make mistakes. He tries to counterattack, but before the hit can land you freeze the time around you.

By the end of your endless assault. He’s kneeling on the ground and is on the brink of dying. You have reduced him to nothing more than a mere shell of his former self. You advance towards him, with the intention of ending his existence. But that’s all he need, as he lunge at you with renowned vigor. You elude him with ease, as though you were playing tag with a kid. Before sending consecutive punches, that shatters his ribs, filling the battlefield with cracking noise and propelling his pummeled body airborne. This is not a fight. It’s a massacre. And you know that. Several hours ago, you would still have a problem dealing with him. But not now. Now that you’ve ascended godhood, no one in this dimension can match your fighting prowess. Try as he may, there’s absolutely zero percent chance, he can’t beat you. Even if he fights you for a million years, his chances of winning is none to impossible. Yes, that’s how powerful this form is. But this form also has its fair share of imperfections. You can’t use it for a long time, or there would be extreme consequences. Like… Extreme consequences… You tremble at the idea of having to face that ramification.

Over with your trance. You approach the bloodied man, one last time. Tired of the idea of having to continue this aggressive beating. He tries to stand up, but his legs aren’t feeling amenable right now. Causing him to plummet to the harsh and rocky surface of the ground. You expect him to beseech for mercy, anything really, but as you cover the distance between you and him, he doesn’t even quaver at the sight of your blade pointed at his neck. You frown, before swiping your weapon to his head.


Metals clash, sparks emanating as the tip of the spear collides with the blade of the sword. You groan, weary of the notion of having to continue this slugfest. You were certain, he was finished. He did not even blink, how can he have this much strength left, left within him. That enigma will forever remain unsolved, as you kick him in the face launching him into the air. Fine, if he wants to perish in the most painful way imaginable, you’ll gratefully give it to him. Just make sure you don’t regret it.

Dashing at unparalleled speed, you make your way towards him. Caught off guard, he desperately tries to avoid your oncoming onslaught. But it’s futile; you can already see visions of the inevitable outcome. Glimpses of the future, that have been written since the dawn of time. Approximately five meters into your attack, he will use his shield to repel your assault. Then after that, he will attempt to counterattack. That’s when you strike, pulling out your dagger and going for the killing blow. Slicing his heart in half and decimating his entire being, until nothing but a heartless corpse remains.

Later that day:

You sit on top of the corpse of your enemy, expression grim and facial features being accentuated by the blue flames surrounding you. Corpses of your fallen allies and enemies are as far as your eyes could see. Their wounds are still pristine, pervading the air with a malodorous smell. Contemplating, you inhale some air, which turns out to be a bad idea because of the foul smell emanating from the pile of cadavers dispersed throughout the battlefield. But you persevere, and your olfactory senses must have gotten used to it, since you didn’t complain every minute. The golden sun is already descending when you decide to get out of there, aurifying the limpid sky with splendid gold and vibrant purple, making it an ethereal beauty. You’re heading west, where the kingdom of Sanatora lies. You have unfinished business with the king there, and you plan on making him pay for his mistake of allying himself with the neighboring kingdom. But first, you need to get out of this bloodied armor. You’re going to terrify traveling merchants and peasants if you’re wearing this abominable sight. So, you don your robe with the intention of concealing your face. If any one of those guards catches sight of your visage, you’re going to be in big trouble. Not because you can’t beat them, hell no. You can probably burn their kingdom to the ground in mere seconds. But because you don’t want the king to know you’re there. The moment he becomes aware of your presence, he’ll probably depart as soon as possible, and we don’t want that, do we?

Yes, we don’t.



Its pretty interesting ! Cant wait to read more. :blush:

1 Like

Thanks :slight_smile:

1 Like

You’re welcome. Happy coding /writing :blush:

1 Like

not bad at all

1 Like

Thank you. I’m still planning on improving, so your support is greatly appreciated :slight_smile:

What criticisms I might have depend on what exactly you’re going for with this story; for example, I’m assuming the “you” there is the player character/MC. The MC here seems to have some established traits, and that’s fine - I’ll keep that in mind for my suggestions. Here are some thoughts so far.

Perhaps our first choice

“This,” you point at your injured arm. “Is nothing.”

Here would be a good opportunity for the player’s first choice. You could let them choose the above line, something more humorous, or to say nothing at all, just as examples. It wouldn’t affect the plot or anything, so players could choose their brand of badass.

Suggestions about the narrator's voice

I don’t know whether you’re going for a narrator with a strong personal voice, but I’ll assume that there is a degree of separation between the narrator and MC.

You can’t use it for a long time, or there would be extreme consequences. Like… Extreme consequences…

I feel this would read more elegantly like so: “You can’t use it for a long time, or there would be consequences - extreme consequences.”

[…]and we don’t want that, do we?
Yes, we don’t.

Okay, “Yes, we don’t” is technically correct here since it’s agreeing with the previous statement, but it’s wigging me out so hard. “No, we don’t” is more idiomatic.

you could see the trenchant spear that was used to injure you [emphasis mine]

Alright, not a criticism, but I legitimately applaud you for using a word I had to look up.

High-level stuff

Starting in medias res with a fight is fine, but I had a bit of trouble working out the power difference here. It seems like MC is of comparable strength to other humans most of the time and has to deliberately access their powers. Again, that’s fine - I just felt like I wasn’t sure most of the time whether the opponent also has supernatural power.

The last bit goes over MC’s motivations. This may well be set in stone, but I’d suggest you at least give the player some say in their precise reasons why and/or how they feel about them. Are they vindictive? Are they doing it out of a sense of duty? Does it just sound like fun? Let the player take some ownership over MC.

And about those motivations, they seem a bit petty? I mean, for a god. I suppose that depends on how exactly the whole thing works, which I assume you’ll elaborate upon as you write. For example, if MC is more of a relatively normal person who can just mantle the role of the God of Time when they want to, I can understand it a bit more. But if MC is a bona fide god, why would they care about politics? I know this is just a prologue, and it seems you know better than to exposition-dump at the very beginning, but that question was what I walked away with - not in a beard-stroking “hrm, how curious” way, either.

I feel like I wrote more than I intended, but it’s not because your writing is just so full of holes or anything, it’s just easy for me to write a lot about a shorter passage like this than a whole, finished story. I look forward to seeing your work in the WiP forum when you’re ready.


Thank you for your review :slight_smile: I will try to fix what you pointed out. And actually, I decided to change some things. The MC will not be a god anymore, especially ‘God of time’ cause they will be too overpowered for my story to work out, instead they are a great warrior with the powers of the god of time, but with weaknesses and limitations to their powers. I also decided to change some of the plot (which I will not reveal here) and improve the prologue, so the readers will know the slight motivations of the MC. Thank you very much for your criticism :smile: and I hope you have a good day, thanks for sparing some time to tell me what can i improve on my story.

1 Like