Yo yo yo. Figured I may as well do my duty as a member of this forum and check out a WIP, colour me surprised to find myself intrigued more than the norm. SO I thought I mayswel write up a reply and point and any discrepancies/typos I saw and explain what and why this thing interests me.
Truthfully, I’m really interested in this for two reasons: the first of which being that I actually make several stories myself and most of them sorta have a similar nature; the second reasoning I have for being interested is simple: I think so far that this is pretty darn cool and has potential to be right up (one of) my ally.
Also, I apologize, cause this is probably going to be a long post.
I’ll being with the stuff that interests me. I find the whole concept of the Eternals beings essentially being akin to Gods pretty dope. The fact that they’re is more than one “Lord” is awesome. I’m hella interested in seeing the other Lords. I like the idea that the Eternals seem to be ruled by their oldest sibling.
I like the whole beginning passage and how what it says you are changes once the memory sequence initiates. I can’t really think of anything else right now soo I’m going to move onto typos for now.
I noticed that a few others pointed out some typos they saw and I’m probably going to cover some of the same ones but I’m also going to explain what I think/see is wrong with each one; I’d also like to a few sentences, words, whatever, I feel could be worded differently/I would word differently.
Taking in your surroundings you can conclude that you were lost in your thoughts for longer than you would have thought. This occurs on the same page that “The Winding Path” begins; and while there is nothing overtly wrong with it, I do find the passage to be a little redundant. Saying, “you were in your thoughts longer than you thought” just comes across a little…clunky to me.
Up until recently, the starlit isles was where you called home, and unfortunately it is not by your choice that you have to leave them. Aside from one little thing, again, there’s nothing really wrong here aside from personal preference I guess. The actual problem here is that starlit isles should Starlit Isles. -
- On wards to the personal; I would probably replace was with were, or say that “Up until recently, the Starlit Isles was/were the place you called home.” I’d probably replace it is with it was, and have with had; In this case I’d probably remove them as well.
The waters around the starlit isles were filled with beings of his design, many of which were successes, and perhaps some less so. Again, during “The Winding Path”, starlit isles should again be Starlit Isles.
You are a creation of the Starlit Lord, a being that was raised up by the energies that the Lord commanded rather than one merely altered to suit his needs. I don’t think anything about this is really wrong but I’d put a period after “Starlit Lord” rather than a comma.
Your Lord made many like you, using his expansive knowledge and the powers available to him by his nature he created a number of being that threatened his peers. Not positive if something is wrong here but I’d personally but a comma after “nature”.
There were many times where you were kept awake all night while he continued his work improving your gifts, some of the actions he took caused you pain, but they always yielded results. I don’t think there’s anything really wrong with this passage but after “There were many times where you were kept awake all night while he continued his work improving your gifts” I’d place a period instead of a comma, keep it from becoming to run on sentency.
Using what he had learned from observing your siblings, he was able to make you stronger and more resiient than you ever were before. (I obviously played a strength/durability kid.) The problem here is that resiient should be resilient.
Your Lord conducted his business and was rarely involved in your personal affairs, leaving you almost to your own devices. I think it should be mostly instead of almost; almost makes it seem like you aren’t actually left to your own devices and then in like the very next paragraph it states you have a fair amount of free time, little contradictory to me.
Yours was a rather bland affair, dull eyes, dull hair, and pale skin made up its countenance. Pretty sure you aren’t talking talking about multiple people, so “Yours” should probably be “Your’s”. Granted yours isn’t actually incorrect but most people that speak English put the apostrophe; nothing like conformity.
A turbulent day ventually came to break up the monotony of your life however, as one of your Lord’s rivals came to challenge his power. Never heard of ventually in my life, did you mean Eventually?
The only thing of comparable size you had even caught a glimpse of were the great sea creatures that served your Lord, whereas this being was entirely different. I don’t really see a problem here so much as it reads strangely to me. I feel like it should be “ever caught a glimpse of” rather than “even” but I’m not sure. -
- I also feel like “whereas” should be “but”.
Covered in leathery scales, the creatures frame might be called catlike if it were not for the great pair of wings on its back. As far as I can tell this part refers to one creature not several and as such should be “creature’s”.
“You have gone against our Father’s will, and while he might have ignored your offence I am now the eldest, and will not tolerate this!” I’d switch the comma from the end of “eldest” to the end of “offence”.
The furious Lord’s hand lashed out and pointed acusingly almost directly at you. Should be “accusingly” not “acusingly”.
“I have not done anything the eldest forbade, simply made being to serve my will.” This part should be “simply made beings to serve my will” or “simply made a being to serve my will.”; you could also probably put an “I” before the “simply”.
You Lord paused for a moment as he looked up the the great winged beast that sat upon his shores,- I’m too lazy to remember whether or not “You” Your or You’re, but it’s supposed to be one of the two.
“Those mockeries of us are not what he ever wanted and you know that, only he who was first had the right to create Eternals, and you know that these beings are nearly thus.” I like the way this reads, I’m just not sure if it’s wrong.
- I’d probably have put “These mockeries of us aren’t what he wanted/wished” or "These mockeries of us were never what he wanted/wished for; I’m not say you should but I’d also probably say something about “Pathetic imitations or fallacies” but that’s just my personal touch.
“They are more than the mortal beings that we normally comand, yes. However, neither are they Eternal, they shall whither and die just as any other being in time.” Should be command instead of comand.
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Whither is actually incorrect, I believe the word you are looking for is Wither
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I’ll try to refrain pointing out any problems I have with the way the Lord’s walk unless they seem like typos.
As your Lord spoke the waters darkened as a great many formed neared the surface, and despite the murkiness us the sea, you could see the eyes of the many creatures just below the surface. A great many what? Creatures? Monsters? Guardians?
- I’m pretty sure you mean murkiness Of.
In moments there were a dozen of the murderous limbs surrounding the Sunfire Lord’s pet, with even it finding it hard to be menacing while threated by seemingly countless arms ending in impossibly sharp blades. The way this reads to me aside, I’m pretty positive it’s supposed to be ‘Threatened’.
“Now my brother, I offer you one chance to reign in your anger and return to your domain before I do go against the First’s will.” ‘Rein’ is the correct word in this instance.
Your Lord threatened with calm detachment that sent chill down your spine. Though I guess this ain’t wrong, I think it should be “with a calm detachment”.
The Sunfire lord shook with impudent rage as he looked at your Lord, for a moment it had looked as though the fiery Eternal would go against what better judgement would dictate and attack your Lord. I’d personally place a period after that first Lord rather than a comma.
The firery Eternal stepped up upon its scaled head, once he was safely seated upon his beast, your Uncle called out one last time to your Lord. “Fiery” is the word here.
- I think that the “up” before the “upon” is unnecessary and can be done without. The second “Upon” can be replaced with an on or onto.
Your Lord stood there as impassive as ever while the beast’s form gradually dissapeared over the horizon, and once it was well and truly gone, he ordered you and all of his children to return to what you had been doing before, as though the Sunfire Lord’s visit had never happened. Should be “Disappeared” or “vanished” or some other such word here.
Those days ventually becoming weeks, weeks to months, and months to years. Again, “eventually”. I myself hate when I have trouble with one specific word. I also think that the whole weeks into months/years passage could do with a bit more detail.
Such was the fate of a being whose purpose had been served, you had reached maturity just as its bones became brittle and hair turned white. I feel as though there should be another its/it’s before “hair turned white”.
Some grieved for them, some were thankful to be freed from their watchful gaze at last, but in the end all of the Caretakers whithered away and died. “Whithered” again. I feel like the change in description to the MC’s siblings felt about their Caretakers was bit of a sudden and a little off-putting one.
Through the testing and augmentations he conducted on your siblings, over time you felt as though you began to understand your lord. “Lord” not lord; I also think it should be "Over time you begin to feel as though you understand your Lord.
- Aside from the lord thing, I don’t think the passage is really wrong or anything, just that I’d probably write it a little differently so as better connect to the following sentences about the MC’s siblings feelings.
You had just been You could only assume that it was simply your Lord attempting to keep his children on their toes. I’m not sure what’s happening here, it seems to me like you started to put a sentence here then decided against it, but you left part of it behind by mistake.
- Honestly this part is a little confusing to me as I feel like an idea is supposed to be conveyed here but instead it comes across as kinda jumbled.
finishing up one of your augmentation sessions with your Lord. Is this the other part to what the MC had “Just Been” doing the half-sentence before? If so, you might want to re-connect them; if not, "Finishing should have that capital F.
You were just about to return to your home to get some sleep in when it all began. The "In’ portion of this passage feels a little forced; you can just say “to get some sleep” and still convey the same imagery.
Your distraction caused you to be taken completely by surprise when the crackle turned into a mighty thunderclap, and was accompanied by a nearly blindling light. “Blinding” not “Blindling”.
Even now, you could hear the sound of many of the armored guardians running towards you ready to fulfill their purpose of fighting and dying for the Starlit Lord. There should be comma or period just before “ready”.
In just a moment, a small army of these creatures had appeared all across the island, carved stone heads peering over the low stone rooves of many of the buildings. I find these to be clunky in this instance; I suggest “the” or a small reconfiguration of that part of the sentence.
You had a decision before you, the humanoid guardians on the island were clearly no longer had the advantage of numbers, and the sea guardians would need time to arrive. I don’t think I have to explain this one.
You however had no cumpulsion instilled in you to die pointlessly. Compulsion is the applicable word here.
Looking to the guardians you called out, “Quickly, give me a weapon so that I may aid you!” Though not exactly wrong as far as I’m concerned, the sudden switch to past tense is a little jarring.
He reached behind his back, he pulls out a weapon and offered it to you. Giving a quick nod of gratitude, you grasped the Little too much mixin’ it up here; If the guard “reached” behind his back then he should have “pulled” out a weapon; if he “pull"s the weapon from behind his back then it should be " he reaches” and “offers”.
Fortunately, it was apparent the monster before you was not the swiftest of opponets, as it is just no begining to lumber toward you. “Opponents”, “Beginning” and “Now” here. I think it should read either “It is just beginning” or “as it just then began to lumber”.
You were facing away from it at the time, which spared your eyes the full brunt of the flash, but you could hear very little beyond ringing in your ears. I’m not sure if this is supposed to be past or present tense but I’m pretty sure it should be “a ringing”.
Turning around your find a large portion of the night sky blocked out by a terrifying sight. Positive this should be “You”.
Covered in still living trees, and soil falling from its form with every movement, it was easily the second largest creature you had ever seen in your life. I feel like this should be it’s but I’m too lazy to remember.
Within moments the giant’s arm was grasped by hundreds of deadly arms, and while their bladed ends had little effect on the body of the construct the greatest of the Starlit Lord’s Guardians would show its worth that day. It would be nice if the was a comma before “the greatest” otherwise it’s a lot run on.
You could only watch in awe as a thunderous splash sounded from beyond your vision, and a great wave rose up over the palace itself and soon crashed down. I feel like this should be “listen in awe” as it’s happening kinda beyond your eyesight.
Within seconds your world was changed from the dry stone street, to a torrent of water sweeping you off of your feet. I don’t think this comma is actually needed, it provides unneeded clutter.
It was only thanks to your great fortitude that you were able to remain concious through this rough treatment of your body Conscious; GAWD I hate that word, gets me every time.
You blearily remember seesing many limps forms being carried alongside you by the implacable water. I think you mean “Seeing”
- With this am finally done with the typos I saw and can move onto discrepancies I have/saw.
While I understand why he’s the Starlit Lord (Only because of the choice to look at the stars), I feel like the SLL should have a title more attributed to water or something.
It’s kinda strange for the SLL to be able to gather information on the Will and Compulsion powers from observing your siblings, according to power intros, you are the only of his creations to even have the power/s.
Are the invading creatures made of rock or crystal? I feel as though initially the creatures are explained as having rock forms with crystal features and then not too long after they’re described as having crystalline bodies. (also Crystaline bodies should be Crystalline.)
I’m sure there are more discrepancies I saw but I’m too lazy and tired from writing all this at the moment and so will try to remember them at another date. As such, I am done with my review and would simply like to say:
- Thank you for producing this, I will hold an interest and I’m sorry if I came across as rude, twasn’t my intention.
