Myths of Eternity: Fantasy Adventure inspired by mythic tales. [WIP]


#1

I’ve been working on a setting for quite some time that I call the Eternityverse.
A great deal of what I’ve made for the setting is set much later along the world’s timeline, but I enjoyed the ideas I had for the ancient past of it to work on a project centered on that time period.

That is what spawned Myths of Eternity, where you play as one of the Children of the Starlit Lord. You live your life, not as a Mortal, but neither are you Eternal. Many would see you destroyed as an abomination, others would use you for their own purposes. No matter what however, what you do will truly be legendary.

The WIP as of this post is currently at around 8k words, with it nearing the end of the introductory sequence of the story.

https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/399961239/Myths%20of%20Eternity/dfabulich-choicescript-6e22df7/web/mygame/index.html

Any manner of feedback is welcome, and please point out if there are any errors or typos that I’ve missed. In addition, if anyone is curious to learn more about the setting feel free to ask questions. If it’s something I already have fleshed out, I’ll be willing to share and if I’ve never thought of it I’ll be happy to come up with more for the setting.


#2

Loved what you’ve got so far, you have a fairly epic writing style that suits the story well. I did find some typos, so I pasted the sentences below.

Only for nearly just as many losing their nerve at the sight of frozen bodies bearing vicious wounds strwen about outside.

As the moonlight reflects upon it and they peer deeply into it, their eyes are feld in place.

After what feels like an age, the clouded depths of the sphere shift, and the figure can feel fheir mind being drawn into the distant past.

You vision only snaps back into focus as one of the wagon’s wheels catches a hole in the crude road.

The rolling hills and grasy slopes are unfamiliar to you, the wild flowers swaying in the wind are quite the sight to behold. If someone had told you just recently that the mainland could have seemed to vast and expansive, you likely would not have believed them. The memories of the sea and saltspray are still very fresh in your mind, even if you cannot sea the seemingly endless water at the moment.

The waters around the starlit isles were filled with being of his design, many of which were successes, and perhaps some less so.

While you are by no means able to call youself one of the Eternals, you are parhaps more than the base stock of creatures that inhabit the land.

While those he gave further gifts could truly be seen as gods among the lesser beings they also became increasingly excentric, and the Lesser beings around them became more and more unnerved by their pressence.

A great deal of your time was spent at your lord’s side, leavingyou little opportunity to learn the ways of lesser beings, or even your siblings.

Each an every one of the Starlit Lord’s children possessed such a being who looked after them, and helped to nurture them.

Your Lord was aptly named, for every night the stars in the sky shined biliiantly on your island home. Your picked out many constellations in the sky every night, and felt
great comfort as you saw the brightest star which your Lord was named
for hold its place in the night sky while all others shifted around it.

You an all of your siblings had been summoned to the island’s shore rather suddenly, and upon arriving you saw for the first time the being that might be called your Uncle.

As your Lord spoke the waters darked as a great many formed neared the surface, and despite the murkiness us the sea, you could see the eyes of the many creatures just below the surface.

Perhaps this great beast could have prevailed against the many smaller creatures that served your Lord, but even it was dwarfed by the mostpotent of your Lord’s guardians.

The Sunfire lord shook with impudent rage as he looked at your Lord, for a moment it had looked as though the firey Eternal would go against what better judgement would dictate and attackyour Lord.

You had just been You could only assume that it was simply your Lord attempting to keep his children on their toes. finishing up one of your augmentation sessions with your Lord. Strengely enough, he hurried off just after your session was done. He tended to at least test to see howthe augmentation had taken before heading off. you could only assume that he had some pressing business to attend to.


#3

“That is what spawned Myths of Eternity, where you play as one of the Children of the Starlit Lord. You live your life, not as a Mortal, but neither are you Eternal. Many would see you destroyed as an abomination, others would use you for their own purposes. No matter what however, what you do will truly be legendary.”

So you’re telling me… I’m StarLord’s child.

Whoa


#4

I like the demo so far. Is there any reason not to choose more training?


#5

@fantom
Thank you for the compliment, I certainly tried to go for that feel to the writing. I do also appreciate the help with the typos as well.

@Doctor
Why yes, yes you are. Much whoa.

@Shawnheatherly
There is later down the line, the less you’re changed the more you can relate to mortal beings, and they may lend you assistance in ways you couldn’t compel them to otherwise.


#6

When attempting to strike the strange crystal:

TWP-1 line 628: bad label fight 34


#7

This is sorta based on that game eternal


#8

It seems that you have vague conditionals in the stats screen. When Acumen is 60 I can see these two lines both seem like they are describing Acumen:

Distant memories are readily available to you, and little can escape your notice. 

You can remember nearly anything with pefect clarity, and it is folly to attempt to escape your notice.

#9

@SheaMcD
I’ve never played through it myself, but when I took a look at it I didn’t really see the connection myself beyond the name. Does look neat though, will have to actually go through it in the near future.

@Crotale
They’re not there for any real function, that’s simply to give just a general overview of how potent your stats are, the higher yours stat the better sounding the line that is displayed.


#10

Yes I know they’re just flavor but what I was saying is I can see two at once sometimes - and this breaks immersion.

This does seem a very interesting idea though and I wish you luck in writing it.


#11

Ah, my apologies, I didn’t realize that was the issue. Just a slight mix up of variable names there and it should be fixed now.


#12

Next to the last scene i found it.

I believe you want to say “largest” instead of lagest

In the end however, it was still only the second largest being you had ever seen, and the lagest made itself known rather quickly.

Well Lagest is rather a nice sounding name. If it was a little more Germanic… Let me see…

How about Lageist the dreadnought?


#13

Ah, but it was truly the mysterious Lagest, most formidable and mightiest of all creatures.

In all seriousness though, thanks for the catch.


#14

Something like this is quite amazing ~ love stuff like this


#15

A great deal of your time was spent at your lord’s side, leavingyou little opportunity to learn the ways of lesser beings, or even your siblings.


#16

This game really interests me. I’m looking forward to the progress the game makes.


#17

i liked the demo so i just wanted to see when you think the next update for it


#18

Yo yo yo. Figured I may as well do my duty as a member of this forum and check out a WIP, colour me surprised to find myself intrigued more than the norm. SO I thought I mayswel write up a reply and point and any discrepancies/typos I saw and explain what and why this thing interests me.

Truthfully, I’m really interested in this for two reasons: the first of which being that I actually make several stories myself and most of them sorta have a similar nature; the second reasoning I have for being interested is simple: I think so far that this is pretty darn cool and has potential to be right up (one of) my ally.

Also, I apologize, cause this is probably going to be a long post.

I’ll being with the stuff that interests me. I find the whole concept of the Eternals beings essentially being akin to Gods pretty dope. The fact that they’re is more than one “Lord” is awesome. I’m hella interested in seeing the other Lords. I like the idea that the Eternals seem to be ruled by their oldest sibling.

I like the whole beginning passage and how what it says you are changes once the memory sequence initiates. I can’t really think of anything else right now soo I’m going to move onto typos for now.

I noticed that a few others pointed out some typos they saw and I’m probably going to cover some of the same ones but I’m also going to explain what I think/see is wrong with each one; I’d also like to a few sentences, words, whatever, I feel could be worded differently/I would word differently.

Taking in your surroundings you can conclude that you were lost in your thoughts for longer than you would have thought. This occurs on the same page that “The Winding Path” begins; and while there is nothing overtly wrong with it, I do find the passage to be a little redundant. Saying, “you were in your thoughts longer than you thought” just comes across a little…clunky to me.

Up until recently, the starlit isles was where you called home, and unfortunately it is not by your choice that you have to leave them. Aside from one little thing, again, there’s nothing really wrong here aside from personal preference I guess. The actual problem here is that starlit isles should Starlit Isles. -

  • On wards to the personal; I would probably replace was with were, or say that “Up until recently, the Starlit Isles was/were the place you called home.” I’d probably replace it is with it was, and have with had; In this case I’d probably remove them as well.

The waters around the starlit isles were filled with beings of his design, many of which were successes, and perhaps some less so. Again, during “The Winding Path”, starlit isles should again be Starlit Isles.

You are a creation of the Starlit Lord, a being that was raised up by the energies that the Lord commanded rather than one merely altered to suit his needs. I don’t think anything about this is really wrong but I’d put a period after “Starlit Lord” rather than a comma.

Your Lord made many like you, using his expansive knowledge and the powers available to him by his nature he created a number of being that threatened his peers. Not positive if something is wrong here but I’d personally but a comma after “nature”.

There were many times where you were kept awake all night while he continued his work improving your gifts, some of the actions he took caused you pain, but they always yielded results. I don’t think there’s anything really wrong with this passage but after “There were many times where you were kept awake all night while he continued his work improving your gifts” I’d place a period instead of a comma, keep it from becoming to run on sentency.

Using what he had learned from observing your siblings, he was able to make you stronger and more resiient than you ever were before. (I obviously played a strength/durability kid.) The problem here is that resiient should be resilient.

Your Lord conducted his business and was rarely involved in your personal affairs, leaving you almost to your own devices. I think it should be mostly instead of almost; almost makes it seem like you aren’t actually left to your own devices and then in like the very next paragraph it states you have a fair amount of free time, little contradictory to me.

Yours was a rather bland affair, dull eyes, dull hair, and pale skin made up its countenance. Pretty sure you aren’t talking talking about multiple people, so “Yours” should probably be “Your’s”. Granted yours isn’t actually incorrect but most people that speak English put the apostrophe; nothing like conformity.

A turbulent day ventually came to break up the monotony of your life however, as one of your Lord’s rivals came to challenge his power. Never heard of ventually in my life, did you mean Eventually?

The only thing of comparable size you had even caught a glimpse of were the great sea creatures that served your Lord, whereas this being was entirely different. I don’t really see a problem here so much as it reads strangely to me. I feel like it should be “ever caught a glimpse of” rather than “even” but I’m not sure. -

  • I also feel like “whereas” should be “but”.

Covered in leathery scales, the creatures frame might be called catlike if it were not for the great pair of wings on its back. As far as I can tell this part refers to one creature not several and as such should be “creature’s”.

“You have gone against our Father’s will, and while he might have ignored your offence I am now the eldest, and will not tolerate this!” I’d switch the comma from the end of “eldest” to the end of “offence”.

The furious Lord’s hand lashed out and pointed acusingly almost directly at you. Should be “accusingly” not “acusingly”.

“I have not done anything the eldest forbade, simply made being to serve my will.” This part should be “simply made beings to serve my will” or “simply made a being to serve my will.”; you could also probably put an “I” before the “simply”.

You Lord paused for a moment as he looked up the the great winged beast that sat upon his shores,- I’m too lazy to remember whether or not “You” Your or You’re, but it’s supposed to be one of the two.

“Those mockeries of us are not what he ever wanted and you know that, only he who was first had the right to create Eternals, and you know that these beings are nearly thus.” I like the way this reads, I’m just not sure if it’s wrong.

  • I’d probably have put “These mockeries of us aren’t what he wanted/wished” or "These mockeries of us were never what he wanted/wished for; I’m not say you should but I’d also probably say something about “Pathetic imitations or fallacies” but that’s just my personal touch.

“They are more than the mortal beings that we normally comand, yes. However, neither are they Eternal, they shall whither and die just as any other being in time.” Should be command instead of comand.

  • Whither is actually incorrect, I believe the word you are looking for is Wither

  • I’ll try to refrain pointing out any problems I have with the way the Lord’s walk unless they seem like typos.

As your Lord spoke the waters darkened as a great many formed neared the surface, and despite the murkiness us the sea, you could see the eyes of the many creatures just below the surface. A great many what? Creatures? Monsters? Guardians?

  • I’m pretty sure you mean murkiness Of.

In moments there were a dozen of the murderous limbs surrounding the Sunfire Lord’s pet, with even it finding it hard to be menacing while threated by seemingly countless arms ending in impossibly sharp blades. The way this reads to me aside, I’m pretty positive it’s supposed to be ‘Threatened’.

“Now my brother, I offer you one chance to reign in your anger and return to your domain before I do go against the First’s will.” ‘Rein’ is the correct word in this instance.

Your Lord threatened with calm detachment that sent chill down your spine. Though I guess this ain’t wrong, I think it should be “with a calm detachment”.

The Sunfire lord shook with impudent rage as he looked at your Lord, for a moment it had looked as though the fiery Eternal would go against what better judgement would dictate and attack your Lord. I’d personally place a period after that first Lord rather than a comma.

The firery Eternal stepped up upon its scaled head, once he was safely seated upon his beast, your Uncle called out one last time to your Lord. “Fiery” is the word here.

  • I think that the “up” before the “upon” is unnecessary and can be done without. The second “Upon” can be replaced with an on or onto.

Your Lord stood there as impassive as ever while the beast’s form gradually dissapeared over the horizon, and once it was well and truly gone, he ordered you and all of his children to return to what you had been doing before, as though the Sunfire Lord’s visit had never happened. Should be “Disappeared” or “vanished” or some other such word here.

Those days ventually becoming weeks, weeks to months, and months to years. Again, “eventually”. I myself hate when I have trouble with one specific word. I also think that the whole weeks into months/years passage could do with a bit more detail.

Such was the fate of a being whose purpose had been served, you had reached maturity just as its bones became brittle and hair turned white. I feel as though there should be another its/it’s before “hair turned white”.

Some grieved for them, some were thankful to be freed from their watchful gaze at last, but in the end all of the Caretakers whithered away and died. “Whithered” again. I feel like the change in description to the MC’s siblings felt about their Caretakers was bit of a sudden and a little off-putting one.

Through the testing and augmentations he conducted on your siblings, over time you felt as though you began to understand your lord. “Lord” not lord; I also think it should be "Over time you begin to feel as though you understand your Lord.

  • Aside from the lord thing, I don’t think the passage is really wrong or anything, just that I’d probably write it a little differently so as better connect to the following sentences about the MC’s siblings feelings.

You had just been You could only assume that it was simply your Lord attempting to keep his children on their toes. I’m not sure what’s happening here, it seems to me like you started to put a sentence here then decided against it, but you left part of it behind by mistake.

  • Honestly this part is a little confusing to me as I feel like an idea is supposed to be conveyed here but instead it comes across as kinda jumbled.

finishing up one of your augmentation sessions with your Lord. Is this the other part to what the MC had “Just Been” doing the half-sentence before? If so, you might want to re-connect them; if not, "Finishing should have that capital F.

You were just about to return to your home to get some sleep in when it all began. The "In’ portion of this passage feels a little forced; you can just say “to get some sleep” and still convey the same imagery.

Your distraction caused you to be taken completely by surprise when the crackle turned into a mighty thunderclap, and was accompanied by a nearly blindling light. “Blinding” not “Blindling”.

Even now, you could hear the sound of many of the armored guardians running towards you ready to fulfill their purpose of fighting and dying for the Starlit Lord. There should be comma or period just before “ready”.

In just a moment, a small army of these creatures had appeared all across the island, carved stone heads peering over the low stone rooves of many of the buildings. I find these to be clunky in this instance; I suggest “the” or a small reconfiguration of that part of the sentence.

You had a decision before you, the humanoid guardians on the island were clearly no longer had the advantage of numbers, and the sea guardians would need time to arrive. I don’t think I have to explain this one.

You however had no cumpulsion instilled in you to die pointlessly. Compulsion is the applicable word here.

Looking to the guardians you called out, “Quickly, give me a weapon so that I may aid you!” Though not exactly wrong as far as I’m concerned, the sudden switch to past tense is a little jarring.

He reached behind his back, he pulls out a weapon and offered it to you. Giving a quick nod of gratitude, you grasped the Little too much mixin’ it up here; If the guard “reached” behind his back then he should have “pulled” out a weapon; if he “pull"s the weapon from behind his back then it should be " he reaches” and “offers”.

Fortunately, it was apparent the monster before you was not the swiftest of opponets, as it is just no begining to lumber toward you. “Opponents”, “Beginning” and “Now” here. I think it should read either “It is just beginning” or “as it just then began to lumber”.

You were facing away from it at the time, which spared your eyes the full brunt of the flash, but you could hear very little beyond ringing in your ears. I’m not sure if this is supposed to be past or present tense but I’m pretty sure it should be “a ringing”.

Turning around your find a large portion of the night sky blocked out by a terrifying sight. Positive this should be “You”.

Covered in still living trees, and soil falling from its form with every movement, it was easily the second largest creature you had ever seen in your life. I feel like this should be it’s but I’m too lazy to remember.

Within moments the giant’s arm was grasped by hundreds of deadly arms, and while their bladed ends had little effect on the body of the construct the greatest of the Starlit Lord’s Guardians would show its worth that day. It would be nice if the was a comma before “the greatest” otherwise it’s a lot run on.

You could only watch in awe as a thunderous splash sounded from beyond your vision, and a great wave rose up over the palace itself and soon crashed down. I feel like this should be “listen in awe” as it’s happening kinda beyond your eyesight.

Within seconds your world was changed from the dry stone street, to a torrent of water sweeping you off of your feet. I don’t think this comma is actually needed, it provides unneeded clutter.

It was only thanks to your great fortitude that you were able to remain concious through this rough treatment of your body Conscious; GAWD I hate that word, gets me every time.

You blearily remember seesing many limps forms being carried alongside you by the implacable water. I think you mean “Seeing”

  • With this am finally done with the typos I saw and can move onto discrepancies I have/saw.

While I understand why he’s the Starlit Lord (Only because of the choice to look at the stars), I feel like the SLL should have a title more attributed to water or something.

It’s kinda strange for the SLL to be able to gather information on the Will and Compulsion powers from observing your siblings, according to power intros, you are the only of his creations to even have the power/s.

Are the invading creatures made of rock or crystal? I feel as though initially the creatures are explained as having rock forms with crystal features and then not too long after they’re described as having crystalline bodies. (also Crystaline bodies should be Crystalline.)

I’m sure there are more discrepancies I saw but I’m too lazy and tired from writing all this at the moment and so will try to remember them at another date. As such, I am done with my review and would simply like to say:

  • Thank you for producing this, I will hold an interest and I’m sorry if I came across as rude, twasn’t my intention.

#19

@Lazarus

Well, to start off, let me just say I’ll never be offended by someone taking an interest in my work, even less so if they take the time out of their day to actually help me check any errors.

I’m very happy that its caught your interest, and am a bit disappointing to say that not a whole ton of progress has been made on. That however can mostly be chalked up to taking a summer session class, and the Total War franchise.

I’m going to run through in a bit and work with the errors you spotted, so thanks again there.

Edit: While there’s still a bit more I would like to do with the Winding Path, if you like the concept of the Eternals, that will be expanded on more in the coming chapter.


#20

Sweet. I figured that I would like it if someone took the time to help point out the errors they saw in my work, so mayaswell do the same.

Don’t be disappointed. How much progress you’ve made isn’t what intrigues me, but the world you’ve built as a whole; and how it seems like you managed to successfully implement it into game form.

I understand the allure of distractions. I myself, am often distracted by pretty much anything; have you ever heard of Crusader kings two? Ruins my life, constantly. (Mind if I ask what class you’ve been taking?)

No problem and thank you for sharing your work with me/us.