Lost in your eyes (WIP) [3 Ch, 210K words] [Vampires/Romance/Dark Fantasy, supernatural]

I see nothing wrong with Marcus acting girly, think of it as being gender nonconforming. Personally, I even prefer him this way, because most male ROs generally act more stereotypically masculine or gender neutral. I understand that many people who are attracted to men won’t like Marcus for that reason, but it’s nice to have an RO like this for people who do like feminine men (people like me and others with such preferences).

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Marcus got me like:

Shit, the reason I got into this game and even became a patron is because Marcus is a feminine dude. I’m pretty sure he’s the first of his kind too cause I fail to recall any hosted or choice game that has one prior to this game(and the only other game that has one to my knowledge is Path of Martial Arts and that was a recent addition). So it’s about time we finally got a femboy in.

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I also got into this WIP because of Marcus. :slightly_smiling_face:
It’s important to remember that not all ROs will strike your fancy, and it’s okay, that’s why we have multiple ROs to choose from instead of just one.
So, @Silly_Cat_69, didn’t worry, Marcus certainly has his dedicated fan club in all
his feminine glory! :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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reply to @Nemureru_Mori

Mhm! ^-^ It’s why I made Marcus in the first place, I understand that he won’t be extremely popular of the bunch, nor would Valentine since they both aren’t stereotypical males, but that’s one of the reasons I’ve made Marcus that way. There aren’t a lot like him.

That kinda made me giggle a bit XD It kinda gives me joy seeing that my characters, especially Marcus has a dedicated fan club!

reply to @Lucky_Icarus

I wheezed so much at that lol

Heh, well good, because I’m gonna start working on the demo of my other book! (Femboy Dating Simulator) It’s kinda funny seeing my april fools joke getting so much Hype and support XD

Update day! So, first things first. I know I’ve mentioned it, however

The Patreon short story has been completed!

You may be asking “WHY YOU ANNOUNCING IT AGAIN AND AGAIN REEEEEE” and a reply to that is I’m sorry, I only did it once :sob: But also because now that it’s completed, I’m gonna start on the main project and also Femboy dating simulator! (It’s ironic how I expected backlash and ya’ll to choke me to death cause of a joke, but instead you all forced me to make it lmao)

Also, I’ve been thinking about this for a while, and I’ve finally implemented it.

1 The Patreon short story WILL be now in the main book!

Unfortunately for me, Midterm exams are slowly closing down on me and while I got an F in a subject before (Ironic because I literally had A’s and 1 B’s in almost all other subjects lol) I can’t afford to have that again.

What does that mean? Well, the amount of what I write is going to get lowered once again. Why won’t I stop writing and focus on IRL? Because it keeps me grounded.

I have this itch where I just CAN’T STOP WRITING. Like, Even when I told myself “Okay, I just finished the short book. I’ll just sit back, relax, play some games, watch some movies, maybe even lectures since I’ve been dedicating too much time to the book and my job.” I couldn’t lol, ended up writing 200-300 words, which, while isn’t a lot, I was just TRYING NOT TO WRITE XD But I swear I did have rest, and I had a fun time!

2 The update won’t be on the 1st! It’ll be on the 15th and every month of 15th

Well, first things first. “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO US?! WHYYYYY” and my reply to that is I’M SORRY :sob: But, you see, the thing was, the short story was meant to be like a filler, y’know? A chance for you to explore the world and all. But, I had this grand idea of showcasing Marcus/Melissa being all adorable and mature, and yeah, while the MC was a liiitttle bit smitten with Marcus/Melissa,. (The chapter’s name is literally “From front lines to romance” What you think’s going to be in it? :sob:) However, You can change that now! If you’re just friends or didn’t cuddle with Marcus/Melissa the night before, then there will be a few dialogue changes. So, in a nutshell, I’m gonna buckle down and make some adjustments to the story. We’ll spice up the interactions between the MC and Marcus/Melissa, making it more authentic to your choices.

3 The story is now NSFW. Not the naughty kind, but the brutal kind.

You can choose to turn them off but you know, I’d rather just put them here since lots of blood drinking are going to be added. (They’re vampires after all, and even vegan vampires need blood.)

That’s all folks, Love you guys and see ya! Massive thanks to GKM and The Boyz for the massive Patreon support btw!
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Because of them, not only have they made the MC’s life easier, but they’ve added characters who will help the story progress MUCH more smoothly. Love ya’ll <3

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Good luck with those midterms.

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Well, this week was kinda Meh, I was planning on releasing the book today and tried my best to finish up so I could get started on the other book but my PC just went “NOPE” and deleted the week’s worth of writing. Tried to get it with different disk restoration apps but it doesn’t seem to show up. Sorry you guys, but there is no update today ;-; I’ll try to pull an all nighter and release the public version tomorrow then take a small break from writing. (a day or two at most don’t worry.)

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Oh that’s the worst. My condolences.

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Literally listening to Ryan Goosling’s Night call right now XD.

Thankfully I had a spare drive for Patreons so not everything is lost. Ironic cause this is what I find there on top.


I’d say about 4K words were lost all in all, but hey, half a loaf is better than no loaf at all.

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Ah, don’t feel you have to rush. And with an uncooperative computer, you don’t really need more stress.

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Okay, so Ive been meaning to read this properly after the whole Femboy dating simulator fiasco, and after finally getting a bit of free time, I am here to opinionate. (When I say free time, i really mean it’s 2AM

Feedback shoved in here so as to not clutter the thread.

Okay, first off. I named myself “Leila Wayler” because I burst out laughing every time a character said my name. Not really relevant but I just wanted to mention it.

Alice whisper-yelled to me. That is my new favorite phrase.

This is an issue with the custom eyes. I saw that Natasha had yellow eyes, so i was like “well damn, I want an exotic eye colour too”, so I chose the custom eye colour to have red eyes.

The passage after choosing eye colour said something along the lines of " you saw your red and then something else."

The word eyes was missing. After restarting to fix it, at which point I typed “red eyes” in the custom box, after a chance expedition into the stats screen, i noticed it said " you have red eyes eyes."

I am writing this part before continuing with the story. Up til now, I had thought that Nathan and Natasha had the hots for each other, and Vic versa with the other 2 parents who were not here. So when this part showed up:

`“Don’t shed tears for the honor we have been bestowed with Natasha. It is okay to be sad because our partners won’t be in their lives but… we have been tasked to protect them. Their sacrifice wasn’t meant for nothing…”

Nathan’s lips pressed against her head, Rubbing her back and holding her like he used to hold Leila whenever he cried.

“I know… I don’t know how I’ll tell Alice…”`

I was a bit, I don’t know how to put it I to words but istg if the other two parents are dead imma…

And not even 5 pages later it says Nathan is in love with her… :smirk:

[10 minutes later…]

That was, a rollercoaster. I’m not even joking, I went on one yesterday. Nathan and Natasha leaving us to get the milk literally almost brought me to tears. (I’ve only ever cried once while reading IF, and that was the ending of A Mage Reborn.)

I don’t know whether to be amazed or terrified at your ability to manipulate emotions, but you definitely have a good? ability here. Use it. Make the readers cry. Because for some reason, we are all masochists and massively attracted to emotional trauma.

What I’m trying to say is, if you can get a woman lying in her bed at midnight reading IF crying, you’re doing something right.

And then Alice’s outburst made me need a short break to go stock up tissues.

Omg we’re being take care of by Virgil. If this man can’t motivate us then no one can.

Upon further inspection, I realised I misread Vigil as Virgil. Pack away the plastic chair.

Also, Nathan Himself seems like an odd full name… (this is not a typo I’m making a joke)

"Awesome!" Sagittarius said, and dragged you along with him. "Come on! Oh, one more thing that you guys need to know that this isn't like traditional soccer. Which means that we don't have any extras, and the usual game doesn't last for a lot longer. Most traditional games are about 45 minutes, but these? Well, at tops they go for 30 minutes before a break." Sagittarius explained

This is a pointless rant so feel free to ignore it.

WARNING: OBLIGITORY BRITISH PERSON FOOTBALL RANT.

Now, first of all, it’s football, not soccer. So i will be calling it footbal from this point forward. And games do not last 45 minutes. That is the length of one half-game. With halftime in between each 45 minute half, a full game of football lasts 90 minutes. Unless your on a primary school playground in which case it lasts until the teacher confiscates the ball because Bradley kicked it at someone’s face deliberately. Which in this case I guess it would apply, but since it’s apparently a tournament I would hope they are playing a full match. To add a cohesive point to this, the football sections feels a tad out of place. Like, we just wander over here, and two random kids recruit us and suddenly we’re playing in the FA cup finals. Like, I get we are these super big buff athletic specimens, but a stadium with a massive crowd showing up out of nowhere shouting “goaaaaaallllll” feels really random.

i don’t even like football why do I care so much about this?

Obligatory where is Marcus?

Wait, that’s illegal. You can’t just do a timeskip, end on a cliffhanger, and then timeskip again? And Alice is gone? I thought this was a happy story, with in reason considering the circumstances.
And what the heck, were we retelling our life story in the middle of a werewolf attack? MC is either extremely stupid or extremely based.

Also YES MARCUS FINALLY

Marcus snapped his fingers to get your attention. "You need to snap out of it, Leila, I don't know why you're telling me all these things after we've been roommates for 5 years and been on so many missions together but now is not the time."
Omg we actually were retelling our life story during a battle with werewolves what the hell…


Thank you for not including an option to not be romantic because why the hell would I not romance Marcus? (This is not sarcastic I am being serious, in fact force every player to romance Marcus and just say “enjoy”)

Oh god I’m choosing my height. I need to ensure I’m smaller than Marcus so I can have my dream relationship. (Smaller dom girl x taller sub femboy) How tall is Marcus this is important info. (I need to make sure I’m actually smaller IRL)

Hohohohoho I love this dynamic between Me and Marcus. He attempts to flirt, and then I flirt some more and he becomes a blushing mess. Ahhhhhh

Noooo I accidentally closed the game. Damn discord notification.

[Insert montage of me frantically clicking back to where I was]

There is one flirt option with Marcus, specifically the “mumble a thanks” one, where you can only really shy flirt. I feel there should be a more dominant flirt option here, perhaps a “thank him with a suggestive smirk”?

The monologue from Marcus’s PoV is super cute, assuming the fact he has a crush on MC is influenced by the played. (I could check the code but im lazy lol) and it just turns on my nuerons. In more ways than one :smirk:

The bed scene where Vigil walks in, that, that was perfect. It made me have to go do, something…
That was peak romance writing.

I apologise, but it’s better to be honest. Beyond this point I didn’t really pay much attention except for parts where I was able to flirt with Marcus. In fact, I can recall a few of them word for word. But that just speaks to the amazing and compelling RO thay you have created whom has filled me with impure thoughts. If I were a straight man, Marcus could turn me gay.

There was a part where I could visit a shop and was prompted to buy stuff with hex. I immediately scoured the stats looking for whatever the hell hex was, and how much I had. Upon further investigation, i Found nothing, and realised that I in fact had unlimited hex. So i turned to the shop person, and said

"Also known as memes"

This came out of nowhere since I kinda skimmed the previous page, so I got laugh jumpscared

TLDR

I could not pay attention to what I was reading because Marcus made me horny…

Typos I noticed

The entire class was gaping at you with their eyes wide open and their jaws dropped. "Are you Nathan's son?" Your teacher asked. "Yes sir," you replied and the man just sighed and scratched the back of his neck.
I am playing female, this passage referred to me as male.

Lap after lap rolled by as the other students began to tire, their breathing ragged and labored. But you continued to bolt through each and every one of them. Your every stride propelled you forward with a graceful efficiency that left the others in the dust and once you finished the finish line, there wasn't a single person who was looking at you with their mouth agape.
-unless it’s intentional, the final sentence should be “there wasn’t a single person who wasn’t looking at you with their mouth agape.”

The gruelling scream pierced the night sky's serenity, chilling you to the core. Marcus wasn't faring well either, her face was as pale as a ghost. Which, you admit, was normal for a vampire, but it was a lot paler than it should have been.
-Male Marcus got misgendered here.

Aside from the ones I’ve pointed out, I noticed lots of random quotation marks spread throughout your writing. After comparing a few, I noticed a pattern. You tend to write this:

[Character name] doin something " doing something else, “[actual dialouge]”

As in, you often start the dialouge too early in the sentence. I would encourage you to go through your files once or twice with a vengeance, and delete any stray quotation marks.

But overall, I really enjoyed this. Probably not for a reason you intended, but I’m counting it as a win for you. I’m looking forward to the next update because I enjoy that I can be possessive of Marcus and tell Vivian to shove off and get her own femboy.

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Oh, it’s not exactly a feeling of needing to rush, it’s more like I have a responsibility of undertaking the development of this book now, and if I don’t fulfil that responsibility like a responsible person then my brain just starts eating me inside out :sweat_smile: I really appreciate your kind words! I’ll do my best to rest up ^-^

Ha! I get you, It’s like… Oh, it’s 8 am and I need to head to work in 4 hours ;-; Oh well, heck it, We ball. I’ll get a couple of words in then get that sweet sweet 2 hour sleep (I dunno why but 2 hours of sleep always makes me hyper energetic) ⠰D

I’m trying my best to get to that book but life isn’t agreeing with me
734186735122120725
Even had the artist make me some arts since he was giving discounts at that time (Had to write him some cough cough interesting things about Marcus among other character that he wanted me drawn >.>) (saved much more then 20 dollars)
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Answer to your (amazing) feedback

Who knows.

Nathan was always in love with Natasha. The problem here was that the author actually started to cry when fleshing out their back story, stopped, forgot, and then decided they’d continue on until they were in a better place. Sooo you’ll see more of what happened to Alex and MC’s parents in the fourth chapter when Alex/Alice is around.

This has actually been a problem lol, every one keeps mistaking Vigil for Virgil. I don’t blame them though, Virgil is super popular name in the Devil may cry franchise. Vigil means ​a period of time when people do not sleep, especially at night, in order to watch a sick person, say prayers, protest, etc… That is who Vigil is, he’s like a light that guides people to their rightful paths.

Oh yeah, I forgot I had to change that a bit, thanks for the reminder! :heart:

You forgot “Extremely traumatized” lol

Hmm, I wouldn’t exactly say “Crush” because “Crush” wouldn’t begin to describe the spider’s web that Marcus is weaving. He’s possessive, EXTREMELY possessive, you’ll see that in multiple cases such as how he grabbed the MC and chucked him to the room to confess his feelings so the MC couldn’t spend much time with others, is rude to V and later on, to A. (Which is where the Dom and sub stats play in and you can choose on how you’ll ask him to stop :smirk:)

Yeap, I still haven’t fleshed out that part yet. I’m thinking of removing it all together since it contains only 3-4 things that will be needed. But that’s a big BIG maybe. Thinking of adding an item that will give specific scenes with Marcus like having the pink-painted claws, or some alcohol for V etc.

Marcus and Melissa both are 5’1, the shortest you can get lol (Also I aspire to have that kind of excitement doing anything XD)

Haha, it’s all good. My main goal was for people to enjoy something that I’ve created. As long as you’ve smiled, giggled, or cried (hopefully tears of joy as I try my best to weave words that will make a person’s heartache for days to come :smiling_imp: ) then I’ve accomplished my goal ^-^ I’m sure you’re going to love the upcoming update since it’s just Marcus and the MC lol, Thanks again for the read AND for taking your time to write all that! :heart:

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Okay! So, the game has been finally finally been updated! It isn’t as polished as I’ve wanted since PC being doo doo, but I tried my best >.< I’ll work on the Patreon version of the book, polish it a bit more and then release it tomorrow! After that, it’s a 3 day break where I prepare for my exams, and after that I’ll start working on my other book ^-^ Hope you guys enjoy!!

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Good update. One of the few WIPs I never mind resarting.

And I gotta say, despite how jank it seemed(I got a little stunned when the game asked me to name my character again), I kinda dig the idea of being able to just hard lock my characters personality despite any of the earlier choices

I liked those latest scenes. Pulling a Mission Impossible 3 was nice.

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Can there be an non romantic option here I have no interest in Blaine and feels weird with this forced choice even though all the other ones aren’t.

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Mhm! I was planning on adding a non-romanceable option as well as a few other things, so hopefully you’ll see that in the next update. There will be a lot of changes in the next update since the book does seem that the MC is forced to like Blaine. Not to mention there are a few loose ends that I need to tie.

Haha, Thanks! I always try to add a little something in the previous versions so it doesn’t feel like a chore going through it. I really appreciate the comment! <3

Oops, I kinda fixed that but my PC went doodoo and it seems I forgot to fix it again heh, Hopefully it’ll be fixed in the next 10-20 minutes!

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I’m still at the beginning of the game, so I don’t know if this only happens at the beginning, but in my opinion, the choices we make force us to act in a certain way:

I want to make a Subservient Character, but if I don’t flirt with Blaine, my character loses a lot of that trait and automatically becomes dominant

There’s also a scene from the beginning, I think it’s the scene where Blaine accidentally grabs the MC or something, And in this scene there are only two options:
“What do you Think You’re doing?” (+%5 Intimidating Trait)

“Thanks, for being there for me” :heart:

That is, either we flirt with Blaine or our character is automatically aggressive.
And you can see this again when we are in the restaurant with Blaine, there are 4 options, Two to flirt with Blaine and two others that are extremely aggressive or very aggressive. For now I don’t want to go Blaine’s route, but I also don’t want to be aggressive with him :cry:

From what I’ve seen you will already deal with this, but I urge you to pay close attention to this kind of thing and avoid repeating it, it can really destroy someone’s experience in the game
Anyway, the game itself is pretty good, so other than that, you’re doing great ^^

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“Is it bad to fall in love with a character you made?”

Literally every female character I’ve ever created has been the absolute love of my life

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Extremely sorry that you’ve had a bad experience, but yes! I’m working on fixing it ^-^ The MC is supposed to be super aggressive due to the trauma that they’ve suffered (loosing family, having no friends, no way to express their feelings, no healthy way to cope) etc etc. so they do lash out, which is why there were more aggressive options there, and even if you choose the romance option, until the third chapter, the MC will withdraw until Blaine finally musters up the courage.

However I am going to re-write it, and am thinking of changing the POV (From Third to first) and
hopefully also fix tonnes of typos among other things while doing so. It’ll take some time but hopefully it’ll be worth it.

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This is a very interesting idea, but at the same time, for it to work, it must be worked on in a way that the reader understands the MC’s style while at the same time feeling free in terms of choices. I don’t know if you’re going to keep this idea of ​​the MC being naturally aggressive, but if you do, I wish you luck and hope you manage to maintain a balance between the MC’s trauma and and player satisfaction in the choices the game has available

Again, apart from that the game is wonderful, so take care and take your time ^^

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Oh no! I am already planning on giving people more freedom of choosing their choices especially where the MC recovers faster or not. Which is why I’m planning on taking a moment to rewrite the book.

I’m already trying to make sure that my book is stat free but choice heavy where even the smallest decision that you take will effect the story in one way or the other whether it be hugging Natasha in the beginning or asking her to tug you in the bed etc. It’d be idiotic of me trying to force the player to choose a path I want them to choose :sweat_smile:

Tl:Dr yep! There will be lots changes with new choices being added ^~^ thank you for your kind words! Sorry if I make any typo or said anything that’s be odd, it’s 6 am and my brain isn’t working XD

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