I meant to leave my thoughts for some time but never got to it. I’ve read the story up until your last big update so my feedback will be on that version (idk if you fixed some of the things I will mention in the current version).
As far as language is concerned, I think your sentences flow naturally. You mentioned in your first post that English is not your first language, but to me, it felt like it was written by someone who is proficient/native, with a few tiny exceptions. The only issues I noticed are easy-to-fix, punctuation, and capitalization issues (you have quite a few sentences that start in lowercase). 99% of the errors I’ve seen can be fixed with a grammar plugin such as Grammarly.
I’ve noticed that you do a few perspective switches during the story. I haven’t seen it done before in this medium, but it could work. I don’t know if I feel one way or another about it. The key thing is for the player to find out extra information in these types of scenes.
I find the story and the world-building a bit confusing. For example, what’s the point of the monarch if nobody knows who he is and the Bishop holds all the power anyway? Also, why are the bad guys keeping the MC’s dad hostage for so long? From what I understand, some years pass from when he’s abducted and current events. You don’t have to answer, I’m just laying the thoughts that I had while playing. My speculation would be that they need werewolf and vampire juice in order to make more paladins. I understand that you are going for a Chosen One kind of story, but it still feels a bit jarring that Vigil’s organization is putting all their trust in the MC to rescue their father.
Game-wise, I understand that you want to focus on romance and I think you made a few good decisions to highlight that. For example, I liked that the MC already has an established relationship with Blaine so it’s not too creepy to grab her butt, or that during the encounter with the werewolf, you focus more on expression rather than combat mechanics.
Overall, I think you have a solid foundation, and with a few details ironed out it can be a great story. You’ve written a lot in a short time, be careful not to burn yourself out so you can keep making progress.
Good luck with your exams! May your pen always hover above the correct answers!
I’ve been working hard to improve my English but there are certain phrases that I usually say/write that either don’t make sense which is why I wrote that, hoping people would be a little more forgiving 
