Immortal (WIP with demo) (updated 18/3/16)


#1

Well this is my first time working with choicescript, so forgive me for any errors, I’m also not that good at writing so, forgive me for any spelling mistakes or if the story sounds a bit… Dry. I started writing this to see if could code choicescript, but now I already have the first few chapters planned out (not written just planned.)

So the story, you play as an immortal character that has lived for a couple of hundred years (the time that you play in is sort of like mediaeval meets fantasy) and something happens that makes the dying king learn of your immortality, and there’s a secret group of rebels that have learned to use magic. Which side will you join?
I plan to have 3 RO’s
-Elizabeth (knight-to-be)
-Whisper (housemate/friend)
-A demon (haven’t decided his name)
I also plan to have 7 chapters for this game, but depending on a choice, there will be 2 versions of chapter 4-7 that will be significantly different.
It’s not going to be a long game, maybe 50-60k total words (or more depending how long each chapter is)
So demo: http://dashingdon.com/play/SheaMcD/immortal-(wip)/mygame/


#2

Wow pretty cool story bro ! Sadly the demo’s pretty short , but I liked it so that’s nice :grin:

Now for the sad part , grammar (The bolded text should be replaced, I wrote what I think would do) :

  1. While your walking out of your door

you’re walking

  1. “-and stay out.” you hear coming from the (who you presume) the tavern owner

Someone you presume is the tavern owner

3)“Nothing, I was just checking to see what the noises were about but thanks for asking.” He nods and says “No problem, and I should be getting back to work.”

About , but

  1. You’re at the store and buy a couple of things that should last you at least a couple of days, while walking out you bump into to someone

, buying

When bumping into someone on your way out.

  1. No, I’m sorry it was my fault

Sorry , it

I hope that’s everything , good luck with yer game :smile:


#3

Thanks for the feedback (hooray more work for me :neutral_face: ) but seriously I appreciate it. (Now back to writing more of it)


#4

Hi again, I took a look at your demo and thought I might leave a few thoughts on what is there so far (if you’re amenable to that).

My first impression is that the story moves very quickly, with almost no intervening material to tell us about the world or people. Within three lines I’ve picked a gender and on the next page I’m apparently selecting whether or not I have a robot arm?

Don’t get me wrong, I think that robotic limbs are almost universally rad, but a little context would be much appreciated.

Then we go for a regular old walk to the store. Are you sure? We’re not seeing a roboticist? Or an open-air show? Or maybe some sort of air show where rigid airships let off fireworks as wings of turbo-prop fighter planes arc and twist around each other? No? We’re going to ‘the store’.

Ok…

Then somebody knocks you over, and you share a (frankly awkward) conversation that ends in equally awkward flirtation.

But its not fair to judge you based on this, there isn’t enough of it to do so and by your own admission you’re more interested in learning how things work at this precise second. However my criticisms can all be addressed in fairly short order, and I’ll try and lay out some constructive ideas that you can either use or ignore as you desire.

Firstly, have a little preamble on your first page, a two or three paragraphs that attempt to set the scene and give the reader some crucial hints as to where they are (and allow them to figure out how their character would react to their surroundings). You state in your forum post that your setting is “sort of like mediaeval meets fantasy” but that is a masterclass is vaguery, so I will choose to describe things as if the setting were something akin to 18th century Europe (not particularly “mediaeval” but for my purposes it will do to show you what I mean).

So your character might begin their story in a city apartment, describe the settings in a brief but information-heavy way (the walls are dotted with the works of great Renaissance artists, the furniture is not ostentatious but is clearly well made, implying the easy comfort of old money etc) Describe the sounds, smells and possibly sights of the outside world as seen from the window.

Then you can introduce your character, establishing their gender and name through situations that require an answer rather than simply having the character ask specific questions about themselves to nobody at large.

To show gender by clothing (something that others on the forum would have more to say about than me) have a servant wake your character and prepare their clothing for the day, and then ask what the servant has prepared. To name yourself, read through your daily correspondance, asking what name you have made yourself known by in this city. This gives you extra context data to boot. If your character is Immortal, then it stands to reason that they might well change their name every few years, adding richness to the characterization.

Continued in a few minutes, watch this space:


#5

Now where was I? Oh! Right!

Now you added a choice to have a “robot arm” soon after picking a name, but it seemed to serve no purpose in the text. It just seemed to come out of nowhere and was never mentioned again. I would rejig this to add a deeper degree of characterization to your character.

Instead of just having a ‘robot arm’, why not let the player choose from a selection of potential ‘replacement’ parts and add points to the corresponding stat in your stat screen so that later that choice might make the difference between life and death (or at least success and failure).

Also, wasn’t this a medieval fantasy? Where did the robot-arm come from? Whatever, ignore that, you’ve probably figured that out yourself.

So perhaps if your character has a Robotic Eye, it can feed the user data on people and their physiological reactions, making them better at negotiating with people. A Robotic Heart or Lungs might help you survive in deep water or under extreme stress. A robotic arm might contain delicate micro-tools allowing you to handle delicate tasks like lockpicking or even painting (perhaps your character could make his/her living as an artist?) A Robotic Leg might help your character kick through stone, concrete or even steel plate, although only having one would probably not make them a very fast runner…

See? How all those potential choices help the player really make their character, but functionally don’t have to be important right this second?

Also, try and describe these things with a little more depth, sell me the world you’re creating, ok?

As to the outdoor scene, there was just too little to it. The only character you meet is a little bland, and we know nothing about them beyond the fact that they are awkward and somehow surprisingly forward (consider sexual politics of your time period). It just happens too fast, no real characterization and the whole exchange may as well take place in a cardboard box for how much description you give us.

You have time, so take time. Tell the story, in as many words as it takes. If you need help with characters, settings or plot situations, ask for them. Go ahead and PM me or anyone else who offers you help if you want it.

Good luck with your game, and hopefully we’ll see more soon.


#6

Youre right there, maybe I should make it like some sort of metal arm controlled by magic?

And it does come into play when you shake Elizabeth’s hand.

I’m making this story entirely fictional, so a woman can be a knight and heck a man could be a mom if I chose them to be (don’t quote me on that)

And yes I will try to make it more in depth, my story is like a desert… Dry.


#7

Well it’s good to hear that you want to add in more data, I’m available if you want to bounce ideas off me, or if you need some background details figured out. It’s sort of my thing around these parts.


#8

Okay so, slight update with a couple of more scenes.


#9

Before I go any further, there is a missing parenthesis on startup line 145.


#10

It was the end of what was coded in the update, so you didn’t miss anything.


#11

Right-o, then are you willing to accept any thoughts on this draft?

I’m just going to tell myself that you are, for brevity’s sake…

The opening of any game (or story in general) is always a great and horrible beast that squats atop a good story like a landmine made of awkward metaphors, so you’re probably just as aware as I am that it might need a proper rewrite when the time comes.

That being said, you appear to have accidentally stumbled into a very common trap amongst writers, which is to accidentally info-dump during your opening statement. The first page of every story should be one in which something happens.

That seems obvious, but let me clarify. Page one should not be a place for esoteric knowledge, lore building or other non-action related things. It should not be a place for a nameless narrator to calmly explain that magic is illegal, and to draw together a vague history of a past nation. It should be a page in which the reader can see, hear and smell their surroundings.

There is a well-known rule in writing, which is to show and not tell. Your character has the whole story to discover the various nuances of the world, page one is not the place for that. You described your character as having a ‘bad dream’, but considering nothing particularly shocking happened to anyone in particular one must assume that the main character is merely terrified of expository dialogue (which would be a fun character to write at least…)

So perhaps instead describe an actual bad dream, perhaps a location or event with some great significance to our protagonist, with the details to be explained later? A little cliched but a perfectly valid opening statement if done well.

As to the later scene, it starts to get promising when someone stabs you. Now we learn the core conceit of the game, that you are both immortal and invulnerable. This scene is a little light on description (who is your attacker, what does he look like, how does he carry himself?) and it also ends a little abruptly, with the Elizabeth character accepting your explanation somewhat too easily. In short, she has no incentive to take you home, and plenty of incentive to take you to a doctor. You need to convince her to take you somewhere she believes will take care of your wound, no matter how down-played your condition is.

You need another character, possibly someone who lives with you, someone who at least knows the true you. Perhaps your very old butler or manservant whom you tell Elizabeth was an accomplished surgeon in his day for example. That could add some interesting characterization later, perhaps the manservant has been with you since he was a little boy, and you could have a lot of great interactions regarding your relationship and his enduring loyalty.


#12

He was a hired goon (and he was supposed to be the guy that got kicked out of the inn/tavern, but I forgot to write it out)

Thanks for that, you just gave me a good idea. (Spoilers, they can also use magic)


#13

Well , it seems like @Moreau said most things that were “wrong” with the story/writing so far , so I guess I’m on grammar duty again , yay :sweat_smile:

  1. you notice that the guy that got kicked out is has a sword

Remove the is

  1. No problem, and I should be getting back to work.

Remove the and

  1. No its fine, it’s stopped bleeding

It’s ; it

Looking forward to new drafts ! :grin:


#14

I’m happy for any suggestions for the name of this game (‘immortal’ is kind of straightforward)


#15

How about “The person who lives really long and can’t die” it’s right up there with “Billy and the Cloneasaurus”


#16

Curse of the Immortal : Rising Storm

Sounds pretty cool to me , maybe this “Storm” can be a big thing/character in your world . It’s also good for sequels ! :smile:

If you don’t like it idk I’m not good with names :sweat:


#17

Well it’s better than ‘immortal’ but I don’t think it fits the game. And welcome to the not good with names club (I’m the president and the only member)


#18

Naaa, you are not the only member.
I am hiding somewhere in a secluded area…
I have like six other names for FAWR before I settled on the current one.

But back to your game.
The idea so far sounds interesting, even though I have not yet played it (tooooo much work…)
But I want to read it once I have time :wink:


#19

I don’t know if this has been mentioned or not before, but when picking the outfit I chose trousers, thinking I was gonna get to choose my gender later.

I had to quote you. I’m sorry.


#20

I’m gonna make it like that right away. rushes to idea board

K, I changed it so you can be female and have trousers.

Hopefully the start of it flows better, thanks to @Maxmansung