Hi again, I took a look at your demo and thought I might leave a few thoughts on what is there so far (if you’re amenable to that).
My first impression is that the story moves very quickly, with almost no intervening material to tell us about the world or people. Within three lines I’ve picked a gender and on the next page I’m apparently selecting whether or not I have a robot arm?
Don’t get me wrong, I think that robotic limbs are almost universally rad, but a little context would be much appreciated.
Then we go for a regular old walk to the store. Are you sure? We’re not seeing a roboticist? Or an open-air show? Or maybe some sort of air show where rigid airships let off fireworks as wings of turbo-prop fighter planes arc and twist around each other? No? We’re going to ‘the store’.
Ok…
Then somebody knocks you over, and you share a (frankly awkward) conversation that ends in equally awkward flirtation.
But its not fair to judge you based on this, there isn’t enough of it to do so and by your own admission you’re more interested in learning how things work at this precise second. However my criticisms can all be addressed in fairly short order, and I’ll try and lay out some constructive ideas that you can either use or ignore as you desire.
Firstly, have a little preamble on your first page, a two or three paragraphs that attempt to set the scene and give the reader some crucial hints as to where they are (and allow them to figure out how their character would react to their surroundings). You state in your forum post that your setting is “sort of like mediaeval meets fantasy” but that is a masterclass is vaguery, so I will choose to describe things as if the setting were something akin to 18th century Europe (not particularly “mediaeval” but for my purposes it will do to show you what I mean).
So your character might begin their story in a city apartment, describe the settings in a brief but information-heavy way (the walls are dotted with the works of great Renaissance artists, the furniture is not ostentatious but is clearly well made, implying the easy comfort of old money etc) Describe the sounds, smells and possibly sights of the outside world as seen from the window.
Then you can introduce your character, establishing their gender and name through situations that require an answer rather than simply having the character ask specific questions about themselves to nobody at large.
To show gender by clothing (something that others on the forum would have more to say about than me) have a servant wake your character and prepare their clothing for the day, and then ask what the servant has prepared. To name yourself, read through your daily correspondance, asking what name you have made yourself known by in this city. This gives you extra context data to boot. If your character is Immortal, then it stands to reason that they might well change their name every few years, adding richness to the characterization.
Continued in a few minutes, watch this space:
) but seriously I appreciate it. (Now back to writing more of it)
