I'd appreciate input on first chapter of "Hero Community College" (title subject to change)


#1

I think I did the dropbox thing correctly. This is only at about 7,000 words at the moment. I plan for the story to span about 7 more chapters, providing time for more universe building and well as time for classroom scenes, a few side missions, some gear upgrades, social interactions students/faculty, and the unveiling of the main storyline.

I have my main characters sketched out (literally as well as figuratively) and the plot should start to unfold in Chapter 2. I have a thick skin so constructive criticism is welcome and appreciated! I’m thinking of other titles like "Heroes Among Us. or just “Hero University.” Originally I wanted it to be “Crime fighter Community College” but I feared that was too long and not very search-friendly either.


#2

Still working on the link.


#3

Should work now. Is there a way I can move this to the WIP category or should I just repost there?

https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/267555110/web/crimefighter/index.html


#4

Wouldnt let me pick the “bad” uniform… you know the one were if you we’re showing any less you would get arrested lol. Would not let me pick it. Over all I love the writing style and story is cute so far. The only thing I would say is to give the reader more freedom with their charactor. Awesome can’t wait for more!!!


#5

line 316: bad label firstname “michelle”


#6

Error when picking “not attracted at all”.


#7

Okay I fixed those bugs and a couple others. Updated version below.

https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/267555110/web/crimefighter/index.html


#8

@Grim, Thanks for the feedback. I definitely want to give the character a lot of choices through the story. He/she will have to decide whether they focus on building relationships, academics, or adventuring outside of the school. Just like real life, it won’t be possible to do everything in one reading. I just felt chapter 1 needed to focus on universe building.

I’m even considering letting the MC choose his/her classes at registration (maybe let them do 2 or 3 of the 4 offered) but then I’d have to be certain that the main storyline is not dependent on what happens in any individual class, and that might be difficult to pull off. It would also substantially cut the story’s length.


#9

I’m having a ton of fun so far. I like that my character is kind of bottom-of-the-barrel, but the options give me things I can focus on making my specialties. Character set-up felt very natural and not at all like “I’m picking my stats” forced. The choices throughout feel like they matter. The last-line hook between the intro and the loop back to the beginning was great. As are the touches of humour (“eat a beet!”).

If you haven’t already, I’d suggest you buy any URLs you use in the game. You don’t have to make sites for them (although that’d be fun), but at least you could point them to a page of your own or back to here.

Maybe choosing classes could be more about which abilities the character raises stats in, and/or who is more likely to be friendly toward/allies with the character, rather than it being about scenes of going to class.

I didn’t encounter any glitches. The pacing felt good. There’s enough going on that I’d want to replay to try other choices, but not so much that I feel (so far) as if it’d be too complicated to try again. Even though I’ve played a lot of superhero-theme games/books, the tone of this one feels fresh and fun and I’d play this one too. I’m already fond of my first character (leather-clad, visor-wearing, socially awkward, sneaky Urban Ghost Miranda Espinoza–whooops, I mean, pretend I never said my real name).

Thank you for the option of playing an older character, which I opted for on the second play-through. I’m hoping that there isn’t going to be a ton of emphasis on how past your prime you are, though.

ETA: I enjoyed the stats, too!

ETA some more: a little typo here: “Counting your Speck stipend, you[r] checking account balance shows $25,000.”


#10

Cant wait for more!


#11

@Carlolyne,

Thank you for giving such specific feedback. I promise not to punish the older character (other than the lower initial stats) and he/she will have advantages with higher hmmm to investigate things and a lot more funds to buy gear.

I’m still thinking about how detailed classroom scenes will be.
Im not sure if it would make sense for Speck to let the students pick classes considering how incoming freshmen generally have little schedule flexibility and seeing as how all the information is pretty critical to their training. Maybe allow one elective class or something?


#12

@hornheadfan please tell me theres going to be more soon lol


#13

This is a really good start! The writing is eloquent and I like how we don’t have powers; it makes things more intuitive. One thing I’d suggest is that you should consider adding descriptions of what the stats mean


#14

@hornheadfan Picking your class would be very neat but don’t bite off more than you can chew. Maybe just do a few “blow off” classes? That way you can have classes that ahear to the main story too? Idk its up to you.


#15

It’s pretty good! Really looking forward to seeing more. Keep up the great work! Like others have said, picking a class or two would be cool, but try not to give yourself too much work.


#16

Okay, I’ve decided the MC will be required to attend certain core classes but will have at least one “blow off” elective that will effect a certain stat. Samuel, Grim and Saracenar, you all convinced me this is the best way to go! I’ll post again when Chapter 2 is done, hopefully by the end of the week.


#17

You should also probably add a blurb somewhere that tells what each stat is for; as cute as your onomatopoeia is, it’s not perfectly clear what it means.


#18

Agree with Ramidel. The stats need to be more clear.


#19

Stats make me think of 1960s batman bam, pow, lol


#20

I’ll vote for giving everyone what they want by having a guide to the stats at the bottom (like for Choice of the Deathless) but not changing the stat names, which I think are a clever change of pace.