The game tells the story of a young runaway striving to find their place in the world. You, as the main character of this story, will have to deal with your family issues, violence, drugs, mental disorders and, of course, love.
As I said, the story is still in an early state, but what I really want to know is: Is my writing good enough? And if it isn’t, how can I improve the writing so that no native English speaker will find it weird?
Pd: I didn’t include the stats page this time. Sorry!
I dislike the first person perspective, as I’m sure has been covered adequately elsewhere on the Forum. I would comment about the non-existent ability to determine the nature of the PC, but by the look of it, the game is too early in development to be worth arguing that point.
The writing is fine. A few cases of odd phrasing, but nothing overly eyebrow raising.
Thanks, @Drazen.
I’ll change the perspective, Don’t worry about that. About the nature of your character, you’ll be able to choose from different origins, from being raised in the streets, to being the son or daughter of a rich family.
“Yes, as long as I keep paying. You would have already kicked me out if I weren’t one of your best customers.” - Is a suspect, suggestive line, which would support why @MaraJade made that inference, as did I.
Yes @Drazen the game text yell drug adiction. that paragraph and the line about the light people with adiction to drugs like heroine couldn’t support light.
If you let me haven’t nothing with drugs maybe be a hobo or a depressed lad or a whore you have to be more neutral with the text. or have two text one for drugs other for rest of possibilities.
It’s a little too early for me to say that I love it or hate it, but I guess it sounds cool so far. I like the premise of being a runaway.
Like @Drazen said, there were a few oddly worded sentences: “I didn’t want to wait anymore time.” could have just been “I didn’t want to wait anymore.” The ‘time’ probably shouldn’t be there.
Also, I noticed where it said “earnt” it should have said “earned.” A few small things like that that interrupted the flow of an otherwise well-written story. But this is just nitpicking; I definitely wouldn’t have known that you’re not a native English speaker.
As a side-note, how much character customization will there be? I’m guessing you’re eventually going to be able to choose your gender (unless choosing the gender of the person you used to date also sets your own gender?)
I’ve changed the drug references, and those odd sentences. The link hasn’t been updated, though, because I want to add the introduction before I
@YaoiBloodhound No, your gender is not set when you choose who you were dating. That wouldn’t be too gay-friendly, would it? You’ll be able to customize your character during the introduction: Family, gender, behaviour…
What I haven’t decided is: Should I let you choose your hair colour, skin, etc? Or should I forget about it and let the player imagine how their character is? Deciding if your MC has long or short hair, is asian or hispanic, or has heterochromia can be fun, but even if I add a lot of choices, I’m sure I won’t be able to add enough options to satisfy all and every player.
Well i like customization but selected that i think dont add really value, so i dont implemented them when i write it except race or gender determine a lot like be black in a society in a alternative reality ruled by KKK , they are totally unnecessary
I’ve always liked customizing my character’s physical features, at least to some extent. But really, only if it’s referred to in other places throughout the story. Sometimes games will have that option, but then past the introduction nothing about what you customized will even be mentioned again.
Really, I don’t mind not having physical customization at all, so long the in-game choices are decent, since I feel developing the character’s personality and values through the choices is the most important part.
However, if you do decide to incorporate the options of race, hair/eye color, hair length, body type/height, etc. I think it’d be nice if these options somehow affect interactions or narrations later in the story.
And since this drama-esque storyline seems to revolve heavily around the MC (versus national issues like in actions or fantasies) I think the story could benefit from MC customization
