HG Submission Materials

James2018 · April 5, 2018, 6:06pm

promo_480x320
I made my promo art to all of the specified sizes and wrote my game description and bullets. The 20 derivative subject lines are next. Ugh! Going blind fast!

Can someone please skim through this to see if I missed anything obvious or not so obvious. Does this work or sound too whatever for the sales copy I need to submit? I’m not a natural copy writer.

Impressions? Does it work for this market?

FULL DESCRIPTION:

Confront your worst fears by joining our team of international misfits and try to survive the terrors of this deadly salvage mission, playing yourself as you descend two miles into the mystery, suspicion and mortal dangers waiting for you at the bottom of the doomed Tartarus Deep Core Exploration gold mine to find out what happened to the miners who never returned to the surface – and try to stay alive to escape from where no one has returned.

SALVAGE TEAM is a non-stop, 88,500 word interactive survival/horror novel by James Arnett, where your choices control the story. It’s entirely text-based – without graphics or sound effects – and fueled by the vast, unstoppable power of your imagination.

This adventure is a scary, funny, death defying, survival/horror that leverages the psychology of paranoia to compound the jeopardy with every desperate choice you make.

Download this limited play demo to step across the line into the unknown. If you really get into it, you can always buy it to find your fortune, be a hero or die trying because this is hard-boiled survival/horror.

If you think you can take that kind of pressure – join the Salvage Team now!

BULLETS:

Play yourself as a male, female, gender-fluid,or non-binary, gay, straight, or asexual main character.
Select your own profession from among our team of international misfits.
Confront your worst fears in the subterranean world of the doomed, deep core gold mine.
Rise to the challenge of solving the mystery of the terror below and escape with your life.
Negotiate everything from your bonus pay to your own survival and live with your decisions.
Discover that important someone on the team who really needs you to survive.
Make a nemesis or make a love interest, or leave everyone to themselves because you may never know who you can really trust until the last moment.

N1GHTMAR3 · April 5, 2018, 5:49pm

I’m just giving my thoughts on this, I really like it. Informative, clear and straightforward. Hey, I’ll even try it out once it’s released!

James2018 · April 5, 2018, 5:52pm

Thanks! This is harder than writing the whole story!

Next time, I’m writing these things first. My brain is officially drained after the final draft of the story.

N1GHTMAR3 · April 5, 2018, 5:55pm

I can guess why. To write a story is one thing, but to summarize it in a way that will attract readers and also pass for the market is an entire challenge in itself.
I guess. Because I haven’t done it, obviously.

James2018 · April 5, 2018, 5:58pm

I know, right! Taking a giant step back after immersion for weeks in every detail of the story just hurts like a kick to the brain

N1GHTMAR3 · April 5, 2018, 5:59pm

Okay, well, good luck on it, I’m sure it’ll go smoothly. Now, I’ll sit back and let the pros answer your questions.

James2018 · April 5, 2018, 6:16pm

The pro opinions are always trying to gage the consumer. That makes the consumer opinions their raw data. It’s all important feedback.

N1GHTMAR3 · April 5, 2018, 6:18pm

True enough. Though what I mean is that someone more educated about how it goes with the market and/or has released their own game will help you out a lot more effectively.

Franzinyte · April 5, 2018, 6:36pm

The first paragraph of the full description is a single sentence. I can understand it, but it’s hard to digest. Try breaking it into a few sentences.

Remove ‘yourself’ in “Play yourself as”. I think it’s unnecessary.

“Download this limited play demo” and “buy it to find your fortune” is confusing and doesn’t really persuade me into buying. I say just cut this paragraph.

Also, you say it’s funny in the previous sentence then describe it as hard-boiled here. It’s unclear if it contains elements of comedy or it’s serious survival. Focus on the mood of the story, and stick to it.

Other than that, I think it’s fine. The description sounds pretty ehh to me, although I did like the demo you posted a while back.

Anyway, that’s just my opinion. But yes, writing summaries/descriptions is hard. Good luck with it!

James2018 · April 5, 2018, 6:48pm

Exactly the kind of observations I need to hear - THANK YOU!

anon8836198 · April 5, 2018, 6:59pm

Yeap, it sounds odd when I read it. Maybe I’m just tired, but this long sentence merges and distorts halfway through, making me quickly lose interest. I think for a pitch, you should break it apart a bit. Punctuation would certainly do the trick for me.

Maybe something like “…as you descend two miles into the mystery and suspicion, with mortal danger awaiting at the bottom…”

James2018 · April 5, 2018, 7:06pm

THANKS! I chopped it into this below. Am I getting warmer?

JOIN our group of international misfits on the Salvage Team. On this deadly salvage mission, your job is to descend two miles into the mystery, suspicion and mortal dangers waiting for you at the bottom of the doomed Tartarus Deep Core Exploration gold mine. Determine what happened to the miners who died below and try to stay alive to escape from where no one has returned – to find your fortune, be a hero or die trying because this is hard-boiled survival/horror.

SALVAGE TEAM is a non-stop, 88,500 word interactive survival/horror novel by James Arnett, where your choices control the story. It’s entirely text-based – without graphics or sound effects – and fueled by the vast, unstoppable power of your imagination.

Step across the line into the unknown on this death defying, survival/horror that leverages the psychology of paranoia to compound the jeopardy with every desperate choice you make.

If you think you can take that kind of pressure – join the Salvage Team now!

Franzinyte · April 5, 2018, 7:14pm

That looks much better!

I think “be a hero or die trying in this hard-boiled survival/horror.” sounds better.

anon8836198 · April 5, 2018, 7:31pm

Yup, it’s getting warmer

This transition still doesn’t sit right with me though. I still think it’d be better to descend into X and Y, with Z waiting for you. Otherwise it’s not clear on the first glance if you descend into all three and how much of that waits for you at the bottom.

That’s just my opinion though. I wish you luck with these text tidbits, god knows they are a pain to write

James2018 · April 5, 2018, 7:32pm

After debugging and combing through the last draft, my brain has become a soft and mushy paperweight.

The_Lady_Luck · April 5, 2018, 7:35pm

Is the second “salvage” necessary? It feels weird for me, coming so soon after the first.

James2018 · April 5, 2018, 7:35pm

I have to hear it and focus on your opinion. I’m pretty burnt at this point. Thank you for helping me hone this into something coherent!

James2018 · April 5, 2018, 7:36pm

It is redundant, isn’t it? Fixing now. THANK YOU!

James2018 · April 5, 2018, 8:08pm

Maybe this is less ham-handed…

Join our group of international misfits on the Salvage Team. On this deadly mission, you descend two miles into a gruesome mystery, surrounded by suspicion, with mortal dangers waiting for you at the bottom of the doomed Tartarus Deep Core Exploration corporation’s gold mine.

Salvage Team is a non-stop, 88,500 word interactive survival/horror novel by James Arnett, where your choices control the story. It’s entirely text-based – without graphics or sound effects – and fueled by the vast, unstoppable power of your imagination.

Your job is to help determine what happened to the miners who died below – and try to stay alive to escape from where no one has returned – and maybe find your fortune, be a hero or die trying because this is hard-boiled survival/horror.

Step across the line into the unknown on this death defying, interactive fiction that leverages the psychology of paranoia to compound the jeopardy with every desperate choice you make.

If you think you can take that kind of pressure – download Salvage Team now!

James2018 · April 5, 2018, 8:07pm

Opening and closing with the ‘call to action’ (download) seems like a prerequisite, sandwiching what the game is about as the basic structure in the examples I saw, that had high numbers at Google Play.