On the topic of description, I see your point about keeping things vague for now, but in some cases, more description will increase immersion.
For example you wrote:
“The two of you just keep dancing, when the song is over you hug her and head toward the dining table. You grab a glass of wine and prepare to take a seat but suddenly a ballista rips though the roof killing four people. They are so mangled that you can’t tell who they are. Another round destroys the entire front portion of the house sending debris everywhere.”
Some extra info here would flesh it out. Maybe as you leave the dance floor, you hear loud mechanical sounds over the music (to indicate something is going on outside). Play up the panic and chaos that would occur as the ballista breaks open the roof. Are you knocked to the floor? What happens to the companion (in my case, Julia). Some extra info would enliven the world for the reader.
The later action sequences were well written, for example, "Darius yells something that you can’t make out and runs in the direction of the attacker, disappearing into the dense trees that line the rough path. Another arrow brushes your left shoulder. What are you going to do? "
The fact that you started different intros for each “class” is a great touch, as it made me want to try each one.
On the topic of the fourth wall, when the writing is all 2nd person POV, I don’t think it’s as big a deal in these types of games to maintain the wall.
It’s easier in the past tense than present tense. In Choice of Vampires, you’ll notice recollections keep the fourth wall. For example, "Your eyes momentarily focus on a figure near you, similarly pinned by timbers. Your companion. This man is important… yes… you remember meeting him recently. He introduced himself as… "
But when an activity is occurring right now, it usually adds to the action to be explicit:
"It takes several more nights for you to track down your quarry. Now, however, the interloper stands before you. He is a man of middling height, barrel-chested and still bearing the vestiges of a ruddy complexion; he was probably a farmer or lumberjack before receiving the gift of immortality. You have done your best not to be seen, and you think that you have succeeded.
How do you approach this miscreant? "
Now, it is possible and Marine Raider is a good example of a game that maintains it well: "‘Unknown, but the tides should be right to provide you with either a midnight or a dawn landing.’ Carlson looks to you, expecting an answer. "
This example prompts you for a choice but does so without phrasing it, “how do you reply to Carlson?”
That’s just make take on it. I admit, I have gone back and forth throughout my game on this issue.
Anyway, good luck and looking forward to your progress.
