I’ve been inspired by several authors to write my own game. There are no pretensions here - this is going to be a long work in progress and one that I’ll be perfecting over time. It is going to be a series.
This is the public-beta version of Helvetti Rising. It has last been updated on April 30, 2016.
Helvetti Rising is a mixture of history, myth and fantasy. Currently this work in progress has a total of roughly 35,000 words in the introduction and a completed stats page. The introduction is not finalized and is still under revision.
Book one (Helvetti Rising) is the introduction to your MC and their place in history.
Thank you for reading the beginning.
2/13/16 - Initial submission.
4/10/16 - rewrite 1 of Introduction
4/11/16 - minor updates to fix small things; working on larger update scheduled for "soon"
4/19/16 - basic editing and restructure work on intro. No new material introduced.
4/30/16 - Updated stats screen and name selection. Various minor text changes.
The setting feels very mystical, and reminds me of Outland with the character descriptions. It seems to be in fine form so far (grammar errors not withstanding), and its promising. Where do you plan on going with this, though?
Thank you for the kind words. After I get the technical background and introductory material out of the way, I plan on allowing the reader to customize the MC and his/her background details. As this is accomplished, the MC will be highlighted with their current friends, allies, foes and enemies. …
I like the story so far, there’s alot of promise in it. I found it to be rather interesting, that Tapio is in it, there’s too little representation on old religions/mythology that aren’t too widely known, like Suomenusko, Slavic mythology and Romuva.
I also found it to be amusing, in a good way, that you named the tribe “Hell”
Thank you for the kind words. My version of Tapio will undoubtedly be different than the true mythical version but I do hope he fulfills the potential you see. There are many traditions that have yet to be explored in detail. Perhaps you’ll see more influences down the road.
The only thing that kind of annoyed me was the many pages of writing with no choice - yet I couldn’t be too mad, because it is interesting. (I do like your style, and I know you said that you’ll expand on what you’ve written so I can’t wait to see that.)
This is a very interesting story so far. I love the mythology and can’t wait to see where you go with this. The start was a little rough but it will work itself out. Just continue doing a great job. I can’t wait for more!
The Helvetii! I can’t wait to get divided into three parts by some Italian in a red cloak!
I’ve given this a quick once-over, and I made a few setting notes (as opposed to spelling and grammar notes, which as anyone who’s read through the drafts of Guns of Infinity should know, I’m hardly qualified to offer):
“Einherjar and the defeat of Ceasar and his legions some 750 years ago.”
If the date of writing is 814, shouldn’t this be 850 years ago? Unless you’re referring to a different Caesar, of course (Germanicus, perhaps?).
I’m not too sure, but I believe the period’s still to early for Varangians. Likewise, considering the fact that the first Varangians were recruited from Scandinavians coming by way of Rus, I’m not sure if the two should be noted separately.
Another ambiguous one for me. While the schism over iconoclasm had occurred by this point, Irene was a noted iconodule, and she had made efforts towards ecumenicism in that regard. If nothing else, it would have been more politic to refer to the Franks as usurpers rather than heretics: after all, Charlemagne only the imperial crown (a crown which, by all rights, should have belonged to Irene) because the papacy had decided that a woman could not be Roman Emperor.
Personally, as another writer with a known penchant for writing long stretches of text without any choices, I would suggest making your branches longer to compensate. At the moment, the results of the player’s choices only lead to maybe a difference of a sentence or two over the next page. If you made the consequences of those choices longer, then each individual choice would seem to have more impact, which would lessen the effect of having choices fewer and further in between: it would mean that the player count be assured that despite the relative dearth of choices, each one would mean something substantial.
I wanted to thank everyone for their likes and commentary. Every bit contributed will fuel my inner fire to keep going.
Now to details:
This is the tentative schedule - as with all WiP it is liable to be revised:
Write a MC customization interlude - Everyone will be able to determine the Helvetti ideal make-up: maybe launch a poll when this update goes live…?
Update 2: Mother’s Tragedy - This is where the player will learn more about their mother and the consequences of killing her.
Update 3: Father’s Lament - The player’s relationship with their father is put to the test and we’ll see if the relationship survives events
Update 4: Brother’s Gambit - The older brother’s gambit plays out and the player initiates the Rising.
Any more than that revealed and I go too far.
Thank you for your kind words. Eventually, a day far far away, I do plan on rewriting the rough beginning. Thanks for slogging through it. The main thing is to get everything from brain to type first.
Thank you for joining the conversation @Cataphrak I am also happy your recognize a lot of the basics I’m using to tell my tale. As is expected you hit the crucial historical event stopping the rising from happening.
The grammar is a hot-mess. The setting notes are great feedback and much appreciated.
For my storyverse, I’m actually taking bits and pieces from all over time and mashing them all together to form an alternative reality filled with magic and mythology. It hopefully will provide things that are familiar but new as well.
[quote] “Einherjar and the defeat of Ceasar and his legions some 750 years ago.”
If the date of writing is 814, shouldn’t this be 850 years ago? Unless you’re referring to a different Caesar, of course (Germanicus, perhaps?). [/quote]
As I was writing free-flow at the time and relying on my swiss-cheese memory, dates are only approximate and scheduled to be revised “soon”. 814 was the year that Charlemagne’s daughter and Irene’s son were due to get married in our timeline. In my storyverse, I have the betrothal of her son to the heir of the Helvetti throne take its place on place of the former. Future events will show how this came about and why.
The referenced Caesar is actually non-historical and in this storyverse, the Iron Crown is very important and exists as the Roman crown. As a hint: Rome’s magic in this storyverse is tied to iron.
I’m not too sure, but I believe the period’s still to early for Varangians. Likewise, considering the fact that the first Varangians were recruited from Scandinavians coming by way of Rus, I’m not sure if the two should be noted separately [/quote]
This is part of my mishmash - the Varangians will be playing an important role in the third story to be written (assuming I make it that far). The Italian/Romans are the main focus for the first story, the Franks/French will be the focus of the second story and the Greek/Byzantines the focus of the third. … I actually intend the Varangians to be dominated by the later Anglo-Saxon version in weapons, armor and magic although keeping their Rus culture and genetics.
I have to be careful when taking from Suomenusko, and Romuva mythology because Tapio is of the same mythology and it could lead to issues.
[quote] “heritical Frank”
Another ambiguous one for me. While the schism over iconoclasm had occurred by this point, Irene was a noted iconodule, and she had made efforts towards ecumenicism in that regard. If nothing else, it would have been more politic to refer to the Franks as usurpers rather than heretics: after all, Charlemagne only the imperial crown (a crown which, by all rights, should have belonged to Irene) because the papacy had decided that a woman could not be Roman Emperor. [/quote]
Historically you are spot on even if the details could spark a lot of debate -
In my storyverse, the Catholic church has evolved to its 16th and 17th century versions and will actually be based in Canterbury. Rome’s religion is that of Caesar being god and the stealing of everyone else’s deities.
[quote] Personally, as another writer with a known penchant for writing long stretches of text without any choices, I would suggest making your branches longer to compensate. At the moment, the results of the player’s choices only lead to maybe a difference of a sentence or two over the next page. If you made the consequences of those choices longer, then each individual choice would seem to have more impact, which would lessen the effect of having choices fewer and further in between: it would mean that the player count be assured that despite the relative dearth of choices, each one would mean something substantial.
Thank you for your feedback. This is very much needed and I will be doing my best to incorporate everything into my writing. I’m still struggling with the coding so some of the expected depth is MIA at the moment. This feedback is very valuable in helping me focus on improving.
My feedback will be a little negative, but I really thing this could be great.
First character customization Why in hell I have to be ash color I am a grey alien? Why I have to start so suddenly with no background whatsoever about who I am I know I have a grumpy pantera as companion and I have to kill my mother without no context about anything else.
The wall of text about that, it’s interesting but annoying. It would be less annoying, if a tribe shaman explained your character the story in a night and our child mc could ask some questions about The cats and the huts and what means being the hunt . That’s would add a connection between us and the world.
And I hope could decide my character thoughts and goals and In what we are good or not exactly as in Guenevere. And if we believe in gods or not.
The story seems promising but Another intro would be better in my opinion. Also The stats lol, there are the choicescript_stats in the demo put others
Alright, so my critic is going to be mean and petty since most are artistic liberties you have taken I’m guessing. But I am from Europe and I am writing about Romans so here it goes. (It’s of the first three pages.)
Starting with the games name. I think you might mean the Helvetii instead of the Helvetti.
You start the game with the letter, which is fine but it’s really long till you get to make a decision, leaving the player to guess in what kind of world he is. (Is this being read in a castle or a palace. Are the people walking around in animal clothing or rich robes, you know, things like that.) You changed the history, but it isn’t quite clear to what you changed it.
The Einherjar were fallen warriors fighting and feasting till Ragnarök would take place. But it reads like you have made them into a single person. Which is fine, just pointing it out.
With regards to the Helvetian campaign was in 58 BC. The Helvetii were leaving the Alps and had in fact burned there town and city since to show that they would never return so they most likely would end up where Charlemagne would end up ruling.
If Caesar is beaten there is no emperor since Rome would remain a republic.
Norseland should most likely be something like Scandinavia as I don’t think Norseland has ever really been an area in Europe.
Your first class is given the jaguar, but it really wouldn’t like the climate. In fact, after looking it up none of your animals would have been in Europe, only in America. You only state with the first animal that they are given by the Gods. Perhaps you can make the reverence to all of them. Although none will really like it here, we are more wolfs and bears. Although not anymore as we pretty much killed them during our history. Also, Tapio is married to Mielikki, who created the bear.
Grammar wise I’m not certain you can have a mythical cat from an unknown land. They either know where it came from or they have never heard of the beast before. I might be wrong there.
Your four classes that make up the Helvetii , Verbigeni, Tigurini, Tougeni and unknown, are fine, I am guessing you warrior class are based on the Teutons, who were germans, not celtic.
You can’t see the northern light in the alps. You need to be in Norway, Canada, Island, Sweden, Finland or further up north.
It’s the Valkyrie who guild the dead, after which Odin judges them and they might end up Einherjar.
I know very little about Tapio other then that he is a Finish spirit and the father of the god of the hunt, Nyyrikki. No comments there other then that it’s a big task for a spirit to take on the Gods.
You might mean Odin and Frigg (his wife). Although Freya also qualify as a major goddess.
Once again, I’m not trying to be mean / rude etc. Especailly since you have been a huge help with my game. But these are things you might want to here early on so you can decide if you want to do something with it.
I thought this game is placed in another universe where germania was a mixture between Norse and Celtic tribes with fauna from North America. Because If this is placed in real Europe as a history student this have so many mistakes that would be really painful to read, as you already pointed out some. However, as a placed in a unique universe similar to our old history could be really cool and original.
Well, at least part of the game has to be placed in another timeline, but it’s somewhat unclear to me how big the differences are. There are the names and places that are globally correct, but there is direct contact with the Gods. So it’s somewhat confusing to me personally. Like everyone here is saying, it can become a great story, but I think it would help to have a bit clearer overview of the world. It’s given in the details, but it’s lacking what your part is in it.
Which is the reason why I stopped after three pages correcting when the story jumps to the year 66. You go from 184 to several hundred years before Caesar to the year 66 in 4 pages.
I think that the idea is was that the first few pages serve as a foreword (not the word I am looking for, but you might understand what I mean). But because you don’t have any choices in it, it might get people to stop reading the lore that is being writen.
First off, Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! This day, the romantic in me gets to come out a bit
Some really good, constructive feedback coming in - that’s awesome. I also see more likes, another honor
Now to some specifics:
Thank you Mara for your constructive feedback! With your help and others’ I too hope the story I write will become great. Negative is o.k. as long as it is constructive and not harmful.
[quote=“poison_mara, post:12, topic:15067”]
First character customization Why in hell I have to be ash color I am a grey alien? Why I have to start so suddenly with no background whatsoever about who I am I know I have a grumpy pantera as companion and I have to kill my mother without no context about anything else.[/quote]
The ash color is the color your skin turns at night, the time when Tapio’s divine gift (curse?) is strongest in your blood.
Your not an alien, silly! You are a demi-god/dess … Einherjar. I will make this clearer.
You called Panthera grumpy? That’s quite the compliment
Ya, your mother has no plot armor in this story. Hopefully with more of the story given, the reasons for this will be made clearer. All I can do is ask for patience here.
[quote=“poison_mara, post:12, topic:15067”]
The wall of text about that, it’s interesting but annoying. It would be less annoying, if a tribe shaman explained your character the story in a night and our child mc could ask some questions about The cats and the huts and what means being the hunt . That’s would add a connection between us and the world. [/quote]
It is more apparent that I’m going to have to rewrite the beginning. Sooner than later. I have a lot to think on today. The bonded cats and the Wild Hunt are part of your tribe’s magic. It is what makes Helvetti different than others.
Eventually my hope is to be as rich and complex as Guinevere’s world is. Learning the stat portion of Choice_Script is a challenge for me right now - like you once told me: it is a pain in the ***.
As to whether you believe in the gods, the Churches, mythical creatures seen and unseen - I do hope to allow you freedom in that area. One warning tho - Tapio will be doing his best to interfere with everything you do; he’s going to be like everywhere
Exactly! And one of my favorite compliments so far, thanks
[quote=“Lancer, post:15, topic:15067, full:true”]
Interesting I like how you mix history and fantasy in it.[/quote]
Thank you Lancer - I was hoping the mix of history and fantasy would appeal to fans of both.
Great to have your expert eye and knowledge help! Thanks for taking the time from your busy schedule to give feedback.
One comment about the Romans in my story before we go further: They are a total mishmash of the historical - from every era, and I will be borrowing elements from them all. Expect to see Hadrian’s Wall in my story but you might be surprised it is in Lombardy instead of England… oh, another spoiler
the emperor will be fiddling as Rome burns of course instead of the historical fact, in my story the emperor and the devil will be having a contest over souls as it happens but this is all much later in the story.
I will address the rest of your two posts later, right now I have Valentine’s Day to get ready for