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Seriously, thats one SLOW Intro! Way too cluttered. Too many ‘Pre-Intro’.
Just like that, you could lose half your audience…because it won’t end.
Also, you mean PROLOGUE not PROLOUGE…cause its everywhere now. PROLOUGE…or did you mean PROLONGE the suffering…mine!
Where is the STORY???
All I do is listen to a computer talk, and insert HereSTUFF
Where is the story???
Holy guacamole man. I just couldn’t. Your opening is there to help capture your audeince and many don’t want to wait to get to the good bits.
My advice is cut down all the starting fluff and get to the part many people would enjoy. More natraully intergrate the additonal stat bonuses into the story rather then create mutilple different prompts. However, if you keep those, remove the constant mention of it being a prologue. Constant reminder can break any immersion you build and draw the reader out of the world.
Halfway through the prologue, I just stopped it. The prologue is meant to entice people into wanting to read more not bore them out of their minds
I’m glad others said it. I’ve hesitated posting this as I’ve been watching this project from the first few threads that got taken down. I see that you’ve put a lot of effort into this, and don’t want to give you more of a hard time, but these are my observations.
If I wanted to be polite I’d say it’s unique. It’s certainly unlike most games on here. Both in style of writing and what I think it’s trying to accomplish? (Less of a story more of a free form sandbox rpg.)
If I want to be blunt; it’s not fun to play or read. In fact, it’s very boring. It is a slog to get through. The word tedious came to mind several times while I tried to “play” this “game.” It just kept going on topics that I didn’t find remotely interesting.
Some pages honestly felt more akin to excerpts from textbooks than an engaging narrative, and I personally didn’t appreciate having to manually enter every other choice.
I also think there isn’t any story structure mainly due to the fact that you prioritized an expository dump over… a story. Instead of being introduced to the world through events and characters, it’s like the moment I stepped into your world, a textbook was flung in my face and I was given a pop quiz.
The whole thing felt disorienting. Who am I? Am I being questioned about my life by a cosmic being? Did I hit my head and start dreaming? Where the hell am I? Why am I being lectured on a universe I supposedly inhabit?
And if I’m being fair, I don’t really like verbose/purple prose writing in general. But I specifically do not like when a piece of fiction insists upon its greatness. Whilst reading, and it might have just been me, I got the sense that the narrator is 100000% sure that this is the greatest piece of fiction I’ve ever put my eyes on. It’s like all those words are not there to add description and life to the story, but to tell the reader that yes, you do in fact know them.
I’m not discouraging confidence in your work, but this is more like pride. Pride with the failure to follow through unfortunately.
Okey friend, if you have notes and disclaimers you can place it right here, in your post like any other authors have done in their demo post. I have to click the button six times to get into the “pre-prologue” part.
If you insist placing the notes in game then make a choice command, it’s kinda irritate me when I have to click the button so many times just to get in the story.
Thankyou for your input. I will shorten the beginning. I would not want to deter people from reading further.
Thankyou for your input. The disclaimers were supposed to have some humor value; but, I can see they were just irritating and dry. I will likely remove them. They were not real.
Thankyou for your input. I do think that what I put out is very good; however, this is why we exchange reviews like this. In spite of what you may think; you all have touched upon an important issue I need to fix. The beginning sucks; and, I understand what you are saying. This is not a hard fix and I will fix it very soon. I would encourage those who are willing to keep reading. The beginning belongs in a glossary somewhere and was only interesting to my nephews; I get it.
Thankyou for your input. It is always embarrassing when you misspell a word that is used a lot . I have to admit, I am not a great speller and unfortunately missed that one. I actually agree with you all about the beginning. It was written a lot farther back in time; and, I should of thrown it out all together. I actually enjoy the hard science behind fantasy; but, this is not about what I enjoy. Again, it can just get shoved into a book on the shelf. I would encourage you to read farther if you have not suffered too terribly.
Thankyou for your input. Going to shorten it up a lot
@DrewWolf2–in the future, please combine responses to multiple people into a single post. Thanks!
The story has good bones, it needs refinement which it sounds like your intending to work on. Otherwise I enjoyed the peek we got to see. Was it a lot of info right up front? Yeah but once the game play started it had me entertained.
Yes! Oh thankyou Sierra. I am going to shorten the “prologue” thing. I am a philosophy major and the prologue was to dense, boring, and preachy I think is what everyone was trying to say while laughing at me. It was not supposed to be preachy but philosophical; although why and the heck am I stalling to get right into the fun part. Yes, I will be changing the whole philosophical, introspective, prologue into maybe a simple allocation of some base stats. I needed to shorten the game anyways right? Thankyou so much for playing. I really believe in this story…and…it gets better and better. Once you get out of Berkley, you really get into a gaming experience. I tried to go back and polish the start as I got better at coding. But, I didn’t change the writing…and that gave the whole thing bad breath…I can see that now very clearly. I will do that now. You have given me a kernel of hope. Bless your soul
nobody was laughing at you.
We gave you feedback. Which is the purpose of posting an early WIP(WIP=work in progress).
For your Prologue, the issue is why every slide said ‘Prologue’? How many prologues do you have? You only need 1.
The other issue you have is the amount of ‘Type Here’. Why? Don’t you use choices? Does your game take into account people who misspell? Who English isn’t their 1st language at all?
I will actually keep the “type here” aspect. Any language will do. You have to read further to understand why those questions are put in there. But I will just tell you…they are in there to bring a personal experience into the game. If you typed “Papaya” as a food you like…then perhaps you might find a Papaya later on in the game somewhere. If you misspell a word…“who cares?” You are the only one reading the story. Spelling only matters on my end, right? I do wish I could put in accents on letters but even that does not take away from the experience. You inserted a laughing emoji into your response… so you tell me how I should take that? Anyhow, and anyways, I took your advice to heart and I am making some changes early on to get into the action faster. I have already received a response from someone who continued to play the game; they thought it was entertaining. I just need to rework the introduction part. The science I will put in a book on the shelf and the philosophy I will toss-out. You will find every page titled because, as I understand, there is no soft save function on a published game. I want the reader to know exactly where they are in the story if they take a pause. As you progress through the story, the titles are actually funny and part of it all. This just may not be the game for you; but, I will nevertheless listen to your ideas. Have a wonderful day!
Update: I condensed the introduction to encourage players to progress farther into the story. This is not a permanent solution; and, I will continue to work on something with more finesse. Thankyou for your insight. The show must go on!
Update 2: fixed the “name your hero’” issue caused by update 1. Updates should not effect any games in progress. Most updates will revolve around the “introduction” (first 10 pages).
Update 3: Added missing pictures to 2nd Chapter. If you find any missing pictures please tell me and I will fix it right away. There should be no missing anything or errors. Enjoy!
“You quickly remove, then hide in a pile of straw, your leather jacket and black cloak. You make a run for the docks while stripping-off articles of clothing as you go. Earlier, you recall seeing Ralph with a leather thong of large, wooden, lever-keys hanging from his belt when you docked. Not many people would have a key to anything in Berkley let alone a jail cell. You arrive at the docks stark naked, collect your breath, and walk calmly toward Ralph at the end. You stop mid-stride thinking “He will recognize me you idiot.” You look around and find a wheelbarrow full of mud. “I’ll paint my face with mud! Genius!” you think. You so hastily begin smearing on the mud, in the crisp night, you fail to realize that it is…shit. “Fuck…well, too late now…” You finish smearing on your shit-mask-facial and walk proudly toward Ralph.”
Excuse me whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!?