Fables: Part I V.0.06 [42k Words, 8/4/17] *Abandoned*

Hey, its me again haha. Played through this again, i think one thing you need to look out for is the tenses. Past and present tense being used in the same line can be q jarring.

Will dm you typos and scrn shots!

@nauhziy
Thanks for those catches!

Update!

I have updated the game with bug fixes, some rewritten scenes, cut out some things and added some things. Chapter 0 will have a bit more added to it, but not much. I had a good bit written, but I stopped when I realized that it was taking so long to get to the real story. So I copied it and dumped it into a google doc and started to write something else for it. It won’t take very long to update it with more content since I’m just taking a different route in writing it- if that makes sense.

Also, I added something in once when I figured out how I wanted to add it in. (That doesn’t really make sense but anyways…) Going off of my idea for gray morality in this game, I wanted to add in changing moralities in the characters, meaning the MC can encourage different views for them. It will be a specific part that the MC can do this later in the game. I.E.

Person A (Has a “light” morality): I think that it’s not okay to sacrifice X people to achieve X goal, we can save X people and achieve X goal.
MC: BUT there’s a chance that that doesn’t work so let’s sacrifice X people to achieve X goal because we save more people that way in the end.
Person A (Now has a “gray” morality): Huh you’re right.

That’s a poor example, but I think the explanation is across? (Of course, it won’t be that easy to change their mind, but it’s just an example.)

Here are the moralities of characters. (Note: The MC can’t change all of the characters’ moralities only some.)

Changable

Eren - “light”
Calliope - “gray”
Phoenix - “gray”
Cristos - “light”
Abbot - “light”
Hanan - “gray”
Paz - “light”
Griffin - “gray”
Atlas -“gray”

Not Changable

Aquila - “dark”
Tories - “gray”
Rowan - “light”
Boaz - “dark”
Nettie - “dark”
Leif - “light”
Mockingbird - “dark”
Ranger - “dark”

I’ve added more achievements, but I also put “hidden” and “blank blank” in their descriptions and some of their names so no one can peek at them and get spoilers. :wink:

I’m still working on the test for the difficulties, but you can peek at what’s done right now. Which is basically nothing at all :’)))))

As always, you can reply here with bug fixes, questions, feedback and any other things, or message me directly. I will work on chapter 0 as much as I can this weekend, but this weekend is a bit spotty in scheduling so, I don’t have an estimate when I’ll update again other than it will be less than a week.

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Yay an update, the hype is real man!

Oops, ran into a bug

But otherwise I really enjoyed it! Thank you for spoiling us with an update

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@Spectrellium
Thank you for that! I’ve fixed it!

I forgot to mention that the reason those changing moralities are important because down the line, the MC is going to make some decisions that conflict with some characters, and the MC will have an easier time getting them on their side if said decision fell in line with their morality shade. (Time for another poor example!)

MC: We must do X because reasons!
Person A: Alright seems legit.
Person B: Nah man that doesn’t sound right.
MC: Haha! I know this conflicts with your views but because we’re best friends I can change your mind on that!
Person B: Okay I get it now. I’m on your side bro

So, the MC can still get them on their side if they have a high enough relationship, but if that fails then it’s a relationship penalty but not much more. The second and third book will have more dire consequences as the stakes are raised…

I wanted to leave room for the MC to be able to change character minds on certain decisions if they didn’t want to mess with their moralities. If left alone, I already planned out archs for all of the characters, but the MC can have a heavy hand in shaping them if they want.

I think that’s everything, I’ll reply again if I realize I forgot something.

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@Chancen
I think this is a bug?

Found this while playing the female path

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Me too ! Ive been getting this on all my supposed playthroughs and pulling my hair at it, it perhaps has something to do with the difficulty, narrator to be specific, Since thats the only difficulty ive been playin on

edito amigo; Noope, just tried it out again with a edgy rebel vamp champ on normal and still got it

That is a bug, my indentation was off and I just fixed it. Thanks for telling me guys!

Lot of thank to you too for responding fast

i love the story plot, and how you are planning to develop the characters. i can’t wait until this fully comes out! but about some of the feedback questions…
-i feel like character appearances should be left to our imagination. it just seems more unique to the reader.
-i think, if you can, adding more paths and choices will benefit the story and keep the reader interested. it can also improve relationships, and determine what type of person you’ll be! (ex: get involved in something or keep quiet, stand up for someone or be a bystander)

good luck!

Thank you for your support!

Yeah, I decided against writing specific descriptions for characters because…

  1. I don’t want to impose my own idea of what the characters look like, I’d rather leave that to the reader.
  2. I’m not very good at writing appearances for people to be honest. I’m swell at scenery, but I fall flat on people and even animals for that matter. Though, that could only be remedied with practice… I suppose I should take this as an opportunity to practice descriptions for people, but I won’t. At least not “canonically”, I’ll probably write them for myself but won’t release them here.

Plus, I don’t think I have the ability to really describe how I see the characters. I think any appearance I write for them just wouldn’t fit what I see in my head.

To the second thing, I’ve seen some parts where I worry that I drone on too long, but then again that could be me overthinking some parts. If I could ask, would you point out specific areas where you feel there could be improvement? I would be very grateful!

P.S. I’d like to think that the whole story has plenty of times where there are choices like you said, not in the current game since the MC is only a kid and can only do so much. But, when they are all grown up after chapter 0 then those choices will start to pop up more often.

I say more often because there’s a few specific parts in chapter 0 where the MC may find themself in between dire choices…

Edit: I am someone who believes that characters really carry the story, so I’ve put in a lot of effort in trying to really flesh them all out. Down to their upbringing, why they do the things they do, likes, dislikes, hopes, and fears- the whole nine. I only hope that work shows up when the MC officially meets them all and gets to know them.

Edit 2: (I know) That’s not to say that characters can carry a poor story alone, I mean a decent plot and story would help a lot. (Hopefully last edit…)

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Quite a few comments/typos, so I'll collapse them:

You wake from your dream… nightmare… whatever it was, to see your classroom with its mighty white clean tiles and walls

What is mighty about them? :confused: Also, as “white” is inherent to the tiles and “clean” is not, they should be ordered “clean white”.

AEGIS was the name of the military that served under the world government, The Sovereignty.

This sounds a little clinical. Maybe “AEGIS, the military that serves under the world government, The Sovereignty” would work better? :thinking:

It wasn’t unusual for them to regularly patrol your around your school since it was in the northern parts of the city, it was weird for them to drive so slow however…

Should this be in past tense? It looks like you generally use present tense elsewhere. (Actually, it’s looking like you slip into past tense quite a bit for more explanatory passages…)

Sometimes they looked and treated you like you weren’t human, but you are human… You’re pretty sure your parents were- or are- human, and you’re pretty sure that if you weren’t actually human you would’ve showed some signs by now.

The phrasing here seems a little weird, although I’m not sure how to improve it. :thinking: (Also, although this is pretty nitpicky, you should probably use dashes, “–” or “—”, instead of hyphens, “-”, around the “or are”.)

AEGIS is the military of The Sovereignty, the world government.

You already said that… :confused:

No on greets you at the door

Should be “no one”.

“Hiya Axel!” It’s your friend Aquila.

Maybe you could add “who lives nearby” to the end of this, just for clarity.

“My mom likes my hair better long.” They would say.

This is a single sentence, so it should be: “My mom likes my hair better long,” they would say.

The ring leader was almost twice your size and it was either he hit puberty early or he was going to become a really big guy when he grew up.

The “it was” doesn’t really work here (or you could add something like “probable that” afterwards). (Also, past tense again.)

You and Aquila are trying to fight off the older kids but it’s no use, they’re too big, too trained from SODA for you to handle. Soon you’re on the ground with your arms and hands held up to protect your face, your eyes are closed and you don’t know where your friend is.

Since it only lasts a sentence, “try to” would work better here. Also, as I used the flying kick, my MC was already on the ground when from the previous paragraph…

“That’s him right there, righ there I tell you!"

Should be “right”.

I note that my age is still 9 even into Chapter 0.

Also, I noticed this in the code:

*if not (gender = "male") or (gender = "female")
  unisex bathroom all to your self.
  *goto baex
*else
  ${boy}s bathroom all to your self.
  *goto baex
*label baex

This gets me to “unisex”… It looks like you set the genders to “Male” and “Female” at the beginning, not “male” and “female”. Also, you should group them in parentheses or the not will only apply to the first, i.e. *if not((gender = "Male") or (gender = "Female")).

You heard that the floor below you had urinals that started spraying water out of now where.

Should be “nowhere”.

To be torn from your old life and to be treated like some crminal?

“Criminal”.

a failled gesture since you still can’t.

“Failed”.

Sorry there are so many… :sweat_smile: But they’re mainly minor grammatical things and typos.

Also, is there any chance of meeting Cristos again soon? :innocent:

Good luck with the game! :smile:

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Yay, update.

Also, a suggestion.

Ever thought about making the character creation process a bit more…immersive? I’m sure there’s a more creative way than just asking the player about their species and skin color and all that junk.

Like, maybe after the teacher wakes you up from the dream and you do whatever interaction you desire with the snickering students, the MC would look at their desk and find a form to fill out or something along the lines.

But at that time, the MC will still think they’re human. So maybe have them write down their species as a human, but say afterwards"Little did they know, they’re actually a ___".

Just a suggestion.

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That seems a little twee… But yeah, it could certainly be worked in more naturally. Perhaps if it was done as part of the dream? :thinking:

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@ParrotWatcher
Thank you for catching those! My grammar is pretty poor for someone whose first, and only language is English. I’ll have those fixed as soon as I am able to.

Edit 2: I just realized I completely skipped over your question, but Cristos does show up again in this chapter albeit brief… and some other characters who haven’t been seen yet show up.

@AAO
Yes, I have thought about changing the whole character creation process more than a few times. The reason it is the way it is now, is because I sort of wanted to design it like how you would enter character creation in an rpg. Like the Dark Souls or Bioware games. But I can take a second look at it and change it so it kind of fits in more.

Edit: I’d have to think of some subtle way to put in that if the MC isn’t human, to say that they aren’t when they think so… since MCs who are cambions, nephilims, or shifters are born as such and werewolf and vampire MCs are turned later.

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I guess you could stick the majority of it at the start of Chapter 0, when we’re looking in the mirror? (The gender selection would probably have to happen earlier, though.)

I could do that, but doing it that way has been used a lot and it would be too easy… and to hell with making anything easy for myself!

I’ve got an idea for moving all of it around, like mentioning that the MC has the same hair and/or eyes as their parents/siblings. (Orphan and street rat MCs would speculate that they do.) Height could come later in chapter 0 the MC could say that they are yadda yadda height at a certain age, maybe mention that the weird fluorescent lighting in the classroom in the beginning makes their [insert color here] skin look a little blue. Etc. Etc.

For the races, I’m a bit stuck on. I want to make it obvious, but not too obvious that the MC thinks that they are human when they may or may not be. I thought I pulled it off with cambions, nephilims and shifters during the background picking part, but it seems that I didn’t. Werewolf and vampire MCs will be harder since the MC is human until they are turned later.

I’m gonna play with all these ideas a bit more before I’m set on anything, I’d also like to hear anyone’s thoughts on the matter too.

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At what age will the vampire MCs get turned since humans who get turned into vampires don’t age ?

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It’d be funny if we got turned at like, twelve or something. Then later on there are a bunch of grown men and women adventuring and killing monsters while obeying the orders of a kid.

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