Hey, its me again haha. Played through this again, i think one thing you need to look out for is the tenses. Past and present tense being used in the same line can be q jarring.
Will dm you typos and scrn shots!
@nauhziy
Thanks for those catches!
Update!
I have updated the game with bug fixes, some rewritten scenes, cut out some things and added some things. Chapter 0 will have a bit more added to it, but not much. I had a good bit written, but I stopped when I realized that it was taking so long to get to the real story. So I copied it and dumped it into a google doc and started to write something else for it. It wonât take very long to update it with more content since Iâm just taking a different route in writing it- if that makes sense.
Also, I added something in once when I figured out how I wanted to add it in. (That doesnât really make sense but anywaysâŚ) Going off of my idea for gray morality in this game, I wanted to add in changing moralities in the characters, meaning the MC can encourage different views for them. It will be a specific part that the MC can do this later in the game. I.E.
Person A (Has a âlightâ morality): I think that itâs not okay to sacrifice X people to achieve X goal, we can save X people and achieve X goal.
MC: BUT thereâs a chance that that doesnât work so letâs sacrifice X people to achieve X goal because we save more people that way in the end.
Person A (Now has a âgrayâ morality): Huh youâre right.
Thatâs a poor example, but I think the explanation is across? (Of course, it wonât be that easy to change their mind, but itâs just an example.)
Here are the moralities of characters. (Note: The MC canât change all of the charactersâ moralities only some.)
Changable
Eren - âlightâ
Calliope - âgrayâ
Phoenix - âgrayâ
Cristos - âlightâ
Abbot - âlightâ
Hanan - âgrayâ
Paz - âlightâ
Griffin - âgrayâ
Atlas -âgrayâ
Not Changable
Aquila - âdarkâ
Tories - âgrayâ
Rowan - âlightâ
Boaz - âdarkâ
Nettie - âdarkâ
Leif - âlightâ
Mockingbird - âdarkâ
Ranger - âdarkâ
Iâve added more achievements, but I also put âhiddenâ and âblank blankâ in their descriptions and some of their names so no one can peek at them and get spoilers. 
Iâm still working on the test for the difficulties, but you can peek at whatâs done right now. Which is basically nothing at all :â)))))
As always, you can reply here with bug fixes, questions, feedback and any other things, or message me directly. I will work on chapter 0 as much as I can this weekend, but this weekend is a bit spotty in scheduling so, I donât have an estimate when Iâll update again other than it will be less than a week.
10 Likes
Yay an update, the hype is real man!
2 Likes
@Spectrellium
Thank you for that! Iâve fixed it!
I forgot to mention that the reason those changing moralities are important because down the line, the MC is going to make some decisions that conflict with some characters, and the MC will have an easier time getting them on their side if said decision fell in line with their morality shade. (Time for another poor example!)
MC: We must do X because reasons!
Person A: Alright seems legit.
Person B: Nah man that doesnât sound right.
MC: Haha! I know this conflicts with your views but because weâre best friends I can change your mind on that!
Person B: Okay I get it now. Iâm on your side bro
So, the MC can still get them on their side if they have a high enough relationship, but if that fails then itâs a relationship penalty but not much more. The second and third book will have more dire consequences as the stakes are raisedâŚ
I wanted to leave room for the MC to be able to change character minds on certain decisions if they didnât want to mess with their moralities. If left alone, I already planned out archs for all of the characters, but the MC can have a heavy hand in shaping them if they want.
I think thatâs everything, Iâll reply again if I realize I forgot something.
2 Likes
@Chancen
I think this is a bug?
Me too ! Ive been getting this on all my supposed playthroughs and pulling my hair at it, it perhaps has something to do with the difficulty, narrator to be specific, Since thats the only difficulty ive been playin on
edito amigo; Noope, just tried it out again with a edgy rebel vamp champ on normal and still got it
That is a bug, my indentation was off and I just fixed it. Thanks for telling me guys!
Lot of thank to you too for responding fast
i love the story plot, and how you are planning to develop the characters. i canât wait until this fully comes out! but about some of the feedback questionsâŚ
-i feel like character appearances should be left to our imagination. it just seems more unique to the reader.
-i think, if you can, adding more paths and choices will benefit the story and keep the reader interested. it can also improve relationships, and determine what type of person youâll be! (ex: get involved in something or keep quiet, stand up for someone or be a bystander)
good luck!
Thank you for your support!
Yeah, I decided against writing specific descriptions for characters becauseâŚ
- I donât want to impose my own idea of what the characters look like, Iâd rather leave that to the reader.
- Iâm not very good at writing appearances for people to be honest. Iâm swell at scenery, but I fall flat on people and even animals for that matter. Though, that could only be remedied with practice⌠I suppose I should take this as an opportunity to practice descriptions for people, but I wonât. At least not âcanonicallyâ, Iâll probably write them for myself but wonât release them here.
Plus, I donât think I have the ability to really describe how I see the characters. I think any appearance I write for them just wouldnât fit what I see in my head.
To the second thing, Iâve seen some parts where I worry that I drone on too long, but then again that could be me overthinking some parts. If I could ask, would you point out specific areas where you feel there could be improvement? I would be very grateful!
P.S. Iâd like to think that the whole story has plenty of times where there are choices like you said, not in the current game since the MC is only a kid and can only do so much. But, when they are all grown up after chapter 0 then those choices will start to pop up more often.
I say more often because thereâs a few specific parts in chapter 0 where the MC may find themself in between dire choicesâŚ
Edit: I am someone who believes that characters really carry the story, so Iâve put in a lot of effort in trying to really flesh them all out. Down to their upbringing, why they do the things they do, likes, dislikes, hopes, and fears- the whole nine. I only hope that work shows up when the MC officially meets them all and gets to know them.
Edit 2: (I know) Thatâs not to say that characters can carry a poor story alone, I mean a decent plot and story would help a lot. (Hopefully last editâŚ)
4 Likes
Quite a few comments/typos, so I'll collapse them:
You wake from your dream⌠nightmare⌠whatever it was, to see your classroom with its mighty white clean tiles and walls
What is mighty about them? 
Also, as âwhiteâ is inherent to the tiles and âcleanâ is not, they should be ordered âclean whiteâ.
AEGIS was the name of the military that served under the world government, The Sovereignty.
This sounds a little clinical. Maybe âAEGIS, the military that serves under the world government, The Sovereigntyâ would work better? 
It wasnât unusual for them to regularly patrol your around your school since it was in the northern parts of the city, it was weird for them to drive so slow howeverâŚ
Should this be in past tense? It looks like you generally use present tense elsewhere. (Actually, itâs looking like you slip into past tense quite a bit for more explanatory passagesâŚ)
Sometimes they looked and treated you like you werenât human, but you are human⌠Youâre pretty sure your parents were- or are- human, and youâre pretty sure that if you werenât actually human you wouldâve showed some signs by now.
The phrasing here seems a little weird, although Iâm not sure how to improve it. (Also, although this is pretty nitpicky, you should probably use dashes, âââ or âââ, instead of hyphens, â-â, around the âor areâ.)
AEGIS is the military of The Sovereignty, the world government.
You already said thatâŚ
No on greets you at the door
Should be âno oneâ.
âHiya Axel!â Itâs your friend Aquila.
Maybe you could add âwho lives nearbyâ to the end of this, just for clarity.
âMy mom likes my hair better long.â They would say.
This is a single sentence, so it should be: âMy mom likes my hair better long,â they would say.
The ring leader was almost twice your size and it was either he hit puberty early or he was going to become a really big guy when he grew up.
The âit wasâ doesnât really work here (or you could add something like âprobable thatâ afterwards). (Also, past tense again.)
You and Aquila are trying to fight off the older kids but itâs no use, theyâre too big, too trained from SODA for you to handle. Soon youâre on the ground with your arms and hands held up to protect your face, your eyes are closed and you donât know where your friend is.
Since it only lasts a sentence, âtry toâ would work better here. Also, as I used the flying kick, my MC was already on the ground when from the previous paragraphâŚ
âThatâs him right there, righ there I tell you!"
Should be ârightâ.
I note that my age is still 9 even into Chapter 0.
Also, I noticed this in the code:
*if not (gender = "male") or (gender = "female")
unisex bathroom all to your self.
*goto baex
*else
${boy}s bathroom all to your self.
*goto baex
*label baex
This gets me to âunisexâ⌠It looks like you set the genders to âMaleâ and âFemaleâ at the beginning, not âmaleâ and âfemaleâ. Also, you should group them in parentheses or the not will only apply to the first, i.e. *if not((gender = "Male") or (gender = "Female")).
You heard that the floor below you had urinals that started spraying water out of now where.
Should be ânowhereâ.
To be torn from your old life and to be treated like some crminal?
âCriminalâ.
a failled gesture since you still canât.
âFailedâ.
Sorry there are so many⌠
But theyâre mainly minor grammatical things and typos.
Also, is there any chance of meeting Cristos again soon? 
Good luck with the game! 
1 Like
Yay, update.
Also, a suggestion.
Ever thought about making the character creation process a bit moreâŚimmersive? Iâm sure thereâs a more creative way than just asking the player about their species and skin color and all that junk.
Like, maybe after the teacher wakes you up from the dream and you do whatever interaction you desire with the snickering students, the MC would look at their desk and find a form to fill out or something along the lines.
But at that time, the MC will still think theyâre human. So maybe have them write down their species as a human, but say afterwards"Little did they know, theyâre actually a ___".
Just a suggestion.
5 Likes
That seems a little twee⌠But yeah, it could certainly be worked in more naturally. Perhaps if it was done as part of the dream?
2 Likes
@ParrotWatcher
Thank you for catching those! My grammar is pretty poor for someone whose first, and only language is English. Iâll have those fixed as soon as I am able to.
Edit 2: I just realized I completely skipped over your question, but Cristos does show up again in this chapter albeit brief⌠and some other characters who havenât been seen yet show up.
@AAO
Yes, I have thought about changing the whole character creation process more than a few times. The reason it is the way it is now, is because I sort of wanted to design it like how you would enter character creation in an rpg. Like the Dark Souls or Bioware games. But I can take a second look at it and change it so it kind of fits in more.
Edit: Iâd have to think of some subtle way to put in that if the MC isnât human, to say that they arenât when they think so⌠since MCs who are cambions, nephilims, or shifters are born as such and werewolf and vampire MCs are turned later.
6 Likes
I guess you could stick the majority of it at the start of Chapter 0, when weâre looking in the mirror? (The gender selection would probably have to happen earlier, though.)
I could do that, but doing it that way has been used a lot and it would be too easy⌠and to hell with making anything easy for myself!
Iâve got an idea for moving all of it around, like mentioning that the MC has the same hair and/or eyes as their parents/siblings. (Orphan and street rat MCs would speculate that they do.) Height could come later in chapter 0 the MC could say that they are yadda yadda height at a certain age, maybe mention that the weird fluorescent lighting in the classroom in the beginning makes their [insert color here] skin look a little blue. Etc. Etc.
For the races, Iâm a bit stuck on. I want to make it obvious, but not too obvious that the MC thinks that they are human when they may or may not be. I thought I pulled it off with cambions, nephilims and shifters during the background picking part, but it seems that I didnât. Werewolf and vampire MCs will be harder since the MC is human until they are turned later.
Iâm gonna play with all these ideas a bit more before Iâm set on anything, Iâd also like to hear anyoneâs thoughts on the matter too.
2 Likes
At what age will the vampire MCs get turned since humans who get turned into vampires donât age ?
2 Likes
Itâd be funny if we got turned at like, twelve or something. Then later on there are a bunch of grown men and women adventuring and killing monsters while obeying the orders of a kid.
2 Likes