Elves & Aliens (WIP)


#1

Hello all! I have been working on a story for a long while now and two days ago I decided to turn it into a text-based game. As I am new to coding you can only play as 5 different characters and the choices are very limited. It is still in the very early stages but I feel it’s best to get feedback as soon as possible. Please tell me which characters you liked and which characters you disliked, the same goes for the races as well. If you notice any spelling mistakes, grammar mistakes or sentences that just don’t sound right, please tell me.

So, thank you in advance for reading my story and for your feedback. I hope you enjoy it. :smile:

Description:

The glorious (insert name here) is going to save the world from the evil in the lands. What or whom that evil is, you’re going to have to decide for yourself. You can play as an elf, dragon, giant, troll, or a watcher.

Link: https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/s/ffam65so25fsdcc/Elves%20%26%20Aliens-compiled.htm?dl=0


#2

I found this on the description of dragons on the second page
"they allow other species to farm their and domesticate animals."


#3

If it weren’t for the title ‘Elves & Aliens’ I probably wouldn’t be playing your game right now. I decided to read through the backstory, 'cause I like lore very much, and I must say that I’m so far enjoying your take on Elves. This line: “If they try to tell someone who the Elven-Queen is, they burst into flames and die” made me laugh. It was so blunt…

When I read about ‘bad’ evles being sent off to Nereman camps, I thought of two things: Nazis and North Korea. Were you inspired by any real world places/events as you wrote this story?

By the way, why does the Elven-Queen bother with marriage if she never intends on consummating it?

Does she wed men because she’s lonely? That’d be understandable. As for the Faratir, their presence feels forced, which I don’t mean in a bad way. How you set up the Elves society makes me think of despotism. Not all Elves are oppressed here, that I know, but they are treated cruelly if you believe that making people fall in love by way of sorcery is unethical. There’s also the fact that no Elf in this society seems to be allowed to think for themselves without getting in trouble. (For example, they have to go through the wedding without a word of complaint.) The men are used and then thrown away (memory wiped, too), those who see the Elven-Queen’s face are killed—I already mentioned the camps.

I suppose you could use the dead as fertilizer. However, they wouldn’t be giving the plants much nutrients (except if dead bodies in this world are something special, indeed). It’s also a hassle to dig a big pit for the corpses, unless the Elves use some sort of machine to take care of that.

In the game, I remember reading that the peasants know only easy magic (were they taught or is it natural magic that they just ‘know’ how to do?) that allows them only to talk to animals, but by doing this, wouldn’t the peasants be able to start a revolution with the animals? This would be both a good and a bad idea; good in that their adversaries would be hesitant to kill their meat i.e. the animals, but bad if they don’t care since they can always go vegan. Though that’s just one way to look at it.

I think you should be more detailed with the Elves’ backstory. I don’t doubt that you have a fair amount of this planned out/thought out already, but I feel like you’re skipping over the important stuff to get to the more juicy bits, or whatever you want to call them.

Otherwise, this story sounds like one of the more unique ones that can go either horribly wrong or remarkbly well. I forgot to ask what you hope to accomplish with this game, if you know? Yeah, that’s a vague question, but I hope you don’t mind. =P

EDIT: I’m sorry if you’re offended by mini essays.


#4

Interesting lore! I played through most of the races but I gatta ask if the Giant will have a wall of text every time she opens her mouth? (I don’t mean that in a bad way, I kinda find it cute…) I mean will her speech eventually get toned down? And if so will there be any chances to make drastic changes in any of the other races personalities?


#5

Like the concept and the background story gives you options I hope for mor options in the mean time I get and error when I was the dragon so I guess there will be more. As a matter of fact I wasn’t going to read the story because of the misleading title but hope it’s changed really good keep up the good work. I think you should change the title but it’s my opinion.


#6

@jcsunshine_3 there are actually aliens in this game, though they are misleading. Perhaps your character has already met one :3

@yagamikuuno there will be more options for all races. What’s out right now is just to make sure there is an interest for this type of game. I am already putting in more options and when I have done so for all races I will update.

@ThisisSymbolic thank you for the feedback. I will answer all your questions when I have more time. :smile:

@DragonWarrior thanks for catching that. :smile:


#7

Spoiler ish I think the aliens you were talking about I think I’ve already met one or maybe because it’s a race? For watcher it did say metallic object so idk for sure


#8

@ThisisSymbolic about Nereman’s Camps I was actually pulling from Greek Mythology. Hades, the god of the underworld made people who were considered evil work in a field for eternity. Though, I kind of forgot what said field was called.

For the Elven-Queen I suppose I should say instead of the men’s “manly bits” being cut off, I should change it to being neutered.

There is a reason that elves cannot actually fall in love. They have no drive or attraction to others because of a curse placed upon them by Monwa, the god of life.

It’s almost instinctual for elves to use magic. Elves find it immoral to use animals as weapons against others because animals already give up their lives to feed the territories and there is no need to make them murder for a cause that they don’t understand.

I think the game will be split into four chapters/parts (all within the same game). The chapters are called:

  1. Journey to Watchers Peak
  2. Revolution
  3. Technology Advances
  4. The Monsters

The last two chapters are going to be significantly shorter than the first two.


#9

This looks pretty good so far.
I imagine the gender-locked protagonists may be an issue for some, but I think that’s a minor issue compared to the intriguing lore that this game offers.

That wouldn’t happen to be Tartarus, would it? :sweat_smile:


#10

I keep getting an error when choose the dragon path an go with the elf.


#11

I do not particularly like the fact that I have to be a specific personality to play as the race I want.

I like your writing style though, It flows well. :slight_smile:


#12

Yeah me too I also get an error if, as an elf, I decide to go with the troll


#13

@bearyboo Thank you for answering my questions, but I do hope you put in what you told me into the game when you have the time. That’s all pretty important information. That is to say, I never would’ve assumed that the elves couldn’t fall in love because of Monwa. Interesting how the god of life, of all gods, would do that. But funny how the peasant Elves find it immoral to use animals as weapons when there are far more worse things happening in their society.

I’ll definitely be playing as an Elf on my first run, just so that I can get into the mind of my fellow Elves.


#14

Homestuck fan. Neat. So what does the next chapters talk about actualy? I’m intrigued by technologie advance and the monsters.


#15

For the Giants’ backstory, you repeat this part on page two:

“They have tall walls that surround their territory, as they’s rather not let other species in. Giants are also half dragon and half elf. They can’t lead the dead like the dragons, nor are they immortal. Although they live long lives. In any war the Giants are always neutral. The symbol for the giants is a star in a circle.”

For the troll section, this part seems to be missing something:

“Trolls live in mountainous terrain, there is little to no vegetation and only beasts that taste horrid.”

“Any other type of weapon is for pansies; at least that’s what trolls tell themselves because they can’t make any other type of weapon.” — Haha!

“They drop their old and sick in nearby volcanoes while they are still alive.” Oh…

For the Watchers’ section, you have an awkward sentence:

“They are psychically weak but telekinesis and very rarely, telepathy are their greatest weapons”

“The smaller decisions are decided by watchers that are assigned to make choices about food management, plumbing and other daily things.”— I like this! They’re still just petty mortals at the end of the day, too.

Finished reading the lore, and my favorite races go in this order from better to best: Giants, Trolls, Dragons, Watchers, and, my favorite, the Elves. I wonder why you chose to create these races in particular?

Huh. The line of dialogue at the beginning is awkward, so I would try making the first page of the actual game more detailed. Show off your writing skills, and all that jazz… I reached the part where you choose your race (guess what I picked?) and the fact that we players have to go with a set identity doesn’t bother me at all. I play games to experience a new world and group of people. I never insert myself into the story as a result. That is, even when the story refers to ‘me’ multiple times, I don’t think about ‘me’, I think about one of my own characters and play from their perspective.

Here, I can’t quite do that without having my character go a little OOC, but that’s all right because it’s like I said, I’m here to indulge in your world/characters.

“By the time you read this, we will most likely be dead.” — Aw, damn it! Not again, mom and dad! (They always die in nearly every JRPG.)

Reading about characters e.g. the Elven-Queen that I already know of thanks to checking out the lore is one reason why I like lots of backstory. Knowledge is power, and it tends to make me bouncy, for some reason.

My quest is already starting. Though, I have no comments about the pacing yet. (That awkward one line of dialogue at the beginning of the actual game is still kind of odd.) But I’m questioning why I’m not more upset over my parents’ death. I’m trying not to cry one moment, and then I’m picking on the troll. Perhaps I turn into a pseudo-stoic jackass when bad things happen?

And my fun time is over. Got an error. It’s similar to the one @reaper95 received, except I was playing as en elf and had decided to go with the troll.

So far, so good, @bearyboo.


#16

Is this normal? I get this for every option when I agree to leave…


#17

i liked the dragon story, but you think it will be possible for the dragon to have a humaniod form? or is that not happening, and i get error after i say yes to the elf


#18

@ThisisSymbolic Thanks for the feedback yet again! :slight_smile: I will fix the things that you mentioned.

The errors are normal. I haven’t coded that far yet. But once I finish the first chapter I will update! Which hopefully with some long, hard work will be sometime soon.

@ChimeraLord Sadly, no. Shapeshifting is considered illusion magic and since dragons can’t use magic, they have no humanoid form.

Thanks for the comments everyone! :slight_smile:


#19

Here is what I’ve noted so far :

Redundancy :

• “Elves want to be the most powerful species on the planet, knowing where the dead go would really make them immortal, by bringing those who die back to the realm of the living. If elves knew where the dead went, they would bring the dead back to life, this would make the most powerful race of all and make elves fully immortal.”
• "Giants are half-elf, half-dragon."
Then in the same page: "Since they are not fully dragon, nor fully elf"
Then in the next page: "Giants are also half dragon and half elf. They can’t lead the dead like the dragons, nor are they immortal. Although they live long lives. In any war the Giants are always neutral."
All which was already said on the previous page.
• "They live in small, nomadic tribes in the plains."
And in the same page: "Giants live mostly in the plains and are nomads. "
• "They believe in Mother Nature and by disturbing nature (farming and domestication of animals) that they will be struck down."
And in the same page: “Giants think that farming and domestication are hurting Mother Nature”

Coherency :

"Elves grow normally until the age of eighteen, then after a thousand years they slowly start to grow older."
Basically, I think people getting old is their body withering on their very feet until something vital breaks off and they die. If elves’ body get old too, then it means that their body are slowly wearing off. As in rotting. So it kind of doesn’t fit with the principle of immortality as far as I know about entropy. Unless you would want to write that time wears heavily on their faces, getting wrinkles out of smiling or frowning for so many times throughout the centuries, or loosing will, or feeling bored about anything, or maybe growing beards…?

"so trolls can’t torture how to use magic out of captured peasants"
Would trolls be able to do magic if an elf told them how?

"If they try to tell someone who the Elven-Queen is, they burst into flames and die."
If you’re not joking there, it might be good to explain how this happens. Do they die thus by the will of the Queen, or is it due to some strange magical pact surround her?

“The ones who were chosen have their “manly bits” cut off.”

  • If elves have magic powerful enough to make people love each other, they could easily have magic to sterilize too. Just eating the right herbs can do that irl. Beside, if the Queen is against sex, wouldn’t it be easy for both parties to just keep all of their members to themselves? I mean, for a race who need a puch and magic to mate, they don’t seem like unpredictible bunnies, so I don’t think abstinence would be such a difficult oath. Now, if abstinence alone is still is too risky, it would be much more fair to use herbs or magic to make the Queen barren and leave her husbands in peace. Amputating them would be unecessarily barbaric.
  • Now, though, maybe the Queen is a paranoid tyrant choosing more husbands than she is willing to trust and insists on castration to impede on their spirit and ensure their silence. But it would still be strange, because if the Queen is a paranoid tyrant choosing more husbands than she is willing to trust, she can still have them going through some psy trials, use binding magic, set spies to follow their every move, or promise huge benefits for secrecy; never mentioning that anyone who tell about the Queen always combusts and die… So really, why castrate them? Do you have something special against male elves? :smiley:

"Giants are half-elf, half-dragon."
It has not been mentionned before that these races could mate.

  • If the elves accept to use magic to fall in love, why would they be attracted by dragons?
  • Even if giants are the result of non-consensual encounters, thechnically the dragons have not been described as humanoid and has not been said to have the ability to morph into anything else. So, very basically there is a big problem of size here.
    I would help to offer physical descriptions -size and form- for all your races. Dragons have foreheads, claws and scales, okay it it doesn’t tell about their size nor overhall shape. Same goes for giants.

Syntax :

• The Seers who are the religious spokespeople of their god named Mother All * and is sometimes switched around and they call her the All Mother.
• They trade their services for supplies, * everyone wants to make sure their people all go * their respected gods.
• Dragons will practice whatever religion * the people they mostly attend to (even Aarisis).
• “hatchlings are very sensitive to cold, to dragons caves are the ideal place to live.”
• “Life in the cities and towns elves live in are much nicer than * most of the other territories.”
(I think ‘are’ should be ‘is’. Than ‘in’ most other territories, maybe? I suggest: “Life in elven cities and elven towns is much nicer than in any other known settlement.”)
• “so trolls can’t torture how to use magic out of captured peasants”
–> so trolls can’t steal their knowledge about magic through torturing elven peasants
• They have used [the method of spying on]* the trolls * all three wars and have always won against them.
–> They have used spies during the three wars that they have won against the trolls.
• “Elves appoint a village person who is a big gossiper to be a matchmaker, who is always given the title of Faratir.”
–> Elves appoint their most gossipping villager as their matchmaker, their Faratir.
• The men never say a word of complaint because it is a big honor for a person to be chosen to be the husband of the Elven-Queen.
–> To be chosen as one of the Queen’s consorts is a honor that no elf would pass.
• “After the man/men are chosen, the ones who don’t make the cut have their memories wiped and forget that they were ever chosen to be a candidate to be a husband/wife of the Elven-Queen.”
–> Then, the remaining candidates have their memories wiped to even forget that they had been selected for that purpose.
• The ones who were chosen have their “manly bits” cut off.
–> The chosen consort are castrated.
• “The Elven-Queen is never allowed to have children. It is so that the Elven-Queen’s family will never try to inherit the throne.”
–> because the Elven-Queen is forbidden to have children to prevent any power-struggle for the throne.
• The chosen ones families are paid a hefty sum and the villages and cities have a festival.
–> The families of the new consorts are thanked with a hefty sum that they partly use to give a festival in their village or city.
• Since they are not fully dragon, nor fully elf, they are not able to lead the dead. They are also not immortal but they live long lives.
–> While part of both races, Giants are strangers to the secret that allows dragons to led the dead; and despite of their long lives, are not granted the immortality of the elves.
• “They believe in Mother Nature and by disturbing nature (farming and domestication of animals) that they will be struck down.”

Bugs
• Every path bug as soon as we agree to go with to Watchers’ Peak. But maybe that’s normal as you may still be developing what’s to come next.


You are making rather interesting content with the original ideas of this game! I appreciated the details of the background, the Giant’s mythological tales, the dynamics between the races and the narration rare but pertinent humor. All of which are very strong points for this game in my opinions. It’s strange that there are no humans, but as it’s a rare thing, and I think it’s interesting to push players into roleplay, or at least, to study your races to find which of their traits suit them best. I like the choices you have made.


#20

@Silvara Thank you so much for all the help! I’ve made the corrections to the mistakes that you’ve noted. I’m super happy that you like my ideas. :slight_smile: