Found it. Thanks for the heads up.
4/15/16 Updates
- Tweaks to Stat pages, mostly the Dragon stat page though more changes might come in the future.
- Tweaks to dragon personalities. No more exceedingly long paragraph just to get your dragon. Also I described the neutral/good/evil of each dragon for those who did not know about it before.
- Added choices to shape personality. Still adding to these but better options to increase certain traits.
- Save feature now.
- 94,000 + words and 7 chapters, not including the startup.
13 Likes
this is sweeeet! Somehow saren just seems like a bad boy to me somehow i got no aggression towards him, i find myself trying to charm him (to my dismay my charm was ineffective ;-; )Also love the magic parts! Theres an option when fighting to conjure something to distract, just skipped to the parts where the dragons were all bickering over shiney stones, Just wanted to point that out 
Overall looking forward to more!!!
A few edit suggestions:
“you murmur and cut your eyes to the dragon that was cowering behind you.”
Cut your eyes doesn’t make any sense. I get what you’re trying to say, but the way it’s worded it sounds like either the MC cut their eyes out or their eyes literally cut their dragon like a knife. Maybe change it to something like, “stealing a glance” or something similar?
“Exactly. Now, have you finished spreadin’ the hay and plantin’ the barley for the fields?” You say nothing, the answer becoming obvious. “Go,” he sighs and you quickly turn and walk out of the stables, hearing him mumble sadly.
This whole bit needs to be spread out. Like this:
“Exactly. Now, have you finished spreadin’ the hay and plantin’ the barley for the fields?”
You say nothing, the answer becoming obvious.
“Go,” he sighs and you quickly turn and walk out of the stables, hearing him mumble sadly.
This is because everytime someone speaks, it becomes a new paragraph. Even when the MC doesn’t VERBALLY respond, their silence is answer enough so it has to be a new paragraph. Second, for “hearing him mumble sadly” you need the verbs to match up; as in, it either has to be “hears him mumble sadly” or “hearing him mumbling sadly”
‘You begin to hear the sounds of shouting and screaming and just barely, a roar.’
- add a comma before ‘and’ so it’s ‘and, just barely, a roar’. This is because ‘just barely’ is an aside commentary and isn’t exactly necessary to know what’s going on in the sentence, so it would be surrounded by two commas, one before the phrase and one after it.
‘His eyes opened widely…’
- His eyes opened wide, no need to have it as an adverb.
‘You had been ignoring your responsibilities all day and no doubt when you made it home, your parents would give you a piece of their mind regarding the subject.’
- cut ‘regarding the subject’. There’s no need for it and bogs down the sentence. The reader can make the connection.
You didn’t want to argue with her and you knew better than to, it wouldn’t lead to anyting good.
- anything
Ahh thank you! I heard a complaint about that but didn’t know exactly where it was! And your comment on Saren actually makes me happy, I was hoping some people might actually not totally hate him for future purposes.
Thanks for having a keen eye and the suggestions, I shall go and make edits.
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Been watching this WIP for a while and really love the update!!! Keep up the good work 
!
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And I thank for that! 
add thissssss plss, @ToxicDreams 
edit: oh and maybe i can suggest you another path for our mc in pm if you want , unless you have already think of it xD.
Dragon Racer Is really a nice game.
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Well… that was incredibly fun. Also, I noticed these while I was reading. If someone else has already pointed them out, I’m sorry.
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I like this and all the characters (especially Nyx (Wait that was her name, right?) But I hate Saren… He’s a douche)
2 Likes
despite the spelling mistakes it was great, hope I get to read it when its done!
Thank you. I thought I updated the new one where the “hers” part was fixed but I guess I did not.
@SheaMcD I’m glad and yes that is her name.
Also slight note for anyone who reads this. I’m looking for atleast four beta testers for the game. If you’re interested I will be sending you all of the updates even after I’m done posting them here and what not. But I also need the four who agree to do this to have partially different playing styles so I don’t get the same notes for the same paths. So if you’re interested in this tell me please!
6 Likes
I would be interested
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you can count me in for sure!
I interested if your still looking