@TumTum thanks for taking the time to write such detailed feedback, I think you’re very fair in your criticism. One question, what do you mean by “other errors”? I’d obviously like to know if there’s something wrong other than typos
Just standard grammatical errors. For example, “The men look at each other and murmur, Morales indicates he wants silence and continues, ‘We have orders to seize the Monatana [sic] barracks and arrest the officers found there.’”
You should break up that run-on sentence. The easiest way would be a period instead of that first comma. I also just noticed what I think is a typo of Montana. I’m unfamiliar with most of the Spanish terms, so I can’t be sure when there’s a mistake or when I just don’t know any better.
I don’t have any specific examples, but I noticed a decent amount of mismatches where you inserted variables. I mean that the spacing or capitalization would be thrown off. I also remember some instances during Alba’s chapters where her companion’s pronoun didn’t always match with his or her sex.
Stuff like that. Nothing fatal, but it could use some more editing to clean it up.
@TumTum thanks, I’m certainly looking into the pronoun thing and correcting as many typos as I can. Hopefully there should be an update next week.
SPOILER
r there any endings where slabs bc Jorge doesn’t die? Or de LA rosa going to jail for being part of a coup?
SPOILERS
Jorge/Isabel always dies, it is possible for De La Rosa to confess and go to prison
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I just played this (trying to catch up on other peoples’ works) and think it’s really impressive. I’ve got a soft spot for historical fiction and this manages to present the Spanish Civil War in an unusual and highly engaging way. Great use of images, for example, and the whole stat section is light years beyond anything I’d dreamed of doing.
I know it didn’t work for everyone but I loved the structure of 4 storylines told in the third person that eventually interacted. It allowed for some scenes, such as the guerrilla strike on the bridge (in my version), that were truly dramatic. Well done!
At the same time, that structure meant that some of the stuff was forgettable. I got the two guys – the officer (?) and the pilot – killed pretty quickly, which meant that they disappeared from the story to such an extent that I’d forgotten about the soldier guy by the game’s end. There were also a few proofreading things that others have touched on, in particular some changes in tense and some punctuation variances.
Some of the plot developments also came a bit abruptly. Alba deciding to become a guerrilla, for example, sort of just happened. But all in all it’s excellent.
Thank you, that’s great to hear, glad you enjoyed it. As you know I’m a fan of Somme Trench as well!
Yeah, I largely agree, with the change of perspective some people loved it others, well, didn’t. But the concept wouldn’t have worked without it so I’m glad I did, although there is of course the disadvantage that some characters can go and that obviously weakens the story later on. But thanks, I really appreciate you taking the time to write this!
Congrats for the good work, @AlexClifford1994. It seems that they readers enjoy it more than your previous work. Do you know why? There was a poll and Divided scored quite high which surprised me, because it is not the traditional Choice of Games type.
At first, I was appalled by the horrors of war, but then as the story proceeded, I liked the characters and choices and this is all that matters to me. My second question is, what happens behind the screens? I mean, do you use Booleans or any other stats? Could it be a Kindle gamebook (the traditional CYOA)?
Thanks.
Hi @Mayday, thanks! I would say Divided has done better because it is just a better story and game than Murder in Berlin, longer, better writing, more influential choices, better characters, in my opinion at least!
I’m glad you enjoyed it, and yes it is difficult reading at times I guess.
I make extensive use of Booleans to make it all work and a few numerical stats, for instance each character has a hidden morality stat which determines some behaviour and most of all the ending for each character.
For those reasons, I’m not sure if it could be a traditional cyoa, given that there are numerous stats…
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A game just came out on steam early access called divided we fall.
@Inthelittlesips Could just be a coincidence. Unlikely, but possible. Either way this game seems to be older.
Is it possible for Morales to survive and not end up in a Nazi work camp?
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Just for the record, this game was released somewhere in 2014. There’s just apparently a game going by the same name up on Steam now.
Looked it up and its definitly not related. Its a squad based strategy game. Their title seem to refer to a squad unity a lot more than this IF.
Sorry, I mixed up the titles in my mind.