See? Not much sleep…
The original opening was actually all written out instead of the summery, but if felt way too long but I still wanted to keep the info 
probably best to just cut it out entirely.
The ROs are a bit later on for your first introduction, wanted to work on character creation first 
so should i take a note for typo and the like, or should i just enjoy it for now coz you said there is a possibility that you will revamp it ?!
Well definitely let me know if you see messed up stuff
Sorry. I think the best way would be to just mention the lesbian queens occasionally in the story (either when it’s relevant, or during history lessons, etc.), but not to have it right at the start.
i really liked the opening (and the whole thing) but i think i might be a little bias, i was rooting for the queens 
but maybe like what @ParrotWatcher said, have them mentioned throughout the game? like maybe in a history lesson for the mc?
Well, shout if you want any coding help.
and… here is the report 
:
When she turned sixteen the her father had informed her that he had selected a husband for her and they would wed within the year. (no need for the)
Since up until that point marriage was forbidden to a couple such as they(.) no mages had researched the possibility of using magic to allow for them to conceive a child of their own, the couple adopted an heir and drafted new laws that gave the same rights to adopted children as those born to their parents.
In the Emperess’ chambers the chaos of the city below was playing out in on a smaller stage, attendants, healers and nurses weaved around each other in a delicate ballet in order to ensure the safe delivery of the Empress’ child as well as the Empress’ well being. (not sure what is wrong-- my grammar is suck anyway-- but this sounds a bit confusing)
(")We will need to get him a tutor before long(")your father mused,
“!him’s right, it’s time.” She moans as your father jumps quickly to his feet and helps her up. “Watch over Luke until the nanny can come and fetch he.” (the first one is supposed to be code right? and the last shoul be him)
Beyond that you entered into your sleeping area, this room housed a large bed, at least it seemed large to you and you couldn’t resist flopping on top of it to test the softness, you found it was much like how you imagined sinking into a cloud might feel, your mother giggled and the contented look on your face. (did you mean at)
The other door lead to a small changing room outfitted with a vanity room outfitted with a vanity and a looking glass, on the far side of the changing room another door opened into your closet, Your small hand gently nudges the doorway to your new closet open and you eyes grow wide and the enormity of the closet before you, inside you find tunics and breeches hanging neatly in rows, along the floor a collection of shoes to match the various outfits that were now yours.
“Princess Amalia is the youngest of 7 children and that is why her family has chosen her, you are our eldest and heir, you will stay her and it is your cousin that will travel to the Eastern Lands.” (here)
You weren’t sure quite what all the fuss was about, she looked to be about your age and certainly no one made this much fuss over your arrival. She stopped before you and her face lit up in a dazzling smile. (quite sure)
You walked through the gates to lead to the barracks off of the main entry courtyard, it was surprisingly vacant, normally at least some of the guards were training their archery with the targets that stood in the grasses far to your right or pairs of them would square off in mock duels in order to test their swordsmanship. (this sound weird, or did you mean that lead to the barracks)
His face looked a bit worn by age or hardship, his head had been shaved and we wore no beard, hard lines seemed carved into his dark skin giving him an almost fierce look. (he)
Now, as for your lesson we you will learn the art of calming your mind, this will help you to avoid any sudden flare ups of magic power that I have been told you have begun to experience." (no need for we before you there)
He retracted the blade once more and hooked it back onto his belt before turning to the wall next you him and picking up a pair of long wooden cylinders in either hand, then turning to you he held one of them out to you. (…next to you and picking… )
You arrive at his study and push open the door to find your uncle bent over this desk overlooking a pile of parchments that have been scattered over the surface of his desk, he looks up at the sound of the door opening and his face lights with a smile. (his)
You reply eagerly, a look of excitement lit up across you face as you said it, just the thought of having your very own mageblade fills your young mind with ideas. (your)
set hilt “spear” “An excellent choice! I will notify them immediately so that they can get to work on it, the craftsmanship will be greater than any that has come before it, nothing is too good for the prince.” He made his way back behind his desk and once again took his seat. (its a code right ?!)
"Knights are specialized in melee combat with their mageblade, they mostly work on alteration in order to increase the effectiveness of their fighting(.) or (,)however they are weak against someone fighting at a range.
Years flew by and your teacher continued to bare down on you hard in your training, you started to wonder if it was all just for your own good of if perhaps he was being so hard on you in order to see just exactly how strong your powers could get. (or if ? not sure)
So, only on the first page so far. Place names though. “Stormwind”, “Amarr”. Might want to use names that didn’t come from other intellectual property.
Edit (will add further edits as I spot obvious errors):
A code error:
Before you could answer a contraction hit her and a dawning draws on her face. “!her’s right, it’s time.” She moans as your father jumps quickly to his feet and helps her up. “Watch over Derayna until the nanny can come and fetch she.”
An amusing error here:
I am settling in well Empress, and the princess has been a thoughtful guide, and has even kindly agreed to pass the time mischief with me during my stay."
I’m not sure one would broadcast you intend to get up to no good at the dinner table 
The link is broken for me. But I’ll share a few thoughts.
1: Getting something posted is a huge step. Congratulations!
2: Even if it isn’t a lot, it still should showcase your writing style and your world-building.
3: The community is here to support you.
I know this is hard; My Helvitti story taught me much. So, if you continue with an open mind and learn, then I’m sure everything will progress in one way or another.
Even if you decide you have to do a re-write - that is perfectly o.k. There are some pretty good WiPs where this happened, so you’re not going to be alone whatever happens.
Eventually you’ll want to think about a private beta; once the exploratory phase is over - there are a lot of plusses in doing this.
Once I can read the story I’ll get specific feedback going.
We are all proud of you Lizzy.
Evidently I managed to break everying so I deleted it and reuploaded it and now there is a new link
ok. I’ll read it a bit later - distractions are buzzing around me atm ><
But my general thoughts still apply no matter what.
Sadly I know all too well about distractions lately
Edit: all reported typos and bugs have been fixed
I like it 
it’s quite simple to read (Versus was a hell for me, the autor used so many hard words ) and quite simple to understand the story so far. I’m happy you putted an intersex option, by the way 
Oh, I want to ask, do you intend to put an info page of the characters in our stats information on the final work? I recently played a game that had lots of characters and no info about them. I kind of got traumatized 
There is actually a lot that i would like to do with the stats page, including that since the plan is to have so many NPCs it would be easy to forget who people are
I agree where is that super cute Lord you mentioned a while back and the fashionable would-be social climbing squire. 
It looks good so far, but I agree with @ParrotWatcher that it may be better to show, not tell how accepting this kingdom/empire/world is sexuality and gender-wise.
I mean if our in-game character wouldn’t bat an eye at certain types of relationship then let the player or reader notice that (or not) all by him or herself. 
For one last point, maybe you could add some more choices, even if they’re fake choices along the line of what our mc thinks during the growing up part, particularly the child part(s).
Great story so far:) I really want to know what happen after this 
her voice. Before you could answer a contraction hit her and a dawning draws on her face. "!she’s right, it’s time." She moans as your father jumps quickly to his feet and helps her up
Love what is presented so far, and looking forward to more.
Even then it’s not easy. Take it from me.
You mean you DON’T!? 
Excuse me while i go burn the forum fanfic i was working on.
I wanna be a cowboy! 
What does jealousy smell like? 
Hey! I didn’t give you permission to advertise us!
And i look forward to checking it out after finishing this post.
@Lizzy - Your grand story-telling tradition is in full swing. Continue the path you are on and I see an epic tale in the making.
My advise - keep the writing going as you have. The formatting, the structuring and the style corrections all can be made on your second go-around on the project.
Your momentum is your strength right now, so use it to your advantage.
The little things can be discussed once the big tapestry is woven.
Keep up the good work girl; just don’t break the heart to much when the time comes to do so.
