Today marks the last day of November.
A whole month has passed (minus a few days) since my last post in a Writer Support Thread. Thirty days, more or less. As we all get ready for another month, it is often important to take a moment to reflect and prepare for the days coming.
Which means, on my end, taking stock of what I wanted to do. And how I did.
November's Goal Overview
Today, as the last day, is a good place to pause and review what I had wanted to do for this month and also a place to reflect on my goals for December.
- Develop a basic overview of the story, the major events, and possible endings
- Flesh out the characters, PC and NPCs alike
- Begin the story in earnest
I also had some more personal, self-love goals such as:
- Treat myself kinder
- Love myself more
- Try to stress less
Looking back at what I had put for last month, I failed some and won a few of the others. My self-love goals found themselves in a ditch somewhere that I fished out repeatedly. Depression is an insidious beast difficult to face and harder to defeat. Those goals are still, and will always be, a priority.
On my writing goals, however? That’s where the fun begins.
How I Did For November's Goals
So, to start, I got some writing in. In CSIDE, I have shy of 2,000wrds put down. For me, this is a feat and something to be very excited over. Writing has been difficult for me, these last few years. On those same 2,000wrds, I have a Microsoft Document devoted to writing out the story and its various branches. There are, roughly, twenty pages and 5,000wrds to it.
Most of that is a commentary to myself when I’m stuck – turns out it helps to talk to myself (in writing) about what’s happening when I’m stuck and how to get out of it, narrative-wise. Tracking choices in Microsoft Word is a chore, by the way. While time-consuming, and generally frustrating, it has helped me get some of the story itself written.
I have a few endings, the NPCs are, more or less, created, and I have a few major plot points in mind. The story overview flew out the window, though. I wanted to plan the story in advance, but getting that down turned out to be a nightmare. So I’m plotting and writing at the same time while also keeping those few scenes I have in mind and the endings on hand.
For December, My Goal Is: Get The Demo Published.
That’s it. I want to get the first half of Chapter One finished.
I have roughly 2/3 of one set of choices and the corresponding narratives done. I’m really excited to be working on this project, which has been a change. The last year or so, I’ve been forcing myself to write even when I didn’t really want to. When things get rough, I had to push forward. So I did.
I want to get more of this story of mine done so I can share it. I’m looking forward to being able to share it with the community. At the same time, I’m a bit nervous. I have a few projects I have worked on (these projects will be worked on at a later date, but, for now, they’re more complex than I’m comfortable working on) since I joined the community, and there are several areas I struggle when it comes to writing. Largely the flexible personality of the Player Character. I have a hard time with emotions and portraying them in a satisfying manner.
My Creativity = Apantasia, Autism, And The Insanity Of My Mind
This last section here is a high and a low from where I sit, and this dives a bit into mental health. My mental health, to be precise. Read it if you want. Skip it if you want.
The truth is, the last few years have been hard for me. My mom died at the end of 2019 and she was a woman who was one of my main support pillars and someone I didn’t realize I depended on until she passed away. From my early childhood, she supported my creativity. My desire to write a story at all hours of the day to my temporary dives into other areas of creative expression was backed with so much unconditional love that my chest starts to hurt thinking about it.
The same year my mom died, I was diagnosed with autism. Would have been Asperger’s a few years before that, before it was swept under the same label despite there being some differences that should be noted. Which, for most in my family, that I had autism was already a given. My fixation with stories and writing began before I could write, and began with me drawing families of squirrels as a child when I wasn’t able to spell my name.
For years, writing was a form of self-expression. Then, when I learned Aphantasia is an actual thing and people can actually visualize a beach in their head complete with sand, ocean, and scantily dressed people playing beachball, I realized my writing will always be a form of self-expression.
Because I can’t picture an image or a scene in my head. I can narrate it to myself. I can think ‘cube,’ and know what it looks like because I’ve seen a cube well over a thousand times. I have mental references stored away in my head, but no actual pictures going with it.
It’s like having a blank canvas on a wall with a beautiful description describing a scene that should be there that isn’t there. The description describes something grand – could be a castle, outer space, or the House on the Praire – but the canvas is blank.
That’s my mind.
I learned what Aphantasia was towards the beginning of this year from an interview of some kind on YouTube that randomly popped into my very random selection of recommended videos. YouTube’s algorithm likely hates me because I’m all over the place on what I watch. Hard to predict what I would want to see when I don’t know what I want to see until I see it.
So, yeah. Here’s me – blanked-brained writer creating fantasy stories. I thought my horrid people skills and self-management were difficult to understand, but we all learn something new every day. I’ve learned that when I’m extremely depressed and should be seeing someone about it, I tend to sleep or write excessively. I’ve been leaning towards the former instead of the latter, which is something I am now trying to work on.
When we hit that point when our mind takes us to a dark place, it’s easy to lay down and sink. Very easy to do, but everyone has something they’re passionate about even if they forgot about it. When times get dark, grab that lifeline and hold on tight. I write. That’s my lifeline. And once I grab that hook, I let my writing haul me to the shore and away from the dark waters waiting to drown me.
Moral of this mental health rant: our brains don’t always work the way we want, and that’s fine. We sometimes want to give up. That is also fine. But when it comes to the heart of the problem, we have to hang on until we’re safe again. Just wanted to put that out there for anyone who may be having a hard time themselves. You are seen, my friends. I may not know you, but I see you.
I tend to go on tangents, but sometimes it is inside those whirlwinds of word vomit that one can find hidden nuggets of gold. Which sounds extremely disgusting once I reread that. Just, no. No thank you.
So, I’m gonna end this here and get back to work before I spiral into another section of writing.
Everyone, take care of yourselves and best of luck to us all as we drive our creative little minds straight into December’s cold, wintry hands. Now, I’m gonna make myself some coffee and get to work.
See you all in January.
Happy Birthday to December babies.
My goal for December is to put out a demo for book 2.
This is my first time interacting in one of these support threads, and simply wished to speak on the troubled pressure I have felt this past month or so.
I was really, really busy with end of semester projects that I barely had time to write.