Death's Grip (WIP and Demo Updated 5/8/17)

Just finished the demo. Great work so far, can’t wait to see how you develop this :slight_smile:

OK, gonna try to cover all the typos I see.
First, and already mentioned, is on the Stats screen. Lawfull should be Lawful

few eyes watch excitedly as the exocutioner lights his torch.

Exocutioner should be executioner.

The priest cast a magic blocking spell on you.

Cast should be casts.

I won’t outwardly admit they’re right with their accusations, but I drabble with black magic for power, of course

Drabble should be dabble. Drabble is actually a short work of fiction used to convey ideas in a limited amount of words. The more you know. And knowing is half the battle!

She used her last bit of powerful energy,

Ok, less a typo, more me being nitpicky, but I don’t think powerful fits here. It just feels out of place. Removing powerful would keep the message intact.

I stared at the poor dog, wishing it could get its vengeance, even if it was too scared to do so. Next thing I knew the dog that was timid and cowering got up and mauled the boys fiercly, its eyes milky white.

Fiercly should be fiercely.

Brief flashes of hectic moving, running, and hoove beats fill your mind.

This may just be me seeing a problem where there is none, but I think hoove beats should just be hoof beats. Though I could be wrong. Again, I may be seeing a problem where there isn’t any.

Puberty hit you unexpectantly early, but luckily, since your mothers teachings, you knew some of this strange phenominon.

Unexpectantly should be unexpectedly. “Since your mothers teaching” should be “since your mother’s teachings.” Personally, I would say “due to your mother’s teachings,” that flows better in my opinion. Phenominon should be phenomenon.

I was excited, but my mother was sometimes very mean. She insisted on these lessons just so we could guarentee we would not have to move again or waste resources, and she made sure I knew that.

Guarentee should be guarantee.

I was terrified, and my mother made me more scared. While she was good with her powers it did not mean she used it for good. I remember harsh lessons, and harsh punishments.

There should be a comma between powers and it. Also, “my mother made me more scared” would likely sound better if you add an even between me and more, but that might just be me.

I’ll try to find some more later on. I now know the hardships of the forgotten proofreaders.

Will we be able to heal our legs with magic later?

Thank you! You are my savior. :relieved:

Would the past tense of cast be casted or cast? I think the former was used a long time ago but eventually evolved into the latter?

Yes! Your character will be able to walk again if you so choose.

Well this sounds pretty good, I’m definitely interested. Keep up the good work.

Very interesting. Branded evil from the start. Can be totally evil or good witch if wish so. Can’t wait for more.

Past tense of cast apparently is still cast. Casted is also grammatically correct, just archaic. Both are acceptable. But if you are using it in the past tense, then OK, ignore me correcting that. I thought it was being written as if it was in the present.

This games seems awesome so far can’t wait for more

I agree the demo is very intriguing thus far.
Given what happens in the demo thus far, I think the more pertinent questions would be a) would he want to romance a (n effectively legless) cripple (like the mc presumably is now). And b) would the mc still want to romance him, particularly if that fire reached slightly higher then our legs.
Also with those burns our mc’s will probably be in constant pain for the rest of their lives.

Ah! The angst! :smiling_imp:

I actually thought about this myself! :laughing:
Where the fire hurt you will be discussed in the game and how you can deal with those nasty burns.

Get all the aloe!! Neosporin can also help but sadly this universe isn’t graced with its presence.
Nah, but in all seriousness, yeah the MC will be hurting for a while, but there is a certain character that will help you with that.

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Interesting. And I saw a comment that said humm should be hum. Do you mean hymns? Because those are shadow creatures like in the witcher 3. But anyway, the story is very different from others I’ve seen. Since the MC is crippled, how do they get around until they heal themselves? Also I’d recommend separating the relationship stats from the others. Put the stats into separate categories so everyone can make sense of them. This is just a suggestion so do with what you will.

Sadly no :disappointed:
As much as I like the Witcher games, it was just another silly typo of mine.

This is going to be discussed in the game as well! Don’t worry, you won’t be stuck in one spot for the entire game.

It’s a nice suggestion because I was thinking the same thing :wink:

Back to typo hunting! The most glorious of jobs. Pays well in surprising amounts of stress and loss of time. Sign up today!

Brenden seems to dislike to being able to see in front of him, as I am quite tall for my age.

That second to should be replaced with not. Unless Brendan really dislikes being able to see in front of him. Makes you wonder why he hasn’t blindfolded himself.

A child whos heart is this dark

Just missing an e at the end of whos.

Tell me about yourself, child whos heart is so dark. Why do you not have such evil intentions with that void?

Same thing as the previous whos. Also, should that be “within that void” or “with that void?” I can’t really tell since the MC’s heart was compared to a void, so I don’t know if that is wrong or not. I have no idea whether Spoopy Voice means that evil thoughts come with a voidy heart, or are part of one.

I guess I shouldn’t of gotten my hopes up

Of should be have. Or have it contracted into shouldn’t’ve. Either works. Common mistake if one usually only hears the words instead of seeing them.

Brenden does not seem to mind the closeness, seeming to be to his own thoughts as he follows closely.

The third to should be an in. Between “be” and “his.”

Leaving the area with the mysterious house feels you with a strange longing you’ve never felt before.

Feels should be fills. I mean, technically, they are feeling the strange longing while being filled with it, but…man, language is weird once you try describing it.

As you continue walking the current situation you’re in drops like rocks in your stomach.

I’m not even sure what’s really being conveyed here past walking. Like what’s dropping like a rock in my stomach. Fear? Anxiety? Hunger? Despair? It looks incomplete.

Screaming, crying, and horrified whispers seem never ending as you attempt to navigate the forest in pitch blackness. You swallow hard, the voices seem never-ending.

Unless the MC wants a job at the Department of Redundancy Department, I don’t think they need to point out never ending voices twice. The second sentence itself seems unnecessary. You could likely merge “You swallowed hard,” like so: “You swallowed hard, as the screaming, crying, and horrified whispers seem never ending as you attempt to navigate the forest in pitch blackness.”

However, if she did it more lovingly, who knows if that would have been for better or for worse. However, her first lesson was not too hard, as once you left the village hunting you and were a good ways away,

This is after the fourth mother option. Having two Howevers back to back, while not grammatically incorrect, looks really weird. Changing the first however to something else, like “But,” would fix that.

The lantern ways tauntingly as you draw closer, only to warp away again as you draw closer.

Ways should be sways. And much like the howevers I mentioned, having two “as you draw closers” so close to one another looks weird. Not sure how to fix that one though, but it’d involve changing the first “as you draw closer.”

you cast a simple spell that allows you to blend in with the shadows. Their tendrils wrap around you and cover you, like greeting an old friend,

OK, there’s nothing wrong here. This part is completely fine. I just like being able to greet my old friend darkness. So don’t worry about this one. It’s good.

Silence falls between the two of you for, what feels like, forever.

The commas don’t really need to be there. They end up introducing a pause that feels unnatural in that statement.

“Who knows…? Maybe a strangers help is better than none…”

Strangers should have an apostrophe and be Stranger’s. Also, and less importantly, I don’t trust Spoopy Voice. They seem like stranger danger.

While you can see perfectly fine, blending with the shadows allow you to see through them,

Allow should be allows.

Woooo…who knew purposely searching for errors could be so much work? Anyways, I’m really liking the story. Has me hooked. And I’m curious about Gaebora (what I shall name the owl even if it may not be their actual name) and Rachel (what I shall dub Doll Girl, Rachel always seemed like a good doll name). Especially Rachel. She managed to interest me as soon as she was introduced.

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Can we summon demons? I have the feeling the MC is quite powerful if their powers manifested at such young age.

Thank you for your humble service of searching for those hideous typos, and I’m glad you like the story so far! :grin:
I’ll try to get the beginning of the next section of the story out as soon as I can while I work on the other two paths as the beginning.

Yes, summoning demons and other creatures is a power you can have!

i love brenden already!! :heart_eyes: im practically thought “awwww~ >///<” at the last scene where brenden wiping his tears… :grin:

woah… nice to see another typo hunter XD.

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I’m surprised about how much love Brenden is getting, it’s a pleasant surprise though!

I need all typo hunters I can get, honesty!

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Pffff I’m, not surprisingly, uninterested in him, but his sister…why does she avoid me?

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Because of that drama Lizzy!! What fun is it without drama?!:smile:

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The plot needs someone trying to avoid you, and then you end up being super-ultra-happy mega friends once you get close.

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