Cupid's on a Rampage(WIP) 18+

Hosted Games Works In Progress
61

Okay, I’ve given the game a read through. Your spelling is good but I’ve noticed a lot grammar mistakes, mostly you seem to forget to use a space after you use a punctuation mark.

For example the sentence: “-Play as a Male or Female.That’s, Gay,Straight,Bisexual or Asexual”

That should be: “-Play as a Male or Female. That’s, Gay, Straight, Bisexual or Asexual”

Also you sometimes forget to finish a sentence with a punctuation mark when characters are talking. For instance:

“The memories from all the times that we spent together”
“But soon those memories will become bittersweet” you reply
“Only if you allow them to”

Should be:

“The memories from all the times that we spent together.”
“But soon those memories will become bittersweet.” You reply.
“Only if you allow them to.”

But the main thing is that you realize that you have trouble with grammar, and you’ll find it gets a lot easier the more you write.

Also, I think the way the introduction is worded makes it seem like they’re almost happy their mother died. Even if something good came from it and it motivated the character to follow their dreams, I don’t see how the character could consider it as “both the best and worst thing that has ever happened to them.” It doesn’t really get across the pain the character feels after losing their last living relative.

That said, I think that beginning the game with the main character losing their mother is very clever. It grabs the reader’s attention straight away and makes them sympathize with the main character, which is always a good place to start. :blush:

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62

Thanks you have certainlly given me something to think about. Now im just going to go back reread and try to fix that. While doing so, im going to try to think about someone i have lost and convey that into the writing i hope to give it a more realistic feel. :slight_smile:

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63

I lived for two and a half years with a man who smoked every day, drank ten glasses of wine a night, took acid throughout the week and had at least three lines of cocaine every night for ten years, so, @673751, another resource would be me. My mother also received an award for rehabilitating drug addicts that the national health service considered “impossible to rehabilitate”.

I’m still wrecked up about it, about everything, so, be prepared if you’re going to be asking difficult questions.

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64

Should actually be:

“Play as male or female. That’s( : ) gay, straight, bi or asexual”.

You can add in or leave out the colon.

Should be: “But soon those memories will become bittersweet,” you reply.

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65

Okay, i will fix it momentarily. Thank you for commenting and for your earlier offer i would like to take you up on it, the more people who can honestly communicate how something like this feels the better the story will be. :slight_smile:

66

… Maybe I’m not the best person to give grammar advice after all. :yum:

67

We should create a grammer advice club. You two can be in charge and i’ll be the student. :joy:

(Just edited to add a period)

See, I’m already learning you two would make great teachers. :slight_smile:

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68

I think @Laguz should be the teacher and we should both be the students. :yum:

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69

Works for me :laughing:

70

Bah! I’m not getting paid for this! :stuck_out_tongue:

I’m already overhauling the syntax and grammar of another WIP. Grammarly already exists to do light checks like this for you.

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71

I paid for a mobile app of grammar check almost four euros and damn only works with small texts and I doubt a lot in their results. So yeah, you are far better. Maybe I have to pay you in cookies and hugs.

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72

Lol, like poison mara says those grammer apps suck. I support her question, So do you take cookies or hugs? :joy:

73

I take food, and purchases off my Amazon wishlist. :stuck_out_tongue:

(Though in all seriousness, I cannot work and maintain myself solely on my mother’s charity and a sliver of disability benefits)

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74

I have already told you privately and so I said here publicly, If somehow I ended with something published I will give you part of the money … But the probability of that happens is remote as hell.

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75

That’s so sad. if you want to talk i have plenty of optimsim to share. I want to help so i propose this:
After i finish this game i will give all rights to you to make profits off of i wanted to intially make it free but im sure most wouldn’t mind to pay a dollar or so to unlock a game like this will be especially if you explain the situation to them. That’s about what i can do.(I know it’s not much)
As a side note you won’t have to help i was just joking i’m more independent.
:slight_smile:

What do you think?
I’m doing this for fun and not to profit so either way is good with me.

76

That’s very sweet of you, thank you. I would not know exactly what to do but if so I can be your game consultant or whatever you call it, editor, idea-bouncer.

I still do want the game and all associated will it to be in your name, though, if this ever comes to fruition.

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77

I keep my word trust me. I won’t forget. Also thank you, you won’t have to do much or probably anything at all but since you will make the profits off it, you are free to read it and tell me if you think something sucks :smile:

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78

Also you can get updates about my progress and a copy of the game before anyone else if you want any of this just ask i’ll do it whenever you request. :slight_smile:

79

It’s fine. I can afford a few pounds worth to buy. :slight_smile:

80

I meant that if i have a release ready before a release date you can have access. The full game will also be free for you, so that you can immedietly make a profit off of it.

The last post was my way of stating you have partner access to my work for now and full rights when i am finished.
I thought you might like this, as it makes it so you have an access at all times to figure out how progress is going on the project :slight_smile:

Any questions, and my message box is always open :yum:

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