This is quite a unique idea for a game – I don’t think anything like this has been tried on these forums. Indeed, when it comes to narrative representations of eSports the only thing I can think of is SC2VN. There’s a lot of potential here. However, I wholly agree with the points raised by @M.J.Lotto. There’s some polishing to be done, but it’s early days.
Here’s my feedback, and I hope it’s somewhat helpful:
From what there is so far, it seems like the action scenes are the most attention-grabbing. You do a good job of transposing an FPS to text, in both the opening scene and the match at the end. The start with the sniper is a nice hook to the game – people will want to see what happens after starting in the middle of the action. I only have a minor specific concern about these scenes: it feels a bit too much like VR. The way it is written makes it seem like the player character is actually in the middle of a firefight instead of being in a box on a stage with mouse & keyboard. That’s only a very minor problem, though.
The PC is more-or-less extremely character locked: so far, most of their personality is fixed. This mainly manifests in the ROs coming on too strong and the choices being worded where the player character inherently has an attraction to them, regardless of what the player might want. Now with Alex and Taylor a preexisting crush is fine, but the game comes on way too strongly even for this. One egregious example is the following:
I don’t go to Alex. I prefer myself being isolated and emotionally unattached (you serious?)
It paints it as being not only incorrect, but also questions the reader’s decision to choose, which I would consider ill-advised – it feels pushy and may irritate some. It can also cause players to develop an antipathy against the RO, which may also not be intended. Character-locking continues with how the PC’s childhood is entirely laid out for them. This is continued on: the PC must be a dick to their fans, for example. But again every time the PC may consider not interacting with an RO, the other choice is written to snidely question the player’s decisions.
Generally, I’d say that character locking to this extent is disadvantageous. Players play because it’s a game, so they want to feel that their choices have an impact and that they connect with their character. It’s harder – but not impossible – to connect with a character in such games where everything about them but their name is already established. If it is intended to be a more narratively-fixed experience, that’s fine, but it should probably be expressed so that people don’t enter into the game with incorrect preconceptions.
The choice where you can choose how you got Cold Barrel is a good start, but there could be more. You’ve mentioned having alternate interactions with the ROs, and that’s a good start. But I wouldn’t recommend let the ROs dictate the game unless it’s intentionally meant to be romantically-focused. Why does the PC want to win the Destiny, for example? Why did they start streaming (which comes out of nowhere)? Why does the PC care so much about their ranking instead of victory rate?
Even if the PC’s motivation is set in stone, it should be explained instead of it being repeated again and again that they need to win – but the player never knows why.
Another issue is that characters apart from the ROs seem to just be there to fill out the world, rather than being characters themselves. The most notable example is said IGL, who is never referred to by their handle or their actual name, and seems to only exist as a vehicle for the PC to have some time alone with Alex, even though the PC may have been playing with them for a while. Your teammates are never referred to by name, only as “one of your teammates”. It doesn’t feel like the PC is part of a team at all. This is especially evident since “teamwork” is a stat, “teammates” is measured, and a major focus of the current choices is to what degree the PC blames their failures on their teams.
At other times, it feels like I, the player/reader, am a spectator in this universe. The player doesn’t know everything about the lore, but in the text there is both at times an over-abundance of it and at other times a shortage of it. On the one hand, I don’t need to know about every eSports gamer of note unless they are relevant to that scene or will come up in the future (for instance, the paragraph mentioning “Vigil” is the largest paragraph on that page and has no real effect).
On the other hand, when it comes to actual relevant (or potentially-relevant) information, that tends to be missing. I know there’s a glossary and a timeline, but I’m of the opinion that they should be referred to as little as possible, as flipping to it breaks the flow of reading.
Oh, and did I mentioned that they defeated Team Blue last season to become the defending champion of the US National?
What does this mean? Well, I have to go to the timeline to learn that Team Blue were a major historic team and beating them was a major achievement – but I shouldn’t have to flip through several screens to know that. The player character clearly knows the implications of this statement - why not state it out plainly?
This is something that could be worked on to stop player alienation. Pertinent facts shouldn’t be left in the timeline – my philosophy is that the game should be playable and understandable without ever having to look at the stats screen, which is only there as a utility. Additionally, perhaps some acronyms should be written in full the first time they are encountered? For instance, the In-Game Leader is addressed as that the first that phrase is used; afterwards, IGL can be used. It’s a balancing act, I admit. There must be enough use of terminology for it to seem authentic, but at the same time a complete overload might be difficult for some to read through.
The narrator also occasionally changes. Usually it is second person, “you”, but occasionally “I” comes through for no apparent reason – as exemplified in the quotes I’ve highlighted – which is jarring.
Again, I hope this was constructive somewhat, and best of luck with the game!
