Choice of the Assassin WORK IN PROGRESS


#1

http://db.tt/oZ6eIALE
Enjoy and leave your feedback! Read my old (closed) post for older details.


#2

Error: line 293: It is illegal to fall out of a *choice statement; you must *goto or *finish before the end of the indented block.
Scene: startup
User Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (iPad; CPU OS 5_1_1 like Mac OS X) AppleWebKit/534.46 (KHTML, like Gecko) Version/5.1 Mobile/9B206 Safari/7534.48.3
Load time: 1359249682753
Persist: whatwg_db


#3

Like I said on an older post you need to try and break away from assassins creed a bit more it seems like a cliché


#4

Error: line 360: Non-existent command ‘goto_3hitpay’
Scene: startup


#5

I know it’s in the early stages, but I do think it would benefit from a wider variety of choice opportunities as you develop it, as opposed to just your weapons and how you want to attack. There’s also some consistency errors in tense, as you switch between past and present in various places, and the first scene seems to be rather disconnected from the rest of the story. On an unrelated issue, I’m fairly certain (though not positive) the 50,000 ducats would have been a massive fortune in most time periods. As for the topic: it will be interesting to see how a text-game apparently based on a video game develops, but I think the fact that readers can associate the images of the latter with the writing contribute to the story.


#6

@BloodDemon - I think thats easily done by removing the hidden blade(and just use a concealed knife/dagger), as thats the only real part of the game that screams assassin creed to me
@revanrulesrussia - liking the game but just a few thing that come to mind. I would have liked to of had control of your first kill(not just read it)could of been amusing, as its it your first, to be given some clumsy brutish options that end in a mess(don’t run to plain)but get the job done. Also I like the assassinations, but the story tends to jump from one contract to the next, no time to really get a feel of, or create a bond with your character…
Could use the time to train in skills/weapons/meet contacts that could help in the future?


#7

First thought that came to my mind whilst reading the first paragraph is that the game is being awfully presumptuous about how I’d like the protagonist. Part of the appeal of a choose your own adventure game is the ability to shape your protagonist to your liking, and while I’m not exactly opposed to playing a pre-established character, it’ll take a lot for the current protagonist to win me over again, as the first paragraph implied an amount of sadism. Not being allowed to customize the protagonist’s name also feels like an unnecessary gesture, and one that wrestles further control away from the player.

Minor errors, masculine pronoun is used for female protagonist, the game assumes the player discovered the dagger no matter which option is chosen, when assassinating the duke stealthily, the game assumes the protagonist has a sword.

The time after the orphanage, as well as the introduction into the world of assassins also seem rather rushed. A loanshark who we, the player, have never seen or interacted with before speaks with a random beggar and hires them for illicit activities? It also seems rather odd that we have no input as to how we go about this job, the protagonist came off as a bit of an idiot when deciding to walk into a crowded tavern in a blood soaked shirt. Granted, this would also bring about the question of why we can’t refuse the job, but that could be easily resolved with a line or two about the protagonist’s impending starvation or such.

When choosing to assassinate the second target outside of his house, I get the message:“Line 293: It is illegal to fall out of *choice statement; you must *goto or *finish before the end of the indented block”. And when choosing the third outside assassination choice, I am taken to the same dinner as if I had chosen to do the task during the dinner. And when choosing to use my wits to get into the luxury tavern, I get “line 397: bad label wits”.

Overall, there are numerous play by play opinions I could run through, but I think most of my issues with the game can be attributed to a lack of choice. The only choices presented at all are in regards to weapons and which nebulous vague way we kill a person, none of which come off as particularly meaningful. As such, the events seem to have very little weight. I’ve seen worse writing, but there are several grammatical errors, most prominently in the formatting of dialogue.

I apologize if I come off as harsh, but I merely wish to offer my advice on what I believe could be improved.


#8

Error: line 397: bad label wits
Scene: startup
User Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (iPad; CPU OS 5_1_1 like Mac OS X) AppleWebKit/534.46 (KHTML, like Gecko) Version/5.1 Mobile/9B206 Safari/7534.48.3
Load time: 1359276605430
Persist: whatwg_db


#9

I don’t feel that aesthetic choices are as meaningful as some people feel they are, but that’s a rather subjective point.

Choices that impact the story as a whole would be lovely, thusfar we’ve only had superficial weapon choices and choosing which way we kill a guy. Part of the problem is that the story thusfar is very modular, there’s much more emphasis on each individual scene rather than an overarching storyline. But where Vendetta: Rise of a Gangster uses its modularity to lovingly and meticulously craft and refine the characters, the protagonist, and the world around them, Choice of the Assassin rushes the scenes far too quickly for much of anything to be fleshed out. As such, they come off as rather uninteresting to me, especially due to the lack of choice.

I would recommend allowing us to customize the protagonist’s personality much more, the offhand sentence or two reacting to how we spent out childhood by no means fleshes him/her out, nor does it have any lasting significance. Allowing the player more input in regards to dialogue would definitely help this along, I don’t recall being able to decide a single line the character says at any point.

I’m sure there are other ways to make the work feel more expansive, but I can’t quite think of any at the moment. Feel free to utilize my suggestions at your leisure, I could be dead wrong about all of this.


#10

@13ventrm No, no. This is exactly the feedback I need. I will try to get into more depth, but I am an beginner in terms of coding. But I will make the story more elaborate. Storywise, I can improve it by stating that the loanshark saw you were strong, due to the intense labor at the church. The bloodsplattered shirt shows that your character is a beginner. At first, the assassin will come off more as a mercenary, a gun for hire, then an actual assassin. But I will take your advice deeply and I will try to fix those coding errors, dammit!

How would you reccomend more choice?


#11

@revanrulesrussia this does not feel very interactive at all…you should be able to choose your own name and what your cloak looks like etc


#12

I don’t think choice of name and cloak would make it feel more interactive. That’s purely aesthetic after all. What would make it more interactive is if you could make more detailed choices during gameplay, liking talking to people for example.


#13

@revanrulesrussia Also maybe you can interact with the main contracters family. Like maybe they have a son/daughter your age that helps you with your assasinations and later becomes a RO option? I also want the setting to kind of cut away from renaissance italy and maybe put in a more of a unique universe (That is depend on how you want the story, When I first read this I thought that it was either set in a Steam/Cyberpunk world OR 21st centuary) But maybe you could also choose which orphanage you were raised in (Rough,Well established, etc) and on which one you choose limits what you can do in your childhood. ( So if you choose rough orphanage , you get more streetwise.) and this would really shape my MC. And maybe to prevent people from thinking this as an AC choice game instead of calling it a hidden blade, how about calling it a concealed weapon? Sorry for all that.


#14

I think aesthetics are important, lets you customise them to create more of a bond with your character.
But having options on how you gather Intel on your mark, how or if you do surveillance first(picking the best time to strike) training options, and buying weapons more( so limit the options on the missions to weapons you have been given or brought? )
I think some of these could also help slow down and extend the story


#15

Oof. I’m sorry for the delay, guys. I’ll try to get an update out this week…keep your fingers crossed.


#16

@revanrulesrussia

Are you having trouble with coding?


#17

You could do a lot with the stats with this.

Name
Money #
Stealth %
Agility %
Strength %
Charm %
Patience(?) % (You could do this or not)

Then you could give them more choices about how they kill their targets.

Poison their drink: (Stealth)
Climb up a wall and stab them: (Agility)
Walk up and swing an axe at their face: (Strength)
Socialize with them, earning their trust, then going in for the kill while you are alone (Charm & Patience)

And then you can use combinations of others (Stealth & Agility).


#18

@smerr, this thread hasn’t had any activity in months, so it’d be considered dead. We’d prefer that you don’t hash up old threads that have perished.


#19

The idea is interesting,

But there aren’t quite enough choices, they are a several grammar/spelling errors, the diction level is only moderate, it seems a little rushed, it can get vague at times, and there aren’t any stats. I know that this is just a demo but as it is, I’d give it a 2 or 3, so I truly hope that you will revise this.