Camp B9-42: Cursed History (WIP) (CHAPTER 2 OUT) (28/11/18)

science-fiction
adult-fiction
gender-choice

#1

“Take a minute”

“Focus on the snow.”
“Focus on your breathing.”
“Focus on the trees.”
“Focus on the sparrows.”

“Memorize the every flutter of their wings.”
“Memorize the every flash of grey and red.”
“Memorize the slight taste of salt in the air.”
“Memorize the bleak grey color of the sky.”

“Now breathe and tell me about Camp B9-42”

DEMO: https://dashingdon.com/play/oliverfell-/camp-b9-42/mygame/

The idea

I am not one to speak of monster and men, to me they have always been the same. When the war ended in 1945 everyone thought that was the last we had heard of concentration camps and killing on such a scale but that was true.

It’s now 2080 and Camp B9-42 is open for business with fear rampant in the street and a rebellion seemingly on the way the president thought this was the world only option

But no one know what truly happens behind these gates

When you are picked up in the streets and taken on the train to death, you arrive at Camp B9-42 were everyday is a mission to survive. it will take all your courage and strength to last and escape and you know that when you leave here your life will never be the same.

“Welcome to Camp B9-42. I do hope you enjoy your stay.”

ROs

Stephan (Playersexual)
Black hair, green eyes, pale skin
Stephan has been at Camp B9 for so long he’s stopped counting the days. Hes managed to survive through the use of wits and smarts but upon your arrival Stephan senses a opportunity hes never had before. A opportunity to escape.

Eva (Playersexual)
Brown hair, blue eyes, lightly tanned
Eva still has scars from the first day that the guards beat her. she finds it very hard to trust people anymore because everyone she has loved has been taken away from her. will you be the key to her opening up again or are you too doom to follow the same path as everyone she has loved before.

Lucy(Playersexual)
Blonde hair, blue eyes, tan
Lucy arrived the same day you did and only managed to survive due to sheer luck. her perfect world is crumbling around her and will Camp B9-42 be the cause of her descent into madness

One more male RO (kept secret for now)

OK great now that that’s outta the way. I’m looking for any feedback for the story or grammar wise. sorry about the first chapter not containing any choices but I really first wanted to introduce you to the story and everything included.

Next couple chapter will introduce you to the characters and the actually plot and will feature choices as well

I hope to have the second chapter out in the next 2 weeks so stay tuned and be warned i do intend for this game to be rather mature including stuff such as rape and murder etc so fair warning

Changelog
-edits to chapter 1
-Chapter 2 released

Plans
-Chapter 3
-rework of WIP
-Full character plans
-Possible drawings of characters


#2

Found a few grammar mistakes. Interesting concept, would play further.

Without any choices or a bigger intro to the story it’s hard to give more feedback. It might be possible/worthwhile to incorporate this background info as the PC gets into the story. Good luck, look forward to seeing more!


#3

There’s an error here too:
Memorize the every flutter of their wings.
Memorize the every flash of grey and red.
Here, “the” is unnecessary. :slight_smile:

Uhh… This is just my opinion, but I would recommend not using real-world names in your game, especially if they are well-known political figures. Politics is, after all, a sensitive issue. Best to avoid any unnecessary contention!


#4

I…hmm. My advice is to proceed slowly, and carefully. I think this could be a very good story, but for a lot of people it’s going to be very reminiscent of the worst thing that happened in their family’s entire history.

The only criticism I’d make is to echo what someone else said. Directly referencing actual people and events is going to bother people. Trust your audience to see the parallels you’re drawing. It’ll actually be more powerful if they see it on their own.


#5

pretty cool read, the story seems promising

only one problem though, mentioning the whole Trump thing as the only benchmark after the holocaust is just bad taste IMO, i mean, it’s the goddamn holocaust, even the war crime in vietnam can’t really compare to that (and i’m not only talking about the american ones, the indochine war wasn’t pretty at all)

also as someone who doesn’t live in the US, i feel that calling it ‘one of the biggest uproar in history’ is kinda pompous, because really, no one really talk about what your president does outside of your country, except when he do international stuff like meeting with EU representative, we have our own crisis


#6

I agree with @Balrog_Demorgothe on this. Not only could it spark some petty debate in the thread later on, but I’m not sure how well it would age, especially if this WiP takes several years to complete (as many do) and by then the whole controversy is forgotten. Of course, you’re the author so you can leave it in, but I personally think it would be best to leave anything that could get political out of your game. Besides that, the start looks pretty good so far :smiley:


#7

Interesting idea man can’t wait to see where it goes, best of luck mate.


#8

Ok wow. Just… wow! Yeah, there were a few grammar errors here and there, but overall… long story short, I look forward to more!


#9

This sounds like it’s gonna be a fun and happy read read. It will be interesting trying to escape and the decisions you have to make to get there.


#10

I gonna do my best to avoid offending anyone, that said if anyone does have a problem with the story i’ll gladly change it

I agree with all the points that you are making but i’ll really trying to make this world seem real and by adding in there real world happenings i think that it would help.


#11

well, if you really want to add real world happenings, you should restrain that to other genocide, because, well, only a genocide can really compare to another genocide, like the whole South african thing or the armenian genocide or the genocide of the tutsi, at least when it come to ‘bad thing’, because it’s a very sensitive topic, for good thing that gave people hope after the holocasut, you can pretty much add anything, like the space exploration or the recent peace in korea or just stuff you personaly found awesome

after, all that is just my opinion, so do what you feel is right, i guesse


#12

I like story like this because how it show history can come back at an time or can here or now


#13

Holy s***! That last part was totally unexpected.


#14

Echoing what others have said: In addition to the risk of dating the project and attracting unwanted attention by directly invoking present-day politics, it’s somewhat distasteful to follow up Nazi atrocities, and by extension World War II, with a very recent and comparatively minor incident. I’m not a fan of that policy so I’m not defending it, but saying that it resulted in “one of the biggest uproars in history” feels like it’s trivializing both World War II and the Holocaust. If I may dip a bit into real-world news to illustrate my point: The referenced policies of the current administration was poorly received on the international stage, but that basically amounted to frowny faces of disapproval. There was a stronger reaction against the ongoing Russia-Ukraine conflict and that didn’t amount to much! I also agree that it seems very USA-centric to go from Nazis to Trump, ignoring all the other incidents between 1945 and 2018 that would more clearly invoke the idea of history repeating + humans never learning and resulted in much greater international outcry and consequences, ex. the continuing existence of North Korea or even US actions in Vietnam.

It’s also a poor fit from a narrative view, as it goes directly from a long-term atrocity that resulted in millions of deaths across multiple countries to an unjust but almost bloodless single-country incident to 2050’s apparent global collapse. The second example seems strangely disconnected from the ones that bookend it and it seems like replacing or removing the example might be less jarring. It’s also unclear if Edinburgh is just the President of the United States or if the post-2050 world has some kind of one-world government, which is important to establish even in this demo since it indicates the scope of these camps and Edinburgh’s power. It would also help place things since in the US long-distance passenger trains aren’t nearly as common as in, say, Europe; if you’re aiming for a clear parallel to WWII-era deportation you could let the player choose their city of departure, which would establish location and ground the narrative so it’s not taking place in a vacuum.

I’m not trying to discourage you or disparage your idea; it’s a short demo so I may be missing out on clarifications that would come in later, and what you have so far is atmospheric and well-written barring minor spelling/grammar quibbles that have already been pointed out. I like the reasoning given behind 2050 and hope we get to learn more about it; I also appreciate the implication that the camp will have a negative effect on one of the ROs, which feels natural given the setting and indicates that you aren’t planning to neglect its traumatic effects. I do think it would be a good idea to consider what is and isn’t necessary to your narrative; you’re so obviously drawing on a real and potentially fraught subject that it warrants special care, especially since you plan on including things like rape and murder. I can tell you’re passionate about the story you want to tell and I hope you take this post for what it is, a sincere attempt at constructive advice by someone who’s interested in seeing where things go.


#15

Really liked this! Have you watched the movie snowpiercer? It really (i feel) fits with the story and if you haven’t watched it I definitely recommend it.
Good luck on the story!


#16

Since this has been a major issue concerning this story I was thinking of doing a poll on it. Since my limits are different from others and i can use this information to try and find a sweet spot where i don’t offend or make anyone upset whilst being able to enjoy the story and making it filling for everyone

  • This is a sensitive topic and needs to be treated as such, so maybe tone back the amount of murder and rape.
  • Make it optional so that way everyone can enjoy the story and decide for themselves.
  • Keep true to the heart of the story and don’t censor anything in the story.
  • Other

0 voters

If you voted other what do you think?


#17

I chose tone it down, but tbh I’m not totally committed to that choice because, well, I feel like there’s not enough information to form a real opinion. My concern is less about the murder and more about the rape.

Have you ever experienced or know someone who has experienced it? I can’t know that about your life, so sorry if I sound presumptious. But the reason rape is such a problem is most fiction is that it’s not treated as something real. It’s used to shock people or to make the work edgier or to “prove” that the setting is a dark place, and nothing comes of it beyond that. The act itself and the victims who have to suffer because of it are just tools for a dark narrative and it’s never handled with the care and compassion victims need to survive their trauma. There’s no respect.

I would prefer to know what you actually have in mind in using it in your story before I can say if I think you should tone it down or not. All you said is that it’s in there but the poll makes it sound like it’s gratuitous and that’s not a good sign. Especially if you’re just going to write a scene of some throw-away female characters being raped to remind the player the world sucks. Especially especially if you’re just going to use it to traumatize a female character because drama.

I could be totally wrong and it might be handled wonderfully and like something I would be totally okay reading, which is why I said I don’t have enough information.

In the end, it’s up to you and how you’re planning to handle it, but it’s always a good idea to take a step back and ask yourself why you think this story needs rape.


#18

I don’t mean to be mean but this story is a very explicit holocaust allegory. To have it tagged as young-adult-fiction and to rather prominently advertise the romantic options I don’t know how to phrase this but it seems wrong.

I’m not opposed to choice of games being used for darker subject matter but I hope you can see where my apprehension is coming from.


#19

I feel like saying not to advertise the romance for this is a little bit unfair, i’m pretty sure that in some case there was some form of romance in these camps i’m not at all saying that they were having the times of there lives in there not at all but for them this was there way out of what was going on around them and there way of maintaining hope this is what I’ve seen at least


#20

Censoring anything when it come down to that kind of story is one of the worst thing you can do, IMO, there is a reason that what happened back then is considered one of the worst thing that ever happened and mainstream media and entertainement already tone down the horror of those events a lot, to the point a lot of people seems to not even realise the horrible shit that actualy happened and just see this as a bunch of soldiers shooting each other while some civilians were waiting in camps

and i just don’t like self censoring in general

after, you wouldn’t really be able to classify it as young adult if you don’t tone it down, so it depend on what is most important for you