A Supernatural Story WIP (Next Update: Late January/Early Febuary)

[Red_Eyes]

I think it’s about time I took a stab at this choice game thing. I’ve been around this forum for years now, checking out all the cool stuff, so why not make a little game to share.

I only have the prologue done so the word count is about 5,243. I don’t know where this story’s going to go, but at least I’ll have something to take my mind off of my college work.

WARNING: This game has bad language, gore, and horror in it.

EDIT: I fixed the error on the demo! So it should be fine now!
EDIT2: Here’s what I have on the whole story you play in:

You live in an alternate earth of sorts. In this world about sixty percent of the world population has some sort of powers, enough to fulfill your everyday tasks with ease. However, in that sixty percent there are some people who are born with extravagant powers.

But unfortunately it isn’t you, it’s your sister.

You see, you come from the Seymour Family known up and down the North East of the US for their long ancestral line of psychics. Being the next heir to the family fortune, you were expected to do great things, But when your sister was born, everything changed for the worse.

Holding secret contempt for her, what will you do when she needs your help? Will you help her? What will happen when you stumble across an ancient evil? Will you use it for personal gain? Will you let it consume you? Only time will tell…

good lord this sounds so cheezy! but that’s all I could think of as of right now.

I’m also going to post a bit of description about some of the races in the game. I don’t want to talk about the characters for now, because things can change.

To play the demo, go here: https://dashingdon.com/play/superweaboobros/a-supernatural-story/mygame/index.php?cb=20418

Tell me what you think!

[L0G1C]

Just a word of advice, put a warning that it contains vulgar language. I’m not sure if it’s a rule, but it’s just a good thing to do most of time The demo looks appealing and I’d like to see where this story goes!

[Red_Eyes]

Oops, good idea!

[Umbreonpanda]

Really like it so far!

[sarad321]

First few minutes of the demo and I’m already planning on drawing my MC (and I’m getting a little nostalgic w/ how much this reminds me of some of the books I used to read as a kid, which I probably shouldn’t have been reading as a kid… tbh)

The prologue immediately got me hooked and the writing in general is immersive and really puts out the mindset of a teen who is done af. I’m excited to see more of this!

[Red_Eyes]

Thanks! I’m an artist too! I’d like to see your drawings!

I’ll be adding more character customization later anyway.

[Red_Eyes]

Yeah it’s unfortunate but don’t be too sad, you might have an opportunity in the future to fulfill your desire…

[Vattena]

@Red_Eyes
This are what I found

and yeah, i'm really nitpicky here, sorry

Just unnecessary space.

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The second “Alright” should be “alright”, no capitalization.

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Should be “From”, the capitalization.

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Second “with” is unnecessary.

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infact?

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monotonous

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Just need space after dot/fullstop.

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Should be “you”, no capitalization.

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collar?

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Is this part the end of the demo for now?

Because I stuck in this part I don’t know about others though.

There also this error when trying to save

Error:

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The game pretty interesting to me, I admit that part where Jerry(?) suddenly wake up a bit creepy Also, is MC smoking habit is plot related?

[Red_Eyes]

I dont mind, nitpick away!

But yeah, when I went on dashingdon to test it out, it stopped there too. That definatly isnt where the demo ends. Unfortunately I dont know how to fix it.

Ad with the saving function, I dont know how to have one implemented, im guessing I have to code one in, so that will be take care of a soon as i have time.

And yes, you could say that the MC’s smoking habit is apart of the plot. I have a loose string going for it, but I just have to find something to tie it to.

Basically Im making this up as it goes, but I still do have a plotline im following…somewhat.

[Umbreonpanda]

@Vattena

Is this part the end of the demo for now?

Because I stuck in this part I don’t know about others though.

I got stuck there as well. It’s probably a glitch… since I didn’t show the end.

[blob]

you could write *page_break instead making a new scene every time, yknow…
I got the error too trying to pick mc’s gender

edit:

the error

I think the cause of error is *goto_scene page19 on scene page18 since page19 doesn’t exist yet. change it with *finish. also maybe delete nonexistent scenes from *scene_list?

typos

I don’t think you need these since you already used quotation marks.

seizes?

[bbymorphine]

Not bad, not bad at all my friend.

I don’t usually go for supernatural genres but I dig the realistic atmosphere, not a fan of those classic fantasy-fiction-good-guy books. I also have a feeling this might become a gritty, kind of dirt-in-nails adventure, especially from how ‘over this shit’ Seymour seems to be.

I also really cherish how for once I don’t have to forage the internet for a decent lastname for my character. Though I’m going to assume that you plan to add an option that allows readers to create their own first name?

Do you have an idea of what the story will evolve around? Or a particular supernatural creature that is represented more? I’m just trying to think of something that may help with the title, since we all like to believe we are pure and see with no filters but let’s be real: people do judge a book by its cover, as this may attract more readers, and I really want to see this WiP grow and prosper.

Just a few things I found in the prologue

. No space before comma
. gripped
. collarbone
. Replace fullstop with comma, because not end of sentence.

. Replace fullstop with comma
. Again, replace fullstop with comma
. I think you meant to?
. Replace fullstop with comma and make the ’He’ lowercase

. It’s hard to tell when to use a hyphen or em dash but I’m pretty sure you want to be using the latter here, could also play around with italics. Otherwise it might be read similar to how you say Toys-R-Us rather than ’The corpse- no (beat)- Jerry…’
. Use either the man, once dead, … or the once dead man…
. Past tense so use darted
. Overall, the second sentence in the first paragraph is a little confusing, I would reccomend breaking it into two,
.’his eyes on him’ is confusing, suggest replacing his with their
. Delete the extra with
. Replace and with a comma
. Add question mark. If you still want that impactful effect, I suggest italics to add emphasis.

. No comma needed here, causes a break in the flow.

Lastly, does Seymour become a supernatural creature themselves? Or is this more like, we have to save our town by stopping the supernaturals, investigate the crimes, get involved somehow ? Or both?

[Red_Eyes]

These are some good questions!

Well, the story’s main plot will mostly follow the murders. Im debating how deep the player will go into it, since they would need an event that would jump start their interest.

However, what im trying to do is write your typical teenage supernatural story from the outsiders perspective. You arent playing a perfect teenage girl caught between two supernatural lovers, your playing as her older sibling. So how you interact with her amd her friends will have an impact on the story, I hope.

But Im also going into this story with ideas I got from shows like Supernatural, Vampire Diaries, Hellsing, and Crimminal Minds. What I mean by this is that the world is basically a supernatural kitchen sink. There isn’t just one supernatural race that will be in the story. But of course Im planning on having Vampires and Werebeasts take the spotlight because of how popular they are.

Im debating wether or not Seymour turns into a suoernatural creature. Its a good idea, but im not far enough into the story to see it clearly. If it seems doable in the future, you can lool forward to it.

There’s a lot more I want to say, but im just going to leave it at that for the plot.

Also, thanks for those grammar corrections.

[blob]

@Red_Eyes

You arent playing a perfect teenage girl caught between two supernatural lovers, your playing as her older sibling.

me

[valentine_v_daygirl]

[Red_Eyes]

Yeah, im trying to figure this out right now. Strange thing is that its working fine for me on ChoiceScript IDE.

If anyone’s a coding expert I’d love to have some of your wisdom.

[bbymorphine]

Yess, I can really appreciate books were the MC isn’t the ‘chosen one’ and the whole world doesnt completely revolve around them. Man, I kinda feel bad for Seymour and all the shit their gonna be dragged into. The MC is just a normal teenager stuck in a big bad supernatural world…

Anxious to meet our younger sibling too, will we be able to determine their gender? Or is it already set as female? And how come they’ve got the spotlight and we don’t?

Also, I’m calling it now Clay is a supernatural creature of some sort, I mean there’s gotta be more to it than just makeup. *squints eyes * I also have a feeling that this Sarah character will die somehow, or get turned into a creature and Clay will have to deal with it (or not) , like a growing character arc for Clay that turns out for better or worse depending on Seymour’s choices. That’ll be nice.

Had a look over the first chapter

. Past tense shot
. Past tense blinked
. Past tense became
Here I realised the text continues to jump from past and present tense please stick to one tense at a time
. Add comma after ‘Startled’
. Optional comma after right
. in fact
. No capitalisation on ‘Class’
. No capitalisation on ‘Silent’

. ‘that shielded them’
. Replace fullstop with comma, lowercase ‘She’
. Replace fullstop with comma
. Lowercase ‘The’ and replace fullstop with comma
. Replace fullstop with comma

. monotonous
. Replace fullstop with a comma, lowercase ‘He’
. Swap around ‘list long’ so it is ‘long list’
. Space after fullstop
. Lowercase ‘You’
. Add the before ‘sue’
. them

. serious

. Replace fullstop with comma, lowercase ‘He’
. Replace fullstop with comma
. Lowercase ‘Anything’

. Replace fullstop with comma, lowercase ‘He’
. Replace fullstop with comma, lowercase ‘You’

. cheshire

. Lowercase so it’s ‘Forty-five’
. minutes
. Lowercase ‘You’
. Add capital letter on where
. Delete the extra ’t

This is just my opinion so feel free to completely ignore; but the beginning of the first chapter were there’s a series of it hurts… get away, GET AWAY, etc , is quite lengthy. You’d still have the same effect with just a couple of those rather than five or six. Maybe I’m just an impatient bastard but it felt like I was reading some otome game were you need to click next for every single damn sentence. You could still include them, just in another paragraph rather than a different scene for each.

I also got stuck on the gender choice, I wish I knew choicescript so I could help but I really don’t know, sorry!

[Umbreonpanda]

@Red_Eyes

You arent playing a perfect teenage girl caught between two supernatural lovers, your playing as her older sibling.

…Wait, I have a sister?

[bbymorphine]

Maybe you should add a small summary in the original topic post?

[VioletHikari]

Maybe it’s the “tall female” choice that has the glitch? I chose the “short female” and it gave me no issues. Though, I am very curious as to what my MCs power is, and I’m surprised no one has made a comment about it yet… . Either way, I like this WiP so far, and look forward to it’s next update. My only issue is that the MC is a smoker…