I honestly dont believe anything will be done. The author only seem to value positive critisisms and so far ignored all the real questions and comments that critisised the work.
I personaly think that the only way to redeem the project is to completely scrap it but the author seem convinced that their idea is dark edge supreme instead of literally just gross to everyone who isnt an edgeplant.
If you want to write a cannon MC and their personal experience with abuse and mental illness and such, you can. The problem is that the MC doesnât feel like a real person, and that is partially because everything is rushed with no build up and background info.
Counting Spoons had a defined MC that did do some things I wouldnât personally do, but I liked it because the MC felt real and like her real story and a good portrayal of mental health. I donât know how to explain what makes it different (maybe because I have more experience with the counting spoon topic); Maybe someone better with explaining could.
https://dashingdon.com/play/Felicity/counting-spoons/mygame/
As for the glorification of violence, I think they may be refering to there being no reason (or at least in game) for it and not a whole lot saying that the violence is wrong (by a NPC at least) when stuff like self harm frequently occurs at least in comparison to ghost attacks and serial killers.
I forced myself to read some more too.
The self-harming read as unrealistic to me too.
I think if the OP were writing about their own personal issues, if this is something theyâd personally experienced and wanted to write about that would be one thing.
Cheers 
Iâll try and work that in.
As for the self harm scene how in particular does it seem unrealistic and what not? And which one? As there are two self harm scenes. Is either one worse/better than the other?
As for scrapping it, I at least want to have a go, I donât want to give up straight awayâŚBut my plan is to rewrite and extend part one and if I get more specific criticism and my rewritten part one is received better rewrite the self harm scenes. The next update will just be an updated part one however, if part one still feels not good enough and that Iâm not even getting close at least to handling it well and making it seem realistic, then I probably would scrap it, but I at least want to have a go rewriting that part using the feedback I have received and see if the sentiments about the part change at all.
I only saw the first one. It felt like it was written by someone whoâd glanced at an article on the subject. Iâd actually seriously suggest against doing anymore research into the subject, and just drop that aspect of the story. And the suicide.
I think, itâs youâre writing a story filled with horrible things. But these horrible things do actually happen, are actually experienced by some members of the forum, and can be terribly triggering. Even if itâs just a case of being badly written, it can hurt people.
With my sister, I know that any reading or watching things about self-harm would trigger her to self-harm. (She had a whole minefield of triggers though.) She spoke about her own experiences of therapists that just didnât understand it, and whose techniques of coping with it were as if theyâd just read it out of a book, and didnât work at all.
When I was in my teens I wrote about characters who were suicidal. There was some catharsis in it, and it was a way of dealing with my own feelings. I look back on what I wrote and I cringe. Actually I look back on a lot of what I did in my teens, while I was online and cringe. But I was writing for me, not for anybody else.
So I am a bit leery of telling someone they shouldnât write something, especially if itâs deeply personal to them. But thereâs that line between deeply personal, and trying to be shocking for the sake of being shocking.
I think trigger warnings on the first post, which youâve done, are a really good idea.
I will agree that this story seems to just glance off of the real subject of abuse.
It almost reads like a comedian who is trying to be (as some have put it before) âedgyâ and dark.
Honestly I really couldnât get through this (not because I myself am âtriggeredâ by it) because it just is so painful to read in regards to grammar and pacing and just generally how casually it seems to regard the subject of abuse and self harm.
If you want to write a story about this kind of material and you are not familiar with this kind of territory I would suggest educating yourself on the subject matter.
I will say that itâs great you learned how to code, but I would recommend playing around with it more as well as developing and researching a more concrete idea.
Triggers are a natural psychological reaction, please donât put them in quotation marks.
The only good thing I can say about this is the neat color changes.
The negatives I have are the same as everyone elseâs:poor handling of a delicate subject,atrocious pacing,weird choices,grammar errors that made the story painful to read and the âedgyâ content that didnât make me cringe made me extremely uncomfortable.
This kind of story can work,it really can.But the execution is just terrible.
Maybe do some research on the subject?Trade in the edginess for some subtlety?Fix up some grammar errors?
Either way,at least you now know how to code.Congratulations.
Thinking out more carefully who your main character is would do the story a lot of good. There are a lot of reasons abused people donât leave, so whatâs theirs? Both Emma and the MC have mental issues; what kind? One thing happens after another, to people that are hard to picture.
Spend a little more time on your characters, and the things that happen to them will be more realistic and meaningful. Your greyed-out choices are good for getting inside the MCâs head, is there a way to show us more of who they are and how they became this way?
Scenes donât have to be 100% realistic, but they have to be believable and relatable. Reading educational articles about depression can be helpful, but it doesnât necessarily help write interesting stories. (Anyone who is sensitive about self-harm, donât read this post.)
I have some questions that might help you design the MCâs mental state and make the self-harm scene more powerful. You donât need to include answers to all these questions in a scene, but itâs still good to know things about your characters behind the scenes.
Disclaimer: Iâm not a mental health expert.
The MC cries, but we donât get to see the details of her emotions. Her emotions are very important, because theyâre the central motivation of the scene. Does she hate herself? Does she actually want to cut her abusive father, but misdirects her anger at herself? Does she feel hopeless? Powerless, unable to control herself? Powerful? Is she angry and wants to âpunishâ herself? You can describe her emotions in more detail. One nice way to describe emotions is to use metaphors, as if her emotions are tangible beings or demons that attack and manipulate her, because her emotions can feel as huge and unmovable as mountains to her.
You wrote that she hurts herself to feel alive. If itâs her core reason to self-harm, it stills should be expanded more, because currently itâs kind of abstract and difficult to understand. How does it make her feel alive? Is she a masochist or adrenaline junkie who gets excitement from pain/danger? Does she like having physical scars that match her mental wounds? After cutting, is she relieved that she didnât kill herself - letting her appreciate her life at least a little? I personally donât recommend making her desensitized and self-harming just because of routine, because it prevents you from getting the full emotional impact of the scene.
You can also describe how her emotions make her feel physically, for example her heartbeat increases, she breathes faster, she feels nauseous. Physical descriptions are easy to relate to. Theyâre also relatively easy to write: just think about the saddest/scariest/most painful moment that happened to you and how you felt then, but exaggerate it until the description fits in the scene.
You can also use the environment as a tool to describe her feelings; does she for example feel safe in the bathroom, locked away from the evil world, or does she feel trapped? Does she feel ashamed that sheâs self-harming in a friendâs house and might be caught, or does she feel betrayed and lonely because her friend doesnât notice and doesnât come to protect her?
You can also add some action to the scene, so that it doesnât become 100% descriptions of emotions. She can throw insults at herself. She might also have flashbacks of something bad happening to her. She might imagine herself in nightmarish scenarios where all her hopes and dreams are crushed permanently. You can use the scene to show her worst fears and the deepest darkness of her mind.
Of course you can also describe the act of violence in more detail, but the characterâs reaction to it is more important than the act itself. You can show a lot of information about the character. Why does she always use a corkscrew? Does it have special meaning to her, or is it just the most convenient tool? Does she harm herself aggressively or carefully? Does she have a pattern or is it random? Is she worried about cutting too deep, or does she want to push the limits for some reason? Is she confident that she can cause herself the exact amount of harm she wants, or does she like gambling with her life? What would she do if she cut a big artery - would she tell Emma or let herself bleed out? Does she fantasize about almost dying and being saved by someone (because it would prove someone cares about her enough to save her)? Is she grossed out at all, or did she use to be squeamish in the past, but isnât anymore? Does she harm visible body parts (for example wrists), only parts that can be easily hidden (shoulders, thighs) or parts that will never be seen by someone accidentally (chest)? Does she react to the pain by for example almost shouting, or does she just shrug it off?
Why does she want to hide her self-harm from Emma? What does she imagine would be Emmaâs reaction of she found out? Does she think Emma would be angry/disappointed at her and would stop supporting her? Does the MC think Emma would consider her weak and broken, and doesnât want Emmaâs pity? Is she scared about being forced into a hospital?
I, for one, think the story isnât too dark and edgy. Nothing is ever too edgy for me⌠I guess Iâm one of them edgelords 
One more idea: something that could prevent the MC from going to the police could be that her abusive father is so charismatic and manipulative, that he could easily convince everyone that heâs innocent. Even worse, make him such a good liar that he could easily make everyone believe the MC abuses him, and not the other way around. The father could be a âmodel citizenâ and loved by the community on the outside, but in the privacy of the house he would become a narcissistic monster. The MC, on the other hand, would be seen as an unstable, unemployed and unemployable rebel by everyone except Emma. People would think her father is working hard to take care of her and that sheâs just ungrateful, because they donât know what really happens. If she showed the bruises from the beatings to anyone, sheâd be told she probably caused them by self-harming.
Cheers for the feedback . To answer the questions about part 1(think they were questions just to get me thinking, but hopefully typing them out will help people figure out what Iâm aiming for and if any of the mcâs canon should be changed/better emphasised etc. which is why Iâm just covering part 1 qsâŚalso for reference part1 covers up to emma answering her door)
covering the questions about self harm below so donât read it if those answers might make you feel uncomfortable
The MC leaves as so they can have a break from home life, to give them a breather and so they can spend time with one of their friends, emma without her father breathing down her neck. The reason she doesnât leave permanently is because she knows her dad wants to control her life he couldnât accept her moving out, so would lose him. She hates her dad but her dad has cut her off from other family members so heâs all sheâs got. As for mental health issues she is somewhat detached from reality, her emotions and thoughts and very detached from those around her.
Well certain parts of the story/mc vary on how much theyâre based on me but my mc has trouble feeling and understanding her emotions so sheâs feeling nothing/little to nothing in terms of emotions maybe depressed, but she wouldnât be able to process it/understand it. Yes she feels hopeless and powerless as she wants some kind of family but has to have her father or nothing.
She feels alive as the pain draws her back to reality, reminds that the world around her is real and that she can interact with it, drawing her attention away from her thoughts and emotions. She feels relieved as she feels less detached from the world around her and those in it.
By locking herself in the bathroom itâs putting a barrier between her and the world, and yes make her feel safer, less exposed even though in both self harm scenes emma isnât in the house and wont be for some time. She doesnât feel betrayed or guilty with regards to being in her friendâs house, emma isnât in her mind at all during those scenes(except when explicitly stated obvs and then sheâs not thinking how itâd make emma feel, she is just closed off to people, the less they know the better)
She always uses a corkscrew as she doesnât want to die or hurt herself, she just wants the effects it achieves, harming herself is a bi product. So the knife attachment wouldnât achieve this, and she always has her penknife on hand, so itâs a matter of it being a personal and conveniant item. She scratches straight lines along her fore arms, not paying much attention to the amount of pressure being applied. No she isnât thinking/concerned about cutting too deep and the fact she might seriously harm herself isnât something sheâs thought of. If she cut an artery, sheâd panic not expecting it, not know what to do and die.
Finally yes sheâs socially awquard. Often speaks in a monotone or with the wrong inflextions and since sheâs detached tells the police what happened as if she was stating the weather or something. Her dad is fairly charismatic and immensely more socially skilled than her, which is why the police believe him not her.
In the next update since Iâll be just posting part1, the self harm scene wont be up obvs, but itâs still kinda canon for my mc so hopefully all that helped get across what Iâm aiming for. (and yes I know that was quite long, much, much easier for me to write purely descriptively xd)
I donât think that would work for a horror story.
Thereâs a fable about a tied elephant. A young elephant is tied by a rope and no matter how much it pulls, it canât escape. When the elephant grows into a strong adult elephant who can easily break the rope, the elephant doesnât even try because it still sees itself as the weak baby elephant who couldnât break the rope no matter how long or how hard it tried.
My point is that if everybody believes the MC is capable of defeating the father, the MC might see themselves as the adult elephant and rebel. A horror story is about fear and being too weak to defeat the monster while an adventure story is about the hero defeating the monster.
My second and lesser point is that I donât picture the people being too pleased with the father about that. You know with the whole sexist thing that men canât be abused by women because women are âweakâ and whatever. I donât like or agree with sexism, but if thereâs self harm, abuse, and rape, why not have sexism too? The second is that parents are adults and are responsible for the actions of their children (this is cultural, it could be different in the UK where I think this is based). It is the parentsâ âfaultâ that he lets the child attack them and doesnât do anything about it like sending them to a mental hospital to get help after all other efforts have failed. The dad would be mocked in my neighborhood. But, if empathy ( at least the kind where they feel sorry for you, but donât actually try to help you seeing as no one has done anything to stop the MC) exists in the UK/game world, that would be nice, but would also support the idea that I can beat my dad up and no one would care.
Think about how to express MCâs reasons for acting in the story. Figure out a way to show MCâs detachment - maybe with a shift to third person like MC is watching someone else instead of acting herself. If it gives her power and agency show that. If itâs easy for you to tell than to show, think about maybe having the MC writing a diary about her life or flashbacks to a school psychiatrist (or flashforward to her talking to psychiatrist) that analyzes her actions.
For the abuse, have more scenes about the dad and MCâs relationship that shows how he has the upper hand and is in control. Think about how other people could relate to MC. Follow the plot diagram with the establishment of setting and MCâs personality instead of jumping from major topic to major topic. Or look at works like the Tale Tell Heart by Poe and where the MC doesnât see themselves as âbadâ, but through reading the story, the audience understands that the situation was not good. Notice how the story doesnât start off with a dead person, but eases you into the story. Autopilot on no sleep does this well also.
Legally in the UK the child is responsible for their own decisions from age 10. Thatâs it. Also you can live on your own age 16.
What the fuck kind of a question is this? Hold up, everyone in Britain is a sociopath now, here you go, hereâs your confirmation. Me too. Iâve been outed. I have no empathy. Especially if youâre cis.
As a person with severe dissociation: no. That just brings across the absolute wrong idea of dissociation to non-dissosociative readers.
I like the elephant fable though. You guys can look up examples of gaslighting.
@Laguz Iâm not trying to say that everyone in the UK is a sociopath, just that no one where Iâm from would positively care about a child abusing a parent and the parent not doing anything about it. Iâm used to people only caring about children which impacts how sympathetically readers view a MC especially when there is little detail about the MC.
So my biggest problem with this so far is how our MC is behaving in general. This is coming strictly from my personal thoughts and experiences (along with friends) but if Iâm getting abused and Iâm begging others not to tell, then I wouldnât act this way around my abusive father. The whole ârun past himâ and âbarge past himâ idea, only to have him scream at us later on about how heâs going to beat us doesnât quite make since to me. Iâm trying to avoid getting beaten. But that also doesnât mean Iâm going to sit around and cry.
Also the kill choice, in my opinion, just shouldnât be there if we canât choose it. I understand this is supposed to be dark and everything but it just seems . . . unrealistically dark I guess I should say. Suddenly you get the urge to run from your father? Why havenât we done this before? In the beginning our MC thinks he killed their mother, but theyâve never tried to get away?
Perhaps I need more of a backstory and whatâs been happening. All I know is that I canât truly sympathize with my MC because their actions arenât really making sense to me.
Ok thanks again . With regards to empathy, yes this is set in the UK(imagining it in My hometown of Leeds in the north of England) but due to my own perspective most if not all of the characters have selective empathy. E.G lauren cares a good deal for emma and her few other friends, but feels utter indifference towards everyone else. Emma cares greatly for mc and her parents and other family members, indifferent towards everyone else. Mcâs dad cares for the mcâŚkinda, they care about having them act, think etc in the âcorrect wayâ so few if any of my character display empathy as youâd expect the average person would.
Well the greyed out options were suggested, and I thought they were a great idea too, it shows itâs in their mind somewhere at least. Also the mc has run away for short periods of time before(as the mc plans to go back this time too) and it is mentioned, but yes, it needs to be expanded on.
The reason they never permanently tried to get away is because the mcâs dad abused their mother too, so if he did kill her mc wouldnât be surprised and would have accepted it as a possibility for a long time. as I said before she feels the choice is a awful relationship with her dad or nothing so has resigned herself to things not changing. Does that seem ok? realistic? If so again yes I know I definatley need to show this is the case more, which Iâll try to do.
I understand fear, but fear is not ideal. (Except in a horror story)
Well known figures like Martin Luther King Jr. (He spoke out against racism and could have been/was killed), slaves who ran away from slavery when they were born into it and knew the risks if they were caught like Harriet Tubman, Malala Yousafzai (wanted womenâs rights and the Taliban tried to kill her), and others are talked about in school and that could be inspiration for the MC despite the punishment.
I donât have a fear of death, and death sounds better than a life of abuse. Iâm not advocating suicide. I think it might be better to at least try for a better life than knowing that if you stay you might live and be abused or accidentally die from the abuse. The thing is that domestic abuse really happens and you donât want to accidentally make it seem like a person should stay or itâs good. Showing the MC overcoming her situation and living happily ever after would be nice, but that doesnât fit the horror theme and people would usually come out at least with permanent mental scars. (I know if you have friends in Colorado you could use the castle doctrine to legally get the dad killed, but gun laws arenât supper lax in the UK so thatâs not an option).
A young MC that doesnât know that there is a way out would be more understandable to me. Right now, the MC has friends that are nice and are offering a way out and the MC has enough confidence to run away from her father even though we know he will punish us when we get back, but we arenât shown how the father has scared us into staying or details about the mom trying to leave and then ending up dead. Your reason could work, but needs more detail.
He was killed by the CIA. Who admitted to it. The more you know.
An abusive relation between two people does not follow the rules and norms of a âtypicalâ relationship.
This is wrong.
Even with defenses that excuse killing in self-defense, killing another person is never âlegalâ. Never-the-less, this interpretation of the law is wrong within the US, no matter the jurisdiction and I wouldnât follow it.
@CreepyPastaKitty has a very legitimate reason to want to write their story - yet the path to getting this story is peppered with so many land-mines that doing so is going to be a long-haul experience that should not be taken lightly. As a first project this is very ambitious.
My advise would be to go to a private alpha and get some very specific testers to help make this a fine-tuned game.
Abusive relationships are never healthy but the people involved in them might love each-other despite the bad. That is part of the âhorrorâ of being involved in such a relationship.
I donât know the laws in England or the Great Britain legal systems but there is a lot of things in this story that needs to be refined in order to survive any length in the US.
This can be a very viable project @CreepyPastaKitty - and it can help a lot of people understand aspects of being in an abusive relationship that they may not otherwise experience. Things like co-dependency, the influence of culture and traditions and even the way that social services play into such a relationship.
I do not think writing this from reactive-horror perspective is going to be easy and if I were advising you, Iâd actually say that you need to build an outline and summary where the story is going and progress without any âhorrorâ devises mechanically deployed because the strength or weakness of this project is going to be the story of the abusive relationships in it.
@CreepyPastaKitty - I will be happy to help you with both my experiences and testing but I do feel the way youâve laid out the WiP here in public is not the best way to approach in reaching your goals.
ymmv.
I didnât say it was morally right, but itâs an alternative to having a bad person attack or kill you. If the dad doesnât come to the house looking for revenge, then he canât be attacked in self defense, so the law shouldnât impact non violent people.
I donât think the writter should tackle the idea of love in abuse relationships (unless itâs an optional reason), because love is more complicated than something more simpleish like fear.
[details=love rant]
I play otome romance games and I never like the jerk characters or when you have been being nice to character and itâs revealed that the character is evil and the game forces you to still like the evil character. I donât even like annoying characters that whine about stupid stuff thatâs not even true like you cheating. 
Iâd rather be forever alone than unhappy.
Iâm more of the philosophy that if you love something, let it go and if it comes back and is not an idiot, then you can keep it and love it. I watched a show called Prison Wives one time and this one wife was married to a guy who described her as a lost puppy who keeps comming back no matter what he does. The husband was in and out of prison, a drug addict, and had stolen from his own daughter. He was a non violent offender, but I think it would have been better for the children and wife if they didnât have to deal with a drugged out dad. If the wife had given him an ultimatum to get sober or lose his family and offered him visits with his children only if he could pass a pee test, he could have hit rock bottom and sobered up to keep his family (or he could have kept being a drug addict, but at least the kids wouldnât have to worry about their own father robbing them for drug money or watching out for drug paraphernalia when youâre only in elementary school). The wife doesnât have to hate the husband; she just needs to realize whatâs best for everyone.
I just canât see love in an abusive relationship, with the exception of staying long enough to build a case if I have children and am married to an abuser and I donât want him to have custody or unsupervised visitation with my kids. [/details]
But, a domestic violence game that logically explains love and other topics in a way that someone who hasnât gone through that could still understand would be informative, but it would also be extremely difficult to write