What you should do is in startup
*create unselectable false
It doesn’t matter the name of the variable, call it whatever you want.
Then when you have a choice that you want to appear grayed out do
*choice
*selectable_if (unselectable) #Kill them all!
Because the unselectable variable is never going to be true, those choices will only ever appear greyed out.
Make sense?
I’m an adult, but it’s still good to explicitly state any notable triggers that readers might particularly encounter along with the age warning. I’m not triggered by parental abuse because I’m a child. I’m triggered by parental abuse because I was abused by my stepfather.
I don’t know that I see the point of your first choice (after gender) having only one “right” answer. Two answers end the game, and a third gives the reader a “but though must” situation that loops you back to the choice again…leaving only the fourth option to move the game on. If you’re going to railroad the player into the only available option, why put a choice at all?
Edit: And, it looks like that’s not the only time it happens in the story, either…
Thanks 
. Strangely enough I actually got that and managed to get it to work 
. New version up with greyed out options implemented. That also helped me figure out how to do if checks in general so now emma can be your girlfriend, there’s a few stat checks and there’s now only 1 or two insta death options.
I chose to put loops in for options that are between unrealistic and realistic to try and add to the story(does it? modified them in the latest version) Like whilst you’re in town you can choose to get high/drunk but emma wont let you. I added that as I think it adds to the game.
I don’t get the story (which probably has more to do with my lack of understanding than your writing) and it doesn’t seem horror-ish to me. Interactive horror is very difficult to write.
I recommend reading How can text make you frightened?
A 24 year old in my country is an adult who has graduated college most likely and lives in their own place, so the living with parents thing kind of confuses me and makes it seem like the protagonist is more high school age or younger. If the MC is unemployed and living at their parent’s house, they can’t go back with the police to get their stuff; the parent brought and owns everything. Sure the MC could try to claim a weird reverse squatter’s rights or something, but it’s not worth it.
Check out OdicHastings link on post 15 because that’s horror (or don’t because it’s really horrible.
Everything is still too rushed. Maybe instead of you go to the police and you die, have a scene where the police don’t care[details=not effective at that age] (I don’t know how this is going to work in a way that will make it seem like the police are bad. A 24 year old is legally an adult and could leave, at least in their eyes. I don’t know what the MC could want; they can’t take a gamble at CPS (their friends are offering them the equivalent of CPS, but MC won’t take it anyway) or afford a house and food if the dad is away because MC isn’t working or doing the joint living roommate thing. The MC would really have to be younger for this to work.) [/details] and that reinforces that there is no escape, no one cares, and the fear. Just keep having scenes that reinforce the fear and the hopelessness like the article above.
You could try to write hope even though I personally wouldn’t believe it. I played a puzzle game called papao and yo that was a puzzle (not horror) game about child abuse. The dad monster wasn’t 100% bad. He liked to play ball with his son and he helped solve puzzles, but he would be violent when he ate frogs/ got drunk. Try to harness that feeling of calm before the store, Silent Hill before the fog, horror movie before the music feeling.
All the content after we go to our friend’s house doesn’t add to getting to know more about our story, the characters, us, or our view of the world, and the horror element.
I’d recommend making a twine game.
I think that this could make for an interesting game, it just needs a bit of polishing (grammer, punctuation, etc).
I read some of the earlier replies, and I agree, the MC should be a younger age (like around 16), since a teenager may feel more “limited” in ways to deal with an abusive father (if that even made sense).
A few parts did feel a bit “fast-paced” and some others happened without much explanation. So maybe if some scenes can be slowed down, with explanations provided, that can help the reader understand why so-and-so is happening.
In other words, it needs a bit of revisions, but you know, it’s just a rough draft, so no pressure 
Just a small side note: I’d definettly be interested in trying any future updates to this game
I can’t help but find the irony funny here, please forgive me.
Is ok i was in a rush wen i tiped dat
Just posted a new link. This is the last update I will post for a good while as got the basic stuff done, now will try to tackle the more complex criticisms . Posted my plan as a whole for the game, so last few choices are notes really but to give you an idea of what I have in mind. As I said, I may have only just learnt how to code, but had this idea for ages . Plus I wanted to get two darker parts of the game written before I update again.
With regards to age I might struggle making the mc a school student, but I could make it their 18th birthday, and they waited till now to act as they would be entitled/find it easier to get financial support move out etc now they’re 18? Would that be better than having them 24?
Just feel I have to address this, (as it’s getting on my nerves) but “dark” doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with this, as a “dark” story doesn’t have to have to rely on redundant themes, it doesn’t throw things in merely for the shock value… Really, it seems to me that your just adding as many things as possible and avoiding any criticism.
Ok, well I was going for it to show the mc is in a dark place, to character build and for the player to get a better feel for them. How do you feel it comes across as more shock value, and what themes do you feel are redundant?
As I said though just dealing with small issues now, will deal with the bigger more complex issues in the next update.
And on that note that’s one more thing done, you can now input your own name, gender, age and martial arts style, though you aren’t allowed to pick an age below 18.
As someone who had and still sometimes have to deal with an abusive father I must tell you that I barely got over the gender selection and I’m already grossed out.
This story is a weird mix of violence glorification and absolute lack of knowledge concerning mental illness and abusive relationships. The option to cut yourself is just distasteful and I dont understand why you even want to add that in the first place other than to be edgy and again thats the worst possible way to approach this kind of subjects.
I read creepypastas and such too and only the worst ones follow this pattern. A good horror story can make you nervous without having to mention any bad old cliche like rapes, extreme violence and gore. The need to use those things to make your story “dark” show that you have a huge lot to learn on the subject.
I cant find any positive points to this story. I’m sorry but take this as constructive critisism. I can take a lot of heavy stuff but thats not heavy or dark its just unconsiderate.
I’m interested in what you’d think would make a good creepy pasta story?
To me a good creepypasta contain suspense, surprise and mystery. It must leave you asking yourself questions and let your imagination do some of the work. Its why I dislike creepypastas like jeff the killer. In a way it demonise mental illness and on the other hand it just feel like the author tried way too hard in the wrong direction. Of course blood, gore and such themes can help if the setting is right but using this as the base for your story feel as if you tried to fill a bowl with whipped cream and call it a banana split. Its using something that should be used as a secondary element as the main scare tactic and in the end you’re not scared and the only people who end up enjoying the story are “edgy” kids and gore enthusiasts.
Its not an horror story if your only feeling is distgust.
Hmm I should probably spin something off into what makes a good creepypasta? Only I’m not particularly into horror, and I dislike things that creep me out.
Like those photos where everything seems normal at first, and then as you look at it longer you notice that something seems off? Or like Dr Who’s creepiest enemies, The Weeping Angels, are just statues you see everywhere. But they move when you close your eyes.
So if you start off with everything being nice, happy and untroubled, and then start chipping away until it crumbles?
Slowly destroying normalcy and making regular things dangerous is a good way. The weeping angels are a great example of this and another I could give is this scene from condemned. Be warned that you might have a but of a jump scare but its nothing worst than the weeping angels.
Basicaly to me the best way to scare someone is to disorient and confuse them. Not understanding what is happening is already terrifying and its the kind of fear you have when you’re a kid and everything is just too much to take. You cant trust what will come next and I find this a thousand time more scary than just throwing buckets of blood and meat around.
Another example would be those cool short stories like “dad there’s a monster in my closet - dad check- Dad there’s a monster in my bed” because it would put anyone in a state of shock should it happen for real.
If you want this story to work, thre’s two critical areas that need to be improved upon.
One is the pacing. Everything is grimdark as fuck always. There’s literally no chill ever. Most horror stories plan their horror moments carefully.
If you want a scene to be suddenly shocking and disturbing out of nowhere, that’s fine. If you want a general sense of unease that steadily builds up into a deeply disturbing situation, that’s fine. Both can work, both can be scary.
But in your story, you’re starting off in a situation that’s supposed to be shocking and disturbing. But it’s hard to make a scene like that work without previous build up.
Imagine if in Alien, the very opening scene was the chestburster part. That scene would not have been remotely as shocking without the previous scenes that came before it.
And when it’s shocking scene after shocking scene after shocking scene… there’s no payoff. You try to make everything dark and shocking and disturbing, and as a consequence nothing is.
You need… not necessarily normalcy. I’ve seen horror work without ever letting the audience truly have a respite. But, they all had to have calm moments. Times where nothing too serious was happening and the audience had time to take everything in and catch their breath.
That’s not to say there aren’t touches. Minor moments of normalcy, but they don’t last long enough. In fact… pretty much all the scenes are totally barebones with minimal word counts.
Refer to the chart. It’s a bit overly simplistic, and stories don’t always have to follow it precisely, but it’s something to keep in mind when writing.
The bigger, darker, and/or more shocking a moment is, the more buildup it needs to work.
The second issue is a critical lack of research. On abuse and how it happens, how cutting happens and why people do it.
An issue here, and it’s what that’s been said, is that the subject matter is very disturbing. We’re talking about abuse from a family member. This isn’t a story about being hunted by a mummy or something, people go through this. There’s an expectation that you get things right and respectful, and that can be hard to do, especially when you haven’t lived through those sort of experiences.
I don’t want to discourage you from writing something like this… kinda. But, this feels beyond your grasp. This is controversial material, and making it work would be difficult for even a veteran writer.
If you want to keep trying with this, there’ll be people who will help you, but I would strongly consider writing something easier to start off with.
I’m also going to say this…
This work heavily features violence in a manner that is ludicrously glorified. Your father literally comes at you with a machete while cackling like a maniac. Like this is supposed to be an entertaining romp.
But that’s not automatically a bad thing. Violence can be fun.
Are you totally sure this intense horror/drama is even the story you want to write?
You’re playing a story of someone living in an abusive situation, with a deeply unstable father. People expect drama and horror with an intelligent look at people who live in this situation.
Are you SURE you don’t want to write a story where people die ludicrously bloody and violent deaths? There’s nothing wrong with that if you do. The only thing people are upset by is the controversial premise, and some slightly poor writing.
Do you want the violence glorified? Violence can be depicted as both cool and fun. If you give it the right setup for audiences to accept it.
People watch slasher movies to see people die. Violence, even pointless violence, can be art.
What kind of story do you want to write here? And I don’t mean the specific characters or situation. What are you hoping audiences will get out of this?
Again thanks for the feedback. Ok so yeah my focus for the next update will be extending scenes as that seems to be the main sentiment(including mine) and yeah will try to focus on the beginning, maybe starting from the day before. As for glorifying violence how do you feel the story does this?
As for self harm do know a bit about that, but yep, found one link at least that list reasons that fit with my mc, as remember this is just my mc’s experience of self harm, not everyones.
Link I found was: https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/6-reasons-why-people-self-injure/
her reasons would be the first three, number three fits perfectly with my mc. But yeah if you feel I could word the scenes better to show these are her reasons, please do advise me of this . I think I’m going to keep going, it’s something I really want to write and have done for a good while. I’ve got the basic idea so will be focussing on the bigger issues as I said . Plus since it is a canon mc really my mc’s experiences wont fit with everyones but hopefully I can get the canon mc’s right at least, will just work on the first part for now though, see what you think, but wont be ready for ages.
Edit: just seen that post. Cheers yeah get what you mean. I will change that at some point . Though will not be for a long time.
I dissociate, and self-harm, and have dealt with parental abuse. I am almost constantly dissociating.
The self harming scene, which I forced myself through, is actually kind of disgustingly written. It’s as if you’re reading, what, two paragraphs off a clickbait list site and adding it in for “edgy”? It reads like that as well. Honestly, this just comes across like a bad attempt at shock value for me and nothing respectful.