A story in the city. updated to chpt3. (adult only)


#1

Yep, since there was a lot of negative criticism decided to start completely from scratch. Also I update quite sporadically, so decided to just put in the title which chapter lines are up. So there may be a new version up without a title change, all be it a small one.

Ok I think this is in the right category. I say that as I have literally just learnt how to code(and only learnt the basics at that)so if this would be better suited to another category feel free to move it :slight_smile: . However I’ve wanted to have a go writing a game for a while, so had a few ideas already. Not sure where I want to go with this, this story is as much about learning how to code as it is writing a story, however if I ever do write a full game it’ll be heavily inspired by something like this if it is significantly different.

It’s early days so not really wanting feedback with regards to adding more complex mechanics and. Looking more for stuff like “yes I like the theme/your writing/no I don’t” “there’s not enough character detail/too much” Or if you have any coding tips and whatnot that would also be much appreciated :slight_smile: (though I am a slow learner with regards to computer stuff :stuck_out_tongue: )

Anyway my yp is about a young woman(or non-binary or man though the set proganist was written as a woman really) who runs away from home after your dad is abusive towards you on your birthday. You then meet your friend Emma and in the future you’ll go on many adventures…maybe :stuck_out_tongue: . I also thought about setting it in an asylum…I might add it happening before the current start or at the end. Anyway the link is below, see what you think, but it is a very rough draft.

Note: My story deals with many dark, adult and harsh themes like parental abuse, references to drugs, drug and alcohol abuse,violence, mental health issues, mention of suicide, sexual harassment?, self harm-cutting, nudity sexual assault and a somewhat detailed description of it.

Read the list above carefully, be sure to recheck it regularly(though I will post if I do a significant update) as that list is subject to change. Ifyou think any of those themes may trigger you don’t click the link. (adult only).

https://dashingdon.com/play/creepypastakitty/astoryinthecity/mygame/index.php?cb=89614

this is a rough draft so I wont announce small changes to the game…only big ones, so if the link you used last time didn’t work check the first post…chances are I changed the link(still getting used to dashingdon’s site too :p)


Any recommended WIP interactive novels?
#2

#TRIGGER WARNING FOR PARENTAL EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE, DEATH

because guess what this triggered me and you should tag your “edgy” material


#3

Oops sorry dididn’t think of that, I’ll edit the first post :slight_smile: .


#4

I mean I’d appreciate it if I weren’t having a panic attack right now because someone wanted to keep their “2edgy4u” material a secret for shock factor

Please don’t do this again thx


#5

It could use more fleshing out. Why does the MC have to be a female with a defined gender, because stare into space doesn’t seem like a typical way to choose gender.

It would be better if there was more than one paragraph or sentence of body text before a choice and all the choice weren’t the same as before ( kill your dad seemed to always be a choice ) and choices advanced the story or defined the world/ the MC.

How old is MC? What happened to mom? Has dad always been a jerk? I would feel for the dad if the mom died and that caused him to drink, spiral into depression, and neglect us ( in a more negligent than abusive way) or something tragic.

If the dad has been a jerk for a long time, why do we invite friends over to watch him be jerky? Why aren’t we one of those kids who always spends the night at a friend’s house or always looks for an excuse to be out of the house? I only played to the part where MC looked for a place to stay and lived in the hostel .

As an exercise in coding, it was good and the part I played didn’t bug out. As a game, it needs more content, explanations, maybe a little character customization (at least our name and gender) and probabily less ends that cut the story short prematurely. Sorry if I was harsh.


#6

Well it looks like you have the basics of CoG coding down, so congrats!

I do think your story is going to need a lot of work. Right now it’s all over the place and the ‘slaughter him’ and ‘kill her’ and all those odd choices seem apropos of nothing. Definitely needs more character building and the quick ‘game overs’ probably need to be reconsidered, as you’ll find the majority of people find such endings cheap and frustrating.

For your first game I would suggest you go with some less heavy material. I think your writing style would lend itself better to a ‘zany’ and lighthearted story.


#7

Thanks for the warning. I’m not going to be able to play this either.

It’s generally best not to do deaths and game-overs, unless you really need to. And in this case I don’t think they add to the story. They’re abrupt. They’re frustrating.

I’d suggest. from the little I did see, rather than having game-overs with “you have died” instead have impossible selectable_ifs. Have the options there, the things you really wish you could do, but they’ll be greyed out so you can’t actually select them. This will emphasise your own powerlessness, how he has you completely ground down, how you can’t actually fight back, without being a game over. And when you get your freedom and more choices open up, it’ll also be shown in the game mechanics.

Your dad’s definitely more than a jerk and I think phrasing it this way minimises his abuse.

I’d strongly suggest against doing this, unless you’ve actually been a patient and want to write about your own personal experiences.


#8

I think, if those are present as (un)selectable_ifs they’d be a powerful tool in showing intrusive thoughts that some people with mental health issues suffer from.


#9

The personalized look to everything is pretty cool. You were able to do that by altering the programing for the choicescript stuff?

I can second the above. I think that’d add something very interesting to the choices. Showing the character’s thoughts within the choices themselves.

I feel the pacing may be a bit off. Or, rather, very rushed. The game just immediately opens into conflict, which isn’t automatically a bad thing, but it’s very clear the writing just can’t handle it.

Events unfold so quickly…it badly damages their emotional impact. You may benefit from trying to drag scenes out a bit longer. Leaning on descriptions for characters, particularly body language, might work well here.

Also, descriptions of the environments are mostly non-existent. Which might be an issue. (Like I’m one to talk :stuck_out_tongue: )

Honestly, this feels a little too ambitious. You’re tackling some really heavy stuff here, but it doesn’t look like you have much experience writing stories yet. I love that you gave the game’s visuals a personal flair, but you might be better off writing a story with a less controversial subject matter.

writing a story like this requires a great deal of emotional finesse, and when it’s handled badly, it can really turn people off.


#10

I kind of disagree with having those choices, but graying them out (at least in this WIP’s current form). I feel like killing the dad would end up badly for the MC with her going to jail or something worse than the current situation.

If I was in MC’s situation and trying to get out by calling the police or something didn’t work, I’d respond by throwing myself into my work and outside activities. I’d probably join any school club I could and have a part time job (so I can save up money and leave him) and basically doing any and everything to keep me away from the house and only comming back to collapse , too exhausted from all my work to listen to his meanness, (and this assuming I can’t just spend the night at a friend’s house every night).

Writing a game about mental health issues is very difficult and I wouldn’t recommend it for this author’s first game, but the whole game would need restructuring so that people that don’t have those issues can understand. Something along the lines of starting the game at the beginning of the abuse with name calling and if the MC keeps expressing violent feelings, the option text keeps getting increasingly more violent. Or Emma could be used as the MC’s violent ‘friend’ and the MC has to keep calling her down, or not, and it’s later revieled that Emma is the MC’s imaginary friend. This relationship could be symbolized with you having to talk for her because she’s death and you’re the only one who knows sign language or something of the sorts . Psychological horror works when everything seems normal, at first.

I thought Counting Spoons was good at showing the author’s personal struggles, but the grating out worked well , because the choices were stuff a player might want to choose, but can’t.


#11

If they’re grayed out then they can’t be selected at all. But you still see them there, as a possibility niggling at the back of your mind. You just can’t do it, and so you feel powerless. I think that’s actually far more realistic than allowing for all these “kill him” type choices, only for when we do that to lead to a generic “you are dead, game over.”

Generally, calling the police to escape an abusive situation isn’t the first thing on most peoples lists.


#12

Honestly, it’s rarely that effective anyway. Abusers can just lie if their spouse or child calls the police. And if the police can’t find any evidence, well… it’s your word against theirs, and they’ll be released.

In which case they’ll come right back home.

And even if they are arrested, courts may only give them some months + anger management. Which again, doesn’t frequently seem to be effective.

There’s also the issue of who’s making money in the household. If a husband is severely abusive but is the only one working, him going to prison could result in his wife/children winding up homeless.

There’s a lot of complications to calling the police, is what I’m saying.


#13

I don’t understand that. I don’t know why people stay in abusive relationships yet complain about them. Choice of Games is usually about creating a MC and telling their story, so I want to understand my MC Although games about a defined character can be good, it’s not what I look for or how I play a COG.

The most logical reason I have been given is that a person doesn’t know there’s a way out which could be applicable if we’re really young, but the game doesn’t say and I’d rather play a wise character even if I’m a child.

I’m not saying that we should be allowed to keep choosing the kill options and die. I just don’t think we should have a kill option every choice even if it’s grayed out because my character wouldn’t want to kill the dad even if he’s bad; she’d want him to get better or feel nothing.

@OdicHastings

The penal system may not be the best, but it’s at least worth a try.

For the abusive husband, there’s governmental assistance like free food, housing, and job placement help where I’m from. The wife could call the police just to document the abuse and then file divorce and the husband wouldn’t get joint custody and he would have to pay child support and alimony (since the wife didn’t work). His wages would be garnished for non compliance or if he quits so he won’t have to pay, there’s government assistance.


#14

As @OdicHastings says generally calling the police isn’t very effective. Also, it doesn’t happen overnight, the abuse is ingrained into you. An abusive person is rarely all bad, you usually have some good memories of them. There’s a way of thinking the abuse is your own fault, or you deserve it, or it just grinds you down until you feel so powerless and helpless and unable to think of a way to escape.

Especially if you’re still a teen. Still reliant on your family. And that sort of abuse can always have a knock on effect and damage other relationships. If you’re getting abused at home, it’s also often very difficult to trust other people. If those closest to you, that are meant to love you unconditionally, are hurting you, if that’s all you know, then you expect that of other people too. And people will defend the abuser. Or the abuser’s very good at covering their own tracks.

And abusers will also keep you dependent upon them. They ensure you don’t have a support network and that you don’t have the tools to look after yourself. They can make you doubt your own mind. They can make you, and everyone else, think it’s your fault.

And yeah if you call the police, the police are at best going to give a warning. But your abuser can spin it around and make it about you. Abusers can be charismatic. Or they can threaten you in such a way youll recant your claims when the police arrive. And to get them in prison, well you’d need to go through so much agonising testifying against them, all the time you’re being torn apart yourself. Yeah, chances are they won’t get anything unless you’ve concrete documented evidence.


#15

It’s… a complicated issue, and there’s a lot on it.

This is a good article on it, but I’ll give it the best explanation I can, though my knowledge is thankfully only second hand.

Abusers are never abusive all the time. And they are certainly never abusive starting out.

In fact, most of the time, for a lot of people in abusive relationships… the abuser is awesome. They can be the coolest person in the world when they want to be.

And people in these situations lean on that. They think about their time with that abuser, and that abuser is never “that abuser” to them. They’re a loving husband/wife or father/mother. There’s so great a huge chunk of the time… you forget the bad.

But the bad does come around. And when it does, they downplay. Abusers make sure you understand that what they’re doing to you isn’t abuse. They make sure you understand that there are so many people who have it FAR worse.

And you’ll believe them. Because your abuser isn’t your abuser. They’re your family. Great family. Everybody thinks so.

And your abuser will make sure everybody else thinks so. And when you say they abused you, your outside friends and family will instinctively think your lying. Because… like I said, they’re awesome. To you, and definitely outside friends and family.

Most of the time.

And as for the abuse itself, it will likely have been going on for a long time. Humans are complacent, and we’ll put up with anything no matter how bad if we fall into a routine.

Abuse just isn’t as dramatic as movies make it out to me. Abusers actions are more subtle, they keep things under the radar. Both to other people and you.

At least, that’s what I’ve read from people talking about their experiences. I’m sure what I wrote isn’t accurate to every person’s situation. And to what I have written well, I’m probably still not doing it justice.


#16

I agree with everyone else. I mean I’m a hard ass and I try not to let that bother me(but it does, it is just emotionally awful some topics) and continue on my way, but for other people some of this is sersiously an issue and they have lived through it(or know people, I do)so I think the warning was needed. Also asylum=bad. Unless you understand what’s it’s like or have a good understanding of psychology and it’s various informations plus the mental disorders that get associated with the mind, just don’t. Bad idea. I feel like if you did proper and ample research maybe, you might pull it off, but the safest thing is to stay away. And if you are really insistent on maybe a game about that please don’t make them killers or crazy(which is also wrong, they are just troubled people, I feel crazy should only be applied to sociopaths(not psychopaths either, they are totally different)) people. Because in truth only 1% of violent crimes out of 4%(I’m talking about killing or physically harming) is done by someone with a mental disorder. Most actually want to hurt themselves and it’s just awful.

Off the the depressing stuff, Don’t just make a quick easy game because you just learned it. Flesh it out! Think about what you enjoy; what inspires you!Have you had a cool dream? Elaborate on that! Teen romances? Heck, gotta love a good romance. If you need help or have ideas for something, just ask. And if it’s still some scary sad stuff, then make sure you do it the proper way, and not the easy one. Ample warning should be applied, which reminds me I need to add some to mine because of a scene with a slaver, thanks for the reminder everyone. I’m pretty new, but I love helping people with ideas, so if you need help you can always message me. I won’t shoot you down unless you are trying to do something without any prior knowledge or good intentions/basis. Tah-Tah! :heart:️:heart:️


#17

Unfortunately, such things don’t work as they appear in writing (does the partner get the same support?). Here in Australia the Family Court system is stagnent due to the massive amount they have to process and a lot of the time moves too slowly. Sure, a restraining order sounds great but when someone’s told you they’re going to kill you no matter what, that piece of paper won’t stop them or your fear.

Divorce isn’t always the ultimate answer either. The abuser can end up with custody or joint custody and it’s is a horrific situation to be in. There have been cases in Australia were the abusers were given access to the children because ‘parental rights’ were prioritised and people believe that children need a father/mother figure, completely disregarding the danger and negative impact on the child’s wellbeing.

In my mother’s case my father just left for Japan once she started taking action (didn’t even sign the divorce papers, she had to fund her trip over there to get it done) and we were completely financially devastated. I don’t know the whole details because I was young but we ended up homeless and the government was not helpful at all. They actually cut off her payments because she was responsible for ensuring her ex-husband contributed regularly. Can you imagine it? Her having to get the cooperation of someone abusive?!

This was twenty years ago and as far as I know it’s changed. The system is constantly improving and I can only hope such cases don’t get repeated.

Not at all jumping on you here, I know it can be hard to understand—from the outside it seems straight-forward right?! Someone is hurting you or your children, so get out!

The truth is, most of the time the abuse starts small and escalates. The small things you forgive. The angry words, the tiny actions that make you feel bad about yourself, especially if the person apologises or things return to normal. You start to pick up on a pattern and believe that ‘if I don’t do this, nothing bad will happen’. You take the blame for what’s happening. When things escalate you might not look at the person and hold them completely accountable, instead you reflect on what you did wrong. It’s complete rubbish, it’s not ever your fault, but that can be how you see it.

It’s also a cycle that’s incredibly hard to break because often, you love that person so you don’t want to leave and they also destroy your sense of self-worth so you feel dependant on them.

For some people, even if they’re aware of what’s happening to them the fear of rocking the boat and the resulting explosion is worse than the fear of their current situation. ‘Complaining’ can be an expression for help, a tentative plea for someone to notice.

Everyone has different experiences though and will no doubt tell you something else.

This is getting really hard to type about so I’m going stop here, but I hope that partially explains it.


#18

As someone who has spent years studying behavioral therapy I’d ask you to please not use an asylum setting. I am not sure you have the background or information to make such a setting believable yet.

Too put it mildly your work needs to be fleshed out more. When there is more text in the description of your game and the conversation surrounding it than in the actual game that’s an indication it needs more work.


#19

Oh gosh! I like this a lot! I hope this gets published, this would be a refreshing alternative to the many genres we have now. Good luck!! :grinning:


#20

Thanks for all the feedback! :smiley: Where to start? lol Well put a new version up, got a lot of great feedback and need to think about all of it as yeah…only just started so don’t think I’ve ignored it. I’ve just updated the game with easy fixes(put a proper gender choice in, fleshed out all the options more, tried to address some continuity/plot holes listed, typos etc) .Noted about the asylum will avoid that matter then.

With regards to genre I read COGs obvs, many of which differ in genre. However most of the stories I experience comes in the form of listening to creepy pastas(suprising right? :stuck_out_tongue: ) and darker, edgier non-mainstream ones at that so think I’d struggle with light hearted xd, think this is my version of alight hearted story :stuck_out_tongue: . However I don’t know how far I’ll take it I will try my best to make sure I trigger warning anything that needs to be trigger warned, and tried to handle the subject respectfully. If anyone who reads it feels I need to add a trigger warning/handle the subject more respectfully or whatnot, well I’ll try my best to do it myself but please do tell me if I get it wrong.

Thanks once again, I hope to try and implement some of the complex criticisms at some point though yeah just getting started. E.G I did try adding greyed out options but couldn’t work them out :frowning: but did remove some death options and switch others for looped options. I’ve decided to also label the game as (adult only) as some of the fleshing out contains violence and dark/trigger themes(check my note above the link carefully) and I guess it’s best to be on the safe side?

Edit: just edited first post now, note new link posted so old link wont work.