A Kingdom of Silk


#1

Hi,
I’ve been working on a game for a few weeks now. It’s set in the fictional Broken Lands of Borania, inspired (mostly) by Late Middle England. There are next to no fantasy elements. No magic, Elves, dragons etc. Think Choice of Broadsides’s take on the Age of Sail. I’ve planned out exactly what will happen throughout, although I’m still figuring out some of the ‘hows’.

The twist is that you play two characters fighting two wars at opposite ends of the Island. The Broken Lands are divided into Borania, the Ember Isles and the Wilderlands. In Borania, in the south, Civil War has broken out as the king lies on his deathbed and there are multiple claimants to the throne. In the North, the Ember Isles have used Baronia’s civil war as a chance to invade the overly complacent Wilderlands.

In time the two stories will become much more closely interlaced.

If any of this sounds vaguely interesting, then good news! I have two (albiet short) introduction chapters for you here:
https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/171946488/web/mygame/index.html

There are number of things I’m currently going to change. The Boranian (and possible the Islander as well) needs more professions, the Boranian stats haven’t really been thought through properly yet (which is why I haven’t added more professions yet), I want to add a few general MC personality building choices and there’s a number of written sections that feel very clunky to me. Having said that I’m pleased with where the story is heading so far. Although feel free to disagree!

So let me know what you think, any feedback is appreciated.


#2

Interesting! I went and tried to make the two Characters polar opposites to one other, but failed throughout two play-throughs. But after taking a look in the scenes folder, I’ve finally found a way to do it. But I’ve found no errors yet. Nice work! :slight_smile:


#3

The link doesn’t seem to be loading for me. Hmmpf.


#4

This is a very interesting idea. I don’t remember having seen a multiple choice game with more than one POV yet. Reminds me of GoT. Anyways, I’ll comment on it a bit more once you get it rolling.


#5

Poisonmushroom Probably hasn’t uploaded the mygame folder within the Web folder.


#6

Thanks!
Ha I thought someone might try and do that. It’ll be much easier to do in the coming chapters. The Boranian is still very young, and hasn’t quite developed into the person they’ll become yet (their stats are generally much lower at the moment as well).


#7

Would like to give it a shot, but it’s not loading for me.


#8

Right you are, Happy. Here it is: https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/171946488/web/mygame/index.html


#9

“Trebuchet fire” doesn’t make sense: There’s no fire involved in the mechanisms of a trebuchet.

Edit: And who brings spears to a siege? This Count Lytton seems like a bit of a plonker.


#10

Thanks. I’ll change that.

It’s an army mostly made up of levied peasants. As far as I know, spears are one of the easiest and cheapest ways of equipping infantry (although I could be wrong). Plus, Hare Keep is just a pitstop on the way to real target. Lytton only needs to intimidate the Baron enough to make him surrender.


#11

Spears are damn good weapons for a battle; but a siege typically involves one side trying to scale the walls of another - A spear is less than useless when you’re trying to climb! Although, I shall concede: Those walls are pretty damn shite, by the sound of it. So if he’s just passing through, it’s understandable.

Edit: And a female knight. On a boat. In plate armour.


#12

You have just pointed out my biggest concern about the opening though. Is it really necessary to build three trebuchets for such a small scale siege? Even though they’ve been sat next to a forest for a week, I would say probably not. I think I’ll change it.


#13

Um…I really don’t want to sound pushy or like a know-it-all, but here are some errors I found, if that means anything:

Although only a small fort by Boranian standards, as a child it’s narrow walls seemed impenatrable and the grassy mound on which it perched, mountainous.
*impenetrable

You spent countless hours attempting to dicipher the symbols, gazing at the same handwritten pages over and over.
*decipher

He directs my attention towards the top of Hare Keep, and the dwindling flame of the signal beacon.
*I believe you might’ve meant to add “your” there instead of “my”

“even that fat drunken fool know’s the only way out of this is to surrender.”
*knows not know’s

“You’re not going to sacrific hundreds of innocent lives for this place, Bardolf. Come down!” Lytton continues.
*sacrifice

There’s a constant dampness at sea and the salty water rubs its way into every crevasse of a leather jack.
*Um…I think it was supposed to say “crevice” here? But I may be wrong.

After that day your short lived career as a trader ended, and your ten years of piracy began.
*This confused me a bit as I already chose that I was a pirate.


#14

I suppose my critique of this boils down to two points: There are a few details which don’t make much sense, which I’ve mentioned, but moreover the writing seems a little blunt and declarative, with details being dropped, rather than worked into a narrative. Embellishment in the writing is needed, I think.


#15

I’m sorry, but the link doesn’t work. :frowning:


#16

Ha, not pushy at all. I’ve read some of these sentences countless times and not spotted the mistakes, so thanks!

Yeah, I did mean crevice.

The last one is just because I’ve worded the passage in a confusing way. It says you were originally a trader before you became a pirate, but it’s hidden in the opening sentence. I’ll change it.

Thanks!


#17

@Drazen I would imagine those people trying to climb the ladders would strap their weapons to their back.

@poisonmushroom The thing about sieges is that it isn’t about the size of the fortress you’re trying to assault. If anything a smaller fort is probably easier to defend. It’s more about how well-manned those walls are and how much resolve the defenders have. Another thing to consider is that a man can only fight for so long before they tire. Even the best trained and equipped soldiers can eventually be overwhelmed by numbers.


#18

@hahaha01357 Well, then their weapon is strapped to their backs, and is, consequently, useless at best, and a hindrance at worse - a spear, for example, would be particularly bad if you tried to lash it to yourself.


#19

@poisonmushroom

I’m going to go against the grain and say that I think you should just keep everything as it is. Don’t get bogged down in the minutae, write your story, finish your story and then go back and fix things. If you want a siege to be carried out with spears so be it. If you want a siege with a barrage of trebuchet fire I don’t see the problem. What matters first and foremost is that you get your story finished.

The problem with posting so little is that people will look at the little provided and they’ll poke and they’ll nitpick and they’ll pull it apart and I know that that can utterly destroy motivation and a story. So I say, as well-meant as all of the criticism is, you don’t currently need it.

You could rewrite your first scene over and over again and I can guarantee you that someone still won’t be happy. So just don’t bother, for now. Just write and keep on writing. Take under consideration the comments, mark them down as something useful to go back over in the future but just keep pushing forward with your story. When you’ve hit the end there’s time enough to fix the beginning.


#20

@Fairey,
I couldn’t agree with you more…