Cool! I’ll do a test run. Spoilers ahead obviously.
[spoiler]Found a typo here, not entirely sure what the mistake was but it seems that some words are missing.
Confident that you now remember everything you start to get up, moment at which you realize that you are wearing some rather strange green hospital clothes.
There appears to be a broken image link on the next page after saying you’d be happy to rescue the engineer. Just under this line:
The captain nods and smiles. “Como esperabamos! We didn’t expect any less from you. Nevertheless, the city of Burgos will be happy to pay you another 1000 dollars for your trouble”.
Found another typo in this line, should be “pleased”:
The captain smiles as you say this, please by your comments regarding the ability of those working under her.
Whiling hiring a militia navigator, this sentence seemed kind of awkward:
She then shouts out loud these names.
This feels a little bit repetitive with the way you start two sentences in a row with “The captain then”, though it’s probably not a big deal. Also there’s a misplaced period at the end.
Raquel laughs as you say this, evidently delighted, though she is quickly reprimanded by the captain. “As I said, she is a bit of a clown, but she knows the area well”. The captain then tells her to go and pack and be at your ATC tomorrow.
The captain then pauses again for a few seconds. “Regarding a gunner, I guess that the best available are Marta Botella or Felipe Catalan”.
Found another typo here, should be “roam”:
Actually, you’ve seen very few planes throughout your life, mostly just the rusting skeletons of huge airliners that used to room the skies.
And here, extra words bolded:
The militia sergeant in front of the gate brings you stops you back to reality, brusquely demanding who you are and where you are going.
Before the following there’s another broken image link at the very top of the page:
Eventually you arrive at a junction. Ahead of you is the entry to the A-11 motorway, basically a former four lane road, two in each direction.
Should be “wrecks” instead of “wreaks”:
You continue down the main road of the village, zigzagging around the wreaks of old cars and the occasional decomposing trunk of a fallen tree.
This option is missing a “the”:
Tell Felipe to keep an eye out for anybody from ATC, while you and Raquel look for anything of value in the tents
There’s another broken image link above this paragraph:
The next 7km along the N-122 prove rather uneventful, with the morning sun continuing to warm the desolate landscape as you start to perspire slightly. Eventually you reach another junction where you can either turn north and join the motorway or continue ahead along the N-122, though this will take you through the ruins of another village, that of Los Villaesterres.
The first part of the second sentence is a fragment and has some odd phrasing. It might work better if you replaced “making” with “makes,” and while I don’t think it’s wrong I’ve always heard the phrase as “the stench coming off of them”… but maybe that’s just a regional language difference as I’m American. “Reel” is mispelled as “real” here as well. Incidentally, I hope I’m not calling anything that’s just British spelling a typo.
You approach the car, and notice a very strong smell coming from behind it, where you find a couple of decomposed corpses. The stench coming out from them making you real back, which agitates somehow a handful of scavenging birds that are feeding on them, though they soon return to their meal.
Typo here, I think you meant, “northeasterly” maybe. There’s also another broken image link at the top of this page:
As the storm continues to abate you proceed along the road until you reach the A-62 motorway, which around here heads in a northeaster direction.
Another typo here should probably be “end up”:
This is not unusual, as bandits and other marauders often ending up killing any occupants, though the claw-like scratches on the side of the door are far more intriguing.
There’s some kind of awkward phrasing around the “anyway” in this sentence. I don’t think this grammar is correct. Maybe something like: “It would be extremely unlikely that any animal would attack a car, and you doubt the desert landscape around you would support many large predators anyway.”
It would be extremely unlikely that any animal would attack a car, and you doubt the desertic landscape around you would anyway support many large predators.
Bit of awkward phrasing here though if the navigator is speaking English as a second language that might make sense. “I thought they were just myths to scare children”:
“But, those things are not real right? I just thought they were myths to scare children!”
The fact that the MC knows this raises a lot of questions:
Even within their own, accounts of cannibalism were typical, as the meat of particularly strong warriors was believed to improve strength. Nevertheless, apparently they did then bury the skeletal remains of their own.
There’s another of those broken image links after this line:
With that you swiftly accelerate away from the place, leaving the castle of Simancas behind.
Should be “definitely”:
Raquel yawns. "It’s definitively been a long day. I guess this would be a good place to pass the night.
Not sure what “the 0” is.
You both quickly pack your sleeping bags and drive out of Duenas, leaving the ruined buildings and the 0 behind you.
“could still have some fuel inside it.”
They could potentially be dangerous, though the car could still have inside it some fuel.
I went to see Monica, and then decided to visit Cara Rota, but got this message on the next page.
Clearly Raquel is feeling the same way, given the force with which she slams the door of the ATC, while you tell her that you have decided you should to and see “El Nieves” next.
Ok, I got to the end… I think I missed a few things when I got distracted. I feel like you should give the gunner more lines if possible, like in that church section, neither allied NPC talks there, but it’d be a great point for some badly needed character development that’d make the next few scenes more meaningful. After the barricade with the mine it feels kind of strange that the navigator starts saying “I still see” or whatever, which makes it seem like it happened a while ago, even though it happened just on the previous page. It feels way too soon to be talking about flashbacks.
If I remember right, when you get to the bandit town you can choose to either look for a gunner or fuel, but if you choose fuel you can’t then look for a gunner.
I quite liked the additions to the road ambush and the camp. As for other additions, I’m not sure how many of my suggestions would fit. I mean, I thought this before I ever saw Fury Road, but even more so now, I think it’d be really interesting to get to know a bandit character. The bandits in these stories are usually just there as fodder/obstacles for the protagonist, but it could be really interesting to explore how a character like that came to be in their current situation. Of course that would most likely change the game a whole lot so it’s more of a pipe dream I guess. Vaguely related to this, it was really cool to get more options in the camp, though it’s kind of surprising that the woman (Maria?) would so earnestly implicate herself in banditry when you’ve got a knife to her throat, then again I don’t know what’s going through her head, so maybe she she thought honesty was her best chance of survival. If you were looking for more options in that scene you could add one to just have the gunner aim at her instead of firing to make her drop her weapon. This would allow people with crappy combat skills to achieve a nonlethal outcome should they so desire. Of course there are already so many options for that small scene that I feel like I’m getting carried away with focusing on it. It would be interesting if there was some recurring character you could encounter throughout your journey if your choices don’t get them killed. After the church I don’t remember meeting any NPCs at all until we got to the bandit town, but that could just have been down to my choices. I decided to spare the books.[/spoiler]
I’ll try to think about this some more I guess. Great update though. I probably shouldn’t have read the entire thing at once.