Played it recently, it’s great. Loving it.
I tried picking up a blackjack but it didn’t give it to me, nor did it remove it from the list. It did however take the money for it. I did it twice and it took the money both times without giving me the weapon. Actually it seems like Eddy’s equipment is bugged, but maybe it’s just me. Also… that’s some… interesting placeholder text for Raquel’s/The Navigator’s backstory…
Thanks, I corrected that bug at the shop. Yes, for Raquel I was just making her tell a silly story as she is supposed to be a bit of a clown… but I’m happy to change it to something else if you have a better idea?
Also, how do you feel about that particular party of the story? I guess it adds a little bit more depth to the characters, though it still doesn’t allow that much interaction…
It could possibly be in the 30,000 range 300,000 is a pretty far range it would take months just to crack half that number. But if it is…I look forward to it! it could be exciting
My aim is for a 30,000 average read (at the moment it is around 20,000). Total word-count for all the chapters is ~80,000. Judging from the experience I had writing Tokyo Wizard this will likely mean that it will grow to around 150,000 (it would be 120,000 if the structure stayed the same, but I am planning to make it branch off more towards the end…). Last few weeks were a bit busy at work, but I am hoping to make some decent progress on this in the course of the next month.300,000 would just be too much, as my brain is already starting to think about the idea for a new game, and I feel that this game in really around 2/3rd into the story already…
Ah, I see. I thought it was a placeholder because it came across as completely serious, but maybe I need to reread it. It didn’t help that at the time my gunner’s story got repeated twice and part of Raquel’s reaction was cut off and I got distracted. Sorry I forgot to mention that. I had selected Felipe. As for how I feel about that section, I have only gone through it once so far, and was kinda distracted at the time. I think it’s definitely a good idea though. It does feel a bit weird that Felipe starts telling what seems like such a personal story so casually with people he doesn’t know very well, but maybe that’s what he’s like. I dunno if any of the other gunners have different things to say.
It also seems like it’s not adding the kevlar jacket or driving gloves to the inventory. I haven’t tested it enough yet to see if the stats are changed anyway though.
Ok, let me look into it, though it might take a day or two as I’m travelling back home tomorrow.
Played up to finding the claw marks, found some errors and strange lines.
Suffering from some of the worst biological contamination in the planet, you originate from a vast sprawl or urban devastation.
Should be “sprawl of urban devastation.”
“Shut up talking and remind me once again where it is that I am?”
Should be either “Shut up and” or “Stop talking and”. And no question mark if it isn’t phrased as a question.
Rhys Jackson, “Cold-headed”
Not sure what this nickname means. Is it cool-headed, like doesn’t lose his cool?
“I doubt any of your useless militia will be any bloody good to me, and for your sake I hope your mechanics haven’t ruined my ATC”
Sounds odd for my North American character to say “bloody” as an interjection.
Regarding the stats screen, “Treason” usually refers to a crime, rather than a general lack of loyalty.
She then shouts proceeds to call out these names, and seconds later two members of the militia start to walk towards where you are standing, while the captain continues.
Should be “shouts” or “proceeds to call”, not both.
They said mercs are usually paid half up front, but when I hired Bernard, I lost the full 300.
“My name is Rhys, I’m a Highway Marshall under on an official mission for Captain Fernandez”
“under” is unnecessary here.
At the exit of the village, there is a sign indicating the road that leads north onto the A-11 motorway, or you could continue westwards along the N-122.
Aren’t we going east?
The only way westwards at this point is through Los Villaesterres.
Actually, you are slightly surprised to see the candles, and immediately after walking in a man dressed as a priest incorporates himself.
“incorporates” doesn’t make sense here.
Finally, Raquel finishes changing the wheel and you can proceed your journey.
“proceed” is not transitive, should be “proceed on your” or “proceed with your”, or maybe “continue your”.
@CodPor thanks so much for that list of typos and grammar corrections, and sorry to take so long to act on it. Between a cold, jetlag and Xmas holidays I was out of action for a week, but finally corrected and uploaded all your suggestions. Let me know if you find anything else!
@Shoelip further reworked that conversation in the camp, and that character now re-appears later in the story (MC can talk again, if nice enough first time…)
Picked Austrian this time for tradition’s sake and found a couple of typos.
Know, should be known and in should be on. Also kinda funny, my spell check says marshall only has one “L” but wikipedia says it’s spelled either way and I don’t two actually feels better somehow.
“Fitted” should be fit, and “commander of the militia” feels a bit awkward. Changing it to “militia commander” to make that sentence flow a little better. Also don’t forget to add a “the” just before it.
Not sure what to say about the additions you specifically mentioned yet. I have a cold that’s kept me awake coughing multiple nights in a row so I’m not in the best state of mind. It’s definitely cool though.
Incidentally I’ve been playing that WB Interactive Mad Max sandbox (no pun intended) game recently. It’s interesting… kinda weird. It’s fun though.
New update just went up, incorporating latest comments and expanding the story a few thousand words further.
Loved the story, I’m listing the few things that stuck out to me.
[spoiler]When you enter the town of Tordesillas and shelter from the storm in the Church. When Raquel goes to tell her story, it repeats the story from before her (for me it was the French merc, Bernard).
Selected to go around Valladolid to the east, and the story sent me west.
While in Magaz: " Random collections of gangs room the town, though it’s clear that those with the “Red Skulls” control things, with fortified outposts placed in various strategic locations. "
…gangs ROAM the town…
Heading to the party in Magaz: " A wide variety of characters room can be seen around the area, ranging from various gang members, mercenary groups escorting rich merchants, or traders selling various types of wares or food. "
“room” doesn’t fit here.
Rescuing the engineer in the Red Room: I selected to break Bravo’s hand and it returned me to that same page. Repeated as long as I selected that option.
After meeting Sergio and at the Race Trial: " "Justice will be served tonight! The rules of the trial are simple, the first person to to around the track once and reach the finishing line will win the “case”, and the right to keep the slave. "
…to GO around…
After winning the race, one of the options: " I find it nice that she is interested in knowing more about me. I explain to her more everything about my mission and where I am from in North America. "
more OR everything, not both[/spoiler]
Glad you liked it and thanks for the list of bugs and typos, I’ll correct for the next updated! Otherwise do let me know if you have any other suggestions or requests for the story!
Just updated the game, correcting the errors pointed out by @FutbolDude21586 (thanks! Though I’m still not sure about the error of bypassing the city to the east… can’t find that, are you sure?)
Otherwise, I made some progress on one part of the story (the idea is that around this point there will be quite a significant amount of branching going on), and added the beginning of a more developed RO. I have written quite a bit more, but I need to put it into code and re-read it all again, to make sure it is semi-readable before updating the WIP…
I was also thinking of giving the option to customise the appearance of the MC. Any requests regarding clothing, body appearance? (although this will be mostly cosmetic, I am hoping to make it in a way that at least some of the characters refer to it…)
East or west. I can’t remember. I clicked the option to go around the city and it kept sending me through the city.
Just uploaded a small chunk of the story, probably another 2,000 word or so more in average play. Also, I added the possibility of specifying your characters appearance. I’m happy to include more customization in this respect, if there are any requests. Mostly this is just cosmetic (though some elements do change things a bit), and a few references to the MC’s attire are incorporated here and there…
Following some feedback I just got, I think that the title of the game doesn’t really fit well the theme. It sounds like a police game, where the feeling I wanted to convey was more of a “Mad Max” feeling… does anybody have any better suggestions for a title? If I get some suggestions maybe we can put them to a poll? (I am very bad at trying to figure out titles)