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“Be careful up the mountain. Will catch up to them when we reach the top,” you say.
“we’ll”
*if vehicle = "motorcycle"
*set payne_vehicles 2
The SUV keeps pace with you, and you point to the back of the pickup truck in front of you. Jaime raises a thumbs-up that you spot in the rearview mirror, and you're sure he knows your plan.
*goto AmusementPark
This says you’re destroying a vehicle, but it isn’t mentioned in the text. I assume the goto at least is out of place, as motorbikes are used again later in this section, but the goto skips that.
You @{driving_vehicle Keep URI on the back of the convoy of pickup trucks while watching the road which snakes ahead of you.
“your eye”.
The road snakes ahead of you, and you gain on the pickup trucks.
If you’re not driving, this sentence appears twice.
You
[…]
@{driving_vehicle spot a straight stretch of road and press the gas pedal to the floor, lining up the front of your ${vehicle}|${driver_mission} waits for a straight stretch of road and then sends the ${vehicle} forward, lining the front of the front of it}
This is fine if you’re the driver, but if not the “You” will be out of place.
@{driving_vehicle You shoot|$!{driver_mission_he} shoots} forward and slam
into the back of the pickup truck once more.
Should be “slams” if someone else is driving.
It seems weird to be so blasé about knocking one of the trucks off the road when you don’t know if it’s the one Kevin’s in.
The metal breaks, and the truck careens off the edge of the mountain
Strictly speaking, this should be “career”, not “careen”, but at this point the words are so conflated that it probably doesn’t make much difference.
You @{driving_vehicle steady the ${vehicle} and|roll open the side window, lean outside, and} reach […] through your inventory.
This really feels weird for someone on a motorbike (or even just for anyone who’s driving themselves). Maybe just say something like “reach for a weapon”.
The bike drifts towards the shoulder, and you almost lose control as you bounce over speed bumps. There is no way to keep the bike steady and use two hands to fire the bow. You try a few more times and almost lose balance with each attempt. The convoy of pickup trucks speed along the road, and you spot them coming to a slope. You can’t see beyond the drop-off. You veer the vehicle around a small pile of trash and almost scrape the metal guardrail.
All should be @{(vehicle = "motorcycle") bike|vehicle}.
Somehow you manage to balance the barrel across the window frame and then open the side door to use it as a sort of tripod.
You balance the barrel across the window frame but struggle to make it level.
I think you can still get to these with the motorbike. (I think maybe the original paragraph was supposed to be bow-and-arrow-specific, but ended up being bike-specific as well, but this was never reflected in the *if.)
It pierces the back window of the truck with a crack and sticks into the back of the driver. He
*goto HighSuccess
This should goto BowSuccess.
“Thelma and her gang are keeping this whole place meat and clean? Must take a lot of effort,”
“neat”
${pet_name} darts take the shoe and sniffs at it.
“to”, I assume. (Also, should this behaviour be limited to dogs?)
a tall, well fit man
This is not the place I ever thought I’d see someone described as “well fit” (slightly outdated British slang…)
Dee loops her fingers into her belts and stands with one leg forward.
Dee hasn’t been formally introduced for city/suburbs players, or for country players who didn’t get her event.
They told us they’d pay a thousand dollars, and we never saw a dime one.
I assume this doesn’t need the “one”.
You feel someone breeze by your rate year and turned to see Ray now standing there.
“right ear”
They broke into our Haven, not damaged our property, and took one of our members.
“haven” shouldn’t be capitalised, and they did damage our property.
Not put that gun down," Thelma says,
“Now”?
He paces nervously and takes turn looking at all the people in the area.
I don’t think this is phrased right, although I’m not sure what the best way to phrase it would be.
We’ve tried to be neighborly and extend a hand, and they spat at us.
This seems a little unfair to say to an MC who has a Mambas relationship between 50 and 60, who helped fix the Mambas’ bike, and tried (but failed) to help them in the museum, simply because they didn’t enter a formal alliance…
bursts under a far game booth and hides beneath the decorative blue curtain adorning its bottom.
“bursts” would generally imply leaving cover, not entering it.
The Paynes stride Past you,
Shouldn’t be capitalised.
"What could they want with drugs? It’s not like there’s any medicinal values.
Well, heroin at least is chemically very similar to the painkiller morphine, so it could potentially have medical uses with a chemist who could convert it…
The wind now blows in stiffed costs and the storm clouds hang even lower in the sky.
I guess this could be “stiff gusts”?
The engine roars to life, Tommy revving it a few cycles, and then peels in reverse.
Should be “peals” if it’s the sound.
You’ve always had troubl seeing at night, and you drive through the thick blackness with every bit of focus you can muster.
“trouble”
I want all of you off of our property Go now, or you all die.
Needs full stop/period.
