I agree with CC_Hill about clarifying that you’re playing as a different character at the beginning. Maybe you can make the prologue in third person?
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I edited the problems that @CC_Hill found. I appreciate the help.
https://dashingdon.com/play/jonahgreye/project-hive/mygame/
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Why didn’t I find this earlier? Thank you, @poison_mara, for your efforts!
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Guybrush 
@poison_mara I’ve been a silent follower for a while - I finally got around to finishing my demo and I’m excited (and a little nervous!) to share it here. I really think this is a great initiative because I don’t want to make a WIP and this is the perfect forum to share my work and get feeback! So first of all, big kudos to you for setting up this thread.
I also think your contest was super interesting and would have love to have joined it but I really don’t have a lot of spare time, in between full time work and working on my stories.
I see you removed your post when you were asking for feedback on - did you still want people to take a look and give feedback? I’ve already had a quick look (as I said, I don’t have a lot of spare time) - I think it’s very innovative and you’ve clearly developed a comprehensive, well thought out world, which is impressive.
I can look at it deeper and send some notes - what kind of feedback are you looking for?
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It took me about three months but I’ve finally dared to put the first 7000 words online. The structure and outline of this story is as good as finished and I’ve written about 20k words in total. I find writing a lot easier than the coding part!
https://dashingdon.com/play/lisamarlin/the-wopua-a-tiny-adventure/mygame/
As I am new to coding and still trying to figure everything out I welcome any comments on what there is so far and/or systems that could be improved.
Don’t mind the stat screen or the stats that are increasing in the game, this has to be tweaked completely once I have the other 3 sections ready. I want players to set stats in the first section depending on what they want as a priority, then use fairmath afterwards.
Any other comments are appreciated, good or bad, I want to hear it all. What I do with it I will decide for myself.
Note: I am thinking of changing the genderless Wopua to random genders to introduce RO’s to a broader public. I did intend to write them as binairy
Thanks for any help!
Plot summary
You’ve probably never seen or even heard of the Wopua. Not many people have. And for those who do, no one believes them.
This is not surprising as they are very, very tiny creatures that are very necessary: or did you think trees grow all by themselves?
Forget everything you know about plants, animals and the forest. There are many more, mysterious forces at work here.
You are born into a Wopua community, living and working deep in the roots of a large tree. Everyone has their role to play, each making their own contribution to this carefully-balanced society.
Almost as soon as you’re born, you realise that you’re different. You’re not quite sure why, but almost as soon as you draw your first breath it’s clear that you don’t fit into the pre-set norms and structures.
As an outsider, how will you find you path and purpose in life? And how will you manage to fit in?
Detailed request for help
Thought to put it here so not everyone has to read the blur.
In this first section I wanted to give the player the possibility to visit the 4 different factions (where order will be important) and then give the player time to choose 2 out of 3 extra scenes from these factions. At this point this is not clear and I am struggling how to make this better code-wise as the player will not have unlocked any of the additional scenes of the other factions. They should however realise that choosing to continue the Cholerclaw path will limit them continuing the other paths further in the book. Maybe I should not give the option until the player done all 4 paths? Opinions?
As I wanted to give the player as many options as possible I initially made a *gosub when meeting one of the characters but as people could leave without returning it did not really work out as I planned. Maybe people can give me some tips on how to deal with this as well.
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I will look at it and set you pm feedback. As @Havenstone or @Eiwynn can tell my feedback can be rather critical but it comes from the sincere goal of helping you to be better. It just I am not good at saying things pretty.
But anyway, anyone who writes and loves writing deserve my admiration and respect. And for me the best way of showing that respect is being pure honest even if it is not popular.
And about the link I was depressed and take it down but I changed small description and it is up again.
First part Planet Mopper
https://chooseyourstory.com/story/Planet_Mopper.aspx
Second part Messiah for hire
https://chooseyourstory.com/story/messiah-for-hire
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I presume it is this bit you are referring to, in terms of visiting all four Wopua’s?
In picking the Cholerclaws, we get the two options: Koi and Parcour (are these the extra scenes you refer to?) - then at the end of the cholerclaw scene(s) you have the option to stay with them, or to return to the above section and visit a different Wopua.
My understanding is you’re not sure about the best way to code this so that the player can visit all 4, get the different scenes (different for each player), track the order (which will be important) and then make an informed choice?
Yes, these are the 4 factions (which need to be coded in)
Every player will visit the Koi and the Parcour
The extra scenes I intend to have are the extra training with Merritt (if met) or extra training on the koi or parcour. This will trigger an extra scene with an attack.
The thing is, that now I wrote it so people can choose this immediately, without having to visit the other factions, not knowing it will limit their possibilities later. I think the best thing is to add the options for these scenes after they visited the four factions. I think I just want to make it too complex 
Maybe there should be greyed out options for the other Wopuas, telling the players to visit them first to unlock them, but again, I feel I unnecessarily overcomplicate things. I just wanted to show this before I do any more work that could be simpler.
If the choice they make here will alter their future story, then you probably want to cue that up in the story (likely beyond just a ‘this choice will affect things’ line) - otherwise player’s are making the decision blind and never have any feedback on what choices caused what to happen. Philosophical game design question: What’s the difference between a decision that doesn’t affect the game and a decision which radically affects the game, but the player can’t tell that it did, or how, or why?
If you want players to make the decision after being ‘informed’ by all the information (i.e. visiting all four Wopua’s) then delay it until after they have done so.
If you present the option to pick a game altering choice before they have visited all of the Wopua’s, then some players will pick it right there and then (no matter what other information/warnings you give them) - so it’s up to you whether you are happy for players to do that.
As to how you give them the information/warning, then I’d personally lean towards it being in exposition (e.g. These people hate those people, if they see you hanging out with them, they will invite you to less parties). Providing the information in greyed out choices can be immersion breaking (e.g. ‘You can do activity XYZ with this Wopua, but you have to meet them first’ - well, how do I know that’s an option if I haven’t met them?)
Ultimately, the answer will come from player testing though. You have just had my late night ramblings!
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Thanks for having a look at it! I guess I need to make things more simple. 
@poison_mara That’s the feedback I’m looking for
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It is a very promising start but I feel no connection with my character as for me is to compliance with everything and everyone. Flavour choices that criticize the system and also the choice to NOT seeing anyone and just be randomly assigned could be a nice addition.
I don’t like your systems and your groups so I won’t go and meet anyone just assigned me to whatever. I will love this as choice
that could add lots of replay value and add a scene when the group’s leaders chastise you.
Remember a choice of not engage and not be in favour of a social system should be a thing in games like you.
I mean if the player is different it should be a clearer option.
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@poison_mara I hear what you are saying and you make good points. My intentions were to quickly introduce the 4 different groups and then really start the story. As you are young, there is no real option yet to leave as you depend on the colony but you can skip all the group sections almost from the start (as I need to give some general info about them) which will get you a lot faster to chapter 2.
From chapter 2, you will have that option for sure, which will have consequences of course. I had written this whole section in the past tense but it just didn’t feel right so I changed it back to what it is now. Maybe I have to make it clearer that you are young and have no choice but to explore the area for now? It would also help if there was more content 
Now that I got some pointers and know I did ok with the code, I will start finishing the other sections, although I’m also thinking of starting a shorter story first to get more experience in the IF genre.
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I copy pasted this comment over from the interest check thread, but same idea, hoping that maybe I could get more feedback by spreading it out a little
Hey guys, I’ve been writing a few projects recently for fun, and I stumbled on an idea that I’m actually really interested in pursuing further and turning into a full on game.
I don’t want to dive too deep into general lore because I’m hoping to introduce it more organically in the story, but I would love some feedback on general writing style, whether the game concept is interesting, and if there are places where you feel like there are choices you wanted to see and it didn’t happen.
Small plot summary
You are the only offspring of a prominent noble family in Luce Prima, when you are tested for high latent magical ability. In this world, magic is unlocked in individuals through highly traumatic or stressful events, dubbed an awakening. Due to potential conflicts in the future, high ranking officials decide to force awaken you through inflicting mental trauma. You overhear this plan ahead of time and run away, hoping to find a lead to awaken through untraditional methods. This leads you to a chase after the myth of the first mage and to the undiscovered secrets of magic itself.
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Hi everyone.
I’m writing a traditional novel. Yesterday I discussed in another thread about “destiny” and “chosen ones”. As those are tropes I’m trying to avert or downplay I would like some honest opinion about my 4 protagonist
Premise
The story is a medium fantasy with gray and grey morality. Supernatural exists, creatures like angels, devils, demons, wraths… exist. Destiny does not exist; neither as force or as an entity. Prophecies don’t exist and the future is always undeterminated
Now I want to know if my 4 protagonist can avert or downplay the “chosen one” tropes
Kaylin
She’s a human princess, and later queen, who deals with the most material probems of the story, so I think it’s safe that she is not a “chosen one” in any sense
Eric
This one is more complicated: he belong to a race of dragon tamer, where every clan is mysticly bound to a specific dragon race.
At the begining he’s not awere of his origins, then an other character introduces him to her clan because the two of them have the same powers. Later she tells him a story (I will never call it prophecy) of the special dragon, one per clan, the story says that he who will tame all thoose dragon will became king of all clans. At first he doesn’t belive her, then when they accidently discover one of theese dragons, he starts his own quest to tame them all, not to become king but to help Kaylin in her war and to unite the divided clans together.
During his quest he inderectly causes havoc because he awekes theese dragons, so half of the people of this race see a messiah figure in him, the other half (among thoose the female character mentioned above) see a destructive tyrant in him who will bring them to ruin.
So can he be considered a sort of “unchosen one”?
Catherine
A human élite soldier of the opposite faction (the empire of the story). This élite corpe inderactly posses mystical power given by the emperor, the emperor riceves them by a ring, a gift from the Heartless Angel (read the Grim Reaper).
Catherine doesn’t have them beacuse is still a reserve. During the siege and fall of the capital start loosing every belif in the empire and its army but she decides to still serve it as soldier because it’s the life she had always wished. During the retraet she founds by accident the emperor’s ring (note the emperor is dead) and decides to keep it, in secret.
One night the Heartless Angel appear to Catherine in dream. He gives her his power and the freedom to do everything she wants with them. The reason is because he found it interessting, because her apathy is his kindred feeling, and because her father is one of his favourite gifted who also educated other gifted; here I need to clarify: he chose her because her attitude (nihilistic apathy), the rest was just a fascinating bonus.
Theese powers are the same of the élite corpe and they allow Catherine to wear the ring without dying and share theese power with the other élite soldiers. Her superiors are not happy with the situation but accept it with a compromise: she will not be executed for treason (had hidden the ring) and will be accepted as élite soldier but she will still have to climb the rangs per merit.
Catherine decides to serve the empire and, in secret, meet and help the other gifted because she sees in them a sort of family.
So, is she a “chosen one”?
Christopher
He belongs to a race “descent from the sky” (note: in English it looses ambiguity but in Italian “cielo” means both “heaven” and “sky”). They are, among other things, the equivalent of the Church (to simplify the main religion in my story it’s an hybrid between Christianism, especially Catholicism, and Judaism) but they are divided into different orders, as his order is the one of the empire, they are also another élite corpe of the army. This race has elemental powers (they are not magic)
During the fall of the capitol, the dying great master gives Christopher the mission of retrieve the Sanctuary where is kept the Ark, to bring their kind to the house of their ancestors. At first Christopher doubts of the mission, but after a traumatic event he vows to bring his people togher to the house of their ancestors.
Is “he a chosen one”?
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Which one do you play as?
My new WIP
Any constructive feedback appreciated
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https://dashingdon.com/play/jonahgreye/the-host/mygame/
My WIP doesn’t have a thread yet as I feel that the content isn’t enough to warrant a thread yet.
Description: What happens when you resurrect after dying and find out there is a symbiote inhabiting your body? Do you give in to it’s instincts or learn to control the symbiote’s abilities and use it for good?
I’ll add a non-binary gender option soon I just have to learn the work arounds cause it’s not as straightforward as coding male and female characters but rest assured I will get it done.
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Yes, there are still some small elements that remind me of common Chosen One issues.
The key is to make sure your characters do something to earn their place in the story. Greatness can still be thrust upon them, as long as there’s a cost, ordeal or decision that puts a character on the path they’re on.
Here’s some “from the hip” brainstorming to expunge any hint of that Chosen One aroma.
Kaylin
“Born into power” has low key Chosen One issues. If you make her authority a burden, that’ll help. Or, she’s the youngest princess in a patriarchy. While close to the power of the court, Kaylin has no chance of wielding it. But she’s the only one in her family that sees the danger coming for their kingdom.
(Can’t be a Chosen One if nobody chooses you)
Eric
Instead of a legend about who will be King, what if it’s a dusty old rule for choosing a leader no one has thought of in ages but is still on the books? Example: The kingdom used to choose their monarch based on who the dragons would listen to. But no one can remember the last time the dragons could agree on a single ruler, leaving it up to the humans to muddle through with clumsy old democracy… until Eric. It’ll help if Eric does something that earns the dragons’ allegiance, especially if it’s an accident. Maybe he has always been an unusually talented whistler, which earned him a pint and a spare silver when times were rough. But one day he whistled to get a dragon’s attention and he became a king. (accidental heroes are by definition NOT Chosen Ones)
Catherine
Maybe the ring is more of a Genie In The Lamp kind of thing. You get one wish and you have to hold on to the ring if you want the wish maintained. The Emperor wished for the ability to bestow power on those most loyal to him. What will Catherine wish for? (the power she has is the power she asked for – NOT power chosen for her)
Christopher
While everyone else is pulling lightning from the sky and fiery infernos from their middle finger, Christopher’s manipulation of the elements is limited to making it kind of foggy. He’s worthless in a fight, but when things get tough, he turns out to have a knack for running away. When the siege is over, Christopher tearfully picks through the rubble of his home and finds the master hanging on to life. With no other option, the greatest master monk of the elements puts the legacy of his order in the hands of Christopher, their most hopeless postulant. (there’s the heroes we need, the heroes we deserve… and Christopher: the hero we have to settle for)
Hope something in there sparkles for you!
Thanks for the advices…
But thoose are not the ones I’m looking for.
You are describing accidental heroes and in my setting where most of your ennemies actually know what they are doing (read: if they see a chance to land a critical, or a deadly, strike they’ll take) and the battles follow the rules of brutal… thoose kind of heroes wouldn’t last three minutes.
It’s true that I don’t want chosen ones… but I also need characters who actually stand a chance in a world where the “villains” are not the usual “over confident spoiled brat who is just lucky to have the high ground”
The principle because I’m against both is:
When someone actually earned an advantage or a victory, it’s glory; when the fate or the fortune give them, it’s cheating