I’ve begun work on my new game The Mystic’s Path. In it, you play a a seeker traveling to study with a wise woman.
Currently it’s about mostly done.
To play the demo, go here: http://dashingdon.com/go/3321
This is only the first couple of scenes
Any and all feedback is welcome.
The stats button doesn’t work.
Sorry about that. I had forgotten to upload that file. It should work now.
Same, it keeps loading. But overall the demo is pretty good.
That’s as much as I uploaded. If you want to see the full game, DM me for the link.
I’ve just done a quick read, and here are some comments I have
One thing I noticed is that you have many really short chapters. Is there a reason why you didn’t combine some into one chapter alone?
Another thing I’d recommend is using page breaks. There are many pages in which there’s too many words on one page alone. Breaking those long walls of text up into separate pages will make for easier reading.
I would say that some information of what the MC wants from lady amauta, their background, how they know about her, etc is needed. Otherwise, I feel it’s hard to be immersed in the story.
Something you should really include is customisation of the MC (e.g. Name, appearance, gender, etc). This may seem like a small thing, but it will go far in allowing readers to visualize how their MC looks like, and thus be immersed in the story!
I agreed with the things @Cheion points out, there should be some kind of introduction that throws the mc into the new world. I felt kinda confused when I started. It would be good to have some kind of introduction or explication of why we are there.
I’m interested. Looking forward to the rest of your work. Keep it up~
1&2. The primary reason that there are so many short chapters is because I missed that the pagebreak command existed. So the only way I could get it to break was to put it in a different scene which shows up as a separate chapter. I’ll work on combining some of those and breaking up some of the longer walls of text.
3&4 I wanted to MC to be a rather blank slate for people to be able to paint their own characters onto. But I see your point. I’ll add a introductory section to my introduction.
OK, I’ve done some tweaking and uploaded the results. Any better?
So far I like what I’ve read.
I like how you put an age limit when you get to choose your age (which I learned when I simply entered 1), although I noticed even if you make yourself older La Amauta still calls you a child. I’m not sure how old she is, though, so perhaps someone 75 is still a child compared to her!
I noticed that neither your age nor your gender gets mentioned again. It’s fine if they aren’t really important to the story, although maybe you can sneak them, and the reason for choosing to visit La Amauta, into the stats screen. That way readers feel like those choices matter, and reminds them who they are playing as.
I also noticed that when I chose to go home, it mentions that several months have passed, but from the time the game starts to when I speak to La Amauta about why I came to learn from her, only a few weeks have gone by.
I’m curious to see what happens next.
Just a tiny observation, but you do know that people speak portuguese in brazil, right? Not spanish.
If the Amauta is named after the Inca wise men, maybe you could change your story to Peru instead? I think it would make more sense.
Thank you. I’ve fixed the timing issue and updated the stats screen with the name and age. But how would you go about putting the gender and the reason on there, when they are choices instead of labelled variables?
You are absolutely right. I’ll make that update immediately.
Just like how you have string variables for the name and age, you’ll need a variable for gender and a variable for the reason in the startup. Then, just like how you use *set to alter the character’s personality depending on the choice made, you’ll use *set to determine the gender and reason under those choices. Just make sure you put *set before any *goto if they are under the same choice option.
Ok, It took a while, but I think I’ve got it working. Do you prefer it this way?
Yes, I think adding those lines to the stat page adds substance to the player character and the stat page itself.
I would delete the second set of questions asking your name, gender, and age though, since you aren’t using it anymore. I almost thought I was on a loop!
I have no idea why it was doing that. But I re-uploaded the scenes and it appears to have stopped. Thanks so much for your help.
LOVE that you ask for age in this! I love many of these COG’s and WIP’s but tire of having to (usually) play a teenager. I cant be the only one who doesnt care to revisit that time! Anyway, great start!