(WIP) The Children of Defiance (Updated 03/18/21)

Trigger Warnings

This CYOA contains depictions of fantasy racism, corrupt governments, police brutality, and mentions of war and blood.

What happens when a world is thrown into turmoil from a corrupt government, constant brutality from their own town guards, and a populace that doesn’t care to change the status quo?

Only you will decide.

In, what I hope, is the first installment of the Eglasia Mythos: The Children of Defiance, you play as a college student thrown in the fray of a war between the royal family, and a gang of the downtrodden: The Children of Defiance.

-Play as male, female, or non-binary; gay, straight, bi/pansexual, or ace
-Be one of 10 races, including human, elf, dwarf, speculo, and more
-Romance a charming assassin, a shy hacker, a hopeful ex-cop, or your best friend

Changelog

Ver 1 02/01/21
-the prologue and first half of the first chapter

Ver 1.1 02/05/2021
-fixed typos
-fixed continuity errors
-added default names for each race
-added more exposition for certain scenes
-added save feature

Ver 1.2 02/12/2021
-level one finished
-added lore in first half
-new money system
-shopping!
-a chance to flirt with your friend~

Ver 1.3 2/26/2021
-fixed typos and coding errors
-moved race choice to beginning of story
-you can now now specify your appearance

Ver 2.0 3/18/2021
-sneak peak of chapter two

Please send constructive criticism, typos, and errors.
Thanks y’all!

Game Link

https://dashingdon.com/go/7711

216 Likes

Great game can’t wait for the update :fire::fire:

1 Like

Well, I like the idea of modern day meets creatures of old lore, and the addition of strife as the underlying tone makes it all the more interesting and appealing to play the game.
The flow state works for me though it feels a bit bland, although its just a few thousand words so I wouldn’t think about it too much as iv not dwelved into the story cause of short demo.
As for typos -


"Comrades and dead alike"

"Nasty habit of"

a coding error

"It is still a slum" , "when its time to allocate"
That’s about it I think, I did choose the nephilim race so i don’t know if there’s any typos with the other one’s.
Wishing you best of luck with the rest of the book. Have a great one :beers:

2 Likes

@Kiddx Thank you! I’m also very excited to get the next part out.

@Paradox1 Thanks for pointing out those typos! Those will be fixed in the next update.

As for the world building, more of that will be shown in the next half. I’m trying to make the exposition feel as natural as possible.

6 Likes

That got me interested immediately, lol! Can’t lie, charming assassins get me hooked :joy:

typos: (there may be ones others have already caught)

Summary


should be: reared

enveloped

attended

is this intended?

isn’t Master supposed to be capitalized? also- That Master’s mine!


privileged

Also- would there be a save option?

2 Likes

this is very intriguing! love the summary already, and the way you write the prologue has already drawn me in! that said, i managed to catch a few spelling errors while reading:

typos i caught:

should be “feud”

“peaceful”

i think you are meant to use “reared” instead

“unbeknownst”

“receiving”

not exactly a typo or anything, but i think you forgot to put the variable on here!

thoughts: i’m really looking forward to this! you’ve set up a strong prologue and i already can’t wait for more! looking forward to meeting the other characters and the other ro’s too!

2 Likes

This was really fun! I loved my best friend and can’t wait to meet the shy hacker. The exposition of the world-building was delicious.

Typos (some have probably already been caught):

Sorry, I tend to be nitpicky.

The face off has taken a tole on you, and you need this moment of rest, however brief.

should be “toll”

You expected they’d put up a strong resistence, and it’s showing now.

should be “resistance”

As you scan the streets, your battlefield, the dead are nurmorous.

should be “numerous”

Comrads and dead alike are limp and tangled, fresh blood creating a lake of crimson.

should be “comrades”

“Don’t cease fire! I want every last one of these thugs dead!” Screams a booming voice.

“screams” should be in lowercase

“How dare he call our leader that!” you hear from your side of the fued.

should be “feud”

Your time to show everyone not mess with your family.

should be “not to mess with” (I think?)

Your english professor finshes her long winded rant after what felt like an eternity.

should be “English” (capitalized) and “finishes”

Professor Densia has a nasty of habit of going on tangets in the middle of lectures.

should be “nasty habit” and “tangents”

“Remember to check your scores for the final exam,” she practically shouts, tail flicking in frustration over the lack of attention her words are recieving.

should be “receiving”

That elicits a reaction from a few of your fellow students as some tease those who probably failed, and those who probably failed blush with embarassment.

should be “embarrassment”

A smile forms on your face. You passed

should have a period after “passed”

“We made it!” she hops up and down slightly as she talks

should be “She” (capitalized)

My mom and dad reered me (and similar options)

should be “reared”

A new voice interupts your chat as the two of you exit through the university doors.

should be “interrupts”

You’re eveloped in a quick hug, and before you can return the gesture, Sylfina is fast walking towards the group.

should be “enveloped”

Magic isn’t as prevelant in your family as it is others, but every few generations, a magic child is born.

should be “prevalent”

Minotaurs, elevs, orcs, dwarves, humans, and many other races make up the crowd.

should be “elves” (I think?)

Unbenownest to the tribe, Angelus had sent word back to the Aluin Empire, his home country, asking for assistance in conquering their new land.

should be “Unbeknownst”

Kaliegoss became an independant country, and who better to rule this new nation but Angelus himself.

should be “independent”

A peacefull march was paraded down the streets of Kaliegoss’ capitol, Valenreaux in 1927.

should be “peaceful”

Everything was going fine, until a shot rang throughout Valenreaux square.

should be “Square” (capitalized)

Your reflection stares back at you as your dry yourself.

should be “you”

Not only do you see your body, but your features a well.

should be “as”

They founded the once Kingdom, now Constitutional Monarchy of Kaliegoss, and dominate it’s politics.

should be “its”

You lived a fairly well childhood because of the privelige being human provided.

should be “privilege”

By 6:20, you’ve hit the snooze button quite a few times, eliciting more than a few groans from your half alseep form.

should be “asleep”

“I know!” Sylfina takes a bte of her scone and then continues

should be “bite”

“Of course, we don’t have to go. I did just spring it out of nowhere.” Sylfina looks embaressed now.

should be “embarrassed”

“Of course!” she pratically beams. “You know my biggest dream is to become-”

should be “practically”

Sylfina was going to become a voice for those less privaleged.

should be “privileged”

%!{friendhe} blushes, “Yeah.”

should be “$!{friendhe}”

The car sails down I-91 as the sun rises to it’s apex of the day.

should be “its”

This measures how dexterious you are. [from the Stat Explanations]

should be “dexterous”

A high presence allows you to make moving speaches, decieve your enemy, or even play an instrument while not sounding like a dying animal. [from the Stat Explanations]

should be “speeches” and “deceive”

Also, are you planning to use the Dashingdon save plugin?

1 Like

This is really interesting! Will definitely be looking forward to more of it. :+1:

Feedback and Typo report below!

Summary


Toll, resistance, numerous, and I think it goes “comrades and enemies alike are dead, all limp and tangled


I think this is meant to be “reared”


For this last one, I chose my MC to be raised by their grandparents and twas mentioned in that selection that the parents were never in the picture so I think this line is a bit out of place for that choice.

1 Like

Definitely can’t wait too see more of this world. It’s going to be soo interesting!!!

1 Like

Wow the world is really awesome and I didn’t stop reading for a min can’t wait to read more :grin:

1 Like

magic is bloodline depended
oppressed elfes
“knife-ear”
“No race other than the dwarves have entered its doors, and if a citizen leaves to the surface, they are exiled from re-entering” Orzammar
“The elves were the original natives of what your family called “Adrayae”, and still call to this day.” Arlathan tho

I see what you did there fellow Dragon Age fan. (Love it btw)
(Or maybe they are all coincidences and I am just imagining thing in this case, sorry)

4 Likes

I thought I recognized the word Kaliegoss! Hey, Dillpickle. Glad to see your work on the forum again. :grin:

1 Like

image
typo here

image
coding error or typo

I’d suggest adding default names to choose from. It’s quite interesting, I’d love to see more.

1 Like

Thank you to everyone who pointed out typos and coding errors! A new update fixing those will be made by the end of today, and maybe even the second half of chapter one, (if I can finish it by today)

@TheBlast You are 100% correct, actually! Dragon Age is one of my favorite game series, and I drew a lot of inspiration from it when creating Eglasia

@LadyUmbreon89 Thank you! I wasn’t happy with The Kaliegoss Saga, so I decided to start fresh, even adding new lore to the world. I’m a lot happier with this storyline I’ve come up with, and I hope you like it too!

2 Likes

Am interesting premise! I love that there are many races to choose from. Adds a lot of flavour and immersion.

Feedback and errors

When choosing our name, I think it would be nice to have some default names to choose from, instead of always manually entering it. Because when testing by replaying, always having to enter a name feels a bit tiresome (or it could just be my laziness.)

Screenshot_2021-02-03-12-10-04
It should be ‘toll’

Screenshot_2021-02-03-12-11-17
I think it should be ‘tangents’

Screenshot_2021-02-03-12-11-37
I think you missed a full-stop, but since we’ve topped the class, maybe something like “You passed with flying colours.” would be nice.

Screenshot_2021-02-03-12-12-12
Should be ‘specifics’

Screenshot_2021-02-03-12-17-18
I think there’s an unnecessary blank space here

I think this should be Change Log?

I’ve tried to avoid any errors which others already pointed out, but I apologise if I repeated any.

I’m really looking forward to this story!

1 Like

Looks interesting so far.

1 Like

It was strange to advise the friend what to do about the family without knowing what is the conflict between them. On what information you intend us to base the advice?

4 Likes

I have to agree. Without a bit of context, it is hard to say whether they’re just being overprotective, attempting to be controlling in that way that some parents are, or if it’s all just our friend acting out, and being childish.

For the controlling parents, total cut-off is an adequate (often times rightful) response, though it does leave the dissatisfaction of our friend never getting to state their side of things, whether the parents would ever listen, or not. No actualization of catharsis for our friend’s strength as an adult, or improved inner peace, though that’s not to say they’ll never move on if it is their choice instead of ours.

For the other two, though… Some form of communication between both sides to help our friend maintain a healthy support network is a good thing. Life is short, and not being able to talk just causes more grief from the unanswered “what ifs” in life.

Without that prior context, our MC’s advice as a friend is potentially always bad. If that’s the intention, then the feeling of uncertainty is on point. Doesn’t make me feel any better about potentially leading my best friend wrong, though. :sweat_smile:

3 Likes

information provided : “horned, devilish humanoids.”
me : antler horns


antler horns

5 Likes

@fisheye @LadyUmbreon89 I slipped a little bit of what the situation is. I’ll rework some things to better clarify in the next update.

Speaking of that, I know I promised it would come out the other day, but work got in the way. I have today off tho, so expect the first typo/rework update by the end of today!

@clementine I love this interpretation of the cambions! It seems a lot more ethereal than my interpretation of them, but the otherworldlyness of your interpretation would probably add to the mistrust humans have against them. Thank you for showing me, it means a lot, especially since this is the first piece of fan art for anything I’ve created :two_hearts: Keep up the good work

3 Likes