[WIP] Night of the Winter Star

Hey everyone! It’s been a hot minute since I’ve been around. Probably, what, 2 or 3 years?

This is something I started in June and the work I was doing quickly teetered off. Hopefully posting this will renew my motivations to finish it, as well as finding interest in this story for this medium.

Hopefully y’all enjoy it. Welcome to Night of the Winter Star.

Short Tentative Synopsis:

The Night of the Winter Star—a celebration held by the Crown themselves for the Winter Star and the Goddess, Maribelle. However, things become dicey when a woman you’ve never met accuses you of sending death threats.

Play the game on Dashingdon!

Currently Includes:

  • A prologue worth about 8,000 total words
  • Play as Lincia Ethelgarde, daughter of the Marquess

What I’m looking for:

  • Content issues
  • Stylistic Advice/Editing

Plans for the Future:

  • A magic system!
  • A cooking system!
  • A properly planned story arc!

Current Thoughts:

  • Transitioning into a semi-closed beta after CH1 or CH2.
  • Still wondering if a set character is cool
  • What stats should I specifically be using
56 Likes

Hey, this was cool!

I’m always down to play a disgraced noble, especially one that is wrongly accused. I have no idea why.

Will be looking forward to see more. Good luck!

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I love it so far! I hope it’s a success!

I like the concept but a couple things seemed strange to me:

Why would the Duke… let alone the King… strip the family of their status if the Duke acknowledged that the family seems to be telling the truth about not having anything to do with the letter - especially without properly investigating first?.

It also seems weird to me that the entire family would be stripped of status when the letter was “signed” by MC specifically. Unless it’s simply because she’s their child? It seems more likely that they’d strip her of her family name/banish her. The final thing - much more of a minor detail than the other stuff - is why would sending the letter be punishable by death? Because it’s threatening? Because of who it was written to?

With all that being said, I look forward to reading more!

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I would rather the King strip me from my title than my Family (in the game)

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I feel the vibe of the villainess noble girl hé, hé ~.

I definitely like it but stripping a noble family for a letter where nobody can prove it’s been sent by the MC… The reason is a little weak. Especially since the duke is agreeing about neither of the MC’s family sending the threatening letter.

The punishment could be explain if the king wanted to destroy the family. Or if it’s a strangely way to protect the family like a plan made by the king/duke/marquess (MC’s father). But still… It’s a threatening letter, not an assassination attempt.

And… If the family has no title anymore… Why has the father still the chamberlain job ? Ok, it could be a point in the bargain. But still, the man would be a commoner.

About the café : I sincerely doubt a noble woman groomed to be the perfect wife of a noble would have the idea to start a business so… Common. At least a high standing salon de thé for other nobles. And still I’m not convinced.

Finally : the money. They are a marquess family, they have money. The father is still a chamberlain and the son a knight. It’s not because you lose your title than you lose your money. I’m not sure they need to start a business.

The end : Yes it’s the end of the comment : will there be RO ? If yes who ? I would love to learn about them even if we won’t meet them soon.

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Bad thing about politics someone will always accuse you to get more power the worst part is it did medieval days cuz you might lose your life and the accusations of death threats can kill person strip them of their land and and your family to be paraded around like they’re the ones who did it

I agree with these points… while politics can be cutthroat in the apparent era i doubt there would be stripping of titles. It would be more likely a scandle that they would have hanging over them for awhile. Also confused why a Duke would risk his reputation in this fashion; what does he gain by discracing them?

Still could be interesting. The writing is decent, even if the pace feels rushed and plot feels a little force because the above points.

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I hadn’t thought much about the cafe stuff yet since it was in the final paragraph or so of the demo and idr if the author specified a time period, but given the “justice” system, I imagine it’s back in the day which makes me think about the fact that women back in the day weren’t allowed to be business owners.

Now of course, that’s easily a creative liberty. Perhaps they’re actually in a more progressive society. But then that feels like it contradicts with the stripping of titles and what not :thinking:

Actually you’re right. In the past women couldn’t have business or have their own money.

So if it’s in a world where women can have their own businss, it’s still not obvious than a noble can have the same business but if it is possible then… Stripping the title is a little contradictory.

Plus, let’s say they do it. Business, no title… Would they let their daughter work there ? They could still want for her to have a good marriage. And working in a common business seems not in the same logic. Or the MC can find a work in a “better” place, a more “honorable” work. Don’t know… Hm…

The situation in the game is absurd. How the king and that duke settled the problem and how that minor noble openly accused MC’s family is very incompetent and infuriating. There was so much of injustice just in one prologue, that I felt every possible emotion within myself. Your writing was really well written and immersive. I really hope that we get a great chance of retribution and I get to demolish both the duke and that woman. Something tells me that both of them are involved in this scheme because they regard Ethelgarde family as a threat.

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Probably because the Ethelgarde family is powerful.

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I suppose this would depend on if their daughter is now a social pariah as a result of the whole… scandal?.. if so, she’s probably a lot less likely to secure a good marriage.

Thanks everyone for your replies! It’s given me a lot to think about.

I think I will change a couple of things to make the prologue more cohesive and logical. As @bric, as well as a few others have discussed, the punishment of stripping the whole family of their titles was strange. It was sort of a justification for something that I planned for events later in the story. I definitely will go back to this and rework it a little bit, possibly changing the punishment and maybe not stripping the titles at all. For now, it’ll stay as is until I get into a writing rhythm.

The business aspect was actually the main concept that I wanted to play with for this WIP. As for the inequalities that @bric and @Wolfie talk about, I hadn’t really thought about that, tbh. Thinking back on it now, I think not starting as an owner would be a better arc than what’s currently written. That should also transition the mechanics and the world-building better as well. What do you guys think about this change?

I do want to ask about the pace now. @Steph_Banks mentioned that it feels rushed and I’m not too sure how to improve on that. I thought that the timing felt right for what I wanted for the story, the party and the timeskip included. For those of you who feel the story moves too slow or too fast, let me know what parts are causing those feelings. Otherwise, let me know what’s working! I like hearing about which sequences and lines y’all like.

About RO options which @Wolfie asked about, I kind of wanted to stay away from that aspect, especially right now, since my focus is on another aspect of the game/story. For sure the thought has crossed my mind, however, I haven’t made the necessary plans to include them.

Thanks again everyone for the replies! I appreciate the problems pointed out and the enthusiasm for the story.

Changes will likely take a while as I start writing again after a month and a half of hiatus. I’ll post again once I’ve fleshed out the next part!

3 Likes

Well if there is a reason for such a punishment, it’s fine. Like a political plot. But in that case maybe tell that the cast of nobles are all shocked about what happened or the balance of powers is in trouble, something like that. Or just the other girl can lie about a bigger problem than just a letter.

And for the owner of a business, like I said, they still have their money. As nobles, or ex-nobles, they still would prefer have their own business than to work for a commoner. I think they have enough money to be owner of their own business. But a café seems like a common business, maybe something more high standing, maybe about books or culture, something that commoner can find difficult tu put their hands on ? And if the father is not the chamberlain anymore then he can have his name on the business. It would deal with the problem of who officially run the business.

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I like Medieval Politics and such, it is very intriguing. I would want fair trial of course and I have a feeling Anastasia and Duke Dharc are behind the letter that led to our downfall.

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Thanks for the input @Wolfie and @WarMaster999! Currently I’m happy with the edits that I’ve done for now (the change in punishment and accusation). The plan is to continue the story first before any other major changes.

To update:
I hope to be updating at least one every two weeks, if not once a week.

I’ve been a bit slow to write (only about 1600 words since I’ve gotten feedback, including some rewrites). It’ll be a little while before I’m ready to release chapter 1, or a portion of it, for demo.

I’ve also been planning a bunch. Things like stats, skills, traits, etc. Currently still in the brainstorming stage, but there are three or four categories I’m considering: General Stats/Personality Stats, Cooking & Recipes, and Magic/Combat. Let me know what y’all think and any advice on how to execute these categories.

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Honestly, take your time. Life happens. We get free entertainment.

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Thanks for understanding, @FutbolDude21586. These updates are primarily for me to stay engaged and focused. If life does happen, though, I’ll definitely take a break or update less frequently.

For this week’s update:
Not much more content has been written. I got stuck at a particular scene where, had I set up some stats beforehand, I could’ve pushed through. At the very least, I’m hoping to update the demo so that some of the early changes are included. Specifically the last 1000 words or so. Expect that for next week, probably.

I’ve put more work into said stats and T/F switches. I’ve had to go through the demo and add in some lines of code here and there. Currently, picking and choosing stats have been difficult. Specifically for the behaviour/personality portion. Not sure if there are too many or not enough. I’ll probably put out what I have along with that demo update. Again, any advice is welcome.

I have all the scenes for chapter 1 planned. All I have to do is write it and hopefully that comes easily.

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Really excited!

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