Yup, saves are still overlapped with some other games and it’s a shame to overwrite some other game’s saves.
Clyde you are welcome! This is also my first time sharing more than just poetry and essays online. Creating a real story is a whole other monster altogether. That is so cool you play tabletop RPG!. I have never done it before; but, iI did watch Dungeons of Drakenheim by the Dungeon Dudes online. I thought the way they played DnD was fun and inclusive to creativity. I am learning how to balance that while allowing for people to bypass that creative input. I think it would be so much fun to be a Dungeon Master…and so much work! A story where you, the writer, can get swept away into the creative solutions of the players. I will definitely read more of your story today so I can give deeper feedback. We are going to help each other across the finish line my friend. I really believe in this opportunity to get published if you are determined to do so. The coding early-on almost shut me down; but, it is very learnable and I found so many various ways to infuse that DnD feeling into a story. They even sell DnD games that mimic the COG feel. I can only hope we can beat that by putting better writing out there. This is a tough crowd in here to please so…the crucible is hot lol. I started this whole thing out of nostalgia for “Choose Your Own Adventure” stories I read when I was younger. I just saw that one of the major players in COG released one! I thought…“right on man…living the dream…” I have ideas of course to write standard novels as well; but, probably best to get something going here first; and, if people like it…keep doing it. Anyhow, let me get to reading further along in your story. Cheers!
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Ok so I read on some more… I am imagining myself as that cool janitor in “The Breakfast Club” First, your stat screen is working great and adding in my info nicely. Well done! Second, nice story telling. I like the sort of ending part at the beginning then the flash back to a month prior. Always love that stuff. I really feel like a janitor scrapping gum off-of the floor. I gained some scrapping power thankyou very much. But you’ve set that initial scene in the back of my head so I know something is going to happen. Congratulations, you created nice tension there. My only suggestion thus far is when I was drinking from that freshly cleaned, glorious hall-way water fountain, you could of gone farther and described that coppery, peppery, wonderful water fountain taste to me that i think my character would oddly love. Or, maybe i would go " ahhhhhh" like a Canada Dry commercial or something. Great work so far with painting that picture!
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Okay, So Yea…I definitely love this already!! It’s well written so far and it kept me immersed from beginning to end. Right away, I can tell Cy will be my favorite.
What I really appreciated; was that the personality traits actually came through from time to time in the writing and that you actually give us a good sized boost to whatever skills stats we choose to focus on.
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Besides a few typos, I’m genuinely impressed with the state you’ve already got it in. Really nails the poor working class schlub life while drawing you into the mystery of the world itself, I’ll be watching this one. Bravo!
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Small update about to go up. No real content changes, mainly fixing the save bug, some typos, and grammar issues. Thanks to everyone that pointed them out. I try to edit all the kinks out, but staring at text for long enough, it’s easy to glaze over some of the issues.
@Shenice_L That’s really cool! I’m glad you enjoyed what’s there and made fan art. It’s kind of wild that something I’ve been working on inspired others in some way.
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Silly coding error. Fixed and updated.
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After I signed the contract and met Cynthia the game ends with an error so I’m assuming thats the end of the demo yeah?
As for the story…not gonna lie that was a very boring prologue and chapter 1. Just woke up and worked as a janitor and got fired like really?
Then I got kidnapped by some zombies and basically forced to join an agency?. Very boring and rushed story, the MC is also a passive MC that is strung along by the plot which is a very basic mistake.
Even worse if you don’t join the Agency you die?.
At this point this is just mediocre writing. I would recommend eliminating the janitor part of the story entirely.
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Sorry you didn’t enjoy it. I will say that the more mundane aspects of the MCs work is a theme I wish to capitalize. I wanted to write somethhing that worked against the more troupey bad-ass supernatural fighting squad. Something that showed the cruddy and mundane side of an otherwise fantastical world. So, if you find that unappealing, this might not be a good story for you.
I don’t plan on removing the prologue as it’s to help set the mundane tone mixed with some initial character creation. I am curious if you have any suggestions on what could improve it and the rushed pace you mention. I was a bit torn between whether to use the prologue just for character creation and then let the MC loose in the world, or to expand upon it at the risk of making it feel padded out.
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The choice to follow tropes or not depends on the author of course, tropes are easy to copy/use as coming up with something original can be difficult and risky. Of course there are lots of interesting “origins” for the MC that can be made up from a government assassin or a mercenary working for a crime organization or a criminal on the run but it has to be interesting and not “just a regular guy working a regular job”
I mean if the theme of the story and the main character is intentionally boring and mundane then yeah a lot of people are gonna find it boring as I did thats not a surprise. What confuses me is that if the MC and the prologue is boring at the end of the day whats gonna happen is that when the main story and drama/action happens the MC is gonna get pushed forward anyways as a passive character like in the current demo of being forced to suddenly join an agency.
If the MC/Backstory/Prologue is interesting then the story pushes forward but the MC can be written as an active character (seeking revenge, running away from someone, etc).
Well if you insist on writing a story that focuses on a boring mundane MC thats a regular person this is gonna be hard as a lot of stories start with action/drama happening either with the MC or some other character.
I would suggest instead of having a boring prologue to suddenly getting kidnapped and forced to join the agency out of the blue which basically went from super slow to really fast pacing to just starting right at the action instead.
Start the story with the MC waking up in the apartment and getting kidnapped and forced to join the agency but that eliminates the boring janitor prologue. Also there’s no point in having the choice to refuse if it only leads to a “bad end”. I know its choose your own story but its still more a story not a game lol. Another thing I find to be strange is that the team that you’re suppose to join is a cleanup team? Like that is intentionally a boring job?
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If you want the change the pace of the prologue, the best way to do that is to intersperse character creation throughout the game (not just the prologue), instead of making it happen all in one go.
For example, the favourite animal question could be placed much further into the game - maybe one of the ROs comments about how they have or they’d like to get X animal as a pet, and there you could put in a choice with options like “you like X animal, too, it’s your favourite” and “eeeh, if you were going to get a pet, you’d much prefer it to be animal Y” or something. Even the eye and hair stuff could be separated - make the eye one when you look in the mirror (IIRC, that’s where it is), and put in the hair choice while you’re waiting for the principal to see you (you can set it off with a personality choice, too: coming from “you lazily run your fingers through your hair” or “nervous from the wait, you run your fingers through your hair” into the hair colour choice sets two very different tones).
For the record, I have never agreed with a single thing that I’ve seen 9gag post, and not just in this thread. 
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Just adding my 2 cents, think what you have now is fine enough and I’m curious as to how you’ll take the MCa job.
The only issue 8 had with what you laid out , has already been mentioned , that the prologue starts with you IN the agency and yet you’re given the option to say ‘No’ twice.
N while I appreciate all that, it just don’t make much sense when in the future he’s remembering dying instead of joining. The only change id recommend making there is allow the player to say No the first time. The second time make the Character say yes ,because they’re janitor and they’re being rather intimidated at that moment.
So just remove the option to say No the second time and do a tad bit of railroading. I know I know, people got issues with that but if the MC joining at that moment is important for the story then it needs to happen then, especially if you’re happy with how the prologue starts.
As I said it’s my only issue but it could also be that I’m the kind of guy who’d constantly pick death over and over. Otherwise I found it a good enough start that can springboard any which direction.
…also I’m a fan of just setting up the character at the start, instead of getting several chapters in and then it asking me some basic things about my character. But that’s just me.
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Or, if you feel up to it, have the story branch and send them into holding/processing where they have to wait while the Agents get the necessary clearance to carry out the execution. Bureaucracy moves at the speed of a snail sleepwalking up a glass mountain backwards, typically, so it could be plenty of time between the two events. And if, while MC is in holding, the janitorial team manager is allowed in to try and talk them into it, making the acceptance of the position inevitable may not feel…managed enough to be considered railroading. If the situation wears MC down to the point where they accept, that’s one thing that may keep the choice from feeling as forced as it is.
(Sorry about my horrible sentence structure there. I’m tired.)
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So, I’ve been doing a decent bit of thinking on what you wrote, and while I see the logic behind a lot of what you’re saying, I don’t think much of the advice you’ve given is applicable to my project.
Of course there are lots of interesting “origins” for the MC that can be made up from a government assassin or a mercenary working for a crime organization or a criminal on the run but it has to be interesting and not “just a regular guy working a regular job”
I don’t quite agree with the idea of a regular Joe not being a good option for a story. While the government assassin or criminal on the run are exciting, they can be difficult to relate to. A character that works a standard job with a standard background will be much easier to fit into as a regular reader. Sometimes that escapism and fantasy is exciting, but I want to tap more into the feelings the reader would have if they were placed in that insane and cruddy situation. I want it to feel a bit more grounded, and the MC being easier to relate to helps.
If the MC/Backstory/Prologue is interesting then the story pushes forward but the MC can be written as an active character (seeking revenge, running away from someone, etc).
While this obviously isn’t seen yet in the content that exists, there will be mystery and slice of life elements in the story. The mystery will offer the MC something to act upon and seek out, allowing for a more active experience. The slice of life elements will inevitably make the story a bit slower, but further develop the characters, which will be a focus in the story.
Start the story with the MC waking up in the apartment and getting kidnapped and forced to join the agency but that eliminates the boring janitor prologue.
This goes against the idea of breaking the troupe of badass supernatural fighting team. This gives off the idea that the MC is a chosen one type that’s super special and is needed by the agency for some reason. I want to play into the mundane, and often unexplored, realistic aspect of these fantasy worlds. The MC being a relatively normal person plays further into that.
Also there’s no point in having the choice to refuse if it only leads to a “bad end”.
This choice exists to mainly characterize the agency. Show their very black and white approach to keeping the supernatural hidden. But, as I thought about the project, I have (what I think to be) an interesting compromise that’ll further main plot a bit better without going to a “bad end.” So, that is going to get changed.
Another thing I find to be strange is that the team that you’re suppose to join is a cleanup team? Like that is intentionally a boring job?
To be blunt, yes. The MC is stuck with a mundane yet graphic job. My main premise for the game is the MC is a janitor thrown into a supernatural world. Will this premise work for everyone? God no. But I think it’s unique and could make for a fun story.
Sorry if this was a bit rambly. Your comments gave me a lot to think about, and I’m really glad you shared your opinion! This gave me the chance to take a step back and really ponder what I want to write. It’s not a typical story by any means, but it’s something I want to make and share. So again, thanks for the critiques and suggestions!
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No! Do not give my MC traumas. Stop trying to make everything anime.
This reason is because you keep trying to turn WIPs I’m interested in into things I won’t be interested in.
I didn’t “call you out specifically”. You posted your stance, presumably to sway the author in the direction of it, and I don’t like that direction, so I said I disagreed with it. This is not “calling out”. If you don’t want people to say they disagree with your position, don’t post your position.
Presumably, because you keep calling their work “mediocre cop[ies]”.
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I namedropped you because you were the one putting forth stances I disagree with. That is not “targeting you”.
I am, again, not targeting you. I am following WIP threads I’m interested in, and then you post in those threads trying to sway the author into taking the work in directions I don’t like, so I tell the author “hey, those things that dude said, I don’t agree that’s the direction you should be taking things.” This is not “targeting you.”
Which is why I give them input that I don’t agree with the way you would like them to take things, lest they think their entire audience wants the work to go in that direction.
I don’t actually need your permission to do whatever, thanks.
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I just want to mention, that the story cought my Attention because it is mundane(that does not make it boring per se) and different to all the other stuff out there.
I prefer a unique Story, than having a Action ridden ‘good’ Copy of XYZ.
For me personally character interaction and the development of a character and his circumstances are a lot more interesting than being the Chosen one that saves the world ‘again’.
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I’ve reached the point that “chosen one” and “prophecy” are two things that put me about 7/10th of the way to noping out out a work. If I’m predestined to succeed just let me go spend the entire game in Tahiti drinking mai-tais served by pretty girls in swimsuits and sarongs, it’s not like I can fail, so why would I worry about it? (this is the shortened version of a much longer discussion I’ve had at… the disliked tropes thread, I think)
I’m pressing F to pay respects. 
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I’m crying right now because I’m woman so aparently I’ll have to read only Wayhaven and delete the other books on my library.
This is so sad. Alexa please play Despacito.
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