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Heya, continuing with my bug reports, here are the bugs I could identify combing through Ch1. (No colours like Tumblr, so I’ve utilized bolding for problem areas and [square brackets] for my explanations of issue type or suggested edits if needed.)
Ch1 Bug Reports
Ordered mostly chronologically, except I’ve grouped all the pronoun capitalization errors together because I feel like that could be a recurring code issue rather than one-off typos.
General
With a painted red smile applied so skil**[missing ‘l’]**fully you might think it natural, the[remove] February turns and indicates smoothly behind her, causing her pale blonde ponytail, tied high, to hang over one shoulder.
But, perhaps your[remove] better count your savings as well, all the same." February winks.
The T[t]elevision in front of me may have changed, been swapped or upgraded, but it’s never strayed from its position against the same wall, with the same dark wooden table beneath it. Pictures[remove] frames coating the walls, likewise, leave squares and rings of dust at their borders, but the memories inside change as life moves on.
[Feels like a word is missing or could use rewording:]
Even with the scene of the crime vanished from the screen, it still persists in the dull pain thrumming marking every movement of my abdomen.
I’m not in the mood to do that lazy landlord the courtesy, however. Stubborn, too. DId I call him lazy?
Though worry has become more prevalent for my[remove] him since my teenage years, it’s still not a word I would use to chiefly describe my dad.
[Missing punctuation after hair selection for short hair (tried various lengths, colours, and textures, only happened with short):]
I run a calming hand over my short hair, exhaling the frustration with the satisfying feeling of the clipped (colour and texture variables)[missing period]
I wonder if he’d support me if he knew the truth? The fact I continue to lie tell[s] me I already know the answer.
Something about my look must amuse him. He breaks outs[remove] into a smile. “I just wanted to say,” he starts, “as your old dad…I’m so proud of you.”
“Come on.” he beams as he finally takes to the stairs, gesturing for me as he does. [this is actually Dad speaking, so a regular typo, not a pronoun code issue]
Duplicate: Which means the righthand door downstairs must be the toilets door be the toilets, I puzzle out in my head.
Description of Tilly’s hair (unsure if affects m!T): Her red lengths of hair are as straight as the rest of her uniform look[s] and, reaching to just above her shoulders, they’re kept in place by a black plastic headband.
Capitalization: the smaller blonde sends a look out the door, and then shrugs. “Well, he was supposed to be right behind me.”
“And the antisocial one,” Connor teases, gesturing with a nod. “Is Owen.” [Would probably reformat punctuation to …with a nod**,** “is Owen.”]
[Only need one ‘you’] Superpowers can help you make you a lot of enemies—but they’ve yet to make me any friends.
[Should be recommended past tense?] “I recommend her to Mr**[add a period]** Spence, just thinking of the future.” Charlie gives a bit more context. “But RFI scheduled her in about a year earlier than I was expecting.”
[Duplicate] “See what?” I I take a step to see the screen past the Redfern’s chestnut blockade.
[Move comma location to be “…they, in truth, have…”] Police officers of the New Cronaca Police Department blow aimlessly between them, pretending to look busy as they chat idly and peruse the evidence like someone would an item in a shop they, in truth have, no intention of buying.
“Sucking up to Walsh is [a] far dirtier job, Deputy.”
Pastel Square, of course, and all the businesses held within And then Quarter’s Chapel, the junction’s namesake.
…yet the roads failed to give way to the growing number of automobiles traversing them, cars becoming common place [should be one word] with every year which passed.
A singular, reinforced-to-the-stars-and-back metal rail, curved and wound through the city like live-giving [a life-giving] blood vessel, flanked on either side by two parallel running girders, bolted and strung into place.
[After Casey compliments MC’s eyes, various MC responses have some minor typos in the following dialogue:]
- “Was that flirting? Because I’ve seen better flirting skills from inanimate objects.” >>> “Well, is there anyone else with expressivel eyes around here?” I counter.
- “No—” I say quickly, somewhat flustered “—I mean, I appreciate the compliment, it just kind of came out of nowhere, is all.” >>> Yeah." I smile. “Thanks. Sort off…”
- “You don’t talk with other people very much, do you?” >>> He opens his mouth, and the closes it. "I…I want to try." he eventually says. [would use comma instead of period]
[Eye colour following text]
It’s no[missing ‘t’] the first time people have been funny about my eyes.
[Noticed that when selecting Brown, both Light or Dark, the next page/line of text does not capitalize the ‘a’ to start the sentence. All other colour combos seem fine.]
a compassionate strong brown…
A dull screech, and then a clunking of breaks proceeds [precedes?] the sound of time-tested doors prying themselves open.
He slowly lights up at the expression, standing a little taller. And the[missing ‘n’] he speaks: “I’m Casey Dyer, by the way,” he says. “My full name.”
"Well, she’s not exactly known to be bubbly, to be fair; I just thought that might be because she’s only in public for these big, pedestal-putting occasions. But please, please, tell me you had more of an interaction than this, though?[missing quotation] she urges. “What’s she like, y’know, in actual person?” [sounds a bit strange, but can pass it off as dialogue/normal speech isn’t perfect]
Missing quotation: [“]And I’m a Tammer for Redfern Innovations."
I nod, having forget [forgotten?] my game plan for a moment. It didn’t take much.
“Only for my bag,” I reiterate, trying to play it off. “It has my laptop in [it], amongst other things…”
I sit up slightly. “Uh, Is that something you’d think they would do?” I ask.
Capitalization and dialogue punctuation (maybe needs a new line?): Deputy lee sets down his pad with a private sigh. “You’re sure you didn’t see anything that might help?” he asks a final time. “Someone in a…make-do costume—a hoodie and ski goggles—anyone match that description?[”] [new line?] "There was also some conflicting information,” the deputy continues, "but a number of the eyewitnesses at the bank claimed seeing a similar complexion—”
If I’d have known that bank job was going to raise my notoriety so much I might’ve been more diligent in following my plan through discretely. tried to play it a bit safer than I did, more subtle. I recline against the chair back, already anticipating getting returning to Bonnie. [would either remove “getting” or rephrase to “getting to return to”]
[Duplicate and ‘identiFy’] Any surface and wall space that can manage it is laden with laboratory equipment and other technical bits and pieces that Deputy Lee would need need to consult a manual to identity [identify]. For this basement doubles as the NCPD’s forensic department—where, more than anyway [anywhere?], the bulb needs changing.
Second stop for the tour is the kitchen. Fitted neatly into the the thinner twin of the lounge space,…
[Reads oddly] Unpacking. Just as simple as it is to add two letters to change the meaning of a word is it to unpack. It’s merely the reverse of a process you’ve already done.
When,[don’t think this comma is necessary] I thought we had agreed a long time ago that, if my memories are going to insist of [would remove] using me as a halfway house, they need to do so by taking care of themselves.
Capitalization: She says It’s not that much more of a struggle to put anything longer on, but my guess is that it’s enough to be a sober reminder for her.
University was never on [in] the cards for me.
“Actually, I think the two of you are near set-up at the [this] point,” he says with a proud, yet regretful, smile.
“You’ve got my number if you need any[missing ‘t’]hing, okay?”
Reads oddly: I struggle to warm up to the bed. Not in anyway uncomfortable is it, it’s just…different.
Pronoun Capitalization Issues (with other typos if nearby)
This playthrough had Bonnie(f), Casey(m), Tilly(f), and Lee(m).
Casey: I’m looking at some kind of delivery boy [extra space before comma], standing in front of me with a brown paper bag in hand. he’s small, and wears and open face helmet and obscuring driving goggles.
his gaze loses its intensity as confusion takes its place, shaping his whole expression.
Bonnie: she half-smiles. “Someone who you’re not tired of hearing.”
Tilly: "she was meant to greet me at the door. she left me that instead.”
Tilly (choice option and in the following page text): “she’s…um. I don’t know, really.” I hesitate to admit to the way Tilly already caught my eye, especially to Bee. >>> “she’s…um,” I start, before failing to come up with an answer…
- Punctuation (would change to comma) on that same page: “Name,” Bonnie explains for me**.[,]** “it’s as obvious as the brown in your eyes—you totally fancy your new admin officer.”
Capitalization for m!Lee: he scribbles the names down like he must’ve done a thousand times before.
Another time later: he smirks. “How old are you**[,]** Name, if I can ask?”
he turns to me. “Apart from vigilantism being against the law?” he smirks at my reaction.
Bonnie: I’m looking at Bonnie’s thirteenth birthday party. her second one.
More Bonnie: she takes a sip of her coffee, face fixed with concentration as she scrolls on the trackpad, oblivious to my observation.
she’s had the tick since we were little, and back then it was over trivial things…
her hand dances over the keys so confidently now, like nothing could waver it even an inch.
“Let’s just say that I’m very good at listening now.” she sniffs before making an appreciative noise.
she laughs. "Well, why not? It looks like it’s paid off for the both of us now, doesn’t it? Like, big time—it’s all change, isn’t it?[missing quotation] she says, eyes practicality[practically] sparkling.
Continuity Issue
[Robin’s name hasn’t been introduced via dialogue yet, but MC knows it. Robin’s name is only introduced after this line when Charlie says something like “this is my little sister, Robin.”]
Owen, or who I assume must be Owen, enters the room, with notably less fanfare than the preceding Robin.
Bug reports are helpful, but it can feel strangely negative to list out errors, so just want to balance that out with saying thanks again for all the work you put into this IF. I’ve chosen to put effort into bug searching because I enjoy the story enough to carefully read through it. Great work, and happy writing/coding/plotting!
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Very professional! Thank you so much 
And don’t worry about feeling strange—it feels weird asking people to pick apart my work haha. Though the kind words are always appreciated 
I will get to sorting these!
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More bugs from my continued playthrough. This catches up to the end of the current demo (Ch2).
Ch2 Bug Reports
Listed chronologically as I came across them. Same as before, bolded errors and put my comments/suggestions in [square brackets].
The quicker they’re gone, the quick[er] I prove Tilly wrong.
Typos in choice options:
**[missing quotation] “**Tilly? You’ll be safer behind me. Now.”
“I kinda need my arms free if I’m going to stop the nasty man from killing us, Tilly [extra space]. And my legs. Don’t want to ruin the moment or anything—just putting it out there.” [the subsequent page text also has an extra space “…from killing us, Tilly …” I remind her…]
[Gentle suggestion to maybe change the wording so “suddenly” doesn’t appear in back to back sentences. Also a typo.] “Um, I don’t know if you know me…" she says, and suddenly she’s starting to relax her muscles again, slowly, but surely. Suddenly, she forces her’s breaths to calm with diligent effort, making sure her words come out right.
Maybe my new bed’s caused me to sleep funny, saddling me with strange dreams, because,[would remove this comma] not only is Tilly Redfern showing enthusiasm—an emotion other than bitterness—but it’s entirely directed, in an awestruck manner, at me. Me. [T]the bothersome new hire.
Pronoun capitalization for Tilly: she shrugs, sticking her hands in her pockets. Her skirt is muddied with dust…
I dart forward to [keep] her from toppling over, sitting her down carefully on the shallow air conditioning unit behind. “Careful,” I warn. “You might not feel it, but I bet you’ve got [a] star’s shine of a concussion right now.”
M!Lee pronoun: With a quiet satisfied noise, the deputy picks up a box from the back of the table and tips its contents out gently onto the wooden surface. he steps aside for me to see.
But…there’s a lot more on that table than you’d need to severe[remove ‘e’] a single track, surely, even accounting for spares.
M!Lee pronoun: “Here,” I say. “From one good guy to another, right?” he takes the thick black square from me as I offer it to him.
Not an error, I just love this line. The mental image is hilarious XD (especially with a tiny MC and tall Lee): The weight from behind takes me mostly of my own volition—otherwise Deputy Lee would have bounced off of me like a beach ball.
“I’ll wait for you call, then,” he says, in the tone of departing words laced with a not-so-subtle reminder. [Either your call, or for you to call]
The support of my new colleagues apparently holds more sway than whatever my nervous ramble was turning out to be.[comma instead] and Mr. Spence takes up a more thoughtful look, considering my case**—-[extra dash in here]** before he’s distracted entirely.
Mr. Spence indicates towards me—slightly to the left [might be helpful to have a reminder that C.D. is beside MC, otherwise it seems like Spence gestures to MC and proceeds to call them Casey], swapping in his other hand to take over tie-duty. “This is Casey Dyer, he’s just the delivery boy [extra space],” he informs our visitor. "He’s actually quite a regular—”
Capitalization: Jelani leans back into Connor, the pair subtly clearing the firing line. “Name, Ms. knight,” he continues. “Our latest addition to the tech and maintenance department.”
All eyes turn to me. Their[There] are some sheepish looks, whilst Casey’s attention promptly swivels back to Regan.
“…self-dictated Monoline fuck-up," she says, closing in the door without a look spared. [Maybe just me but not sure what that means. Edit: Is it just supposed to be “closing the door”? I can’t remember this scene exactly right now, but I feel like Knight was still present in the room after this line, so closing the door wouldn’t make sense?]
“You weren’t in such a rush this morning.[change to comma]” he says with the absolute ghost of a smile.
All it needs is the right materials and power, not a single workmen more. [Should be singular workman? Or just “worker” for a gender neutral approach. Because adjective is “single”.]
She throws another smile my way and I return it innocently again [extra space].
My gaze going nowhere in particular as I think, it’s once more brought into focus by the lonely blond, stiing[sitting] cross-legged in his dungarees, leaning against the shelf behind.
Casey: I’m getting the feeling that maybe his run-in with the punks this morning is affecting his[him] more than I thought.
Tilly pronoun capitalization: she stops and half-turns to face me, her skirt twirling lethargically. “What?”
She suddenly looks like she hasn’t been fixed-up at all. It lasts a second at best.. [double period]
As soon as I’d gotten the hard **[d]**rive into my laptop at RF South, it was all I could really think about.
Even if it[’s] unusual for RedSec to be paying attention to it…
If the plan was being coordinating[coordinated] from that sewer hideout, then that had to have been their main force
I stand awkwardly in the white room, muscles restless with a need to hel to such a degree p [p got separated, should be ‘help’] that they stay stock-still. “What can I do?” I simply ask.
I lean lean [duplicate] into the tub and wrap an arm around her waist and beneath her legs, the bath creaking as I carefully move her body so I can get a hold.
Holding Bonnie tighter around the waist, I lift her further up, keeping her clear of[f] the ground as I lower her backwards into her seat, her arms slowly leaving me as her expression fixes in concentration.
“No," I say, before realising I’m talking to a bird. He cocks his head inquisitively.
[missing quotation]Squawk!" [or remove the ending quotation if meant to match following “please”]
Please!
[I like this part word-wise/what it’s conveying and even the cadence of the interjections, but the amount of commas does make it visually a bit difficult to process/read.]
Scuff it all you want but it’s not going anywhere, because, after she found out, it would be inevitable. I’ve told myself a million times: it’s not just a case of her knowing—it would be two, maybe three, days, and, before either of us realise it, she’s helping.
But, using a combination of tracking my whereabouts in a[remove] relation to a street-level map and some luck, I eventually arrive with time to spare.
With a sigh, the Kairnwell stands and dust[s] their knees off.
Gunshots and an unconscious body hitting the ground are enough to shatter my shroud of subtly completely, all of the Kairnwells whirlling [remove double ‘l’] towards the sound with almost mechanical sync[h]ronisation.
The royals of the underworld, suddenly unable to cope with the chaos that they signed on for—created, even—scatter in the hope of finding better, safer cover. [I would probably use “signed up for”, but maybe that’s just a regional language difference.]
I’m being honest, there was a part of me that though[t] the NCPD weren’t going to show.
I snatch the gun from out of his hand and toss it [a]way into the din of chemical industry.
Stat change for this choice seems backward:
#“The sooner you tell me something useful, the sooner I leave you be.” That’s the extent of my politeness.
*set ScoreMantle_Flippant +5
[This seems more like a Flippant -5, i.e., Earnest, dialogue choice. There’s a different choice option here that affects Flippant +5, so I also feel like this should be -5.]
I intend to focus on keeping a calm center whilst on that kind of death-courting roller coaster… [Typically have used UK spelling, so this would be “centre” for consistency.]
Good luck with the bug smashing, and happy writing :]
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My guardian angel of bugs! Amazing work, seriously–thanks for taking the time
I’ll have to get the next update out sooner to keep you in work lol.
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Haha, I will of course be eagerly (yet patiently) awaiting the next update whenever it’s ready. Happy to help!
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My gods I love this! I get to be a giant tank of a woman!
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Haha, thank you! You’ve got your priorities very much in order if you ask me!
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I just finished reading the prologue and the first chapter. The writing is solid but the pacing is way too slow, chapter 1 had high level but boring writing, it was nonstop talking to people without pushing the story forward, feels like filler content imo.
Too many random characters and locations that are not important made me confused. That’s my initial opinion on it tbh. Maybe in the future the action and thriller elements will appear.
Frankly, I don’t think this IF is your cup of tea if this is your opinion on it. The pacing is completely fine and the writing is not boring at all.
Next time I’d recommend pondering whether a story is actually bad, or you just don’t like it, before commenting something like this.
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Uh-oh . Which RO’s gonna be dealing with this force of nature?
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Tilly is my girl and she’s catching ALL that charming sarcasm and quip train.
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Nice name lol
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Ok I have to say this, the mixing of first and second person on this story messed with my brain and was almost a turn off 
but honestly, that is pretty much the only criticism I have lol
The story is interesting, I love the characters and also enjoyed going around the choices available to us
Great work!
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Thank you!
I’ve had a couple of people mention this now! I’d be interested to get a larger consensus.
Do you find the switching from the MC’s to a different perspective confusing?
- No, I didn’t find it confusing.
- I found it a little confusing at first, but I’m fine with it now.
- I found it a little confusing and it still trips me up briefly.
- I always find it confusing, and it takes me out of the story.
0
voters
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I think there are two questions going on here, actually. (And if this is just a me problem, then I guess it’s still feedback lol.)
- Swaps between first-person and second-person. (I think what OP is talking about.)
- Swaps in character perspectives. (Ex. You get some scenes from Lee’s POV rather than exclusively following H everywhere, all the time.)
To expand on those:
1. This IF is written in first person, “I” is the main pronoun. However, earlier on in the demo, I did notice there were some instances, every so often, where some sentences will “randomly” be written with “you do this” or “you think that” type phrasing, i.e., second person perspective. (I’ll try to find specific examples and make another post.) I think that’s what OP was bringing up. It did throw me off a bit while reading when I first encountered the IF, and there might be room for rewording/rewriting here. But I think it’s only a problem in prologue and maybe into Ch1 and hasn’t happened in the demo since - or it does happen and I’m just used to it now, but I think it’s the first case.
2. Now if we’re talking about swapping character perspectives, like we start following another character’s actions (ex. Lee in the police department when they go down into the lab), I think this is cool and totally fine for the story. I like knowing more about what’s going on than the MC, sometimes. However, it would be helpful to have a visual marker at the top of the page when this happens. Lots of other IFs use like bolded and italicised location names (ex. New Cronaca Police Department, 10:24am, or “Somewhere else…" type headers). I could eventually (pretty quickly) recognize we’re not following H based on context, but a clear visual divide at the top of a page would probably help, and then another when we switch back to H, wherever they are.
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For number 1, I’m pretty sure I know what you’re talking about.
It would be instances where I’ve used you for the MC to talk to an invisible third person. Like in real life when you’d think/say: “Oh, you’d think someone would’ve noticed this by now.” Or: “You have to wonder why someone hasn’t noticed this.
But I absolutely get how that could be confusing—and I think it’s even why I’ve subconsciously shied away from writing like that more recently.
I’d have to go back and check, see if they’re particularly egregious. Don’t stress yourself about finding them—I need to do another edit of the first demo at some point, anyway 
For number 2, this is absolutely just personal preference for me:
I find meanwhiles and location headers just a little bit too clunky. They’re a bit meta, and effectively pause the story—when we’ve already had a page break beforehand.
And you also might be like oh, the police station? But I wanted to stay with RF South.
Whereas, I think, with just getting straight into the writing—you might still have that same thought—but you’ve also (hopefully lol) read enough to intrigue you to carry on.
It lets the scene speak for itself, rather than have a title that lays out the basics frankly and up front. Another example would be putting Unknown as the location head, which would instantly clue you into the scene being something abnormal—rather than getting a couple of paragraphs in and having that strangeness settle in naturally.
But, like I said: personal preference. I think it’s fun to discuss this stuff
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For 1. Yes, that’s exactly it! Grammatically called the generic you (i.e., in place of “one”, the singular impersonal pronoun), I believe. I found some examples.
Example 1: Though, somehow, he always manages to tailor the look to himself. Nowadays he’s a bit more stable. Still, you won’t ever catch him wearing the same colour two days in a row. Three days in a row? I hesitate to think what he’d do to you.
Unless it’s the jacket I bought him. There’s always an exception to the rule.
Example 2: Beneath her uniform’s apron, she wears a thick, short-sleeved grey-striped t-shirt. But it’s the faded denim dungarees I’m immediately drawn to. The article of clothing’s not one you see often in the city. Well, I’ve never seen Bodie in a pair—and that’s my measure for obscure fashion.
Now these are perfectly normal sentences, and even I understand it’s the “anybody” kind of you, the generic you. But in the medium of IF, where stories are often told in second person, it trips up my brain more than it otherwise would. Exactly as you pointed out, how you have shied away from them more lately, perhaps these generic you’s need to be kept to a minimum, or used with extreme care in sentence structure/order to avoid a bit of pronoun whiplash. One solution could be going back to “one”, though might sound a bit too old-timey in some cases…
Example: Still, one wouldn’t ever catch him wearing the same colour two days in a row. Three days in a row? I hesitate to think what he’d do to you.
I actually think keeping the “you” in the second sentence is okay because it starts with the “I” we are already familiar with, and the “you” is more obviously the generic other people. The main issue lies with sentences that only have the generic you, and it’s not as bad when the sentence has a generic you but also has another first person pronoun in it (e.g., me or I).
Example that works well, the generic you is fine because a first person pronoun is also present: And so on, and so on; if you asked me to count now, I’d ask you to invent more numbers.
For 2. That’s totally fair, and your preference as an author for how you structure and tell your story is the most important piece. I did say I caught on pretty quickly when POVs swapped, totally within an acceptable amount of time, so it’s probably just something to keep in mind going forward. If it remains a problem for many readers, then maybe POV switches could utilize the pronouns (since you use first person for H and third person for anybody else) as sentence markers early on the page, i.e., try to avoid too much exposition/setting description until there’s been a sentence that establishes what perspective we’re reading from. (Though I can also appreciate wanting the maintain the mystery for a little while, like avoiding the “Unknown location" giveaway that makes readers catch on that something’s up immediately.) Just some thoughts 
General Typos
While combing through for those examples, I found a few more typos And because I happened to have different character genders, there are some new pronoun capitalization errors.
Typos after selecting the “I’ll just have some water.” choice when out for drinks with B at the very beginning.
[Missing quotation]That’s just frozen water."
…
"Were you teasing about the lemon, or do you actually want that?[missing quotation]
Too much gel,[missing space]I think idly, trying to put my finger on it.
Bodie pronoun capitalization: Emphasis on the life part. We’d barely started high school before he was in his first relationship. his second relationship followed two weeks later. his third relationship, a month after that.
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