[wip] GODLIKE (10/1/17)

nonbinary-inclusive
gender-choice

#1

Hello, everyone! My name is Bd, or Beedee, and I’ve began working on a story that I have been working on for almost a year now with the help and encouragement of my brother.

PLOT Modern civilization has been plagued with a genetic disease that gives individuals inhuman strengths and abilities that allow them to be godlike, but only for a short amount of time. These individuals, given the name Biohumans, will eventually go rabid within years of carrying this disease within their genes until they eventually go mad and carry out horrific atrocities unless they are taken out, dead or alive.

You play as a Biohuman on the run, alongside your older sister, from the authorities who seek to find and arrest the two of you after your father murdered your mother during one of his last episodes. You meet other people, both biohuman and not, as they help you search for a mysterious woman who may or may not reverse the years of your childhood misfortune.

You can find the demo here: https://dashingdon.com/go/1831

This is the first game I have ever published a demo for, let alone uploaded to dashingdon, so my writing/coding is FAR from perfect. Any sort of feedback you guys can provide is highly appreciated and welcome!

Please tell me what you guys think below!

Bd’s Wishlist

  • Chapter I(prologue?) complete
  • Beginning of Chapter I(or II)
  • A complete and functioning stats screen
  • Chapter borders
  • Cover art for DashingDon
  • Implement reader feedback!

#2

good job i hope finsh it


#4

In response to your first one: lol

Your second: So far this chapter is in the perspective of your older sister and from what I recall from that scene, she’s still a child and very much upset about the idea of moving somewhere else. She’ll probably stay upset no matter your response.

To your third: Sorry, but I’m not sure where in the story you found that. Maybe if you help me find it, I can fix whatever issue it is!


#5
Summary

image
school

I’m a little confused of which and whose POV am I looking at.

The third I captured were somewhere b/t the father and the mother arguing I believed.


#6

Everything that you’re reading so far is from the perspective of your sister.

And thank you! I’l do some digging and see if there was any issues there.


#7

What I found

Summary

Arguing


Is this Daisy or mom speaking?


“but you eventually did left me alone with my own thoughts.”


ceiling


arguing


energy


frustrated


piercings


tongue


sleeve


hyperventilating


“each other”, the space.


chinese


bags


arguing


“on top”, the space.


strangely

This is interesting so far, will look forward to getting know the sister and the dog better :slightly_smiling_face: also, is this always going to from the sister PoV?


#8

Writing a story like this from a specific narrator’s perspective is a really interesting idea – it’s working great so far, imo. Explaining the ‘lore’ of this world through an explanation to a younger sibling works well, too. What can be confusing is whose decision I’m making when I come to a choice though – it almost sounds like I’m making decisions for the sister, sometimes. Maybe a little bit more text after the decision to make it clear whose action I just affected?
Some minor details:

  • I usually prefer choosing my name from a list rather than typing it out. It’s easier on mobile, and I know I’m choosing a name that fits your story (I’ve accidentally named myself something very similar to a major character before, and it’s a bit awkward. Though meeting people with the same name does happen irl, so realistic, I guess?)

  • I’m absolutely a girl and spent way more time playing with dinosaurs than barbies growing up. I really don’t like the implication that not playing with dolls means I’m not really a girl (or that switching around means I’m nonbinary) – don’t want to start an angry comment drama at all, but it might be a good idea to put this choice outside of the context of what toys the mc likes. :wink:

  • The scene with meeting Lia was confusing, and I don’t think worked from the sister’s PoV. You could put in in a summary, with fewer details, instead of moment by moment. Does that make sense? More telling than showing, since the sister’s describing something she didn’t actually see, but the mc presumably told her about afterwards?

  • I’m really confused about what happened with the dad. He’d left for years, and then suddenly we’re in this alternate history where he didn’t. Which one is real? Do my choices for what didn’t happen matter at all? This might be carried over from the Lia-scene confusion. If we’re moving into an alternate timeline, maybe the transition needs to be a bit clearer. EDIT: I guess it helped having the sister bring this up, but it’s still hard to tell what really happened. If the dad did leave, why are we on the run now, and what happened to the mother? Maybe just a summary stating something like neither of us understood what had really happened, but we knew…

  • Little typo/correction:

Summary

In it was a picture of a middle-aged man you have never seen before. He seemed a bit older than your dad, but not by much though he already began to form salt and pepper hair from the looks of it. He had a clean-shaven face and short black hair, though it looked slicked-back in the picture.

Shouldn’t that be our?

  • Did you accidentaly change the professor’s name? I can’t go back and check, but I thought it was Nathan Kingsley, and then it’s Jack/Jonathan later. Maybe I just have a terrible memory…

  • …and more in the stats screen would be nice, but it looks like you’re working on that. I’d especially like to see the mc’s age, since we start so young, and it’s hard to keep track of how many years have passed.


#9

Thank you! And no, I’ve been debating when the sister’s pov should end and when the MC’s pov will begin. Mostly likely soon considering I’ve only wanted her to narrate the beginning for me and I got a bit carried away lol


#10

Interesting. I like the sister’s pov.


#11

The demo definitely piqued my interest, reading this from the sisters perspective is super interesting and I’m excited to interact with her more in the future, I’m a sucker for siblings in games like these. I’m definitely keeping an eye on this, can’t wait to see your next update!


#12

Thank you so so much!

On the first issue: Noted! At first I really didn’t want to write that in because personally I never really enjoyed the name most games suggested me. Every single game I have tried out I have almost always used an original name that I’ve thought of on my own, but I’m guessing authors do that for a reason. I’ll see what I can do!

On as for the second issue: Believe you me, I was the exact same way growing up lol I tried finding a unique way of trying to figure out how to let the reader decide how their character identifies without going “r u a boy or a grill?” kind of question. I’ll see what I can change, though forgive me if I can’t think of a better one. Thank you so much though!


#13

Thank you so much! I’m basing their relationship a tiny bit with my own personal relationship with my siblings growing up.


#14

Edited my first post with more comments :slightly_smiling_face:


#15

Oh yeah, is the name change for Nathan is a typo at the end? Or is that what Nathan goes by nowadays?


#16

On the Lia scene and the scenes that follow: they’re intentionally supposed to confusing, but I can 100% agree that the scene where you first meet her might not be suited best for Daisy’s POV. One of the reason I kind of forced myself to continue with her POV was because I really wanted the following scenes to continue being from her view before I handed the POV torch to the MC lol. I’ll look into how I can better present that scene to the reader.

On Nathan: That’s intentional. He’s altered his name somewhat as an alias for reasons you may find out in the next update.


#17

Wait… so, if he’s dad’s friend… is he… a biohuman too?


#18

But if he did alter his name, how would we know? Wouldn’t we be asking if he knew Nathan, instead of if he was Jack?

Could the scene with Lia be presented as you would tell me about this later, though I wasn’t there at the time?


#19

I’m sorry, but I don’t quite get the question. Did you mean how did the two of you know it was him when his mailbox clearly had a different name on it. If so, the two of you still had a picture of Nathan that Daisy gathered from your father’s belongings so you two were easily able to know it was him standing in front of you.

And as for the Lia scene, that would most likely work better lol thank you for sharing that with me.


#20

Yeah, but the picture and seeing him in person could possibly be his twin. We never know, beside you of course. xD


#21

Yea, reading from the sisters pov is kind of confusing