Vermilion. A WIP in the very, very, early stages


#21

Interesting. The demo was good. I’d like to see how this story unfolds.


#22

Very nice! I must make a note to look out for such a promisin’ game!


#23

The stat system seems like it’ll be interesting, and an interesting conflict’s been set up. Setting could use a bit of fleshing out, but otherwise good.


#24

I am not kidding. I actually had a dream that had a bit of this game’s setting. I recall that we almost blew up. THANKS A LOT FOR INVADING MY DREAMS!!


#25

Thanks for all the positive responses, guys!

@13ventrm, do you mean setting as in the time period, background information, that kind of thing, or am I lacking in describing the physical setting (I have to admit, literal imagery is really not my strong point)?

@Shintaro, I actually giggled irl when I read that. Mission accomplished!


#26

I really don’t need a zombie exodus dream…*shudder*


#27

All of the above, I can only discern that it could possibly take place some vague time in the distant past, or maybe I’m just being eased into a bit of fantasy, and that the house has a fireplace and a library.


#28

I had a dream where I was asshole Superman. He wasn’t evil, but he was an asshole, and he stole tons of stuff and felt up women with his super speed.


#29

@Shoelip: Ooooookaaaaayyyyy… Does it reflect on your character?


#30

Uhhh…awkward moment…


#31

Whenever I’m asshole superman I always convince drunks that it’s safe to jump from buildings.


#32

Well, I never killed anyone. At least I don’t think so. That’s why I said I was asshole Superman and not like, Ultraman. The memory is a bit vague now. I just remember realizing I was superman so I flew around in outer space a bit, then I flew down to earth and there it was night and I broke into a giant bank vault that was for some reason inside of a clothing store or something by digging underground. At least I think it was a clothing store because there were women in their underwear inside… except that they weren’t in changing rooms so that was probably just me wanting to see scantily clad women and my mind accommodating. Also, there was this one weird part where i was in like, a Minecraft version of reality except it felt a bit like I was in Rio de Janeiro made of blocks, and I stole someone’s cell phone. Also, for some reason near the end of the dream I started flying really slowly. Probably because I was starting to wake up. I must have had some sort of mind control powers too because the women didn’t seem all that pissed off about it.

If it reflects on me I don’t know. I know I think it’d be awesome to be Superman… Well not really, but it’d be awesome to have his powers. Also, I guess it reflects on the fact that I like women’s bodies? I don’t think I’d use my super powers to sexually harass women in real life though. If I had superpowers.


#33

@seryou
Why did you use past tense in the text?


#34

@13ventrm, thanks for the input. I’ll try to add a page or two of background information before throwing the reader into the fireplace scene if I can manage to do this without being boring @_@.

@Bastiaan, it’s my fault for not making this clear, but this whole part takes place in your childhood. I was thinking of keeping the childhood part in past tense and the more present parts in, well, present tense. Do you think that’ll be too distracting?


#35

I like it a lot. Keep at it and don’t change the beginning, it’s good in my opinion.


#36

Game itself looks very interesting. I’m not the biggest fan of steampunk, but why not try something new :slight_smile: .

Here is a little fault i found in the text:
“… At a glance, Vera was was calm and composed, but there was a scalding bite to her words that could only be detected by those who spent large amounts of time with her.”

You used was twice :stuck_out_tongue: . Not much but always something.


#37

@CJW, thanks for your opinion as well. After I finish the intro in its entirety I’ll go back and decide what to do with that pesky opening scene.

@Polonium, at the rate things are going, I don’t think I’ll be able to incorporate steampunk into the story at all, actually. :stuck_out_tongue: Thanks for the catch!


#38

@seryou
Steampunk or not. Story itself looks interesting, so i sure will fallow the development until the end.


#39

cant wait


#40

@Polonium and @vampierkid222, thanks!

Hooray, managed another update to the intro! It’s 2/3 done now. I ended up changing everything to present tense and made a few stylistic changes to the first part. The next update will include meeting the mysterious owner of the tent, the resulting fallout with your family, making some friends at university, and finally starting up your investigation agency. Then the first case will start! :smiley:

I’m a little worried about the powers. Are they exciting? Are there more choices for the Bert part that I should put in? Do I manage to describe what’s going on realistically (more importantly, does everything make sense)? I have this problem with descriptions where everything makes sense in my head but I only write about half of what’s going on, so I’m never sure if I’m using enough description. Dx